Dh has no direction.

[BonnieBumble]

I am sick of having to live a second best life due to dh's refusal to think beyond tomorrow. We are going to spend the next 10 years miserable and broke because of dh's pessimistic attitude and refusal to make any changes.

I have so many plans and ideas that could help our family to live a really comfortable relaxing lifestyle, yet dh refuses to even discuss. He burys his head in the sand and even though he admits he is thoroughly miserable he refuses to do anything about it.

This is groundhog day we have been here so many times and I'm not sure I can do this for much longer. He saps all my positivity and i'm
becoming more like him every day.

Can you give an example of how you believe that your lives could be enriched and enhanced if only your dh wasn't reluctant to make any changes to the status quo?

Perhaps you could elaborate on one of your plans that will enable your family to live a really comfortable and relaxing lifestyle?

Can't you implement your ideas yourself?

Do you have children?

Move house. We are living in a property that is too small in a lovely but very expensive area. Dh changed jobs a few years ago and now has a 2 hour commute and pays horrendous travel costs. Dh is constantly in a bad mood and always complaining about the house being too full of toys. You literally cannot swing a cat in our house. We don't have people over because we have no dining space, ds2 shares a room with us, it is far from ideal. Dh wants to stay in the same area and move to a more expensive house in a few years time. Our mortgage is already 4 times our salary, I do not want to increase our costs further. We cannot afford a holiday or to go on days out. Our cooker broke this week and we have to wait until pay day to pay for the repairs. I don't want to live the rest of my life like this.

I want to move to a bigger house in a cheaper but lovely area, closer to dh's work. The house move will mean that we can be sociable as it is big enough to invite people over, we will spend less money on commuting and have a great family lifestyle because of where the house is located. Currently my earnings are minimal because of childcare issues. In two years time our youngest will be at school full time and my earnings won't be eaten up by childcare. I want to start paying into a pension and saving for the future, I want to be able to afford the odd meal out and not go into manic mode when the children have a school trip. If we stay where we are my earnings will just be spent on a mortgage. We will all be equally as stressed and I just don't want this anymore.

I have had this conversation with dh until I am blue in the face. He is not prepared to move because the children are settled. Nothing I say or do can convince him otherwise.

Is that his only arguement for not moving - that the children are settled? As I'm sure you have already told him, children are adaptable, as long as you don't move them too frequently, they will be fine. It is far more important that children have a happy mum and dad, so in that regard, moving them for a better quality of life for you all would probably make them feel more settled.

The area you currently live in - is it where he grew up, does he have family or friends there? What's really keeping him there? The area you want to move to - are their any negatives about moving there? Is he likely to change his job to a different location? Does he enjoy working there? Are the schools good? Do you already know people there, and if not, could you somehow get to know people there, to try to entice him along a bit?

Dh doesn't have any friends anymore. His family are closer to our current home but not round the corner, it definitely isn't his family that are keeping him here.

The schools in the new location are not quite as good as they are here but dh doesn't know that. Dh has no interest in OFSTED reports and has to be forced into reading ds1's school reports.

He feels a house move is too much disruption for ds1. The happy parents argument doesn't work with dh because I don't think he wants to be happy, he is a glass half empty person. He doesn't think I deserve happiness, he hasn't said that but it is pretty obvious. He thinks that ds1 won't be happy with a move. I know that it will be hard at first but he will start new clubs. We will have more space so he can have sleepovers and friends round to play. I will make an effort and join the PTA so I can meet other mums which will help ds1 make friends.

The other concern I have is that if we do move and ds1 has settling in issues, I will get the blame. Anything that isn't perfect is blamed on me. I'm not a pushy enough parent, I don't discipline the children enough, I don't take them anywhere etc. All the good things are down to inheriting dh's genes and his input.

Have you thought about counselling. It doesn't seem to be at the "leave the bastard" point yet ( with what you have posted so far!). However it is obvious that changes need to come from somewhere. Working out what those changes wil be can be done as a couple or if he refuses invdivually, although you seem to have a pretty good plan in your head about how you would like t be living in the future.

You need to work out whether you want to stay exactly as you are for the next x years, or how you can achieve the same plan on your own, as if ultimately your vision as what happy family life is and where it should be is fundementally different this may be something you need to consider.

If he blames all the negative things in your life on you how does that affect your relationship with him?

Are you happy with him? How long have you been together?

How old is your oldest child?

To be honest, it seems as though the house move etc are red herrings. He sounds a very difficult person. You imply that he doesn't have much interest in the children (school reports etc), is he negative towards them in his parenting of them?

Do you think he relishes the long commute to get him out of family time?

I'm sorry if I'm way off the mark here and I don't wish to insult you, it's just the feeling I get from reading your posts.

Sorry but a house move sounds the least of your problems here - it sounds like your rl is unravelling - not wanting you to be happy, putting some possible adjustment your DS would have to make before your life plans, etc sounds like some serious respect and consideration issues.

Bottom line is, is this something you can live with?

Surely better for the children to move sooner than later? Then they can settle and stay in the new place. Would you definitely be able to afford a bigger house in your area in a few years?

Is he concerned that moving closer to his work places too much pressure on him to stay in that job? Does he not recognise the reality of your financial situation and imagine that money will fall from the sky at some point because you 'deserve' to live where you do?

My DP is a bit like this but not as bad, in the sense that I have said to him that I don't believe he wants to be happy. He's more 'muddling along ok' than really pessimistic but it has a lot to do with being scared of the unknown and, I think, of trying and failing. I've had to impress upon him that happy experiences and memories are actively made, most don't just happen and that effort is required but repaid. Also that being moody and negative isn't just his way of being, it actively drags other people down and is a choice. Whereas I am aware of the need to 'manage my own happiness' and do things, both in terms of lifestyle and special occasions, to achieve that.

I think that grumpy people can be very self-pitying and inward looking and would be really surprised to realise that many other people, who appear to have an effortlessly easy, happy life, actually have far worse problems but have actively overcome them.

Whether he cares or not about his own happiness he should about the children's and needs to recognise the impact his attitude will have on them, both inhibiting their enjoyment of childhood in an immediate way and influencing the development of their own characters and expectations.

I can only suggest that you write him a letter explaining how his behaviour makes you feel and why the current situation is untenable for you, then give him some options to help deal wth it, such as counselling, family therapy, parenting cuorses, whatever. No doubt he doesn't think he needs any of this but he needs to understand how miserable he's making you and that you are not willing to live this way, so that he needs to support you in making a better life for the family. He can see this as humouring you, so long as he does it.

It's not just the house that would be cheaper; the travel costs would surely make a big difference, too.

Has he never moved areas? Does he struggle to fit in somewhere new?

I would have thought your children would love a big new house. As long as you're with them and help them make friends, why would they not love a change?

I have to say I really dislike him for "inheriting his genes and his input." Who the hell does he think he is? And if his genes are so great, why doesn't he see more of his family? If his input is marvellous, how come he doesn't want to see school reports?

ah Bonnie I could have written most of your post myself. I'm thoroughly despondent and disheartened. Any change/planning/anything that happens in our family has to be 100% down to me. At the moment I've had enough - I'm thoroughly pissed off with him and wish he would just go.

We live in tiny home too - way too small for us, but unless I do EVERYTHING no change will happen. And I have to do everything while dragging him along too - I'm exhausted with it.

His saving grace is he is great with the kids and participates equally around the house. But his inability to move/develop/deal with finances/plan for future etc is making me increasingly depressed and despondent. I just don't know that it would be any easier on my own. I think making changes would be easier on my own - at least I wouldn't be dragging along a dead weight while doing everything.

Is this enough reason to stay with someone especially when I am increasingly losing respect, love and trust in him? I feel frozen, immobilised. And so we have yet another fucking groundhog day.

Sorry no help to you I know - but I do empathise deeply.

I agree that the house move is a red herring. From your point of view do you think that if you did move would he change? Be less critical? Less miserable?A better parent?
Your reasons for moving what's more ,seem to be based largely on his critiques of you- you will make an "effort" to join the pta, have days out, sleepovers, seems that you areis you agreeing that atm you y dont do enough with the children, when in fact I'm sure you do.
Obviously we only see one side of the story but he is painted as a rather horrible parent- taking credit for any good in your lives and attributing guilt to you for all that is bad.

Thanks for all your comments and input. There is so much more that I could say but don't really know where to start.

Dh is a good parent in lots of ways. When he is at home he is very hands on. He is the one building the Lego models etc and if we are out and about and a nappy change is needed he gets on and does it. They are only small things I know but from witnessing other people I can see that not all fathers are so hands on. Dh isn't lazy, I have to give him credit for that. He isn't interested in the details or the future, doesn't get involved in anything that requires organising or thinking but that hasn't been a problem because I am happy to do it.

I don't think he enjoys the commute, I do think he genuinely wants to spend more time at home which is want makes his attitude all the more frustrating.

I think the poster who said that he is waiting for money to fall out the sky has hit the nail on the head, that is exactly what he is hoping for. He begrudges others good fortune and has accepted that our lives will always be hard.

I have vision and can see another way. I have lost a lot of respect for dh as he is a very difficult person to be around and not very likeable. However a lot of this change in him is down to the stress of our lives and the pressure of struggling to make ends meet. If some of the stress was alleviated we might get back the dh that I married. I'm not a romantic I don't want hearts and flowers. A good enough marriage is enough for me.

Sorry for all the typos.

Sounds like he has some deep down fears.
What things in life does he fear?
Are there things in his own childhood that may be causing his current behaviour.

Should also have said that if we were to split up it would be very difficult financially. There isn't enough equity to buy our own place. We would have to move to a different area so the children would be uprooted anyway. It would probably take about 15 years to reach a comfortable financial position and by then the children would be adults.

Have you thought of looking at the cost of a nice house in the other area - one with distinct advantages over your present house - and working out how much your mortgage would be then compared with now, then costing the travel and presenting it to him as in, "How do you fancy being £X better off each month?"

How much difference do you think it would make, financially?

amillionyears. I think he is just stubborn. His family are very risk averse. However having said that although we haven't discussed this with his family they are always saying that they think we should move.

you poor thing, I am also battling this but not in quite such an extreme way..but a refusal to take reigns of own life to get what want.

It does come down to fear and also his programming from parents.

The only way I can see a way forward is relate but ironically relate costs money alot of us cant spare at the moment.

HOwever if you can go it could be useful as they will say you have a right to want less stres s-why isnt he supportive of this - whats he afraid of -and will go into the whys and wherefors so whatever comes out - your DH may be able to say - ok - so this is why i think this -and get some persepective on his ideas...and perhaps be liberated from them.

I have done that Imperial. I have found an amazing house. The mortgage would be the same but we would save a little on commuting. Initially our savings would be minimal but we would have more for our money and would never have to move again. We can't stay in our current house unless we are happy for ds to share our bedroom in his teenage years!

If we stay here we can probably afford to move in 3 years but we would have to increase our mortgage and move to a not much bigger in a not very nice house in a part of town that dh refuses to even consider.

He looks at houses that are about 10 times
our earnings and when I point out that we would never get a mortgage he shrugs his shoulders and says that we can stay where we are and put a sofa bed in the living room when ds is older. I have pointed out that living in such cramped conditions will mean that the children will be desperate to move out as soon as they are old enough. He grew up in a big house with his own room and a den where he could bring his teenage friends and yet he thinks it is acceptable for his children to sleep on the sofa.

A refusal to discuss or compromise would do my head in. Thats not a partnerships, it's selfish and controlling. I would seriously consider whether I actually wanted a future with a person who refused to respect my concerns.

So, if he absolutely refuses to move, realistically where do you see yourself in 5 years? With him, or on your own with your children?

If he refuses to move I see us still here. Dh will be more bitter and I will be more unhappy.