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Original poster

To beg my DH not to end our marriage?

114 replies

NewMummy48 · 17/08/2012 23:10

DH has told me that he wants to end our marriage and he will move me out on Tuesday. Sad

He said he wants it to end because he has fallen out of love with me and I am not the women he married, he told me 3 weeks ago that he didn't want to have sex with me anymore and that he hates the sight of me, I just thought it would pass and that he had just had a bad day but there has been no affection, no interest and no conversations from him for over a month.

I admit it has been rocky, I was diagnosed with PND but my tablets gave me horrific side effects and so I was given new tablets to try. These also do not agree with me and I am seeing a specialist in a month for an assessment so I haven't been the most loving wife in the world and I have been ill and run down most days so DH is left to look after DS in the evening's so I can go and lay down which unusually results in me falling asleep. I still do the cleaning and general house duties, I have just been very ill lately and my PND caused alot of emotional problems so I have been ill physically and mentally.

My DH says that he wants the living room at night anyway so I wouldn't be allowed in even if I felt okay.

But he has come out with this, completely out of the blue and he means it as he said that we need to sort out the paperwork etc that's why he said Tuesday.

He has chosen to sleep on the sofa.

I am completely devastated and It is the last thing that I want, he is everything to me.

I begged him to change his mind, crying and pleading that I can change his mind but he told me no and left me in tears while he went to sleep.

Aibu to beg him

OP posts:
UKSky · 17/08/2012 23:13

I am so sorry to hear this. Firstly I'd see if you can get this moved to relationships where you will get more help.

But firstly, why does he want to move you out. He should be the one leaving, as you need a home for you and your DS.

Absolutely refuse to move out.

ChazsBrilliantAttitude · 17/08/2012 23:13

NewMummy
(Hugs)

What sort of man plans to leave his ill wife and young child. At best he is depressed himself at worst he is a complete shit.

Do you have anyone who can offer you support in real life?

Please don't beg, the only one who should be begging is him. He should be on his knees begging your forgiveness for being so unsupportive.

FutTheShuckUp · 17/08/2012 23:16

Agree with Chas- vile. Would he up and leave you if you had a physical illness such as cancer? His attitude is disgusting

scottishmummy · 17/08/2012 23:16

you need to prioritize your mental/physical wellbeing
if your marriage is over you need friends,support and to be stable
let gp and hv know your having tough time

sorry for your troubles but if he wants to leave you can't compel him to stay prioritize you and baby

KathrynK · 17/08/2012 23:16

So sorry to hear this. He's being unreasonable, not you. It's worth talking to www.Relate.org.uk for help with your rights/responsibilities and support with the relationship. (Hugs)

WorraLiberty · 17/08/2012 23:19

He's going to 'move you out' is he?

Does he think you're a piece of furniture? Hmm

Sorry this is happening to you OP but do not beg.

Do you have anyone in RL you can turn to for help with this?

internationalvulva · 17/08/2012 23:24

He can't move YouTube, ESP if you have dc. Tell him you and dc are going nowhere and if he wants to separate then he will have to do the leaving, then go and see a good solicitor and find out your rights.

I'm sorry this is happening to you, especially at a time when you are feeling emotionally vulnerable, but it sounds like he means it, for now, and you absolutely should stand your ground and not let him push you out.

Original poster
NewMummy48 · 17/08/2012 23:24

My DS is 12 months old and we have been together for 5 years married for 2. Im sorry if I am not making sense I am shaking and have been distraught all evening. I don't mind if this gets moved I just really need someone to advise me and to talk to and I know aibu has alot more traffic than relationships.

The problems started where DH seemed to become disinterested when I was first diagnosed with PND.

Sad I really don't know what I am going to do!

OP posts:
internationalvulva · 17/08/2012 23:24

Sorry, you out, not YouTube!!

greenplastictrees · 17/08/2012 23:26

Ok - sometimes its easier to go through the motions and look at things very factually if emotionally you aren't feeling strong.

You do not need to move out. He wants to look into ending your marriage. Yes, he can do do that but no he cannot move you out. It is your home too.

Secondly what does he propose will happen to your son?

You need to try and be brave. Do you have a real life person you can contact for support. When your feeling emotionally down it isn't easy to see things in a way that is fair to yourself and it sounds to me like you are putting blame on yourself and not being fair on yourself.

ChazsBrilliantAttitude · 17/08/2012 23:28

Do not agree to move out. He has no right to make you do so. It is for him to go if he has had enough.

Do you have family or friends you can talk to? I think you need some practical and emotional support in real life too.

internationalvulva · 17/08/2012 23:28

NewMummy, you are going to be fine. Not today, and maybe not for a little while, but you have it within yourself to cope without him if needs be and your need to protect and care for your little boy will help give you the strength you need to get through this.

I'm sure the PND is not the only reason for this happening, you married for 'better or worse' right? Has he been stressed for any other reason? Any big changes or bereavements happened recently?

anonacfr · 17/08/2012 23:29

You poor thing!

The man is a prick of the highest order. You have PND for God's sake and he has the nerve to tell you you're not the woman he married????? What a cunt.

First off don't let yourself be barred from the living room. It's your house and you're allowed to go in any room you want.
And don't let him even think of 'moving you out'. I can't believe the arsehole even said that to you!!!!!

Do you have any family nearby? You need someone with you on Tuesday and if anyone is moving out, it's him not you.

I hate to say this but is it possible he has found someone else? It sounds like he's basically getting rid of you to move someone else in.

How old is your DS btw? And how sad that you wrote your husband 'is left to look after him in the evenings'.... My first DC was always cry-ey in the evenings. I didn't have PND but as soon as DH came home from work he took over looking after her so that I could watch some TV, go for a walk, have a bath.... Basically anything relaxing.
Because we're both parents and we're a team.

CrikeyOHare · 17/08/2012 23:29

Move you out to where exactly? And with your new baby? What a disgusting man he is.

You are not being unreasonable to want to beg and plead, most people would (and have) in your situation but please, please try not to. It won't actually achieve you anything. If he's genuinely made up his mind, then nothing you can say at this stage will change it.

It will probably be the hardest thing you have ever done, but if you can, try to present a relatively calm exterior to him. If he's going, he's going - but he doesn't have to take your dignity with him, does he? God that sounds harsh, but that's how you'll view it a few months from now.

The pressing concern is this nonsense about "moving you out". If you're married, presumably that gives you some residency rights so simply refuse point blank to go on the basis that he'll be making his child homeless and you won't allow it.

God, what a fucking awful situation for you. You must be distraught :(

And yes - try to get this moved to Relationships. The support and advice you'll get there is amazing.

PavlovtheCat · 17/08/2012 23:30

oh i am so sorry to hear this.

DO NOT LEAVE. he must leave. you have a child to support, you have PND, you need to stay where you are to be able to continue raising your child. If you are struggling now you will struggle if you leave, having to resettle, settle your dc.

What an absolute shit. Not only is he leaving you when you need him the most, but he wants you to leave! Is he suggesting he has the baby, or that you will move out with baby? he can take a hike.

Please tell him that you are going nowhere.

Who is around you in RL? family? friends? work colleagues/other mums?

chipsandmushypeas · 17/08/2012 23:30

I'm so sorry :( he sounds horrible, do you think there is someone else?

scottishmummy · 17/08/2012 23:31

talk to gp and hv, let them know stress you under
get a solicitor,discuss situation
and prioritize you and baby welfare

Original poster
NewMummy48 · 17/08/2012 23:32

I live 300 miles away from my family and friends as I had to move 6 months ago away for DH's job. He wants to hire a van and move everything out to my DM's house as that would be the only place I could go. Sad I can't stop shaking I am so upset I just want to wake him up and literally beg him to want me.

OP posts:
scottishmummy · 17/08/2012 23:34

you need a solicitor.go nowhere
let gp and hv know your situation
if he needs space he can move out

PavlovtheCat · 17/08/2012 23:35

you want to wake him up and tell him to hire a van and ship everything to his own mother's. So, you moved, with PND, and a very young child, for his job, 6 months ago, and because it is not all hunky dory bed of roses and skipping and jumping, he is deserting you.

You might not see this now, but in time you will see you are so better off without this man in your life.

internationalvulva · 17/08/2012 23:35

The more you beg, the less he will want you, I know that's awful, but it is universally true. You need to stop begging and start being angry. this man is supposed to love and protect you, and the gorgeous child you have together, how F-ing dare he turn around and tell you that he's planning on moving you out??? What sort of a man DOES that to a woman with PND and his own child??? He is a bastard, and bastards only understand when someone stands up to them.

IneedAbetterNicknameIn2012 · 17/08/2012 23:36

My ex left me for another woman because of my depression. Do NOT let him move you out, for reasons others have said. And be strong, you can get through this (((hugs)))

QuangleWangleQuee · 17/08/2012 23:37

Sorry to say this but i have known two people whose dh/dp have suddenly said they have fallen out of love with them and in both cases it turned out they had met someone else even though the woman had thought they would never do that. Sad Do not move out. If he wants to split then he is the one who can bugger off. Saying he hates the sight of you is pretty fucking nasty. Sad

PavlovtheCat · 17/08/2012 23:37

if i lived close enough, i would happily come around and hold your hand/drink coffee with you/give you some morale support if you are away from your family and friends, where are you?

scottishmummy · 17/08/2012 23:38

get pragmatic.get practical
solicitor
gp and hv
devastating as it is, let him go. sort yourself and baby