webcam

[crystaldash]

Have just noticed that dh has set up a camera and has been videoing our room. I think it is to see whether I have a nap. Apparently I do nothing all day. I have 3 DC so am literally running round all day. Am I wrong to think this weird and also very creepy?

crystaldash,you are not mad
what do you want him to admit to?
he will know what he has done,even if he never talks about it again

do you have somewhere to go,after the weekend visit?

crystal, I'll repeat my earlier advice. Even if you decide not to move out, at least tell someone you trust about this so it's on the record.

by telling you that you dudn't see what you saw, he's completely revealing exactly how much respect he has for you.

Can you get into the program he used to remote view and show him what you saw?

crystal
you are not mad
you are not mad
you are not mad

Feel pathetic I have let it get this far. But really have no where to go. Don't want anyone to hate him, my family will want to kill him. I have been through so much worse ..I thought I was stronger than this

people on here should be able to help you.Sounds like you are seeing things you couldnt see before.You are probably in shock right now.Dont be hard on yourself

I believe you Crystal

I hope you believe it too.....that is you believe what an abusive man you are married to. He is not who your parents and friends believe he is. Trust yourself.

Try to start thinking, not "I can't get out" but "how do I get out?"

You can do it.

It's not about how strong you are, it's about you being in a shitty situation where you live with a verbally and physically abusive man.

Please call Women's Aid and any other local refuge organisations. You will have somewhere to go if you do - their purpose is to support women and their children to make that break with housing, money, clothes, whatever. In time, if you can get him out of your house with support, you may well be able to go back home. You really need police involvement though, whilst you still have evidence of his violence on your face.

If you want to roughly indicate which part of the country you are in, I'm sure local MNers would be able to help to. However, don't feel obliged to, especially if you feel it might put you or your children in more danger.

You ARE strong. You are talking about it.

Your family will be there for you.

ok. well he is asleep now. took other phone off me but still have laptop. all my fault apparently, including when eldest saw him hit me. saysi keep mentioning it to dc-never have but when dc said "i feel bad for you" i did say daddy was naughty and you never do that. they are the best boys and they love him. oh god. this is bad. i dont think he knows it is wrong, he grew up around dv and sees this as normal

Oh Crystal, you have to get yourself and your dc out of this......your husband is testament to what can happen to children brought up around dv.

They will thank you I promise.

Hi.

For me, my life turned around for the best (and for the children too), when I started to tell a friend about what life was really like in our house.

She didn't judge me for staying, but reflected back to me what I would tell her. It was very painful.

I had, up to then, been here and there online, but it really needs a leap into real life to get your feet under you for the next step.

My not so d h would activate the webcam, but also scrutinised the phone bills, analysing why I would be 40 minutes onto x, y, or z.

OP Please take the advice of the ladies on this thread, particularly AgathaFusty

Do not blame yourself love. I am so angry on your behalf. You need to get out NOW.
Women's Aid will give you the support you need, regarding housing, benefits etc. Other ladies on Mumsnet have been in your position before so do keep posting love xx

How about you make a theoretical plan?

Nothing written in stone, just a 'what if' scenario.

From what i experienced, you need nothing at all, other than you and your dc.

A list of what is useful could be a start.

For me that list included:
Birth and marriage certs
Bank account numbers
GP numbers
School numbers
Womens Aid

I do hope you are ok.

thank you everyone. will keep you all posted. need to get a job so i can carry on living here, once i am financially independant it will be easier to move on.

I don't think you should wait that long. His behaviour is seriously abnormal and dangerous; if you were to grab the kids and go to a refuge you should be able to get a court order to force him out of the house so you could return. But a man like this, one who doesn't consider you to be a human being at all, is a man who will escalate fast if he thinks you are seeing through him. He's already given himself permission to hit you and control your means of communication, it's only going to get worse.

crystal - jobs are hard to get at the moment. As SGB says, you cannot afford to wait that long.

Look at going to a refuge in the short term, until he can be officially removed from the house. Get your injury documented, and get his behaviour documented everywhere you can (GP, police etc) so that getting him out of the house, with a restraining order if necessary, and getting you financial help are all easier for you to obtain.

There are people out there whose jobs are to help women in your situation - let them help.

You said your husband grew up with DV and sees it as normal.

You don't want your children to feel the same.

This makes me so sad. I understand why you have stayed and why you must be scared for the future if you leave, but you will be so much happier in the long run if you do. He needs help if he can't see why it's wrong.

I really think that you should report it though.

crystal

I think you shoud read this article on "gaslighting", its the process by which an abusive person denies and minimises the abuse until the victim feels that they must be mistaken or going crazy.

www.psychologytoday.com/blog/power-in-relationships/200905/are-you-being-gaslighted

It might ring some bells.

Stop looking for his acknowledgement that he has done something wrong, learn to trust your own judgment again. He will not acknowledge that he has done anything wrong because he doesn't believe he has. In his world order he has the right to treat you like this because to him you are less important than he is.

Just be careful in case he has installed a key logger on your laptop OP.
My ex never admitted any of what he did to me so please don't wait for that. Sometimes they aren't sorry, sometimes they can't see their behaviour is wrong, sometimes they feel they have the right to do it, sometimes they just don't care, they like keeping you in your place.
I know it can feel like a soap opera and you question how you got there but this really isn't your fault. You say you thought you were stronger than this but you can be strong again.

crystaldash,I can tell that at the moment you have no real intention of leaving.
How often does he hit you?
And does he ever hit the DC?

Can I ask the ladies on here,perhaps those that have experienced this in particular,if the op,for whatever reasons,does not look like she is going to leave very quickly,what advice would you then give the op.

I dont want to encourage her to stay,or give her what she needs to stay,but some do stay I presume,so what then?

If you are going to stay for whatever reason (and I really think you should leave) then don't keep it a secret. Tell your family, friends, GP, the police. All this will make all the difference if/when you finally decide to make the break

Here is an on line Freedom Programme

www.onespace.org.uk/elearning/courses/freedom-programme