To stop making my OH an evening meal even though he works 60hour weeks and I'm a SAHM ?

[ladywithnomanors]

I don't think I am.
I'm a SAHM to a 2, 4 and 6 yo DC's. He often works 60 hour weeks and sometimes 7 days a week. I do everything in the house and with the DC's - except he cuts the back lawn and occasionally puts the bins out.
I cook him a meal every night for when he gets home from work - often a different meal to what I cook for the DC's as he doesn't consider pasta, jacket potatoes, shepherd's pie to be a proper meal ie. it doesn't consist of a huge chunk of meat.
Whatever I serve up he criticises it. I made a curry it was 'flavourless' even though he specified which curry powder to use. I make a roast chicken and it's 'dry' or the potatoes are hard. Apparently my rice is mushy and my meat 'overcooked'. He comes in at night, waliks into the kitchen and wrinkles his nose at the pans bubbling on the stove, ' Mmm what delights do we have tonight??' he says in a sarcastic tone.

Ok I'm not the worlds best cook but I'm not the worst either and I do try. He says I don't as I'm not serving up Masterchef cuisine every night. He very occasionally will say he enjoyed something.

This morning I mentioned that we had sausages in the fridge and so would do the DC's sausage, mash and veg for tea and did he want some making. He response was that he didn't as he used to like sausages until I made them for him and now the thought of them make him retch. I told him that if that was his attitude then I wasn't going to cook for him anymore as he was ungrateful and picky.
I should point out that he is a fantastic cook but hardly cooks as he works so much.

So AIBU to stop cooking and just let him fend for himself and get his own tea when he gets in from work?

You say that you can't leave because you have nowhere to go and no money. From your current actions - looking after 3 young kids, pandering to this guy, e baying etc you are a resourceful person. You don't need this guy, you're kids don't need him. Contact women's aid and make a plan. Yes, it is THAT bad.

Please leave him OP, for you and for your children there ARE organisations that will help you. I am feeling angry for you here, and so are countless other posters......there's 100 per cent concensus here.
and as another poster said, the ring was a token of marriage intention...
fukcing wnaker

"You say that you can't leave because you have nowhere to go and no money."

In 20 years time you will have no money, no work skills and he can sod off for a younger model without owing you a penny, as the law stands. Right now you are young enough to start again.

There are lovely, lovely men out there. And if you were alone, you'd not have an arse treat you so badly, either, plus you'd have your own money to spend. You had a good job, and you could get back to that job. Your youngest is only 2 years off school, and as a single parent in education or training you can often get childcare paid for. Ask.

I was going to ask if you had toxic parents. Please understand, Lady NO ONE HAS THE RIGHT TO TREAT YOU LIKE THIS. You are a valuable, worthwhile human being and you deserve to be treated with kindness and courtesy as a bare minimum, by everyone you interact with, just the same as the rest of us. Your needs and wishes are as valid as everyone else's, you do not exist just to serve other people. Unfortunately people who have grown up with a bully or an abuser in the family tend to attract abusive partners because being bullied and abused feels kind of familiar, and you have grown accustomed to placating bullies and considering yourself less important.
This man's a shit, but he doesn't own you, he doesn't have superpowers, you can get rid of him. Talk to WA and get them to recommend a good lawyer; you might have to leave the family home but you might be able to get him removed from it and stay there with the children.

Keep talking to us, Lady. Tell us all those things of which there are so many. You see, you are in pain for a reason, and that pain is trying to tell you something. Also, when you SAY it: you are starting to face things. This is the horrible bit, but it won't always be this bad.

Listen to this poster:

'Personally, I think you need to refuse to pay the council tax with your child benefit, because you need to start getting driving lessons and that should fund it.'
This needs to be non-negotiable. Really. Dig your heels in and refuse to pay.

You might be strong enough yet for this:

You need to think strategically here - if you threaten to leave if he won't put half the house in your name, because you want the security in case he runs off and leaves you for another woman in 20 years, he may concede on that if he's confident enough that you won't leave him, because it leaves him more financially secure than if you were married, as he won't owe you spousal support. Frankly if he is self-employed then that's pretty much the only guaranteed source of finance anyway.

Good luck Lady. You sound like a lovely person. Do you thing he is punishing you for the emigration thing? Has he got worse since that, or did that strange country make you less likely to cope/he has always been like this?

And how many hours a week do you work? Three small children and housework must add up to more than 60 hours.

Don't forget that if you leave him, he would have to give you money via the CSA. It would probably be a lot more than he gives you now!

It sounds like he is very tired and irritable and not his best self

No it doesn't. It sounds like he's a horrible, abusive, nasty wanker. There's plenty of them, my caseload is full of them.

a qualified Chef may well be on a salary of arounf £30k

hahahahaahahahahahahahahahahahaha in which world ? Definitely not this one ! £20k if they're lucky !

It sounds like he is very tired and irritable and not his best self

Good lord, who said that!

ugh he sounds vile vile vile VILE

he's training you, like a dog. kicks you as he passes. he's an inadequate, a bully. vile.

I would get on the Freedom Programme asap - this will really help you to get your head straight about what he's doing.

I'm sure others have suggested Womens Aid - the helpline number is at the top of the page - 0808 2000 247. It's not so easy to get through these days but keep trying - they are very supportive and will support you practically, emotionally and legally.

You might get some counselling too at some stage - your past (toxic mother) is affecting the way you expect to be treated and you'll probably have to do a bit of work to change those expectations. But first off, get you and the kids away from this vile, controlling bully and, when you're settled, get some counselling in place.

Good luck OP. Plenty of us have done it - there is a way. Thank God we live in a country that recognises that women like us don't have to live with this shit and has put in place a means to escape.

thank God we live in a country that recognises that women like us don't have to live with this shit and has put in place a means to escape
100% true.

What do you get out of this 'relationship' OP?
What loving and caring things does he do for you on a daily basis?
What praise and compliments does he give you?
How does he make you feel good about yourself?
How does he make you happy? How does he help your children respect you?

Does he value you? Do you enjoy your life?
You are not in a prison, although what you describe sounds like one. I don't know if you are in this country but if you stay, as other have said, in ten years time the situation will be even worse and you will be even more miserable.

I know a couple of people who found the strength to leave their abusive bullies and you know what they have in common now? They are all, without exception, Happy.

Get help to knock away the obstacles that stand between you and that happy life.

I don't want to split a family up

I know you dont and I dont want to be brutual here but if you dont leave now your children will grow up to have issues and problems of their own into damaged adults because of the effects of his behaviour on you and them. Do you want this for them? Of course not.

"I don't want to split a family up"

OP, if he starts making you a decent allowance for all the hard work you do raising his children, puts the house into your joint names, stops undermining and belittling you, and starts treating you decently, then your family can survive. His behaviour is ABNORMAL. I cannot stress that enough. It is sick, bluntly.

If an employee is treated so badly by an employer that they leave, because it's too horrendous to remain, then that is what is known as "constructive dismissal" and they have an unfair dismissal claim in law.

It is not you breaking a family up, because you are not the abuser. It is him doing it. Do you honestly want your daughters to grow up thinking this is all they deserve, and your sons that this is their right? What about your grandchildren? You can break this cycle for your babies. You don't have to model slavery as being what a family is all about.

Hi ladywithnomaners you are most certainly not being u. Your OH sounds exactly like my Ex DP.

He would constantly criticise everything I did, and would pick on me for things so much so that I would stop doing them. Example: If i was watchng a show (CSI) on the laptop, and he wanted it, instead of just saying 'Please may i have the laptop', he would go on and on about 'oh your watching that shit again, my god its so shit only stupid people would watch that shit' until i got so upset i would just give him the damn laptop and go off and cry somewhere.

He would criticise my cooking, saying it was awful, i have been vegan/vegetarian since i was 15, and started cooking meat for him, but obviously i couldnt taste it as it was meat, so would just do the best i could, and he would still say it was shit. Never considered the fact that i was trying my fucking hardest, cooking dead animals which i would never eat myself!

Whenever i was going out on a night out he would go on and on until he upset me before i went out, then we would always have an argument when i got back. One night i was half an hour later than i said i would be (12.30) and he didnt speak to me for 3 days! But when he went out saying he would be back for tea and came home at 5 in the morning, i was just supposed to accept it!

My Ex is an abusive prick, it sounds like your OH is exactly the same kind of man

OP - how are you? I wonder if you are still reeling, because I know I am after reading through your posts. I went from, God what an insensitive man to Jesus Christ! what a desperately sad waste of a young woman's life.

Take some time to digest it all. You don't have to do anything now, but hopefully the mist has cleared and you can see it for what it is. It really is not you, it's him. A scary as this is, it's a chance to put things right because PerfectStorm and SGB are spot on. If you continue in this relationship you will end up an old, depressed and damaged woman with no money. Furthermore, you will have modelled a relationship of abuse and cruelty to your children and as another poster said, they may well go on to repeat the behaviour: bullying abusive men and disrespected, abused women. I know you want more for them.

Give yourself some time, plan, talk to Women's Aid, Citizens Advice, trusted friends. And keep posting for advice.

It's worth asking Women's Aid about your chances of obtaining an Occupation Order. These can last for a year and give you the right to remain in the family home with the children for that time, though after that he would get it back if it hasn't been put in your shared names. You'd be entitled to benefits and from the sounds you would be better off in that situation!

People think an OO requires physical domestic abuse. That makes it easier to get one, but it is not true that that is the only way. They look at the history between you and emotional and financial abuse can suffice. Again, talk to Women's Aid about this. They can recommend solicitors expert in the area local to you, I believe.

Can I ask if you pay the Council Tax from your own bank account, or do you give the money to him? Because your statements will clearly show what is happening if you have been paying out. How do you pay for food, too? Basically, can you demonstrate that you don't spend anything on yourself/the kids from your bank statements? And have you friends who have witnessed any of his behaviour, or with whom you have discussed this situation?

Can you obtain and make copies of all his credit card and bank statements? I think you need to try to work out how much £ he actually has. The answer might surprise you.

I've been thinking about this lady and you are no more than a slave. I'm sorry that must sound so brutal but a servant at least gets paid. YOu are a servant who doesn't get paid = slave

So what that he works 60 hours a week. So do you! It's irrelevant what location its in.

I never cook for my DH if he is not here at tea time (he works late 4 nights a week). Nor does he expect me too.

YANBU at all. What a tool.

Gosh. I have just read the rest of the thread. You and your children deserve better, please don't think you have to put up with this and it's 'normal'. It must be incredibly hard for you to come to the realisation that this is much more serious than you had imagined. There are lots of people out there to help you - and plenty of people on MN for you to sound off to. I wish you all the best.

Here is an on line Freedom Programme

www.onespace.org.uk/elearning/courses/freedom-programme

I'm back. Have been out most of the day so not online. I'm going to have a quick look at posts I have missed and then go and start the tea < oh the irony>.
Last night the first thing he said as he came through the door was 'My God you look as rough as a badgers arse'. . I replied ' Oh thanks.' To which he replied ' Your welcome.'

He asked what was for tea. I told him I hadn't made him any as he didn't want what the DC's were having and I wasn't making separate meals anymore as he didn't appreciate it. He didn't say a word.

Later on he asked what was wrong as I was quiet. I told him I was tired.
In bed later I cried quietly. He asked what was wrong as he knew there was something wrong even though the light was out. I said nothing. He held my hand until I fell asleep. Head fuck.