Ex - H just attacked me

[Hidinginthewoods]

I can't get hold of my BestFriend & had to call my DD's boyfriend to find my DD or BF
am on my own , 2 DS's upstairs aslepp.
Rang police- he's been arrested for drink driving
rang ambulance
cant stop shaking

Hope it goes well at the solicitors. Take all that pain and fear that he caused you and channel it into resolve that he will never be able to affect you or your children like that again. You've been immensely strong and brave through this horrible ordeal. Keep your (bruised!) chin up!!

I prescribe more ((hugs)) and a for you, honey.

I know where you're coming from. There's a hospital that I go out of my way to avoid going anywhere near, not because of anything they've done to me but because of what they've done to others.

There you are doing your level best to stay calm and rational. stiff upper lip and all that jazz, and you suddenly get sandbagged by a sack of memories of events you'd rather not have lived through and you're in floods of tears again.

Those times are the ones when you need to be especially gentle and caring with yourself. Don't force the healing process; it's there to be gone through and time will grow a layer of skin over any raw wounds.

A comforting supper for you tonight and a soothing candlelit bath before bedtime, or snuggle in that metaphorical warm and fluffy blanket while you watch something mildly engrossing on the tv or read a book/listen to music.

It is what it is, Hiding. You're walking a rocky uphill path and the only thing you can be sure of is that the view from the top of the mountain will be worth it.

Here endeth the lesson

Hope the solicitors went okay, Hiding. Thinking of you as well.

Hope you're ok Hiding.

Morning Hiding.

Hope yesterday went Ok & you can have a quiet-ish day today.

Hope you are ok hiding.

Hello lovely ladies x
Thanks for all your lovely comments, hugs and kind thoughts

Well my RL support turned up yesterday in droves and it was all very hectic, up-dating everyone, dr's, solicitors, x-rays etc I didnt get a minute to myself, lovely and I slept better last night!

Solicitor was fab- recommended by a close friend, she has started my divorce proceedings (now I have evidential grounds to)

confirmed access to be denied until either court date or psych analysis on Ex

he will need to obtain court order to see DS's & she says it's highly unlikely he will get that till above done anyway.

she will arrange non molestation order after court.

Also we discussed how contact could be arranged in the future (she says it's not something I need to worry about for at least 6months) she recommends hair strand test which will show pattern of Alcohol consumption over 12 month period
full psychiatric assessment and steps taken to address any issues (alcohol, depression, anger) and supervised contact via a CC (NOT in-laws)

Explained to me that contact is for THE CHILD not the parent and Ex would need to prove contact is an enjoyable experience for them, which isn't likely if he's as bad as MIL says at the moment.

I felt it went really well, she is a DV specialist & I definitely qualify for legal aid.

On the flip side the In-laws have clearly lost the plot and have rung my Cousin several times over last 2 days re contact.
They seem fixated on this being a fix-all problem, poor cousin is trying to get upto speed on everything regarding history over last 3 years and acting as my advocate, protecting me, playing with DS's ALL DAY! (it's lego city in my front room)
I think he's finding it hard to stay civil to MIL (always her that rings him) but he's followed my request of not telling me everything reg Ex, only what we need to know - Ex has had at least 3 Dr's attend him (why???)

I've sent everyone out for a bit, going to bath DS's and read a story and tuck them in bed in peace tonight, before Cuz, DD & her BF return for body guard duties over night.

Let me know how you think we could deal with the IL's as nothings working & I've spent more time wasted today in discussions about them and Ex, so tired of it all

could you not let the phone go to answer machine and then you can screen the calls and no-one has to speak to them.

or

if it is the landline they are phoning could you un-plug it

Delurking to say how amazingly you've been handing all this. What wonderful DCs you've got too and what a lovely mum you are

For a start, isn't a bit inconvenient having wings and a halo when you're trying to rebuild the world out of Lego? Your Cuz sounds amazing. When family works, it really works and I'm glad you've got him.

The only thing I can think of with your ILs is for Cuz to minimise phone contact by refusing to listen to the same stuff more than once, and think about enforcing a one call every other day rule (or less frequently). Why on earth do they think you're interested in stbExH. Now you've been assured that contact is only there for the children, and that you don't have to let it happen until all the assessment hoops have been jumped through, there really is no reason for them to call other than out of true human kindness to see how you all are and I imagine that's not high on their agenda.

Look after yourself and keep your chin up. You're doing great

Let everyone do their thing all the time it is comfortable for. For what it's worth, your solicitor sounds on the ball. I work in family law. Your doing fine...

Should be...for you of course... Stupid red wine.

Great update OP.
Get solicitors letter to the mil/fil/ex?

Great news OP. I'm so glad your sol is on top of things and looking out for you.

I agree with letting voice mail take their calls or cuz being an even bigger hero and telling them to stop contacting you or dd full stop.

I'd also speak to lawyer about what can be done from a legal pov about them bothering you.

If your IL's are being a pain, could you get your solicitor to write a letter?

These calls are bordering on harrassment & TBH I don't quite know what they are hoping to achieve.

A firm letter spelling out that no contact is possible & that if it continues you will be seeking a court order (or whatever the legal term is) might be in order. See what your Rotweiller advises

You shouldn't have the hassle of their phone calls.

darnley there's nowt stupid about (in moderation of course)

The calls are coming through my cousin, I'm not speaking to Ex or Il's directly, as agreed. However they seem to be over-abusing this agreement, ringing several times a day.

homebird8 yes, I think we'll try your idea next, get cousin to interrupt & firmly say- "we have already discussed that issue to death I am not prepared to discuss it again."

He's (cousin) quite naive about the levels of EA & manipulative behaviours I've experienced over the last few years, my fault as I never told him, it's not the sort of thing you bring up at family get to-gethers, & had a good relationship with my Ex when he visited, he's had to totally trust what I'm saying & jump straight in -he's been fab.
He said today he felt MIL is getting really desperate about contact with DS's (does no-one care about my DD?) & wondered if she thinks Ex will be declared unfit/insane/a twat and this maybe last chance to see DS's.... he may be right, they're not disclosing too much of what's going on their end anymore .

They are breaking bail conditions by asking us/me to act outside of the conditions.
They really do not understand that they are on the accused side and me/we on the victim side. and have made their choices very clear.

DS's in bed calm, clean and stories read Aaahhh- enjoying a bit of quiet at last.

I could be wrong, and Izzy will say if so, but I do wonder if his legal advice hasn't said that if you are, as he will be claiming, exaggerating, then if you let him have contact with the kids they can say to a judge, well look, he can't have been that scary, she was okay with letting him see them... and it would not only strengthen his hand in future over contact, but potentially also over the criminal charges. And the window for that is, as you noted quite short.

But that may be me overthinking it!

SO pleased your IRL support is coming up trumps like this, that's brilliant. Your solicitor also sounds topnotch, which is so important, and I'm so pleased to hear it. Hair strand test sounds really, really good news as well, as he can't fake that so you'll have the security of that behind you too.

All sounding so much more positive. You're so brave, and it's so good to hear you have this support in place, and even more, are reaching for it and taking all these steps to secure yourself and your beautiful children a safe and happy future.

Hope you have a good evening and sleep well tonight. xx

I agree that it seems utterly bizarre that all the attention is being placed on your dses, Hiding. I imagine this is because your dd has made it quite clear what she thinks and where her loyalties lie.

The in-laws have to stop calling you. Cousin needs to lay it on the line or you need to report them for proxy contact. Even if your ex was in the process of being sectioned, this isn't the same as being thrown in a dungeon and the key chucked away. It is not imperative he sees his children (any of them) before this happens, unless his mental health team (if he has one) thinks this can be done in a way that's safe.

Just block all this noise out. It's drama for drama's sake. They want you to feel that if you could simply forgive him this whole problem would go away. I think the police have already told you it's out of your hands, haven't they? You can choose whether or not to testify but they intend to seek a prosecution?

Glad you are going on ok. I agree over the IL contact, they need to be told to stop contacting you. There is no way this man can see his kids unless supervised and once he has been fully assessed etc.

You are doing very well and I hope you get some sleep again

Personally I wonder if it isn't partly because she's too old to have contact arranged via parents, and too old for any contact she is willing to agree to to be seen as reflecting OP's thoughts/feelings/anxieties in any legally useful way. That makes contact with her a lot less helpful than contact with them, if there's any legal motivation behind the contact pressure. (If I am right about that motive; I accept it may just be bunker mentality levels of suspicion on my part!) But mostly, I think he knows DD will call him on his shit, even if she even agreed to see him at all. Can't see him signing up for that one voluntarily, not when he seems to be willing to go to almost any lengths to retain his own self-image, as well as control how others view him. Given the GP are colluding in a fantasy built for three, they won't want her fracturing that cosy little dreamworld, either. The boys are young enough to use as props in this nauseatiingly sentimental little Mills and Boon melodrama, in which he's just this dedicated family man, who broke under the fear of losing the woman he loves not wisely but too well, blah blah blah and the rest of the bullshit. DD, and she's a threat to their being able to wallow in it unchecked.

Painful as it must be for her (even after all this, and knowing she doesn't want to see him - I have no contact with my own father these days of my own volition, but his actions in the past still burn) in this set up it's also quite some testament to her strength of character, and her integrity. They know she can't be bullied, charmed or guilt-tripped into supporting their stance, or even remaining neutral. If they thought otherwise for one second they'd be over her like a rash.

"Just block all this noise out. It's drama for drama's sake."

This, this and this again. Have that lovely bubble bath (wine does well in those, I always think ) and relax a bit, surrounded by all these people who love you.

I'm so glad the solicitor was all you hoped, she sounds like just the sort for this situation.
You sound like a great role model for your kids, especially your DD. Your strength and dignity in the face of this is so inspiring.

perfectstorm that was our 1st thought too - that it would contradict what I want to happen long term, that they could say I allowed it in interim and that would go in his favour.

tribpot thanks for reminding me this is out of my hands now, MIL would like a quick fix so she can go back to her nice tidy life.

perfectstorm again I think you're right about DD & their lack of 'control' over how she perceives them. She's my DD thru and thru & quite frankly Ex gave up on her when he walked out on us all

Thankyou knitfast I have my moments, and hearing all you lovely MN'ers say nice things after I've had pure vile shouted in my face is helping me to block that out.

Had a lurvly bath, another busy day tomorrow and no real break in sight, so off to sit and ponder in bed and hopefully fall asleep.
Fracture clinic tomorrow and lots of ignoring IL's and getting housework done back to a normal routine

Your solicitor sounds fantastic!

I think the contact from the ILs needs knocking on the head. There is nothing to discuss, they have no need to be calling! Can your solicitor write them a letter asking for all communication through her. Or could the police officer dealing with your case have a word with them. I would ask your cousin to say that they will be notified of anything major going on in their dgcs lives but that until everything is settled legally there is no reason for them to be calling like this. I agree they are wanting to get the status guo in their favour. Even phone conversations I would want to avoid. Phone calls of a certain duration on their bill will look like you are happy to chat with them won't it. Give them the details of your solicitor and ask them not to call you.

Morning hiding ....just wanted to say that I can see you are a very strong woman and handling things incredibly well....all power to you

Your DD is a wonderful credit to you as a parent and you must be very proud of her and her maturity throughout this time. She is obviously a very special young woman

Now you have had such good, sound advice and things are 'in hand' with your solicitor...it will be giving you some relief and comfort that things are going the right way and will now be sorted with yours and your DC's best interests....

Maybe you can breathe a bit easier today and feel you have a better balance within things too.

best wishes and I'm sending strength and support to you along with everyone here

boredandrestless Solicitor was very good, I felt so much better after speaking to her, we will be ignoring all calls from IL's today. I only want to know if Dr's take him off to the funny farm or if he absconds.
The strangest bit is Ex has often missed contact due to work & IL's were meant to be away on hols now so 1 week does not a contact issue make!

Morning whatthe (I've just got up)
I will be striving for balance today - lots to do in RL. Last night it was good to be on my own & do Mummy stuff, I think my youngest has been revelling in all the visitors attention & I needed to re-adjust the reins on him a bit, remind him Mummy's still in charge.
The last thing I need right now is my lovely DC's going off the rails.

Off to face the world, feeling more confident & stronger day by day.
Thankyou for your messages.