To stop making my OH an evening meal even though he works 60hour weeks and I'm a SAHM ?

[ladywithnomanors]

I don't think I am.
I'm a SAHM to a 2, 4 and 6 yo DC's. He often works 60 hour weeks and sometimes 7 days a week. I do everything in the house and with the DC's - except he cuts the back lawn and occasionally puts the bins out.
I cook him a meal every night for when he gets home from work - often a different meal to what I cook for the DC's as he doesn't consider pasta, jacket potatoes, shepherd's pie to be a proper meal ie. it doesn't consist of a huge chunk of meat.
Whatever I serve up he criticises it. I made a curry it was 'flavourless' even though he specified which curry powder to use. I make a roast chicken and it's 'dry' or the potatoes are hard. Apparently my rice is mushy and my meat 'overcooked'. He comes in at night, waliks into the kitchen and wrinkles his nose at the pans bubbling on the stove, ' Mmm what delights do we have tonight??' he says in a sarcastic tone.

Ok I'm not the worlds best cook but I'm not the worst either and I do try. He says I don't as I'm not serving up Masterchef cuisine every night. He very occasionally will say he enjoyed something.

This morning I mentioned that we had sausages in the fridge and so would do the DC's sausage, mash and veg for tea and did he want some making. He response was that he didn't as he used to like sausages until I made them for him and now the thought of them make him retch. I told him that if that was his attitude then I wasn't going to cook for him anymore as he was ungrateful and picky.
I should point out that he is a fantastic cook but hardly cooks as he works so much.

So AIBU to stop cooking and just let him fend for himself and get his own tea when he gets in from work?

OP the more you write the more I'm horrified by your situation. It just isn't right.

Please get help (friends? Family?). There have been moments in your posts where you have shown us how clever, strong and funny you are. You are clearly a great person and you could be having a much much better life.

The idea of having to sell your DCs old clothes in order to by something for yourself is horrific. Especially as your household is not poor. That man is ensuring you (just you, not him) go without. I'm sure you can see how outrageous that is.

It does sound bad.

Think about the financial side of it - he's advancing his own career, building up his own business, presumably putting savings away in his own name. He owns the house.

You have nothing, no property or savings, no rights or access to any money other than the CB (which you're expected to spend paying the council tax on his house), diminishing earning potential (I would guess) the longer you're out of work, and you have to ebay your stuff if you want to buy something for your children.

It's not right, and you must know it.

I think it's high time this shit got a taste of his own medicine....
Step 1 lovingly heat up a tin of dog food. Serves 1 him.
Step 2 the next day a chicken dish. Use out of date chicken. Let's see if the fucker has an appetite for
Step 3 fish. Again use stuff that's past it's use by date.
Repeat until the fucker gets the message, and even better, moves out.
Hooray.

Yes, he is that bad, lady. He's an abuser. Your partner is abusing you emotionally and financially.

Like others say, you need an escape plan. It's up to you when/if you use it. Someone from WA will help you make this plan. Please contact WA asap.

If my DH was critical and rude to me like yours is over my cooking, he'd be wearing it. Then he'd have a tin of baked beans thrown at him with the words "cook it yourself then."

He sounds like an over bearing bully who is looking for another excuse to put you down.

I agree, this is most definitely abuse. The media image of an abused woman is more often than not someone who suffers physical violence but this is actually the least effective way of controlling your partner - the other forms are emotional, sexual and financial, out of which emotional abuse is the most powerful way of control. You are being emotionally and financially abused. You have little access to money of your own and this is completely outrageous.

*Although he does do that annoying thing of talking about me to them when I'm there. For example - he'll point at a pic of a gorilla in a book and say ' oo look Mummy!' and they'll all laugh. Or if I do something wrong he'll say ' lets get a new Mummy what do you say kids?'.
Yes it's just a joke but not one I think should be made in front of the DC's. My son always says 'No I don't want a new Mummy I love the one I've got.' *

A joke!!! Who's laughing?

If your best mate told you this was how her partner treated her what would you say?

Food isn't the problem here.

Don't cook separate meals - save some of whatever the rest of you are having for supper (and add a sprig of parsely!!!)

Thanks for everyone's advice. I need to think. I don't actually think he's got loads of money hidden away as his business is probably breaking even and he has credit card and loans. I can't see me getting anything other than child maintainence if I left. My one big worry is that there are no houses/flats to rent in my area ( i've checked) and as I don't drive I would have to take my son out of school and lose touch with my friends. My family live at the other side of the country.

I've been getting more and more anxious the more posts I've read from you OP. This isn't about food. He is emotionally abusing you. He is financially abusing you. He is using bullying tactics to control you. Please go back and read solidgoldbrass post a couple of pages back. She is right.

Then you need to make a plan. And you need to get you and your children out.

Cook for him? I'd bloody throw it at him.

The financial thing seems the most worrying. And the thing that really does expose the controlling behaviour. I would have thought you use CB to buy clothes and things for the children - even food, but having to use it to pay CT? Whose idea was that and how was it put to you?

Nickel - he pays for the bills - except CT , food and my mobile (this was an Xmas present which his has recently threatened to cut off as I've 'had my money's worth).
I pay the council tax with my Child Benefit. If I need new clothes I Ebay something as I don't like asking for money. If I want to get the children something I ebay something else.

control
control
control.

OP , I am a SAHM. My DH and I have separate accounts but we regard everything as family money. I know to the penny how much he earns and how much we can spend after bills have come out. All Tax credits and CB come to me directly and my DH is an open book when it comes to money. (we are about to get a joint account, we've just been lazy!).

He is kind, respectful and says thank you for whatever food I put in front of him
( usually what the kids and I have had).

That's the kind of treatment you should be enjoying.

Your fiance has:

kept your engagement ring and is refusing to give it back
belittles you in front of your children
Ensures you have no money and are in poverty whilst he has total financial control over you
Is secretive about the household income.
Does not buy clothes for his own children
makes you pay bills out of the child benefit
is threatening to stop you having mobile phone access to other people.

ALARM BELLS!

MN is the right place to be when you need good advice from strong women. Please keep us posted as to how you get on, but please leave as it looks like this is just the beginning.

Thinking about it, my Dad shows shades of this. Mealtimes with him would be awful because you never knew whether he was going to complain and mum was always on edge. Bullying behaviour and not pleasant to live with at all. No matter how hard you tried to please it would never be enough.

Depending on where you live there are lots of support networks that can help with housing, etc. You can access them through Women's Aid. And if you go to your local Job Centre they should be able to tell you exactly what financial support you are entitled to. Victim Support is also a useful place to check out. You aren't the only one going through this kind of horrible situation, so you won't be short of people to talk to. The most important thing for you is to get your independence back because it sounds like you've totally lost it, and, from the way he's treating you, your confidence could plummet without you even knowing it.

His complaints about food are just the tip of the iceberg. He is financially and emotionally abusing you - and encouraging your children to take part in the verbal abuse.

It is that bad.

CB is meant to be for the children, and it was set up to be paid to the main care precisely so that the children could be provided for when money was being withheld by the main earner.

You need advice (shelter ? Women's aid ? Cab? Housing office? ) and a plan, and a way to build up some emergency funds - he sounds as though he has the potential to turn even more nasty.

As others have said, dinner really isn't the issue. Why doesn't he pay council tax too? CB would be so useful to you.
Also, you said that you would have to take your son out of school; if your family would be supportive and willing to help you, would you consider relocating? Children are (usually) far more resilient than we expect.
I hope you are able to find a way to resolve this situation.

I'm usually at work or commuting from 6am to 10pm, although not this month, and I'm pathetically happy to have a meal made for me when I get in. Inevitably there are some things I don't like - never the whole meal, but maybe a vegetable that I haven't tried before - as nobody likes every single food. I just tell my wife I'm not very keen on that, and she's fine with it. Similarly, sometimes I ask her if I can have it with, for example, a bit less salt next time.

If I came close to saying anything that the OP's partner said, I think I'd find the knife and fork shoved up my bum.

But obviously that's just the tip of the iceberg here. I'm glad he's being a dick about the food, as it seems to have given the OP the impetus to post and hopefully get advice about far more sinister abuse.

i work 6 days a week.
i earn no money (self-employed and all of the income goes towards the business's bills, so there's nothing left for me at the end)

I have some savings.
DH earns a wage.
he pays for everything^ except my mobile phone bill.
we also get CB and CTC, which pay for extras for DD and stuff for the car. they're counted as joint expenses.
they go in the joint account.
If I want to buy clothes, I can either use birthday/christmas money or some from the joint account (mainly because I use the excuse that DD has changed my body shape! )

Point being - I don't have an income, so DH pays for the household stuff.
everything, even though it was a lot cheaper to live before I came along.

BTW - if he's taken your engagement ring, which he gave to you as a promise to marry you, he's basically told you that he doesn't want to marry you.
(it's a token to seal a contract)

Hi OP threads like yours show me what kind of life I would be living if I were still with my Ex. I was completely under his spell and left when he got a lover and kicked me out. I will not be surprised if OW appears soon with this 60 hours a week work thing and 'no money'. He doesn't love you and he never will, you need to get out before he destroys you. I was crushed and it has been nearly 8 years ago, a new husband and a child later and I'm still not 100%
Cured. You need to get out. Please do it.

OP this is horrible. You poor thing :(

Esp the sudden realisation that this is not normal or ok - universal MN response all saying YANBU and, further, that your partner is an utter git.

Nickel - I've asked for the ring back several times but he says I can't have it back until I've earnt it. Meaning I can have it back when I start having sex with him regularly again .

What an arse.

How about asking the mods to move this to Relationships?

Yanbu. He can cook for himself if he's going to be so rude about what you put the effort in to make for him. He can grow up and eat the same meal as you and the kids, he's no different in nutritional needs. If he believes you can't cook then why does he even want you to cook!