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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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Original poster

Dh has no direction.

107 replies

BonnieBumble · 16/08/2012 23:45

I am sick of having to live a second best life due to dh's refusal to think beyond tomorrow. We are going to spend the next 10 years miserable and broke because of dh's pessimistic attitude and refusal to make any changes.

I have so many plans and ideas that could help our family to live a really comfortable relaxing lifestyle, yet dh refuses to even discuss. He burys his head in the sand and even though he admits he is thoroughly miserable he refuses to do anything about it.

This is groundhog day we have been here so many times and I'm not sure I can do this for much longer. He saps all my positivity and i'm
becoming more like him every day.

OP posts:

amillionyears · 17/08/2012 11:41

3 more questions.
How much does status matter to him?
Is he a perfectionist?
Does he have a sepcial affinity to the particular house you are in now?

Pickgo · 17/08/2012 11:47

You could point out that social services would consider a sofa bed in the living room inadequate for a child - and seriously it's not very realistic is it? Where's he supposed to do homework? Where are you supposed to be in the evening when your DS is asleep?

God your DH sounds like hard work and very draining. Think I might be planning a move to rented accom on my own!

Original poster

BonnieBumble · 17/08/2012 11:48

Status - doesn't really matter to him.

Perfectionist - In some ways yes. He doesn't suffer fools.

The house - Ironically the house drives him mad, he hates the lack of space and the amount of upkeep it requires (old property).

His refusal to move boils down to the fact that he doesn't want ds to move schools and clubs etc. Ds is year 4 and a socially gregarious child who would adapt. I can't guarantee that things would work out and dh won't take the risk.

OP posts:

Flisspaps · 17/08/2012 11:50

What does DS think? Would he like his own room, be able to have friends over? Would he mind moving schools?

Original poster

BonnieBumble · 17/08/2012 11:52

Ds wants more space but doesn't want to change schools. He isn't totally against the idea of moving.

OP posts:

areyoutheregoditsmemargaret · 17/08/2012 11:58

Your ds is 4 and as you rightly say will cope with any move! It's absurd to allow that consideration to hold you back. You need some counselling if this can't move on

solidgoldbrass · 17/08/2012 11:59

I think you need to research, in detail, what would happen if you got rid of your H - how much maintenance you would get, what benefits if any, the house split etc. And then consider sitting him down and saying you either move house as a family or you and DC will move without him, because you will not live like this any more. His attitude is unreasonable and unjustifiable, so you need to make sure he either changes it or you get rid of him.

Original poster

BonnieBumble · 17/08/2012 11:59

Sorry he is yr 4 not aged 4.

OP posts:

amillionyears · 17/08/2012 12:03

Sounds like your DH concentrates on the present because he is scared of the future.
Is he like this in his own job,only looking at the present?

Did you DH move around a lot when he was little?

Original poster

BonnieBumble · 17/08/2012 12:05

Is it reasonable of me to give him an ultimatum SGB? We have been here before and I told dh that I wasn't prepared to spend the rest of my life waiting for a windfall and wanted to move. Dh agreed to the move but said that he was moving under duress and if anything went wrong he would hold me 100% responsible. I backed out.

Maybe I do just that. I'm scared that if we move and the children aren't as happy or fail their GCSE's that dh will blame me. I want to move but I want it to be a joint decision.

OP posts:

amillionyears · 17/08/2012 12:09

If he has agreed to the move,I would move.
Sounds to me that,once you move,he wouldnt want to move from the new place either!So make sure you choose well.
You have to deal with now.He looks like he is,but his choicces imo are based around his own particular fears,not based on what would be best for the whole family.And it seems to me,that you know what these are,a whole lot better than he does,because he is a bit blinkered.

fuzzpig · 17/08/2012 12:18

My mum had this issue with my dad. They are finally selling up - dad has no choice now because she is divorcing him. She just couldn't take it any more.

And definitely do not let him make your DS live on a sofa bed in the living room. Unless he actually wants to give his son the message that his comfort and privacy don't matter like the rest of his family's

He sounds really depressed - and I have every sympathy with that as I've been that way for most of my life - but he is being unreasonable and rather selfish not to seek help. When you're on your own you can disappear into your own world but it's just not fair to do that when you have a family.

elizaregina · 17/08/2012 12:21

bonnie

would he consider relate?

solidgoldbrass · 17/08/2012 12:23

Yes, it is reasonable of you to give him an ultimatum and act on it. The family's happiness should not revolve around one selfish, inadequate man.

MakeHayNotStraw · 17/08/2012 12:26

Is he depressed? That can make it very difficult to see the positives in anything, or indeed to summon up the energy for change.

ScarletWomanoftheVillage · 17/08/2012 12:31

How about booking an appointment to go and look at the fantastic house you have seen. then ask DH to give you an hour (or whatever necessary) of his time, you want to show him something.

Perhaps once you have both been round it, he will see the sense in your idea.

Arrange it like a sort of surprise date/

Then if he likes it and gives even a hint of saying yes, why not just say, 'That's great, I'll get ours on the market pronto - D,D,H, thank you for agreeing - you won't regret it.'

ImperialBlether · 17/08/2012 12:32

Where does he think this windfall's going to come from? An inheritance? The Euro Lottery?

Surely, if you moved to the other house, any windfall would still come his way?

Do you think he's basically a spoilt rich boy who thinks he deserves better but hasn't got it in him to make that happen?

ImperialBlether · 17/08/2012 12:32

How much would you save on commuting?

ScarletWomanoftheVillage · 17/08/2012 12:33

Also, we have to live our lives in the present DH, not three years down the line!

albertswearengen · 17/08/2012 12:33

Your dh sounds like mine. We spent 10 years in ahouse I hated because he really doesn't like change much. I was ill and miserable and desperate to move but he just wouldnt consider it.
Eventually after DS was born I said either we moved to somewhere more suitable or I left. In the end he agreed when we found a house in a new area he loved. Once I'd got him over the threshold and he saw how much space etc etc he proved thoroughly enthusiastic. As long as I sorted everything- selling, solicitors, moving he was fine.
In general anything we do is driven by me. He works hard and just wants to chill when he gets home and not think at all.
Good luck!

MissFaversam · 17/08/2012 12:33

Yes, OP I feel it is unltimatum time. After reading this thread there is not one sound reason why you shouldn't move. Your oldest DS is in year 4 for god sake. It sounds to me like it's because it hasn't been "his" idea to be honest.

ScarletWomanoftheVillage · 17/08/2012 12:37

Have you shown him the details of the house you like/

Also, could you print out this thread as it is so far and leave it on his desk, with a post it and an apt message?

Original poster

BonnieBumble · 17/08/2012 12:44

Imperial. No he isn't a spoilt rich boy. Working class background. Everything we have we have worked for.

He has lost his way and probably is depressed but depressed because of the stresses of life rather than a chemical imbalance. I can sympathise with that because I feel the same. AD's can't help our situation but taking positive action can.

The main difference in us is that I am
an optimistic risk taker and he is a pessimistic risk averse type person. It means that it is hard for us to solve difficulties because we approach things in a very different way.

OP posts:

amillionyears · 17/08/2012 12:49

It sounds like even if you did move,you are still hesitating?

Original poster

BonnieBumble · 17/08/2012 12:53

What do you mean amillion years? Hesitating about the move or hesitating about dh?

OP posts:

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