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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Dh has no direction.

107 replies

BonnieBumble · 16/08/2012 23:45

I am sick of having to live a second best life due to dh's refusal to think beyond tomorrow. We are going to spend the next 10 years miserable and broke because of dh's pessimistic attitude and refusal to make any changes.

I have so many plans and ideas that could help our family to live a really comfortable relaxing lifestyle, yet dh refuses to even discuss. He burys his head in the sand and even though he admits he is thoroughly miserable he refuses to do anything about it.

This is groundhog day we have been here so many times and I'm not sure I can do this for much longer. He saps all my positivity and i'm
becoming more like him every day.

OP posts:
Fairenuff · 17/08/2012 12:55

Dh agreed to the move but said that he was moving under duress and if anything went wrong he would hold me 100% responsible

This is passive aggressive, controlling behaviour.

I backed out

It worked.

Original poster
BonnieBumble · 17/08/2012 13:06

A bit of a coincidence but I just opened a card for dh by mistake (we have the same initial) and it was from an old female friend who I had forgotten actually lives in the area where I want to move. I'm thinking I might suggest to dh that we meet up with her and her partner as he hasn't seen her for ages. I remember dh saying that she always raved about the area so it might be worth a try.

OP posts:
AgathaFusty · 17/08/2012 13:22

He really has this all twisted about, doesn't he? So, he is unhappy for your child to change schools (a very normal and common occurence in childhood) to provide a better standard of living/family life, but is perfectly happy for your son to not have a bedroom/live in the living room like a overnight guest (which is an abnormal and undesirable way for a child to live)?

The man needs to catch on to himself!

amillionyears · 17/08/2012 13:35

BB,I dont know if you are hesitating about the move yourself?Hs has said yes,I dont see he will agree all by himself,he needs a push.

So what makes you personally still not do it?
If you are waiting for him,I thing you would have to wait till the kids are all grown up.

Who chose your current house.

Original poster
BonnieBumble · 17/08/2012 13:52

amillionyearsago - it was two years ago he agreed to move not now.

He chose the current location we live in although I didn't take much persuasion as it was somewhere we had always enjoyed visiting. The house was chosen by default it was the only one we could afford. Neither of us were that taken with it really.

OP posts:
amillionyears · 17/08/2012 14:00

ah,I didnt realise it was 2 years ago that he had agreed to move.
Might be a good idea for you both to meet up with the friend.

PooPooOnMars · 17/08/2012 14:08

Sorry have only read page one but from what you said it doesn't sound like the problem is that your dh "has no direction" but more that you're annoyed his choice of direction isn't the same as yours.

The lack of space clearly is acceptable to him, even if it isn't to you. You can't force him to have the same opinions as you, and he is not wrong because he does not agree with you.

Original poster
BonnieBumble · 17/08/2012 14:23

What I mean by lack of direction poo, is that he makes no plans, I appreciate that everyone is different but it is frustrating because I know that he would be happier if we lived a different way.

The lack of space is also an issue for him as he never stops bloody moaning about it!

OP posts:
amillionyears · 17/08/2012 14:27

would he go so far as to have a look inside a few houses of your choice in your chosen area?

amillionyears · 17/08/2012 14:28

and perhaps take your DS1 with you, so hopefully DS1 would ooh and aah about the new house while your DH is there to witness it?

MissFaversam · 17/08/2012 14:28

Maybe you should read the "whole thread" here poo. There's far more to the case than the OP just being annoyed that his choice isnt the same as hers.

PooPooOnMars · 17/08/2012 14:49

I did read the whole thread straight afterwards and it didn't change my opinion. But hello there miss i have confessed to hating men faversham.

PooPooOnMars · 17/08/2012 14:50

op. You say you know he would be happier, but are you really sure? It does sound a little controlling. Only he can say what would make him happy. You can't decide for him like he's a child.

My dh and i had a similar problem re space and cost etc. Luckily we both realised we needed to move so compromised on the areas we were both happy with. We could have got a huge house if we had moved 2 hours out but chose to stay closer to our area and get a smaller house which still gave us more space then we had before. Perhaps he would be happier with that? Not as drastic.

It does sound as though he might be depressed. Has he always been like this. My dh used to hate change and it turned out it was a symptom of his depression.

PooPooOnMars · 17/08/2012 14:53

Also meant to say that it can be a very difficult decision to make. Im guessing you're planning on moving out somewhere more rural? So it would be a lifestyle change? Correct me if i am wrong. So perhaps that just isn't something that would suit him.

MissFaversam · 17/08/2012 14:56

I've confessed to disliking hating most not all, get it right poo Grin I've also had 50 years to come to this conclusion too. I'm getting rather worried about you now poo to be honest. Why be so rigid about fighting another genders corner to the point of getting rather nasty?

fiventhree · 17/08/2012 15:05

His commute is his issue and his choice. I would keep out of it.

He is mierable- that is his issue to solve or not.

If you want to move you need to identify why from your own pOV only eg socialising.

So what are your issues?

-you want more space at home
-you want to have your views taken into account in the relationship
-you want more JOINT disposable income

  • you want your husband to take your views into account and not expect to be the only person with the ultimate decision making power.

The issue here is about power and fairness in the relationship and compromise.

Original poster
BonnieBumble · 17/08/2012 16:29

Poo, it isn't the area that dh has a problem with, he said if I had suggested the move before ds started school he would have agreed to it.

OP posts:
amillionyears · 17/08/2012 16:42

How many schools did your DH go to?

Original poster
BonnieBumble · 17/08/2012 16:50

amillionyears - he didn't change schools. He had no problems at school. There is no underlying problem.

OP posts:
Lancelottie · 17/08/2012 16:57

Well, if staying where you are is his choice, then HE needs to take full responsibility for the problems it's currently causing, not grumble about them all the time.

And HE needs to take responsibility for imaginative solutions to the current problems of no space. So what does he intend to do about it, huh? Huh?

amillionyears · 17/08/2012 16:58

What I sort of mean is,if he didnt change schools,he felt nice and secure presumably,so may think it is an awful thing for his son to have to change schools iyswim

janelikesjam · 17/08/2012 18:11

Maybe some people's brains and anxieties and fears are kind of "set" that way, and they can't help it? However, I think it can very draining to be around - when it becomes real negativity. I think negativity can be hard to live with. You sound like you have a positive vision which I think you should go for, one way or another, good luck.

PooPooOnMars · 17/08/2012 23:15

Would he agree to a move which wasn't so far?

Does he particularly like the area you live in for some reason? Or is it just the idea of your son changing school he doesn't like?

I would imagine it would be hard to get to the truth because he might not know the real reason himself.

PooPooOnMars · 17/08/2012 23:24

MissFaversam I'm getting rather worried about you now poo to be honest. Why be so rigid about fighting another genders corner to the point of getting rather nasty?

I believe everyone should be treated as equals rather than the "them and us" stance you seem to take. Its not being rigid believing men should be treated with as much respect as women and I don't generalize about or demonise one gender.

I also think it is strange for someone who is aware that they hate most men to be giving advice in relationships. How is that advice ever going to be balanced and not following your own huge agenda? How is that ever going to be helpful to an op? I would suggest counselling to help with your issues but you clearly wouldn't be open to that.

Original poster
BonnieBumble · 17/08/2012 23:36

PooPoo - He would agree to a move within the same town but we can't afford that.

I don't think distance is the issue or the area. It's down to schools and resistance to change. I'm going to have a think about the right approach to take, there is no rush but if we are going to move I think it should be within the next year.

OP posts: