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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Am I weird to love being alone so much

312 replies

BlissfulSolitude · 17/08/2012 13:46

Mid 50s divorcee here, mum of DD aged 14 who want sot know this: is it strange, after years of trying to come to terms with who I am and what I need, to have concluded that I'm happiest doing things on my own (apart from being with close family that is). I have a great relationship with DD and adore my cat and dog but find being around people incredibly wearing and love nothing better than to be at home reading, thinking, writing, listening to music and pottering. I have a small handful of dear friends but can go months without seeing them, enjoy my work and get on well with most of my colleagues but find the incessant small talk unbearable. People seem to find me engaging and like my company but I just don't seem to want the same level of human involvement as they do, although I quite like being amongst people if I don't have to talk much. After years of being in unsatisfactory relationships, I'm not interested in finding a man.

All my life I've tried to move out of my comfort zone and become more of an extravert (I feel society puts a lot of pressure on us to be outgoing) and had to use alcohol and drugs to do this; doing anything social involved getting hammered and turned me into the life and soul of the party. But my drinking inevitably got out of control, I got into a lot of trouble and now I'm contentedly abstinent. Without drink I just can't face the thought of socialising but I don't really care if I never go to another party again. I've grown to accept that I'm an introvert and would love to stop beating myself up about not seeing friends enough or engaging in activities that don't centre on the life of the mind. But I wonder if this is healthy and whether I'm unusual and would really welcome some opinions. Thanks.

OP posts:
laptopwieldingharpy · 21/08/2012 11:13

@MadbusLady and Ruberglove:

I really think its actually having small children that has highlighted this essential trait in my personality.
I am a very socially able person but I need the space; mental and physical. I can only do small doses.

The physicality of toddlers is astonishing and am glad the youngest (4.5) is finally outgrowing the habit of head butting me for a hug and crawling over me constantly when am sitting/lying down).
We still love having them snuggle up on our big bed though.But they have to be still Smile!

I acknowledged my sensory problems due to the constant stimulation and extreme exhaustion from lack of sleep. DCs have grown up a bit but I have not outgrown my extreme reactions to noise and light or sudden jerky movements, or simply any situation of multi-sensory overload.
Young children definitely occupy that extra space.
I would not say they invade it as we invite them into it. They just need to be taught to create that space for themselves and respect other's privacy.
Don't be scared MadBus, just be prepared. Its just a small phase and a lot of young parents don't prepare for the impact of toddlerhood on a couple.

It's heartwarming to see that most posters here do see this in a positive light.I always saw it as a positive, as being self reliant and self motivated.
And although I want my kids to be assertive and socially able, I want them first and foremost to be grounded and learn to be self reliant in finding that inner space.

I have learned to interact with the kids 1-1 as much as possible to avoid everyone getting frustrated by the lack of attention.This also helps them a lot learning to compartmentalize and find time to themselves/ make most of our time together.
We tend to do "high energy" fun stuff together outdoors mainly(swimming, playing ball, tennis etc...) and the house is a bit of a sanctuary.

Somebody mentioned stillness? That has to be my favorite word in the dictionary. It rings clear and crisp.

molepom · 21/08/2012 11:13

Found it! (by pressing the back page butten a few times!)

Oh wow, some really good questions here since I last posted.

Relationships - 11 years with the ex so it's not that I cant keep a relationship going. It's been 2 years since he left and without counting the 3 month rebound fling thing, there hasnt been a bloke since and I've loved every single second of it. I also struggle with getting people to realise that I just dont want a bloke in my lifeor my space, I dont miss it at all. I love my space and I plan to keep it that way. The ex was an introvert too and would spend days on the computer, he may come down for a cuppa and make me one but that would be the most we see of him. It suited us both fine. We would both spend time with the kids playing but we needed to be back on our own for a while afterwards.

Which brings me on to the kids - I love them as I'm sure you all do, but yes, I'm happiest when they are doing their thing and I'm doing mine. DD is an extrovert and now she's old enough to play out with her mates and go the park I hardly see her, ds is an introvert and will play with lego for hours, and hours...sometimes he wasnt's some company - other times not. That suits us both. As long as they get a hug and kiss every now and again they are happy as well (so they say). Again, the lack of headspace I find really hard to deal with and the hassling, if it's not one it's the other asking the same thing 3 seconds later. I tend to snap at the kids at least once a day and I know it's not their fault it's mine. I'm just going to have to learn to stop before reacting for a few more years yet before they will understand.

I'm a libran and 31.

Work - oh god, I will never work in an office again. NEVER. The small talk, the gossip, the politics, the bullshit, the crap, the constant chatter, the sneezing!, repeating myself (something I HATE with a passion), THE LIGHTS!!.....arggghhhhh.
Now, because I'm a carer for ds that has given me the chance to go back to college and re train, with the idea of going self employed later on. In theory.

Shopping - as I said up thread, there is one person who I like to go shopping with but that's because she's used to my ways and doesnt get offended when I vanish for a couple of minutes. She'll do her thing and I'll do mine then meet up again outside the shop. That and we both have terrible memories but I can remember her stuff and she can remember mine. We are each others post it notes.

Phones - Anyone else find they are constantly reassuring draining friends (if you have any draining friends left and not kicked them to the curb) that that you havn't fallen out with them, you are not ignoring them, or whatever else because you don't feel the need to respond to a call or a text within the first 2 milliseconds of hearing the bleep?

I love this thread.

Oh and this:

"And overly lengthy descriptions and stories - FGS, who cares if I know the exact road you were on when that mildly interesting thing happened to you, just tell the damn story."

YES! Just get on with it and get to the point while trying to keep down the urge of either grabbing them by shoulders and shaking them or making the "and? get on with it gesture" with your hands while they are pausing in the middle of the story or worse...backtracking for another pointles and un-important detail. Does anyone else find themselves tuning out and listening to the radio in the background instead when this goes on for too fucking long? A bit like this post really....

laptopwieldingharpy · 21/08/2012 11:15

Smile molepom, that IS very frustrating!

molepom · 21/08/2012 11:17

What, my last post? I agree.

laptopwieldingharpy · 21/08/2012 11:20

Aha! The phones......am with you!

rubberglove · 21/08/2012 11:39

My kids can occupy themselves but actually I love reading to them, drawing, playing. Nice quiet, still activities Smile. My dh is very good at doing physical stuff with them, so we try to work as a team.

I find my ILs hard. My Mil chatters constantly, about people I don't even know and won't let the gc be still and self-sufficient. I think she is anxious and I do love her, but I am finding family get togethers hard.

mercury7 · 21/08/2012 11:48

great thread!
I love my kids but i found being a parent very difficult, crushing and overwhelming, the frenetic natures of young children, the weight of the constant demand made me feel anxious most of the time.

rubberglove · 21/08/2012 12:32

I used to think I should be like Mil, with no positive mother role model of my own. Now I realise we are just different. I still admire her energy for people, I am not saying I am right. But I am getting more comfortable in my own skin and it is okay to need my space and not spend every day with family.

I do find her house draining. The constant chatter, phone ringing, doorbell, chatter etc. The downside to it, is there is no time for stillness of quality one on one. When I am with someone, I am a good listener, I am not shy of discussing fears, concerns etc.

But I do get the impression Mil is running from that. She can talk endlessly but will quickly change the subject if it is deep...

rubberglove · 21/08/2012 12:35

Sorry turning it into a mil rant but it felt good to say it.

I find myself avoiding some family get togethers, but I don't want to ruin the relationship. Advice appreciated!

molepom · 21/08/2012 13:14

Rubber glove what about turning down 1 of every 3 invitations for visits . Ie, go to 2 and miss the next one and so on and so on.

BibiBlocksberg · 21/08/2012 13:23

"Does anyone else find themselves tuning out and listening to the radio in the background instead when this goes on for too fucking long?"

Definitely! Strangely enough one of my friends is like this, every tiny detail is covered, described and and re-described. I often tune out for the really tedious unimportant bits and then have to remember to put my 'oh, really?' amazed/interested listening face on again in time for the main bit of the story.Grin

Just realised I sound utterly dreadful to have a conversation with but I'm not, honest, guv

Phones, oh dear, phones, they drive me demented, especially in the work arena. To be able to follow a thought or task from start to finish without being constantly interrupted with largely unimportant twaddle (as I seem to be the unofficial receptionist for an entire floor) is a luxury I can only dream of.

And friends phoning, not keen on that either since I also used to get two hours of emotional drama, 'he said this', s'he said that', 'oh isn't awful', 'what am I to do' and then the bastards would hang up without even asking how I was.

I've taken to converting one or two of my neighbours into good enough friends to have occasional dinners and days out with - works very well especially since no ione s far enough away to have to have hour long chats over the phone :)

Relationships, mmh, strange area that, like another poster here I kept going and going for years knowing I wasn't happy and wanted out but everytime I thought about it seriously I felt only horror at being all alone in the world, a 'sad act' singleton with only cats for company.

Yes it was strange and sometimes lonely at first but two years on it was absolutely the right thing for me to do - nearly twenty years spent bending myself over backwards to accoodate the needs and likes and dislikes of someone else mean it's taken ages to get to know me.

When I'm in a Relationship I turn into this nervous, anxious creature, always worried about whether what I'm doing is upsetting/disturbing the other one, are they happy blah blah blah.

Which wouldn't have been so bad had I not insisted on picking partners who were thoroughly entitled, selfish and childish and happily hoovered up all of the love and care and concern and comfort without ever thinking it might be a good idea to return some of it.

Having the house free of games consolse noises, tv turned up really loud because there's a film on, snoring, loud washing up and tidying away (are you washing up or re-building the kitchen dear?) door slamming etc etc - and being free of the dread of the starting is bliss.

Whenever I was first to come home from work the place would be silent and peaceful.

As soon as partner would step in the door the tv would HAVE to be on (like it was some sort of law) and the moaning about his awful day would start, kettle boiling constantly for more tea and general noisy and moody stomping about a tiny house shattering any hope of any sort of peace.

Funnily enough, a lot of the women who know that I have chosen to get rid of my tv express envy, saying 'oh, I'd get rid of the thing like a shot, but partner would be hell to live with'

Bit of an epic post again - it's all pouring out of me now, the gates have been opened :)

Ah, it's nice to feel 'normal' inside for a change!

laptopwieldingharpy · 21/08/2012 13:38

Oh! On the subject of ILs ...... And MY family too.
Its absolutely not a coincidence that we have chosen expatriation. We could never ever deal with them mayhem.

MadBusLady · 21/08/2012 13:38

I used to have a flatmate who watched breakfast tv! Every morning without fail when I was at my most quiet and edgy BURBLE BURBLE RANDOM BULLSHIT BURBLE BURBLE. Ugh. We don't have a tv now and anythinv we want to see we watch on iPlayer or 4od.

Mind you, I think we are ahead of our time like that. I read some funny person of yoof somewhere on twitter recently saying "TV... Isn't that like YouTube for old people?"

BibiBlocksberg · 21/08/2012 13:54

"TV... Isn't that like YouTube for old people?"

Ha ha ha - love it!

MySweetPrince · 21/08/2012 14:18

Thank-you OP - I too love my times alone. Have always liked my own company - my DM could never understand why, as a child, I could quite happily wander off into the wood with just a book, some pencils and a drawing pad and spend hours there on my own whilst all my brothers and sisters and various friends liked to get together and play battles and generally make a lot of noise and confusion. Now with family of my own I relish the days when both my DD's are out for the day and DH is off to cricket...a whole day "pottering".......bliss!

rubberglove · 21/08/2012 14:21

Yes good idea molepom!

bassetfeet · 21/08/2012 16:52

Wow ! and wow some more
I did not realise that there are so many of us quietly living the same sort of life .
It has empowered me to know now that it isnt abnormal at all .
I always thought it was my fault and lack of personality /coping mechanisms .

Re relationships : have been lucky with my husband . He worked lots on night shift when we were younger so saw each other fleetingly . So was nice when time off coincided .
Re children: Lucky they were young when it was acceptable to let them roam a bit and play out lots. I loved them of course but kind of let them get on with playing with lego etc but with mum time too of course .

Phones are the very devil incarnate . Anyone else ignore them sometimes ? Then feel guilty and ring back ? Not nice I know .

Ah music and books,stillness and silence .........oh ok maybe birdsong [it doesnt jar ].

I am 58 so probably the old bird here . Fatter but no wiser alas .

boredandrestless · 21/08/2012 18:08

"As soon as partner would step in the door the tv would HAVE to be on (like it was some sort of law) and the moaning about his awful day would start, kettle boiling constantly for more tea and general noisy and moody stomping about a tiny house shattering any hope of any sort of peace"

Bibi I have lived with this man too, for 9 years - you described my ex there to a tee! We still have the TV as ds rather likes it Grin but I could happily live without it. Ex used to walk in and if the tv wasn't on he would ask if it was broken! Hmm

I can't imagine living with someone again. They would have to be pretty amazing, and an introvert or very understanding. Smile

boredandrestless · 21/08/2012 18:09

basset I never answer the phone. Unless it someone who has my DS with them at the time (school, ex, child minder). Otherwise I let it go to answer phone.

WerthersUnOriginal · 21/08/2012 18:20

Wow there are people like me after allSmile. I am def an introvert. I crave time alone and prefer just one or two friends to a crowd.

I am climbing the walls for some peace after the school holidays.

We've just moved and it seems everyone wants us to throw some wild party. The mere thought makes me feel ill.

The problem with extroverts I've found is that they cannot conceive that anyone could possibly be happy being the opposite to them.

Lousmart · 21/08/2012 18:36

Grin I'm not the only one then? Brilliant, my company is the best company! I have friends (and my dh) who can't bear to be alone, but I love it. Having a dd aged 5, I don't get much chance, but she's developing a similar personality and loves to spend time on her own playing. There's a lot to be said about enjoying your own company. As I type, dh out for evening, dd is in bed in 25 minutes = bliss Smile

bassetfeet · 21/08/2012 18:40

Huge confession here
I truthfully do not know how to turn the telly on . Three remotes ffs!!
When husband has had to go to hospital or away, he teaches me patiently .But somehow I zone out without meaning to [cos that would be rude for sure ]
Once alone and a bit fretful I trot to the radio ..........

BibiBlocksberg · 21/08/2012 19:21

bassetfeet - Grin @ 'three remotes' and 'trot to the radio'

Literally the minute the last ex was out of the door with his belongings I pegged it down to curry's to buy a stereo and it remains my most prized entertainment item after the cats and MN :)

Then one day I was sitting listening to music and just thought to myself 'that tv is just a big ugly black square in my living space, it has to go'

And so it did - just having the freedom to make that decision was very pleasurable!

Probably helped that the cat had taken to scooting round the back of it to have a sneaky spray and it had been covered in an ugly beige throw for months to prevent a repeat performance.

I do hope the new owner didn't detect any nasty whiffs in the middle of antique's roadshow Grin

KatieScarlett2833 · 21/08/2012 19:34

I would remove our TV's in a heartbeat.

However, I would then have to talk to DS even more than I already do.

So it can stay for now. I can turn on a normal TV but Sky completely defeats me. My brain will not retain the knowledge at all.

WerthersUnOriginal · 21/08/2012 20:14

Thanks to those who have recommended books about this. I think I'm going to read up about it.

I've always felt at odds with myself feeling I should be more sociable, sort of floating mentally outside parties and clubs and ans gatherings. Feeling strange because I feel so unengaged in those situations. It's good to see it as a positive instead of a negative - I'd never thought it to be until now. Maybe at 47 I can make peace with it as a trait. Thank you for this thread Blissful Smile