To stop making my OH an evening meal even though he works 60hour weeks and I'm a SAHM ?

[ladywithnomanors]

I don't think I am.
I'm a SAHM to a 2, 4 and 6 yo DC's. He often works 60 hour weeks and sometimes 7 days a week. I do everything in the house and with the DC's - except he cuts the back lawn and occasionally puts the bins out.
I cook him a meal every night for when he gets home from work - often a different meal to what I cook for the DC's as he doesn't consider pasta, jacket potatoes, shepherd's pie to be a proper meal ie. it doesn't consist of a huge chunk of meat.
Whatever I serve up he criticises it. I made a curry it was 'flavourless' even though he specified which curry powder to use. I make a roast chicken and it's 'dry' or the potatoes are hard. Apparently my rice is mushy and my meat 'overcooked'. He comes in at night, waliks into the kitchen and wrinkles his nose at the pans bubbling on the stove, ' Mmm what delights do we have tonight??' he says in a sarcastic tone.

Ok I'm not the worlds best cook but I'm not the worst either and I do try. He says I don't as I'm not serving up Masterchef cuisine every night. He very occasionally will say he enjoyed something.

This morning I mentioned that we had sausages in the fridge and so would do the DC's sausage, mash and veg for tea and did he want some making. He response was that he didn't as he used to like sausages until I made them for him and now the thought of them make him retch. I told him that if that was his attitude then I wasn't going to cook for him anymore as he was ungrateful and picky.
I should point out that he is a fantastic cook but hardly cooks as he works so much.

So AIBU to stop cooking and just let him fend for himself and get his own tea when he gets in from work?

lady

I know I keep posting links to things but I thought if would give you a chance to read things in your own time because this thread has probably given you a lot to think about.

Its not uncommon for an abuser to turn on the charm when they think they have pushed things too far, they want you to let your guard down again and relax rather than to be defensive and possibly even pushed to leave.

This article talks about types of abuse and the cycle of abuse. After all, if an abuser was just vile all the time you would leave, its partly because they switch from nice to nasty and back again they you are too wrongfooted to see the abuse for what it is.

www.helpguide.org/mental/domestic_violence_abuse_types_signs_causes_effects.htm

lady yes it is a head fuck. That's what abusers do, because no one would stay with someone who was horrible all of the time. Then you find yourself going mad because you're constantly walking on eggshells trying to stay nice so they won't turn nasty again.

So sorry you're having to go through this. I hope you draw some strength from the brilliant advice and support you've had on this thread.

I second that

no amount of hand holding makes up for the attitude of this man, and I say man in the widest of terms

ladywithnomanor I have no advice, just wanted to send you love and encouragement to get yourself out of this awful awful situation.

Let him starve

He's treating you like a slave..Please don't be fooled if he suddenly starts being nice to you.

Please take advice from the former poster who posted links to Womens Aid etc.

Lady, he has cottoned to the fact that you have realised he's abusing you.

He is probably working out how much it'll cost him to separate.

As Chaz says, abusers are nice occasionally to keep you thinking that that's their actual personality, that the abusive behaviour is your fault. Don't drop your guard.

"Its not uncommon for an abuser to turn on the charm when they think they have pushed things too far, they want you to let your guard down again and relax rather than to be defensive and possibly even pushed to leave."

This.

I don't mean to sound brutal, but if you stand up for yourself more, he may put the house in shared names, purely to get you to stay. If he then is a changed man, gives you a reasonable allowance to run his home and raise his kids on, and stops talking to you like shit beneath his shoe, then your standing up for yourself has shifted the family in a positive direction and you can be proud you achieved that, and your long term security is settled. If he reverts to a-hole, you can leave safe in the knowledge that you did your very best, tried your hardest, and he is simply not about to change.

Please, please, tell him you are no longer paying the council tax bill with the CB. That it is called CB for a reason, and from now on you will be spending it on the kids. Then book driving lessons while he is at work. I'm serious; you need those lessons, because you need the independence. And one lesson a week will still leave you with a little to save on, too.

This must all be so overwhelming, I'm so sorry. But it is not normal, it is totally unacceptable, and he is an abuser. The money alone would make that so. The rest is simply extra evidence.

Why didn't you tell him that you felt hurt and unloved because he was so mean to you?

(Try and explain - it helps saying it out loud)

Abitwobblynow, have you read the parts where he said she has to "earn back" the engagement ring he confiscated by having more sex with him, that her mobile phone will be cut off as it was an Xmas pressie and she has "had her money's worth", that she sells things on Ebay to clothe herself and the kids because her DH gives her NO money other than food money, and that she has to pay their shared council tax bill, for a house solely in his name, from her child benefit? That he undermines her in every possible way, and tries to encourage their children to collude in it?

The constant personal abuse is the least of it. And trying to talk to him in any open and vulnerable way will just mean he plays with her head. This is an abusive relationship, all about control and isolation, and normal rules do not apply.

I agree telling someone like that that they have succeeded in causing upset and in undermining someone's confidence will only encourage them.

Perfectstorm, you could read and think about what it is I really said, about her needing to put her experience in words. I was asking her to outline her hiding herself from him, and to think about why she did it.

'You cannot be more honest with others, than you are with yourself'. You see, it is all very great telling people what to do and how they should be. Except, it doesn't work. It's talking AT people and it is making assumptions. If it worked, the world could be perfect.

Only when people do the journey themselves, which involves being honest - 'the man I share my life with isn't tired, he is [ ]' - and NAMING it, bringing it to consciousness, can they start experiencing their [previously] numb and frozen inner life.

to be fair to ABitWobbly, I don't think she meant that OP should actually tell him he is mean

I think she is trying to get OP to see think about all the reasons why she cannot , as outlined in Proud's excellent summary

[Not talking to him, talking to us].

Thanks AF! Nice to hear from you! Have you been away?

sorry, to see and think about

Ah, okay Abitwobbly I misunderstood you, I'm really sorry.

i didn't tell him how I felt as he would have twisted it and made me out to be touchy and unreasonable.

yes, I have ABit

lady you keep your own counsel as far as he is concerned, if you wish

I would imagine you have tried to make him understand since time immemoriam

once you start realising that he will never understand and that you can move on regardless is the day you will start to make headway x

dont mean to sound nasty but if your cooking is that bad then why is he letting your children eat it?

i certainly wouldn't cook for him. you also work hard.

Natashak the threads moved on a bit from cooking.

Thanks I just wanted to hear you say it. That no matter how hurt you are, he doesn't get it and will punish you for making HIM feel uncomfortable about HIS behaviour.

Lady AF said a really, really important thing:

once you start realising that he will never understand and that you can move on regardless is the day you will start to make headway x

It is so important please read it as many times as you need to 'get it'. Explore this avenue if you can. There is a wonderful book called 'Enough about you, let's talk about me' which are strategies for being around people who don't care, and keeping your sense of self. You were trained by toxic M that you don't count. So you need to unlearn that training.

Start preparing a 4 year plan, keeping CB, learning how to drive, preparing for working. Can you contact any old colleagues?

Natashak - we are 12 pages in. 12 pages of gradually emerging abusive shithead. It's moved on. Why don't you read the thread before you post, then you could see it's not about her fucking cooking!

*Makes note to self not to drink red wine before posting on MN

Don't you dare cook that ungrateful bastard another meal!!!