Ex - H just attacked me

[Hidinginthewoods]

I can't get hold of my BestFriend & had to call my DD's boyfriend to find my DD or BF
am on my own , 2 DS's upstairs aslepp.
Rang police- he's been arrested for drink driving
rang ambulance
cant stop shaking

I have been following your thread Hiding and I just want to say I think you are fabulous, you've had an horrific time and your strength and courage is an inspiration!

Hiding a lie in is good if the DC's let you!

Good to hear you are standing firm about the IL's calls.

Has your lovely Cuz gone home now?

Hi Hiding, your solicitor sounds excellent and really on the ball. What a relief to have someone competent and skilled fighting your corner!

I'm so glad that your cousin has been with you to take the pressure off and field the calls from your ILs. I know what you mean though - it's also nice to get back to normal with the DCs and re-establish a routine.

I agree totally with PerfectStorm about the reasons why your ex isn't interested in contact with your DD. He has nothing to gain 'politically' and would expect her to hold him to account for his actions. for your DD but for the best - she really doesn't need someone like him in her life!

I feel sorry for your ILs in terms of the pain they must be feeling, but your MIL's behaviour is totally insensitive and grossly inappropriate. She cannot be allowed to keep on ringing you or your family members like this. It's good that you're intending to ignore her, but she sounds very thick-skinned and determined to try and influence things. Can you get the police to contact her and tell her to cease contact? That would probably give her a scare and shock her into leaving you alone. Are you keeping a log of how often she calls? She is harrassing you at a time when you need to recover from a serious assault and all the emotional trauma that has brought too - completely unacceptable and she's demonstrating that she doesn't care about your welfare (or that of your DD); only that of her son. If not the police, then I would get a solicitor's letter sent to her asap. If your ex is as disturbed and desperate as MIL is implying, who in their right minds would think it appropriate that he have (un or inadequately supervised) contact with the children of the ex partner he recently threatened to kill?!

I feel strongly that when partners split up, they should put the needs of their children before their animosity towards each other, and keep things as amicable (and away from solicitors, courts etc) as possible between partners and extended family. But your ex came into your and his DC's home, attacked and assaulted you and threatened to kill you!

He does not deserve any compassion and understanding from you - he has forfeited that. He doesn't deserve that you ever waste another thought on him, ever!

He doesn't deserve to see his children at the moment - he has violated their mother and their home.

I can just about stretch my compassion to his parents sympathising with him - he is their son after all - but their behaviour since this happened has been reprehensible. If they cared about you and the DC's welfare then they would not be enabling and defending him the way they have.

Phew! It makes me so on your behalf!

Anyway, thinking of you and how brave and strong you have been throughout this. Don't let the bastards grind you down!
Hope it goes ok at the fracture clinic.

bovrilontoast thankyou so much, I hope my story is helping others considering reporting DV.

bossy my cuz went home this morning what a star. He's going to contact IL's before his flight & we wrote a 'statement' on my behalf to finalise the contact issues.
mysterything thanks, I'm quite about it all today.

Hope all goes okay, thinking of you x

Thankyou Phoenix

I can't believe it's been a week since it happened. I can't remember most of this weeks events, luckily I've been writing on here & my diary or I'd think it was all a terrible nightmare. (except my nose is wonky- I think that'd make me )

I got my solicitors letter thru today re our meeting this week.
Sol has also added that I could pursue the 'threats to kill' ,
bail offence by IL's requesting DS's go to address where Ex is bailed to,
that I must sever all financial ties with Ex.

I need some help with severing financial ties, it all seems clear-cut to me but I doubt the bank will be as obliging -
when Ex left me I cleared our joint O/D & the acc was in credit, when I opened my own acc I cut up my old card and have not used the Acc since.
However Ex continued to use his card & went O/D again, at one point I believe he extended the O/D (all letters were coming to my address still)
He refused to go to bank with me to close Acc & so it is still in joint names.
I have at times put money into the acc when charge letters came but haven't done that since I moved & I didnt re-direct his/our post,
he has since changed address to his own.

So, I really don't want to have to pay off O/D again
What should I be doing about this?

Hiding - there's another thread running at the mo about what to do if one party in a joint account refuses to shut it down.

Unfortunately I suspect the bank will be more obliging about freezing the account if it's in credit, but better to find out sooner rather than later what the damage is. I would make very clear to the bank that there is a police investigation ongoing and your solicitor has advised you to sever all financial ties, what can be done about the joint account to effectively end its use? I suspect they will pursue you jointly for the debt if it exists, which I'm sure it does :(

Yes basically get hold of the bank & make an appt asap to go in. Your bruises will be still apparent & I'm sure your solicitor will give you verification that you are genuinely in a difficult situation. Ask their advice & see what the options are. This can't be the first time they have had to deal with this.

I'm sure I remember being told that even if it's in joint names & he refuses to close it a freeze can be put on any debits & a mark put on it that your are not using it. They will advise.

You could persue the threats to kill, it will add weight to your argument that the kids only see him at a cc if at all. But I can fully understand if you would rather not re-visit those moments.

Well done you are doing amazingly well, god the week from hell for you, but you have shown yourself and your worthless Ex that you are not a woman to be messed with

Hope your w/e is peaceful do you have somethinig nice planned with the DC?

Thanks tribpot - useful advice on there, so I'll go to bank on Tuesday & freeze it. I'm going to go thru statements and produce a doc to show where we would be at if he'd left acc alone & present that to my IL's/Ex after all other issues have been dealt with. Then they can bloody well pay it off for him!

I also got a letter from safe-guarding team (SS) today it says:

"We are satisfied you have taken appropriate protective action at this time to ensure you and your children are safe and would encourage you to continue to do so."

It outlines how DV affects children and other useful info & then concludes:

"We advise that you seek legal advice to formalise child contact arrangements for the future... any civil injunctions such as a restraining order or a non molestation order ... SS expect you to ensure your children's safety and well being by ensuring that they are not exposed to (DV) this"

So a big relief that I now have Solicitors , Police, Social services, friends family AND all you lovely MN'ers supporting me & my DC's .

Such a huge relief, I feel like a weight has lifted

Out with my lovely DD tomorrow on a long planned day trip somewhere very special , he would've sabotaged it if he was able to & I'm safe in the knowledge my DS's are being safely cared for by people I trust.

Oh Hiding, I'm sorry he is still financially abusing you. Perhaps your sol can advise as to how to sever ties without jointly closing the account.

Call the bank asap and find out what your options are. (i.e. what trib said)

comradejing It's a bloody bank holiday.
The PC went thru his belongings last week that Ex had left at mine ( he had brought clothes for work the next day/lap top etc ) & when he opened his wallet I said " oh can I just make that (bank) card disappear?" PC said I should've done it earlier but couldn't now as he was there it wasn't top of my priority list at the time...

Haven't heard from IL's / ex today so hoping that means they've taken legal advice & know to stick to bail conditions now.

Vicitm support rang me today as well... they talked to me for a long time & suggested he is most probably 'delusional'; that this is a very dangerous period & I mustn't get overly confident with the situation- this is often when things can escalate out of control.
I have to go on-line & complete an 'escape plan'

Very good advice around issues I hadn't given much thought:-
being tailed/followed - to drive to a petrol station or place with CCTV to ring 999 &
to teach DS'S not to open door/ what to do in emergencies.

High risk marker is following me & DC's around wherever we are, just have a number to ring & notify them if we are at another address/place for any length of time.

I can only hope & pray he stays away for ever & ever & ever or preferably ceases to exist as this is not a good way to live.

However fore-warned is fore-armed & now EVERYONE knows what he's capable of I think he'd find it hard to get within a mile of us without someone crowning him one

Off to bed as mega early start in the morning, enjoy your Bank holiday everyone

Oh so glad you & your lovely DD can have some Mother/Daughter time. Hope you have a fab day together.

Brilliant about the SS letter too.

Hiding, I posted a link on the other thread. All you need to do to get it frozen immediately is to withdraw the mandate you gave the bank when it was opened. As of that moment, it is unusable. I was a sleep deprived idiot and linked to a N Ireland advice site there, but it seems the situation is the same here anyway, according to this advice sheet. If you withdraw your mandate for them to treat you as jointly financially involved, the account is frozen at once and neither can use it.

I would also, if you've not already, make your solicitor aware of his financial abuse. It will help her even more when creating a picture of what you've had to deal with. (And if you've not yet had a formal financial settlement from the divorce, then the debts he's been dumping on you may come back to bite him on the backside, if he is working and earning, given you are primary - and right now, sole - carer for the kids. Can only hope so.)

I'm afraid though that you are jointly and individually responsible for his debts on a joint account. Having said that, if you aren't earning at the moment then he is the obvious target for the bank, really. Speak to your solicitor and ask what she advises in terms of setting out the position to the bank, so they are aware that this is part of a pattern of abuse... and that you are skint, and he is not! (And we all know that your ILs will cough up for their little prince, if push comes to shove, so you'd be unlikely to get a CCJ or anything against your name, as they won't want it against his.)

Really pleased you're getting that level of rock solid support from all agencies. You so often hear of stuff going wrong - it's good to see where it can go right.

This is the wording (quite a way below the part where you both have to go in and sign to get the account closed, helpfully for those people who stop reading then!):

If I choose the option for "either to sign" on the joint account and then change my mind, what can I do?

Any joint account holder can cancel the joint account mandate. This will mean that the bank will need the signatures of all the account holders before it can pay any further items from the account.

perfectstorm that's great, thankyou so much, I prefer to know what bank are likely to do/want done before I go in there.

A slight sore point for me is I did Inherit a small amount from DM from a funeral scheme & due to long term financial abuse I am saving more every month as I've always been under the impression we didn't have any money, my income hasn't gone up/ down since he left & my spending has remained the same (frugal) I'd be gutted if he was entitled to half this amount (which incidentally I used some of to buy DD's car/ins/driving lessons/tests & rest put away for all DC's future)

Can I just prove the majority has been MY money I've saved & agree to put rest in children's names ? Or is the asshole going to bleed me dry?

bossy I'm making myself go, all the enjoyment of the planning/girly preparations has gone, but I'll be fine when we're 'there' we both need it.

Or you could "spend" it. that is, take it out in cash over a period of a couple of weeks for ..... oh I dunno....new uniforms for the kids, new shoes, days out. and then accidentally forget to spend it and keep it in cash. If you work (sorry, cant remember if yuo said you do) could you ask your boss to keep it for you?

Not ideal but better than that bastard getting his hands on it.

Oh and then, open a new savings account. Anything you save AFTER the seperation will be yours and not considered part of any settlement. You will have proof from the bank the date the account was opened, so he cant claim it.

bogeyface both my current & savings acc are in my name only & opened after separation/him being removed from tenancy agreement (on our family home),
I work p/t & I'm sure my lovely boss would keep it if need be.
Some is put by for up-coming expenses I will have we're going on a family holiday soon, and saving spending money/petrol/food money,
also during our attempt at a 'reconciliation' last year I took Ex on hol with us & paid for everything all week (he actually didn't even take his bank card or any cash with him) so he has benefited from my inheritance but Mum died after we'd separated and I just dont know if any of this makes a difference.

I really, really am going to bed now as I need a clear head for a busy day tomorrow.

I'll catch up on here Sunday.

I think that as your savings happened after the seperation occured, then your solicitor would say that he has no claim on them, but only your solicitor can say for sure on that.

He certainly views you as a cash cow doesnt he? I am that he didnt even take his bank card on holiday, although I suppose I shouldnt be given what you have posted.

Be prepared to move it in dribs and drabs if needs be, but check with your solicitor first.

Good luck and have a great day tomorrow :)

Hiding, how are you doing?

Hope you had a good weekend, Hiding.

Talk to your sol about the finances. And don't worry overmuch, because you are the primary carer of the children and as such your financial requirements are far greater. Courts recognise this and decisions are made accordingly. Though I'm not sure the assets are regarded as separate just because they're post separation, in all honesty. Again, talk to your solicitor.

Has your ex got a pension from his work? I note no equity in any property, but you're entitled to half the pension after a long marriage, especially with dependent kids. And he will owe ongoing support to you as well as kids, especially given one has SN. Their financial wellbeing and security is a primary interest. Your solicitor can give you a really good idea of where you stand.

Hi Hiding hope the soggy BH hasn't dampened your spirits over much?

How was your day with your DD, bett you both enjoyed it, and certainly needed it I'm sure as a sort of de-brief if nothing else.

Hello & thanks for thinking of me
Cousin went home Friday but more family came to stay locally to 'take over' support.

DD & I had an amazing day on Saturday !!!
I very reluctantly went, and was so pleased I made the effort. Had to make a lot of last minute childcare arrangements but it all went well, we had such a nice girly day.
I haven't heard anymore from Ex or IL's, court on the 5th & I expect them to resume their demands after that depending on the outcome.

Spent the last few days chilling and bringing relatives up-to speed, whilst attempting to 'enjoy' the last week of the school hols. Feel so sad that for the 3rd year running my DC's have had a miserable 6 weeks, I'd really hoped that this year we would get out and about but due to my op the 1st week and then all this it's been a bit difficult

I took my 1st ever sleeping tablet Sunday night and it worked a treat, woke up feeling refreshed and no nightmares !!! (in the nightmares I can't get him to stop/leave) Not going to make a habit of taking them tho.

I can't thank you all enough for your support and advice, this has been a very difficult time & although I'm managing better day to day - the emotional side of things seem to be getting worse.

I almost need to rationalise his attack - but, without knowing why etc from Ex (which could be any old pack of lies anyhow), I get the feeling that it may take a while for me to get my head around what he's done.

You're doing amazingly, Hiding. Still so impressed by your guts and sanity in dealing with it all. I'm so glad you and DD had a fab time - no two women could deserve it more! And that your family are being so staunch in support as well.

Please keep posting, it's so good to know you are okay.

The odd sleeping tablet to help you crash out & catch up is OK, it's when you take them for years as a habit that you get probs.

So glad you had a lovely girly day with DD, just what was needed for both of you!

Bound to be all sorts of emotional repercussions to the situation, have you considered any counselling maybe through WA?

Keep posting, glad it helps.