To stop making my OH an evening meal even though he works 60hour weeks and I'm a SAHM ?

[ladywithnomanors]

I don't think I am.
I'm a SAHM to a 2, 4 and 6 yo DC's. He often works 60 hour weeks and sometimes 7 days a week. I do everything in the house and with the DC's - except he cuts the back lawn and occasionally puts the bins out.
I cook him a meal every night for when he gets home from work - often a different meal to what I cook for the DC's as he doesn't consider pasta, jacket potatoes, shepherd's pie to be a proper meal ie. it doesn't consist of a huge chunk of meat.
Whatever I serve up he criticises it. I made a curry it was 'flavourless' even though he specified which curry powder to use. I make a roast chicken and it's 'dry' or the potatoes are hard. Apparently my rice is mushy and my meat 'overcooked'. He comes in at night, waliks into the kitchen and wrinkles his nose at the pans bubbling on the stove, ' Mmm what delights do we have tonight??' he says in a sarcastic tone.

Ok I'm not the worlds best cook but I'm not the worst either and I do try. He says I don't as I'm not serving up Masterchef cuisine every night. He very occasionally will say he enjoyed something.

This morning I mentioned that we had sausages in the fridge and so would do the DC's sausage, mash and veg for tea and did he want some making. He response was that he didn't as he used to like sausages until I made them for him and now the thought of them make him retch. I told him that if that was his attitude then I wasn't going to cook for him anymore as he was ungrateful and picky.
I should point out that he is a fantastic cook but hardly cooks as he works so much.

So AIBU to stop cooking and just let him fend for himself and get his own tea when he gets in from work?

How do I do that Badlad?

IF he is this picky, I would stop. My betting is he will soon come round and accept what you cook!

lady

I am about the engagement ring. What a controlling entitled arse he is. He really has no respect for you at all.

Please please ring Women's Aid.

I agree with BadLad move this to Relationships.

you can't have your engagement ring back until you've had sex with him?

you've got to earn it?
it's rightfully yours - he shouldn't be demanding anything for it, never mind something that should be freely given!
does he believe he's in the 15th century?

no,really, it's not right to do that - that's actually blackmail.

He's treating it as a bargaining tool at best, and trying to force you into sex at next best.

If you report your post - click on Report in the top bar on the right hand side. In the comments box ask Mumsnet to move the thread to Relationships.

I'll do the same.

I don't know - maybe report my post suggesting it, to get the mods to see the thread.

The posters there seem to have plenty of advice on what people in abusive relationships (sorry if I seem rude, but that's what yours is) can do about it. There are plenty of other tales of financial abuse there.

I am sorry you are going through this.

lady - i'm sorry you're going through this.
:(

it must feel very dizzy in your head at the moment.

Please keep posting for support, though, you need all the support you can.

and think overnight long and hard about your relationship.
It isn't normal and he's abusing you.
:(

Lady using sex as a weapon is fucking sick!! Have you hunted for the ring? I would want to pawn it for cash.

He's hidden it so it could be anywhere. I don't think he gave it to me for the right reasons in the first place. God I could honestly go on for hours about things. There are so many things.

Keep digging OP. The more you talk the more you understand the whole situation and gets stronger. We are here to help.

Keep digging OP. The more you talk the more you understand the whole situation and gets stronger. We are here to help.

You have to earn your engagement ring by having regular sex with him? That's treating you like a prostitute. Really, OP, your P is an absolute horror of a human being. Even if you don't do anything drastic immediately, please start taking steps, even small ones, to get away from this fucking animal. Please follow all the good advice on here and contact a solicitor/CAB/WomensAid.

Lady do you want to leave him?

OP, can you say roughly where in the country you are? Completely understand if you don't want to say. Just thinking that one of us might be close enough to provide practical help or a listening ear or summat because what you've got going on there sounds intolerable and I think you need help to see a way out.

I am at the 'earning back' your engagement ring thing. WTF?

This situation sounds worse all the time. You know this isn't normal or acceptable, don't you?

Jesus fucking wept OP.

Leave the bastard. Go to your family, just go with whatever you put into a bag tomorrow when he goes off to work his 10 hour shift. Possessions can be replaced.

After everything that's been said on here - yes. If it doesn't get any better. I think I've just got used to it tbh. It seems almost normal. I'm still doubting my own judgement on it all though. I don't want to split a family up if it sounds worse than it is dykwim? I'm going to be watching and listening now to everything he does/says.

if there is more, then you might find it cathartic to write it all out.

do it as if you were a 3rd party, looking at your relationship from the outside.

and please, please, please, hide your internet browsing history.
and tell a RL friend everything. one that might be able to put you up (you'll need that if/when you leave him)
If you can, start as soon as you can by taking all of your important documents (birth certificates, passports, car documents, bank accounts etc) to that friend's house.

I was in a similar situation lady with ex-h. I played the long-term game of getting myself back to work, got promoted, went for counselling to be able to tell him I wanted to leave. It took 3 years. But i am a long time free and happy now. I wish I'd had MN for support.

Listen to these people. They're right. In many way, though i'm very happy now and know my new life with three new DS and a wonderful DH wouldn't have happened, i wish I'd known it was abuse and I'd got advice from WA and CAB as I would have left earlier. That man made me see and feel things I wish I never had though it does mean I appreciate everything life is now and my DS1 has to watch him do the same to his new S-Sis

It isn't as easy as that Wilson. I have nowhere to go and no money. My sister lives miles away with her and her husband and 5 DC's. My Mum is just toxic and lives with her fella and no room for us.
He isn't physically abusive so I have time to make a plan that will affect the DC's a little as possible.

He's a complete and utter asshole.

Get rid (I would).

Or he can just make his own dinner/get a takeaway.
AND
You should talk to him about his 'jokes' because they are offensive, not funny and just inappropriate in so many ways.

TBH it sounds like you have much bigger issues here than whether you cook dinner for him or not. It comes down to basic respect and it sounds like you guys need to clear the air. Is he resentful because he is working long hours where as you are (as he sees it) "home all day"? Does he have low blood sugar/irritability/tiredness issues related to the extremely long hours + stress? Are there other things feeding into what is happening here in these interactions?

If you continue as you are you will both end up bitter! A little communication will go a long way here. If you both agree that it suits your situation for him to continue working and for you to stay at home (and cook meals) then he needs to stop being disrespectful. It is hurtful and not helpful. You can take suggestions and maybe requests, but they need to acknowledge that you are not sitting at home doing nothing all day and that you are his wife and mother of his children, not personal slave/housekeeper/chef.

OP i know that this thread has probably been a massive eye opener for you amd taking on board all of these opinions must be rather overwhelming.

Try and think of it from outside - if your sister, your best friend, heaven forbid one day your daughter came to you with the above problems, in total and complete honesty, how would you respond? And would you do what it takes to help? Maybe now is the time to enlist the support of close friends and family members?

You need to find out as much as possoble about your husbands finances. Look, double check, copy everything you find. If you dont already have one, open an account in a bew bank in only your name. into this, put every spare penny you have, and any money you can raise. As a pp said, contact womans aid and a solicitor. Id suggest asking a friend if you can store all the financial info.and passposrts birth certs at theirs.

Self preservation is critical.

OP, I know you are afraid of splitting your family up, but if you stay with this man his behaviour will be a blueprint for your kids and they will grow up thinking his behaviour is OK. He will encourage them to lose respect for you, the way he has.

This is not a family, this is a woman and two kids living with a controlling brute.

A family can also mean a happy single mother raising her beloved children away from harmful and toxic relationships.

Who is he to tell that you haven't "earnt" something? Who is he to expect sex in exchange for a piece of jewellery? Who is he to say you've "used up enough" of your mobile phone and he may not pay for it anymore?

He will keep doing things like this until you no longer see it as wrong. please escape before you get to that point- you are nearly there already.

Please listen to these kind people on here.

If you're planning to hang in there for a while with the abuser, then consider marrying him. Then divorce his arse and take half the proceeds from the house sale.

More realistically, you should sit down and work out what sort of exit is financially possible for you.

The longer you stay in the house with him, the more he poisons the children into seeing you as a joke and a servant (an incompetent once, at that, as he puts it). He'll still try that once you split, but you'll have the freedom to respond.