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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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Original poster

To beg my DH not to end our marriage?

114 replies

NewMummy48 · 17/08/2012 23:10

DH has told me that he wants to end our marriage and he will move me out on Tuesday.

He said he wants it to end because he has fallen out of love with me and I am not the women he married, he told me 3 weeks ago that he didn't want to have sex with me anymore and that he hates the sight of me, I just thought it would pass and that he had just had a bad day but there has been no affection, no interest and no conversations from him for over a month.

I admit it has been rocky, I was diagnosed with PND but my tablets gave me horrific side effects and so I was given new tablets to try. These also do not agree with me and I am seeing a specialist in a month for an assessment so I haven't been the most loving wife in the world and I have been ill and run down most days so DH is left to look after DS in the evening's so I can go and lay down which unusually results in me falling asleep. I still do the cleaning and general house duties, I have just been very ill lately and my PND caused alot of emotional problems so I have been ill physically and mentally.

My DH says that he wants the living room at night anyway so I wouldn't be allowed in even if I felt okay.

But he has come out with this, completely out of the blue and he means it as he said that we need to sort out the paperwork etc that's why he said Tuesday.

He has chosen to sleep on the sofa.

I am completely devastated and It is the last thing that I want, he is everything to me.

I begged him to change his mind, crying and pleading that I can change his mind but he told me no and left me in tears while he went to sleep.

Aibu to beg him

OP posts:

ChazsBrilliantAttitude · 17/08/2012 23:39

How the fuck can he sleep soundly after dumping all this shit on your head. What a selfish bastard.

Is the property rented? If so, is your name on the tenancy?

anditwasallyellow · 17/08/2012 23:39

I'm so angry for you and wish I could give you a big hug.

Do you own/rent your house? He cannot just 'move you out'. I don't think that you should beg and plead even though that's probably what you feel like doing because it will only prolong the agony and could result in him saying even more hurtful things.

Ring you mum, friends, anyone who can support you. Speak to your gp and HV as soon as possible. Try to take each hour and day as it comes, make sure you eat and get some sleep and think about your health, whatever happens you will get through it even though it may feel like the end of the world right now.

CrikeyOHare · 17/08/2012 23:41

NewMummy He can want whatever he wants, hire as many vans as he chooses, you do not have to go anywhere.

Who the fuck does he think he is?

Try to get angry about this. You have every right to. Look what this man is trying to do - he's trying to make your baby homeless! There's simply no justification for that.

You are not a child, neither are you one of his possessions to be moved in and out at will. You are a grown woman, a mother, and this despicable man needs to have the riot act read to him. Do NOT roll over and do as you're told. This is your home!

ErikNorseman · 17/08/2012 23:41

You must not beg him. This is the point that you have to gather your strength and your wits and hold it together. Begging is futile, will not work and will lead him to walk all over you because he will feel in power over you.
Get some legal advice on Monday. Inform him calmly that you will not be leaving the marital home unless and until a proper legal settlement is made (could be months, and you could be awarded the house, or at least equity from it, but if you leave you could get squat)
He wants to ship you and his son 300 miles away? What a cunt. Out of sight, out of mind? Sorry to say but it does have serious tones of an affair :(

Original poster

NewMummy48 · 17/08/2012 23:42

Thankyou so much for the support, I have never been so upset. He said that he wants me to move out because his job is up here and there is no need for me to be up here anyway so I might aswell be back with family. He told me he will pay for DS and see him when he can but has told me that it will not be for a while as he cannot 'afford it'.

I never thought that this would happen, I have to plan a whole new life now and the thought makes me physically sick having to do it without him with me.

I'm exhausted, confused, upset and completely devestated. I know I am repeating myself and I am sorry it has just been the biggest shock and I do not know what to do now.

OP posts:

downbythewater · 17/08/2012 23:43

Just wanted to add DO NOT move out. Especially do not leave your child with him. You and your DS have the right to stay in your family home.

Please get some real life support. Go down to the citizens advice bureau and find out exactly what your right are.

scottishmummy · 17/08/2012 23:46

are you seen by cmht?do you get support for pnd in community
let go and hv know your stressors,ask for support
keep records of dates, requests or demands he makes.instruct a solicitor. if it's joint acc transfer some money to self so youre solvent

Original poster

NewMummy48 · 17/08/2012 23:46

I am in Yorkshire, I don't know what I am going to do for the next few days, I really want to gain the strength to be angry and not beg but I am at the lowest point possible, I just feel empty.

OP posts:

greenplastictrees · 17/08/2012 23:47

You do not need to move out but do you want to? Would you rather be back with your other members of your family? If so then consider it. By no means do it on his terms. You do not need to go because he says and you should speak to a RL friend or family member in the mean time while you get your cards in order.

Contact someone as soon as possible who can support you and make sure you are thinking of yourself and DS and not blaming yourself. Think about finances, paperwork, whether you want to stay so far from everyone else you love if he's going to treat you like this and then once you've figured out what it is you want, set the wheels in motion.

You do not need to go on his terms but nor do you need to stay. Think about what you want.

onemorebite · 17/08/2012 23:47

so sorry new mummy. You will feel calmer in the morning. Have one of a large drink/hot tea/warm milk. Go to bed (personally I would sleep in same room/with DP) and try to sleep. Really hard I know but you need to get strong for the weekend. If you can't phone your mum or whoever else in your family or friends will support you.

As others have said above, he cannot move you out. If he wants to leave you can't stop him (sorry but it is true) - but he does not have the right to uproot you and your child.

Take a deep breath and take one step at at time.

Stay strong

PavlovtheCat · 17/08/2012 23:47

if you decide, once you have got your head around this, that moving back to where your parents live is the best thing for you, you do that when you are ready to make that decision. So he moves out and gets his own place. You stay here in the family home until you are ready to consider where the best place for you and your child is, that is your call, not his.

ChazsBrilliantAttitude · 17/08/2012 23:48

The key thing to remember is that its not his choice. He doesn't get to choose if you move out, he doesn't get to choose when its convenient for him to pay for your DS.

He seems to think that you have no voice and that you and your DS have no rights. He is very very wrong on this.

You need some expert advice. Do not agree to anything until you have had that expert advice.

onemorebite · 17/08/2012 23:49

sorry - I meant to say I would sleep in same room as DS.

QuangleWangleQuee · 17/08/2012 23:49

He can't just tell you to go and live with your mum. You are a grown woman who has left home and now has a child. If he wants to live apart then he can rent a bedsit nearby so he can get to work and also help with childcare. He doesn't get to just move you and the child on when it suits him. Please stay put OP and tel him you are not moving out.

PavlovtheCat · 17/08/2012 23:50

and yes yes to making sure, if you have a joint account that you take your share now so you have money to support yourself, and change bank details for CTC payments etc so it goes to you if not already.

internationalvulva · 17/08/2012 23:52

'He said that he wants me to move out because his job is up here and there is no need for me to be up here anyway so I might aswell be back with family. He told me he will pay for DS and see him when he can but has told me that it will not be for a while as he cannot 'afford it'.

WTAF??? Sod what he wants! NewMummy, you are worth SO much more than this man-child. I cannot get over his attitude to your son. Please, please do NOT let this arsehole kick you out. Stand your ground, tell him you won't play ball, and get to a solicitor. It will buy you some time to consider your options. Will your Family come and support you by being there so he can't bully you into doing what he wants. he has chosen your most fragile moment. I also think it sounds very suspicious, but you have enough to deal with right now not to speculate about that, get yourself anchored in the house first, we'll be here to help you through whatever else comes. X

Original poster

NewMummy48 · 17/08/2012 23:52

He said that we will have to sort the accounts out etc over the next few days so that's why he has said Tuesday.

I am going to have some wine and try to sleep as it will no doubt be the harder tomorrow. I cannot thankyou all enough for your advice and support please keep posting as I will need it for the morning.

OP posts:

internationalvulva · 17/08/2012 23:53

New Mummy, I am in Yorkshire, if you PM me I can tell you where and then if you need some practical help I may be able to help you.

janey68 · 17/08/2012 23:55

Do not beg. Do not leave (unless you want to temporarily stay with friends / family for support)

You can't make him love you or stay married to you, but that doesn't mean he can walk all over you.

Don't make any big decisions for 24 hours. Sleep, eat ,look after the baby and confide in a real life friend . If you can't do the latter keep posting for support. Once the initial shock subsides you can think about how you want to respond. Nothing will be sorted quickly, it would be a lie to say it'll be easy; there will be some tough times but you can get through.

But honestly, begging will push him away even more. Don't lower yourself.

summerflower · 17/08/2012 23:55

Oh sweetie, huge, huge hugs.

I second the others who say that he cannot move you out, it is your marital home and therefore you have a right to be there. You may not want to stay there long term after this, but he cannot pack you up and drive you away to suit him. So he needs to find a hotel or something and give you some space to get your thoughts together.

FWIW, my dd's father left when she was a baby and I went through all the emotions you are going through now. I agree with the other posters, not to let your DS out of your sight, and to get some expert advice as soon as you can, make sure that you have money if it is a joint account and focus on the practicalities. You will be in shock and numb, but you have rights. I know you have moved three hundred miles, but do you have friends or family who would be prepared to come and support you over the weekend?

scottishmummy · 17/08/2012 23:58

in morning do phone banking
transfer money to self
get a plan.write a list

ChazsBrilliantAttitude · 17/08/2012 23:59

NewMummy
One question you might want to think about - If he can afford to support you and DS now, why wouldn't he be able to do so if you moved out? Doesn't sound quite right to me.

EightiesChick · 18/08/2012 00:02

Have you any friends locally you can confide in? I would.

As everyone says, don't go anywhere. Ring the police if he gets nasty. Is it a rented house or do you own it - if so, is it a joint mortgage?

Plus, never mind 'he can't afford it'. He will bloody well pay what a court orders him to pay, not what he picks and chooses.

Tell him you are going nowhere and you will speak to a solicitor who will advise you on what is reasonable. He doesn't get to decide everything.

onemorebite · 18/08/2012 00:04

New Mummy - Do not agree to ANYTHING until you have a lawyer. You do not need to sort accounts out in the next few days. It is sneaky of him to try and do this at a weekend - when you cannot get legal advice or support.

Do you have any friends at all from mum and baby groups? Even mums you don't know all that well will I am sure come and help you out over the weekend.

He is trying to take advantage of the fact you are alone and isolated.

Sleep and stay strong.

You are a very powerful woman. Believe that and there is no way he will be able to walk over you.

hiddenhome · 18/08/2012 00:05

Just to put a different slant on this. You could use moving 300 miles back to your parents house as an opportunity to get away from this scum sucking bottom feeder. Do you really want to be stuck in the same town as this bloke, co-parenting in some miserable fashion for the next x number of years? You could get out now and turn your back on him, raise your child how you see fit and see it as an opportunity for a new life. Do you really want this bloke around you now that you know where you stand with him? Sod him, get as far away as possible and seize this opportunity. He's shown his true colours and he's a miserable coward. Go to where you have support from friends and family. It's his loss. Your child doesn't need a bloke like this as its father. Be strong.

Once he rallies his thoughts, he could decide that he wants to be involved in the child's life after all and that he wants regular contact. He could then legally prevent you from moving away, which means you'll be stuck in that town.

Take this opportunity and go. You can sort out financial/legal stuff later. Don't find yourself trapped. Think about it.

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