To beg my DH not to end our marriage?

[NewMummy48]

DH has told me that he wants to end our marriage and he will move me out on Tuesday.

He said he wants it to end because he has fallen out of love with me and I am not the women he married, he told me 3 weeks ago that he didn't want to have sex with me anymore and that he hates the sight of me, I just thought it would pass and that he had just had a bad day but there has been no affection, no interest and no conversations from him for over a month.

I admit it has been rocky, I was diagnosed with PND but my tablets gave me horrific side effects and so I was given new tablets to try. These also do not agree with me and I am seeing a specialist in a month for an assessment so I haven't been the most loving wife in the world and I have been ill and run down most days so DH is left to look after DS in the evening's so I can go and lay down which unusually results in me falling asleep. I still do the cleaning and general house duties, I have just been very ill lately and my PND caused alot of emotional problems so I have been ill physically and mentally.

My DH says that he wants the living room at night anyway so I wouldn't be allowed in even if I felt okay.

But he has come out with this, completely out of the blue and he means it as he said that we need to sort out the paperwork etc that's why he said Tuesday.

He has chosen to sleep on the sofa.

I am completely devastated and It is the last thing that I want, he is everything to me.

I begged him to change his mind, crying and pleading that I can change his mind but he told me no and left me in tears while he went to sleep.

Aibu to beg him

Sorry, just to add, he is a sh*t, what kind of man decides he will move his wife and child out on Tuesday? FFS.

Do not let him do this. I don't mean beg him for your marriage because it may not seem like it now, but you are worth much, much more than this. I mean, tell him that you understand he wants to leave the marriage and therefore he needs to find a hotel at the moment. He cannot do anything about joint accounts without your signature, so don't sign, if it is your marital home and you have a mortgage, he can't do anything with the house without your signature, and so on. He cannot remove you from the house without your consent as it is your house too, it is your son's house. Do not do anything until you have legal advice and a plan.

I hope you get some sleep and wish you strength tomorrow.

Bless your heart.

Dont beg. It will only serve to make you feel worse throwing yourself at his pitiless mercy ( I speak from experience)

He would probably even enjoy the feeling of power over you to see you beg. He is heartless.

And my love, why would someone as lovely sounding as you want to beg such a vile man to stay anyway?

Oh, I'm so so sorry - of course you're distraught and frightened.

As a fellow sufferer of depression (which ultimately led to the demise of my own marriage a few months ago - depression, low libido, little interest in sex, H decides to get it elsewhere...) I know that cloud, the difficulty in being proactive but right now, try, please try just to sit quietly and gain strength from all teh support you've already had on here. Then read, really carefully the advice and what people are saying.

You do NOT have to leave. YOu might decide further down the line that you want to go back to family but right now, this is your home with your dc. If he has decided that the marriage is over then he needs to move out. Might be temporary, might not but you MUST not go anywhere. He can't just decide he's had enough of you and pack you and your dc (if he can 'afford' it.. WTAF) into a little box and wave you off.

This is an absolute body blow for you and doubly cruel because of your PND. The person who is supposed to love and support you is doing the opposite. But do you know what? Whatever happens, it will be OK. Really it will. You won't be able to see it now but there are squillions of us here who have come out the other side, happier and stronger.

Practical practical practical. Surprise him in the morning with your steely resolve when you tell him that if he wants to end the marriage then he needs to be the one to leave and to give you space to decide what YOU want to do.

I'm not too far away from Yorks if you need a cuppa over the weekend? Take care

The best thing may be if he leave for a few days/a week to stay with family/to a b&b to give you both some breathing space. You might decide somewhere down the line that actually you'd rather get a place down by your family but you can't be too hasty and shouldn't be bullied into anything.

The future probably seems so uncertain but one things for sure you'll look back on this from a brighter day and think wow how did I get through that, but you will have.

DO NOT MOVE OUT, OP.

He cannot make you leave a joint property without it going through court.

He also has NO CHOICE about continuing to financially support your child - the CSA are there for a reason.

I'm sorry to say that it DOES sound very like he has another woman waiting to move in. Don't be pushed out of your and your baby's home.

Get some legal advice NOW. Get angry. Do NOT let him move you out on Tuesday.

Tell him this is your CHILD'S HOME, and as such, if he doesn't want to be where his child is, then he knows which way the front door is, and HE can see himself out!!

If anyone is going to move out, it WON'T be the Resident Parent, OP. even in a case where the father owned the property before the relationship, 9/10 times, the mother can stay there till the youngest child is 18, and the house be sold then.

Please get some legal advice and don't be pushed around by this despicable bastard.

If he hadn't already said he was leaving, I'd tell you to leave the bastard!!

I agree with Hidden especially if you are renting and it's not an owned house.

Yes you could fight for your home but part of your PND could be the total isolation and lack of support, being made to feel a burden by this wanker, I take from your "I'm not allowed in the living room" etc that he has never been very kind?

Go home, go get family help and support, let him pay to move you to a place you feel more comfortable, away from him then (and I wouldn't
Normally say this) get a damn good solicitor and rinse the fucker for every penny you can.

Mostly though get angry, not begging!

What a fucking shit your husband is. I am so sorry this is happening to you.

Can you speak to your Mum/family about this? Do they know what your husband has said to you? What have they said?

Can you see a solicitor on Monday or ring one? If you explain how urgent it is you may be able to see someone straight away and you can often get a free 30 minute appointment, so you won't need to worry about paying for initial advice.

Think about what it is that you want, you are the one who is ill, you are the one with day to day care of your child, you didn't choose this situation and it is not up to you to move out, especially with a baby.

I wish there was something I could do to help you, having been left when I had PND by an absolute arsehole, I have a tiny idea how you might be feeling. Do youf eel able to accept an offer of help/coffee/chat from a Mumsnetter near you?

Yes, if you have a joint account take half the money NOW because he will move it himself otherwise.

It is half yours, so put half of it into a sole account NOW. Telephone banking, online banking, don't really care, but for God's sake financially protect yourself and your baby!

You know what, if this was me, I'd stroll in the front room, and calmly as you like, just ask "Who is she?"

His reaction will be telling...

I think hidden makes some valid points, if you have a good relationship with your familyand friends in the town you moved from, maybe it's a blessing in disguise!!! Not having to bump into him with the child he's going to "try to find the time to see" may be a relief. God he sounds like a real piece of shit. So sorry you're going through this.

I thought exactly the same thing, Couthy.

So sorry for you.

I don't understand this. He can't tell you to leave. I have to say, personally I wouldn't beg. I don't think that will help in the circumstances. You could tell him that you would prefer to work things out for the two of you and the family, but if he wants to move out he is welcome to do so. Don't be pressured into going anywhere until you are ready to move.

I agree with Hidden and I too think he has someone else.

Arsehole .

I know it is possible there is someone else, there are red flags, but you will see that one of the earlier posters decided not to pursue her suspicions as she felt that wasn't the best way to help the OP. I agree with her on both counts.

The OP is feeling very vulnerable at the moment and is at a very low point I wonder if it would be better just to offer practical support for now and deal with the wider picture once the immediate crisis has passed.

Just a thought.

Remove your half of the money from any joint bank account immediately,
before the complete and utter bastard swipes the lot.

Get immediate legal advice.Do NOT "sort out " any paperwork with that callous shit over the weekend.It is very suspicious he is "hustling" you into doing this.Seems to indicate there is someone waiting in the wings.

Try to find a relative or friend who is willing to be around between now and
Tuesday to help stop any bullying.If necessary contact the local police.

Do not let DS out of your sight.

Above all do NOT agree to leave your marital home.As an earlier poster said,
if you move out on Tuesday you could end up getting sweet f.a.Something tells me that he is perfectly aware of this and wants to move you out as fast as possible so that you have almost no time to consider your rights.

It's his son's home f.f.s.New Mummy,if you can't yet get angry for you, then look at your d.s's beautiful face and get angry for him. This pathetic
excuse for a man cannot expel both of you from your home.

If anyone's leaving it's got to be him ! Oh and on no account beg him to stay.
Any man who tries to expel his wife (and a depressed one at that ) together
with their baby son is a lowlife beyond words who doesn't know the meaning of "marriage" or " family".

Hugs to you and the little'un.Stay strong,Beautiful New Mummy.You can do it !

maybe i'm a bitch but i would be taking ALL the money, op has the child to think of, he has already said he cant afford to pay her for a while and benefits take 2 weeks (i think?) to sort out, op needs money to live off he made his bed so now he has to lie in it her husband can fend for himself

I cant add anything to what has been said but my support and to say DO NOT LEAVE.

He cant force you out and you shouldnt go.

DO NOT LEAVE UNDER ANY CIRCUMSTANCES.

Take care, we are here for you xxxx

I just wanted to add my good wishes OP. I have nothing useful to add but I really hope things work out for you and your LO.

I am appalled, how can men like this actually exist? It seems that they have lost all sense of right and wrong, lost any emotional core no empathy at all not even with those closest to them.

Op I am so sorry, you are I'll and need support from your husband. He doesn't understand what depression is. Please stay strong, call your mum or someone you trust and get the support you need. Fight for your rights.

Stay where you are - the medical teams know you best in your current locale and his shenanigans risks making your pnd worse. With a little un your health comes first. You may well decide to move, for family support, but that should be your choice and at a pace that is convenient to you (& not some wee trollop he may have hidden away).

Even if you were well, noone should be expected to move at 72 hours notice 300 miles across the country with a small baby ffs - it's inhumane & wicked. If removal men turn up to move your stuff on Tuesday, dial 999 & let the authorities explain this man's obligations to him.

If you have any joint bank accounts - withdraw 1/2 if they willl let you , and if not put a block on ANY fund withdrawals being made without your signature. (see what telephone/internet banking will let you do or visit a branch on Sat mornining).
Ensure any tax credits, cb etc are paid with immediate effect into an account in your sole name.

You need to tell him straight that if he wants out then he knows where the front door is and that he can stay at a B&B, BUT that you EXPECT him to honour all household bills and the cost of a nanny for evenings while you are recovering from a serious illness brought on by birthing his flesh and blood.

Begging? For what? Marriage is about in sickness & in health and he is betraying both you and your precious child right now in the worst possible way - you have every right to be absolutely FURIOUS! The world revolves around the child you created together, NOT his trecherous arse!

DO NOT SIGN A DAMN THING UNTIL YOU HAVE HAD LEGAL ADVICE.

Women's aid may be able to help you understand that actually you have RIGHTS (and so does your child!).

Just wanted to second (tenth? Fifteenth?) what everyone else has said. DO NOT LEAVE. If he wants to end the marriage he can go. Get the advice of a solicitor ASAP. He sounds like a complete bully. It might be difficult to see a lawyer before Tuesday, I wonder if he's told you this now at a weekend to reduce your chance of getting available support (which might be during office hours).

Do you think he might get nasty if you refuse to leave (he's already being a complete arsehole, but would he be shouty or physical?) I wonder whether it would be worth getting the police involved and giving them a heads up to say your husband is trying to force you to leave the property by physically throwing you out. they might at least tell him he can't.

It sounds like he's planned this coldheartedly and begging won't help. He's a few steps ahead of you as he's blindsided you. Get practical and think of your son. Sending much strength and hugs to you xx

Definitely, definitely get any money out of a joint account into your own account, as soon as you possibly can, first thing tomorrow, or sooner if you have phone banking. I'd actually go for the whole lot rather than half, because that money is for your son who you're going to be looking after (and you already know your 'D'H is not going to be nice about paying his fair share).

feel so sorry for you op

FWIW I understand how it feels to beg to save your marriage. I'm not going into detail here, but suffice to say I completely understand.

With hindsight, it would maybe have been easier on both of us to stay separated 5 years ago, but we didn't. 2 more DCs later, things are rocky as hell, but we're clinging on - just.

Relate are fantastic - we have a further appt with our counsellor on Tuesday.

Stay strong as you possibly can, and don't be forced out of your home.

It does sound suspiciously like there may be an OW waiting to take your place, is there any way you can check his phone/email etc for clues? Don't put yourself in any danger though.

If you end up wanting to leave do it on your terms. Do not let him ship you and your son out like a piece of furniture, I am sure legally he cannot do that. In case you cannot see a solicitor on Monday call woman's aid today. They will be able to help and advise.

I am so sorry the person who has vowed to love and care for you is being such an utter shithead at a time when you are so vulnerable

I agree with the majority on here. Don't beg for that scumbag of a h. You are worth so much more than him, Mabey not now but ater on you will see that. Don't move out, this is your home and your child's home, why should you move out because he wants you to. forget this scum, you and your dc come first. As Couthycow and many others have said. Don't waste your time on this fecer, go to CAB, woman's aid, get legal advice.