First world problem I know - husband just not interested

[needsomeperspective]

I know this is a frequent theme on these boards but I just really need to just get it out.

I've been married nearly 4 years and for at least 3 (well before we had kids) our sex life has been less than amazing. I am the kind of person to whom sex is very very important in a relationship. It cements the bond, oils the wheels, helps with communication, feeling close and feeling loved and wanted. In my opinion it should also be a source of fun, joy and bring a little color, passion and excitement to the mundanities of everyday life, work, domestic drudgery, child are etc.

Unfortunately my husband doesn't feel that way and the state of our sex life is just tearing me apart.

We have sex once a week to once every ten days. When we do I get the feeling that he is reluctant or doing it as a duty. He has actually told me me needs to "work himself up to it".

We argue constantly about this. I have told him that I desperately long for a close, passionate, frequent, fulfilling sex LIFE which runs a thread of intimacy through our marriage NOT just an occasional shag. He says he will "try" but nothing ever changes.

I don't feel sex is something which interests him. In between times he shows no sexual interest in me and if I try to initiate anything by kissing or caressing him he lies there and mostly ignores me and I can almost see him mentally trying to persuade or force himself to make an effort because he knows I will otherwise be upset.

This has got to the point now where my self esteem in shattered. I feel close to tears a lot of the time and like I have a big rock in my chest. If its been a long time since we've had sex I almost hate him.

I'm 34. I can't imagine going through the rest of my life being sexually unfulfilled and feeling unwanted, undesirable. I feel like there is a whole side of marriage, of LIFE that I'm missing out on.

I know some people would be quite content with sex 3 times a month but I'm not. I'm very very unhappy. He knows this.

He is on anti anxiety meds but if anything he is LESS interested in sex when he is not on them because he is then anxious, mean and sometimes violently aggressive. They don't seem to have any physical impact on his abilities in bed and he has always functioned perfectly in a physical sense whether on or off them.

When we do have sex he is a considerate and wonderful lover. He cares that I am enjoying himself. But he just doesn't seem..... enthusiastic. He just isn't driven or really "into it" if you know what I mean. He touches me for ME nt because e actually wants to. He makes no comment and shows zero interest when I'm naked or in underwear. God knows I'm no a pretty sight after 2 cesareans and 2 stone overweight but I'm not that bad. I know husbands who still show their wife desire when their wives aren't physically perfect.

I know I should lose weight but I'm scared to. If I get back into a size ten and he still has no interet that's my last hope gone. And he SAYS my looks are fine and that's nothing to do with it. If the problem is my body I wish he would just be honest because that is something I can actually fix!

I've now basically given up on ever having the vibrant, experimental, fun sex life I want to share with the person I love. I don't want an affair - I don't want random sex with someone I don't care about I want to share the pleasures and intimacies of a physical relationship with the man I love.

I just don't know what to do anymore. It's actually more painful and upsetting limping along having occasional awkward sex than it would be to just stop altogether. At least if we just said "no more sex" I would feel the constant rejection and disappointed hope and expectation.

We have 2 small children. I don't want to end my marriage. He is a great father and a great husband in every other way. He just can't make me happy because he doesn't care about sex and cannot relate to how I feel about it.

Please tell me what to do. I've suggested counselling but I think I would be too ashamed and humiliated to say to someone face to face "my husband isn't attracted to me".

Sorry this is so long. Just needed to vent or otherwise I will be crying at my desk.

Do you recognise anything else I said- about possibly being a controlling person?

it's often the case that high achievers in the work place expect the same control at home.

About why you chose a man who was so very different from you- and maybe why you chose him?

I also think your sex drive is worthy of exploration.
If a man came on here and said he felt his balls would explode without more sex, he 'd be told where to go. It's not much different with you.
Caressing and closeness can be nice- you've already said you aren't set on orgasm. You don't need penetrative sex to be close.

What you've said in your last post does change things quite a bit. It explains why you are very driven in terms of your sex drive and why it is not a 'fun but not the main event' part of your overall life as it is for most people.

My own feeling is that you need to recognise that yours is at the more extreme end of the spectrum, but equally your husband has good valid also psychogical/symptoms which make his drive the way it is. He can no more up his drive than you can put a dampner on yours.

I also wonder if thinking about all the great things about having a slightly less intense/driven partner might help. I have a friend who a while ago was really frustrated that her husband was so passive in life, he just didn't look for jobs, he just let the winds of life blow him about. I agreed with her this was annoying, but as I pointed out, this meant she got to choose how they lived their life. So, she changed some things they didn't like, found him a new job, moved house and now they are much happier because she's accepted that his passivity/lack of drive allows her a lot of freedom, and he's always supportive and happy to help her meet her goals. This might be an extreme example, and from what you've said, your husband is not passive in this way, but rather than seeing the problems that having a partner who is prepared to take a back-seat for a while, or be out-earned by his partner (which many many men cannot easily take), perhaps start to see the benefits: he will move countries, support your job, be at home more, loves being around you.

However, part of this personality/and psychological make-up may be he's also less demanding in the bedroom, and that is the price to be paid in some ways. You simply don't get everything in one man; I have several friends married to male bankers and although they get some things, they don't get others (e.g. long sensitive chats into the night).

This may or may not help, but I don't think you necessarily do have to change everything and rewrite your relationship, but just be aware of the power dynamic here, and also be aware that for every minus, there's a plus!

So is there actually a real condition called 'nymphomania' or has it been uninvented?

IIRC the classic nymphomaniac was a woman who wanted sex all the time but was never actually satisfied by it, whether she had an orgasm or not.

Essentially the mosquito bite analogy. I've got an insect bite on my ankle RIGHT NOW and it's driving me bloody mad...have told myself do NOT scratch, it's only like masturbation...

I've no idea if it is a real condition but I wonder if those who described it as such in the past based it on women like you, OP?

Is the emasculating thing really true though? Is it not generalising a bit?

Genuine question - my DH and I swapped roles and he honestly loves being at home now, looking after the DCs and the house despite his health problems - he has never felt emasculated at all. But then maybe it's because he's never been the macho type, he's not effeminate (sp?) either but he's comfortable with his maleness in himself without needing to show it IYSWIM.

I just wondered if it's fair to conclude that OP's DH feels emasculated as it isn't something that happens to all men in his situation. Or maybe my DH is just very unusual. I don't know! Apologies if I'm barking up the wrong tree.

Fuzzpig, that's what I was getting at, not every man wants to be the driving force in the relationship/breadwinner/works all hours and so on. Two people like that in a relationship would be extremely exhausting (I know, as I'm one fairly dominant person married to another, and we don't always 'complement' each other on that score).

Since starting this thread it's the first time we've actually been able to discuss this properly and openly. Historically he has a history of reacting extremely defensively and before he was properly medicated he could be extremely aggressive and unpredictable. I used to be genuinely afraid of how I spoke and tiptoed on eggshells so as not to say the wrong thing and inadvertently provoke a rage.

It has taken a long time for me to feel comfortable broaching anything even vaguely sensitive because of that. We were progressing well with everything until he changed meds and stopped taking them for 3 months at the beginning of the year. That time was awful. And I'd just had a baby in December. I wrote a thread on it. I was terrified of his snappishness and aggressive outbursts.

As soon as he went onto Zoloft he has been absolutely brilliant. But it has taken me a while to feel able to really raise difficult issues - especially something like this where he may feel I'm saying he is nt good enough. He heard that a LOT growing up and it's a big trigger.

Hence me venting on here.

The conversation we had a couple of days ago is the first proper actual sensible discussion we have had instead of an emotion fueled row or rant or me being upset or him being pissed off etc. and it was very helpful. I'm hopeful that we can build on the communication - whether on this subject or other things I've been wary of broaching (his relationship with his mother being one but that's another story).

I was really pleasantly surprised by the fact that he came to ME to discuss it, was open and calm and rational, didn't fly off the handle or anything. The man he was 3 years ago would never have been able to do that.

I do think we make progress all the time in our marriage in many ways. We have ony been married c. 4 years. And we didn't know each other that long beforehand. It's a learning curve. But is moving in the right direction.

When I met him there was definitely without doubt the underlying choice to be with someone unlike my ex and who would be happy to support my career and way of life. I had lost a lot before and was adamant I wouldn't be financially dependent ever again. (my ex also had a gambling problem and slept with prostitutes I afterwards found out!). But over the years I feel our relationship has actually been growing more and more equal. In practical and emotional terms. I've relinquished a lot of control and he has found an equilibrium between autonomy in his own work beig self employed and coming to terms with sharing what used to be couple time with the babies. I think that initial imbalance and control freakery has very much smoothed out.

Can't be bothered to name change, but i'm similar to OP with regards to the want/need/addiction for sex. I've never been for counceling or suspected i have any named conditions. My sex drive has actually increased since my mid 30s too. Same when it came to sex straight after child birth. It killed me to wait 6 weeks - even though yes i was sore and bruised.

I know i cant expect my DH to keep up with me. We average about 3 times a week and that's a compromise for me. He's happy with that. I do get stressed about it. Most of the time i can reason with myself, but sometimes i catch myself worrying that he doesn't fancy me/has gone off me just because we havn't had sex for a couple of days! Stupid i know. I know 3 times a seek is a 'good' sex life.

It's all so emotive though. Nothing like going to the opera or a thai meal. (up thread)

I really hope you can get somewhere with this OP. Your DH does sound like a caring man. Just wrote this so you dont feel like the only one who craves sex OP.

So glad to read that!

The fact that you have the time to post here , and the intensity in your posts makes you sound like hard work!

Now you " need to talk to him about his mother".

Do you ever let the man just "be"?!

Your marriage has hit the buffers very early on. Maybe it will get better, maybe you are just not suited. It seems as if you are having to put a huge amount of effort into a relationship in its very early days.

My last thoughts on this are that it's all about you and what you want. You don't even seem to consider your DH's feelings and whether your demands are making him unhappy.

I genuinely do think he is happy for me to be the main one to steer our little menagerie through life. As said he is ex military and kind of likes being given his direction then left to sort out the details and get it done. He IS quite passive in the kind of "where do you want to be in 3 years" and isn't particularly desiring of career success or fame or recognition. He'd like to win the lottery and do a barn conversion in wales. Not be CEO of Shell. So I'm trying to earn the money and in a few years we will try and find an old wreck for him to work on. In the meantime, is he happy?

Well I think he was ambivalent about kids but does love our babies. He would like us to have more disposable income and go out more together (I earn well but most goes on investments and debt service building a solid financial future for us and our kids not on fancy dinners and holidays). He would like to contribute more financially and have a steady income. He would like the dog to vanish and never be seen again.

Aside from that he says he is happy. I ask him so regularly and solicit feedback on what he would like to do / change etc to make his life better. He can't usually think of anything except he wants a job. Unfortunatly I can't help him there.

X posts -

i'm so glad you're communicating with your DH. It is the key.

Ah I don't usually post. Boss and entire team is away and it's Ramadan so no work going on here at the mo.

Don't know why you'd think my marriage has hit the buffers. I don't feel that way.

Fluffyraggies - So glad I'm not the only one!!!

Someone (i think it was anyfucker) mentioned that he is using sex to control you, but tbh it sounds like it is the only area in the poor sods life that he actually has any control. No wonder he doesn't feel like doing it! you seem to have his life mapped out for him, so that it fits in with what YOU deem to be "a good lifestyle". I wonder if control is a really big issue for you, something tht you feel the need to have, i get that, i go either way, i am really controlling (but not so organised and on the ball as you are) and end up getting really really anxious when i can't be in control, which ends up in me just giving up and letting other people take over. Im not criticising you but i really think that you need to get these issues sorted out, for you, its about getting what you want, you want sex, so he should give it to you, just like at work when you want a task done, you expect it done, to your standards etc etc. You can't understand why your H isn't complying and it overloads your circuits. I am willing to bet if you didn't have to deal with his rejection sexually, ie, if every time you wanted sex, he was up for it, you wouldnt want it as much as you do. I love sex, my DP loves sex (yay) but i would say most of the times we have it are because, i quite like it, im happy to let him have his way and not too fussed about it at that moment in time, he can be a bit roll on roll off (thats fine) on those occasions, but if im not up for it, he will be more attentive etc pester me during the day, so sometimes, if im wanting a session in the evening, i will make him wait. I really think the issue is yours and you have thereby made it his issue - take away the pressure, make him come to you for sex (if you can bear to wait!) and things could improve. You sound like a really strong woman who is used to getting what she wants (not a brat, you work hard for it, you don't want it laid out for you) and the fact that he may not want it at the same time as you and doesn't capitulate, fries your circuits.

Elizabeth? you don't like women very much do you

The problems you have, though, are happening now. Seems that by ploughing money into investments, rather than enjoying the here and now, you are trying desperately to build foundations for a future that may not even happen.

When AF wrote that the H was using sex as a means of control, in my mind I nodded along in agreement.

Now, I can't speak for AF but now I don't think he's using sex to control OP now. I think he's giving you every last drop of sex that he can.

I'm a bit about your attitude to finances too.

He would like us to have more disposable income and go out more together (I earn well but most goes on investments and debt service building a solid financial future for us and our kids).

OP, there's middle ground between frittering away all your cash and saving for your future. Would it really damage your finances that much to go out for dinner once a week?

Possibly so Elizabeth. But I'm willing to bet there are women more extreme than me out there. I think the proper definition of sex addiction where sexual activity is a compulsion usually acted out with multiple partners and where the need for sex supercedes other responsibilities like paying the mortgage, looking after your children etc. thats more the type of concept which parallels the old fashioned nymphomaniac definition. I think.

Would be interesting to research it a bit really. I always suspected the greatest proportion of supposed sex addicts were basically narcissistic cheaters looking for a get out clause or excuse for their infidelity (see tiger woods).

BTW, I remember your thread from when he stopped taking his meds, and it was awful. You have my every sympathy there.

Now, I'm saying this as gently as I can, and please don't take it as a criticism - but do you think it's possible that you're alpha female approach to live is contributing to his MH issues?

We used to have disposable income but I got made redundant and had to take a job at a third less salary. The main reason we don't have much disposable cash is because he has massive debts and a house in negative equity which we can't sell and which he didn't tell me about until after we had got married and I had put financial commitments and structures in place NOT taking all his debt into account. When he finally told me I made what changes I could to try to balance the books but a lot of cash outflows are committed. Believe me if I could release more funds for us to enjoy life now I would do so! As it is it's taking every bit of financial jugglery to afford the house childcare and our commitments. I gave him the choice we could a. Stay in the small house with no nanny and have some money to go out (but no babysitter so no ability to do so!!) b. we could move and have the nanny but e would have to take a well paid job which would mean him being away for weeks at a time or c. We move and get the nanny he ups his part time work and we massively tighten our belts for the next year. He chose c.

Can I give another perspective? I love my DH very much, and find him very attractive. I have sexual dreams about him and haven't looked at another man since I met him. I love to kiss him and cuddle him and I think about him a lot - how lovely he is, how attractive he is.

But I hardly ever want to have sex. Even though when I have it I generally really enjoy it.

For me it's about tiredness; maybe some hormonal issues also.

In other words - you can love someone, fancy them, enjoy sex when you it, fantasise about your partner, but STILL NOT WANT TO HAVE FREQUENT SEX.

No therapy will make me feel different. Maybe better physical health would make a difference. Maybe. But there is no problem with my feelings for my DH. The problem is with my libido. Full stop.

I know my partner isn't entirely happy and I'm trying to be as loving to him as possible, and to make sex good when it does happen. But I feel that's all I can humanly do. If I suspected he felt as you do - that he can't live happily without frequent, passionate sex, then I'd probably suggest we separate.

If I was in your shoes I'd feel very sorry for myself and be considering my options. Really there are only 3: continue as you are and try to improve the emotional side of your relationship; leave and look for someone who feels as you do about sex; compromise your principles and have an affair while staying in your marriage.

But the bottom line is, your partner isn't doing anything wrong that can be put right by therapy or treatment.

Cinnabar I actually think that providing a very stable and organized base has helped hugely with his mental health issues. When he was having therapy they discussed this.

As a child he was uprooted almost annually to a different school / town / part of the country. Partly to stop social services finding out about the abuse, partly so his step father could evade the police when he go himself into trouble and partly to keep the family destabilized, not knowing anyone and firmly under e stepfathers control. The then travelled around the world with the military and lost a lot of relationships because e was so rarely at home. Stability and consistency is very important for him and he feels most comfortable in an environment where there is direction and framework. Of course he needs his own autonomy within that. And my tendency is always to "manage" everything.

He tends to worry mostly about money which is why I deal with it. His relationship with his family (and sometimes mine) can be triggering for him too so it's a good thing we are away.

I have asked him if he finds me controlling and he says this is the least controlling relationship he has ever had "you let me go out and do things!". Scary huh?! He had some shockers of exes (although I suspect he was no picnic himself back then either!).

Shagmundfreud, good to hear the other side thanks.

As always Mumsy a very useful post. I do certainly recognize the plus side. Absolutely. Unless in an emotional tailspin (which feels very like PMT actually) of frustration and need! At which point I think I will now post on here instead of vent at DH either directly or indirectly!

needsomeperspective Thu 16-Aug-12 10:00:10

We used to have disposable income but I got made redundant and had to take a job at a third less salary. The main reason we don't have much disposable cash is because he has massive debts and a house in negative equity which we can't sell and which he didn't tell me about until after we had got married and I had put financial commitments and structures in place NOT taking all his debt into account

So you have parented him?

Have ever wondered why he didn't tell you about the house & debts? Maybe ashamed? It's a pretty big secret to keep. Communication wasn't good then was it? How on earth did you get past something like that- deception?

You've said that you have several homes- why? Why are you buying those andnot having fun with what must be a considerable income if you are a banker in the UAE/Saudi or similar.

A few posters here have said things with which I agree- but which you appear not to want to address: that this is all about you and that you are a controlling and demanding person- applying your behaviour in the workplace to your marriage.

As has been said before- and you don't seem to listen to this- the sex part of your marriage is a reflection of the underlying dynamics. Address those.

Crikey. You both have a huge amount of baggage going on.

I think the not-telling-you-about-a-house thing would have been a dealbreaker for me, quite aside from the other issues.

Very best of luck with it all.

Yes, but...if you look for someone who loves sex as much as you, you may (or may not) pay quite a high price for this. Not many people who are as happy to go along with the OP's needs, and meet the other criterion in every way (kind, sensitive, listen, happy to relocate and so on) are going to also be massively highly sexed, because most people are not that massively highly sexed, judging by the statistics. Most people do not have or want sex daily a few years into marriage.

This is the man, and the marriage the OP chose. The reality of that is now coming home to roost. I don't agree it's a bad sign that a few years in things hit the buffers (they may not have even hit the buffers anyway), it is normal where you have highly-opinionated independent people trying to make a life together for that to sometimes take a while to bed down. And- I also don't agree with finding one area of incompatibility (amongst a lot of compatibility) and jacking it in. Who is this perfect person going to be who is compatible in every single area?