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Original poster

To stop making my OH an evening meal even though he works 60hour weeks and I'm a SAHM ?

326 replies

ladywithnomanors · 15/08/2012 13:02

I don't think I am.
I'm a SAHM to a 2, 4 and 6 yo DC's. He often works 60 hour weeks and sometimes 7 days a week. I do everything in the house and with the DC's - except he cuts the back lawn and occasionally puts the bins out.
I cook him a meal every night for when he gets home from work - often a different meal to what I cook for the DC's as he doesn't consider pasta, jacket potatoes, shepherd's pie to be a proper meal ie. it doesn't consist of a huge chunk of meat.
Whatever I serve up he criticises it. I made a curry it was 'flavourless' even though he specified which curry powder to use. I make a roast chicken and it's 'dry' or the potatoes are hard. Apparently my rice is mushy and my meat 'overcooked'. He comes in at night, waliks into the kitchen and wrinkles his nose at the pans bubbling on the stove, ' Mmm what delights do we have tonight??' he says in a sarcastic tone.

Ok I'm not the worlds best cook but I'm not the worst either and I do try. He says I don't as I'm not serving up Masterchef cuisine every night. He very occasionally will say he enjoyed something.

This morning I mentioned that we had sausages in the fridge and so would do the DC's sausage, mash and veg for tea and did he want some making. He response was that he didn't as he used to like sausages until I made them for him and now the thought of them make him retch. I told him that if that was his attitude then I wasn't going to cook for him anymore as he was ungrateful and picky.
I should point out that he is a fantastic cook but hardly cooks as he works so much.

So AIBU to stop cooking and just let him fend for himself and get his own tea when he gets in from work?

OP posts:
shrodingerscat · 15/08/2012 15:38

Right, OP, don't want to sound harsh, your situation sounds awful, but if your DH learned this behaviour from his own father, do you want your own DS to learn this behaviour, or your DD (if you have one) to think it's ok to be spoken to like this? If not, you really need to get rid.

Do you have any family or friends who can help you?

bubalou · 15/08/2012 15:38

The more I read the more Angry I get. You shouldn't have to put up with this!!!! It's complete and utter bollocks - all of it!!!

Agree with my fellow comrades on here - he sounds like a twat.

(secretly planning a group of pitch fork wielding Mums netters to go and stick it to him)

I hope this situation is sorted out soon. x

TwelveLeggedWalk · 15/08/2012 15:43

Jaysus. I take back my previous post, this isn't just about pulling him up on rudeness, this us about finding a solicitor and getting the he'll out of this relationship as soon as possible.

Good luck OP, you seem to be made of pretty stern stuff, but you need to break this off before this pattern of behaviour gets embedded in YOUR children also.

TwelveLeggedWalk · 15/08/2012 15:44

The hell out...
Sodding autocorrect

Ephiny · 15/08/2012 15:47

OK, so this is about a lot more than who cooks what for dinner. I'm sure your cooking is fine.

The biggest concern for me is the financial situation you're in. It's appalling that you'd have to sell your belongings if you want to buy something for the children, when presumably (with the hours he's working) he earns a good salary. Have you had to spend your savings on essential expenses while he's holding back money for himself? Why don't you have access to the family income? Do you want to go back to work, and if so would it be do-able (with childcare etc?).

The little comments and 'jokes' sound awful, that sort of thing can really wear down your self-esteem, and destroy any affection you might have felt for the person doing it. Nasty, bullying behaviour.

Wigglewoo · 15/08/2012 15:48

I am a sahm. We have two joint accounts. One household and one spending. All money goes into household and we transfer a set amount to spending and halve it (mentally) and spend how we wish. Dc's stuff and clothes / toys / birthdays are included in household. Our spending money is for his new £200 tattoo (!) Or my 200th latte in star bucks... Ie silly stuff. I'd hate not knowing how much money we had etc. I simply wouldn't live with it.

As for food I cook for us all, I decide what we have and I cook it. If he doesn't like it he'll just do something else. No big deal. I'm too busy for him to be fussy and thank god he's grateful and pleased with whatever he gets!!!

nickelcognito · 15/08/2012 15:56

I just don't understand how he expects you to pay any bills at all when he's the only one earning money!

the Child benefit is for the children, not for the council tax!

and food should come out of his wages too!

Zhx3 · 15/08/2012 15:56

I am so sorry to hear about the way your h is treating you. He sounds appalling, and has no right to treat you like that. He reminds me of someone I know, down to the constant belittling of everything (even if you "improved" one thing, he would start on another - it's about control, not about whatever he's moaning about at the time), and the trying to turn the children against you.

Many wise MNers have recommended Why Does He Do That? by Lundy Bancroft in similar cases.

hiddenhome · 15/08/2012 16:00

I fed my ex partner dog food stew.......before I kicked him out Wink

I know you might not be in a good position financially, but you really should get away from someone who compares you to a gorilla and encourages the dcs to laugh at you Sad That's emotionally abusive, not only to you, but the dcs as well.

If my dh did any of this stuff to me he'd have to wave bye bye to his balls.

WhereYouLeftIt · 15/08/2012 16:02

You have no personal income, therefore you should not be expected to meet any family costs. Child Benefit is what it says on the tin, it's for the benefit of the children - for food, clothing, toys etc. And it was introduced precisely because men like your husband exist, IIRC. Men whose wages belong to them, and them only. Who spend it on themselves, and let the family go hang Angry.

Things need to change OP. This is not the way it is meant to be. You're getting some excellent advice here from people who have experiences of this kind of situation and what can be done about it, please take their advice.

Original poster
ladywithnomanors · 15/08/2012 16:03

Nickel - i worded my answer wrongly sorry he pays for bills, food and my mobile.

OP posts:
Bumblebee333 · 15/08/2012 16:04

Sorry I wrote that without realising there was another 7 pages.

NapaCab · 15/08/2012 16:04

Tell him to get a takeaway since your cooking is so awful or else that he should cook his own dinners for the week on the weekends and freeze them.

I am SAHM at the moment (1 baby DS) and my DS works more than 60 hours a week and travels a lot for work but he would never criticize what I cook and, most of the time, we try to still cook together because he enjoys it, even if he gets in at 8 or 9pm. We just eat later in the evening.

NapaCab · 15/08/2012 16:06

Oh, I'm sorry. I posted without reading the whole thread. I'm not surprised to learn that there's more to your DH's behaviour than not liking your cooking. He sounds like he needs a good, swift kick up the arse Angry

Original poster
ladywithnomanors · 15/08/2012 16:07

Sad I didn't realise he was that bad Sad

OP posts:
Musomathsci · 15/08/2012 16:09

He is being a complete arsehole and I would think some sort of food strike is definitely in order until he apologises and gets real.

Refusing to cook for him is not really going to help things in the long run is it? I suspect that the food issue is only one part of what is really going on here. Can you talk to him calmly, maybe over a weekend and explain how hurtful his remarks are?

I would suggest no more special meals for him - it's never a good idea to start cooking different meals for family members anyway, thin end of the wedge. He either heats up a plateful of whatever the rest of you have eaten, or cooks something else from scratch (maybe a batch so that you can all eat some the next day?!) I think your responsibility ends with making sure there is food in the house - whether he chooses to eat / cook it is up to him.

LemarchandsBox · 15/08/2012 16:15

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Thistledew · 15/08/2012 16:15

He is that bad. He knows that it is upsetting to be critical and to make snide remarks to someone. He chooses not to do it to everyone else that he meets, and he chooses to do it to you.

He chooses to keep you dependent upon him financially, and to keep you short of money.

You said you had depression? I'm not bloody surprised. I think anyone would be depressed living with a mean, unpleasant, abusive man like him. I would bet my bottom dollar that your depression was a perfectly normal reaction to the situation you were in - although I would also bet that he used it as 'proof' that there was something wrong with you, that you were the difficult one to live with, didn't he?

WhereYouLeftIt · 15/08/2012 16:18

ladywithnomanors, you've been acclimatised (by him) to accept his behaviour as normal/just the way it is. His mother apparently accepts it too.

But it's not normal. It is bad. He is that bad.

SO, what do you want to do? How do you want your life to be? And what steps do you think you can start taking to make it so?

Baskets45 · 15/08/2012 16:18

Of course it's sad, and scary, lady. But people are only interperting from what you have posted. Having now read the whole thread, I think you should see a solicitor (you can get one free initial session I think) and Women's Aid to get a clear picture of your financial situation should you decide to leave this relationship. Is there any way you can start putting away a small amount of cash, just so you have something other than what's in your purse if things get worse suddenly and you feel you need to leave. Is there any way you can politley ask him to set up a standing order for CT, so then the Ch Ben money can be used otherwise?

ImperialBlether · 15/08/2012 16:18

OK, I think you need to be very careful here. How long would it take you to update your training? How much would it cost? Would you need childcare whilst you did it?

In your position my goal would be to leave. I'd have it as a short term goal, the shorter the better.

You can't save up while you're with him. He must have loads in the bank, having kept you so short.

How do you get on with your family? Do they live nearby? Is there anyone you could go to stay with?

You must know a life like this is awful. Dreadful. He's absolutely horrible.

Please, go to a solicitor and ask for advice.

CockyPants · 15/08/2012 16:19

He is a bully. This is abuse. Trying to incite the kids into bullying you...what a charmer he is not.
I would leave him. You can do better. Oh, and don't forget to contact the CSA.

Paiviaso · 15/08/2012 16:19

OP, I'm afraid I have to agree with the others that your DP is abusive. I can't believe that you do not share finances, and that you have to sell things to get money to buy necessities for yourself and the children. I can't believe he threatens to cut off your phone. I can't believe that he calls you ugly and all the other emotional abusive crap he spouts.

These things are very much not normal.

Rubirosa · 15/08/2012 16:20

He's verbally and financially abusing you.

He's also trying to make your children complicit in his abuse.

You need an escape plan.

Baskets45 · 15/08/2012 16:21

I meant to ask> How is your depression now?