Dh has no direction.

[BonnieBumble]

I am sick of having to live a second best life due to dh's refusal to think beyond tomorrow. We are going to spend the next 10 years miserable and broke because of dh's pessimistic attitude and refusal to make any changes.

I have so many plans and ideas that could help our family to live a really comfortable relaxing lifestyle, yet dh refuses to even discuss. He burys his head in the sand and even though he admits he is thoroughly miserable he refuses to do anything about it.

This is groundhog day we have been here so many times and I'm not sure I can do this for much longer. He saps all my positivity and i'm
becoming more like him every day.

Is there no cheaper part of town where you live? Does he really love it where you are? Do you think he's just stuck in his ways or like my husband who didn't like change due to his depression?

Meant to say that for us it took at long time to get used to the idea that we were unlikely to ever be able to afford to get a bigger place in our area and that we would either have to move way out, which neither of us wanted to do, or move to a cheaper part of town which is rougher, again which neither of us wanted to do.

In the end we researched all the areas and made short lists and wittled it down based on schools, crime, transport etc. It still wasn't ideal where we chose but it was either that or stay cramped which was driving us crazy.

Obviously i know this is different for you because your h is still in the denial stage.

Poo, yes it was a direct quote, maybe you'd like to scroll through a recent thread you were on to find it.

As I said, the OP wrote about far more than moving house.

And yes, I feel you have been rather an apologist for what to me is clearly overbearing bad behaviour that has been going on for a while. It certainly doesn't read as a one off situation from where I'm sitting.

As for hating, no Poo, I hate no-one. So please refrain from writing this about me across the boards in future.

Whether you have been at the other end of abuse or not it may be an idea for your to read a bit of Lundy, it may enlighten you.

Oh and if you cannot refrain from doing so, I'd rather that be so and help even one woman leave a very unhappy situation than collude in making her stay.

Is he maybe having an affair with someone who lives locally?

Well that's another possibility I hadn't thought of margery, he's certainly very adamant not to move even though its the sensible thing to do.

Maybe ask him straight out.

The other concern I have is that if we do move and ds1 has settling in issues, I will get the blame. Anything that isn't perfect is blamed on me. I'm not a pushy enough parent, I don't discipline the children enough, I don't take them anywhere etc. All the good things are down to inheriting dh's genes and his input.

I have just read your posts, but this stood out.

His reasons not to want to change don't add up to me.

Giving him the benefit of the doubt... It might be that he's exhausted, a bit depressed and can't cope with the thought of moving so this is way of handing the baton to you without losing face?

Or that he is worried about secondary schools - what do you think is best for your dcs?

Or is he just obstructive - does he obstruct you in other ways either by not agreeing to anything or confirming anything and leaving you floundering, or by not co-operating?

"Is he having an affair with someone locally"

Chance would be a fine thing, he barely has time to go to the loo. Definitely not an affair, if he isn't at work he is changing nappies. I think if he was having an affair I would have to applaud him on his time management skills. I honestly have no idea how people with children have the time or the money for anything like that.

So DS1 is year 4 so aged around 9? He'll have to move schools in a couple of years anyway, so you can't ensure a disruption free life if you stay.

How old is the DS2 who is currently sharing a room with you and why can't he share a room with his brother?

The idea that DS1 will spend his adolescence on a sofa bed in the living room is ridiculous. He'll desperately need his privacy and a place to store his possessions, and it's not at all workable. Either you and DS2 will retire early every evening and live your lives in your bedrooms to give him some peace, or he'll be sitting there waiting for you all to go to bed. Yes, that's the reality for some people, living in poverty in cramped accommodation, but if it's a situation you can escape....?

Could you stick it out two years and move when DS is 11 and has to go to a new secondary school anyway?

The happy parents argument doesn't work with dh because I don't think he wants to be happy, he is a glass half empty person. He doesn't think I deserve happiness, he hasn't said that but its obvious. . . Anything that isn't perfect is blamed on me. I'm not a pushy enough parent, I don't discipline the children enough, I don't take them anywhere etc. All the good things are down to inheriting dh's genes and his input.

Gosh! Apart from the moving house issues are you happy with him? Because that sounds hard to live with. Have you pointed out that he gives himself credit for the good stuff and blames you for the bad? Im wondering if he is aware of it at all.

Poo, I was very angry in my first few posts, I do feel like that sometimes but not all of the time.

Dh did actually agree to move today but said he feels it would be a big mistake so I find myself being persuaded to stay. Dh has suggested some different ways of organising the house which might work for the next few years. In terms of the future it would appear that dh is banking on me being able to match his earnings within the next 5 years which would mean that we could comfortably afford a bigger property. I actually want to earn double what he earns, I think dh has managed to unleash a competitive streak from within me! If I don't meet my salary target we will have to have his conversation again a few years down the line.

Also dh has agreed that we will get a tent next year and every 2 years we will take a 4 week road trip across Europe. His work are flexible with extended breaks and I'm self employed and like working when I'm on holiday anyway.

I'm feeling more positive. Have I just caved in or am I right to feel that I should try this?

What are the different ways of organising the house for the next few yours your DH has suggested, and how workable are the suggestions?

And surely, if you stay, he still has that hellish commute? Surely tiredness is contributing to his state of mind?

Moving will reduce travel costs and give you more family time as well as space.

Stick to your guns.

It sounds like you've caved in but he's confusing the issue by talking about earnings which is very much a variable in this climate. Your DS is alread in year 4 and in 5 years time he won't want to move unless it's very near where his friends and school are. Your youngest might have just started secondary too.

Be realistic about what will happen to property prices and what you can realistically get in terms of mortgage in 5 years time. You will have a big house but no time to spend there. Your nanny might be the only person to enjoy it.

And yes, what exactly did you suggest - was it a sofabed again?

Its not wrong if you are genuinely happy about it.

I like that its brought out your competitive side. Is it realistic though? That you will be able to work that much and look after the kids etc. If that's what you wanted anyway then that's fine.

Gah! I meant what exactly did he suggest! Sorry!

I think I was being a tiny bit judgey and critical there OP, but I am genuinely worried that he just wants to get his way regardless of what's best for the family.

Oh I don't know if I have the energy to stick to my guns, I just don't want to fight. If we go I will be forcing dh to go and I just can't be arsed with the tension.

Dh's suggestions include rejigging the layout of the house and letting the children have our room and we move into the box room, not ideal but I think I would find it less stressful than now as the kids plastic tat will be confined to their room and I will be able to reclaim the living room and have a desk.

It would be nice if we were singing from the same hymn sheet but I think we are just too different.

Will you fit in the box room?