First world problem I know - husband just not interested

[needsomeperspective]

I know this is a frequent theme on these boards but I just really need to just get it out.

I've been married nearly 4 years and for at least 3 (well before we had kids) our sex life has been less than amazing. I am the kind of person to whom sex is very very important in a relationship. It cements the bond, oils the wheels, helps with communication, feeling close and feeling loved and wanted. In my opinion it should also be a source of fun, joy and bring a little color, passion and excitement to the mundanities of everyday life, work, domestic drudgery, child are etc.

Unfortunately my husband doesn't feel that way and the state of our sex life is just tearing me apart.

We have sex once a week to once every ten days. When we do I get the feeling that he is reluctant or doing it as a duty. He has actually told me me needs to "work himself up to it".

We argue constantly about this. I have told him that I desperately long for a close, passionate, frequent, fulfilling sex LIFE which runs a thread of intimacy through our marriage NOT just an occasional shag. He says he will "try" but nothing ever changes.

I don't feel sex is something which interests him. In between times he shows no sexual interest in me and if I try to initiate anything by kissing or caressing him he lies there and mostly ignores me and I can almost see him mentally trying to persuade or force himself to make an effort because he knows I will otherwise be upset.

This has got to the point now where my self esteem in shattered. I feel close to tears a lot of the time and like I have a big rock in my chest. If its been a long time since we've had sex I almost hate him.

I'm 34. I can't imagine going through the rest of my life being sexually unfulfilled and feeling unwanted, undesirable. I feel like there is a whole side of marriage, of LIFE that I'm missing out on.

I know some people would be quite content with sex 3 times a month but I'm not. I'm very very unhappy. He knows this.

He is on anti anxiety meds but if anything he is LESS interested in sex when he is not on them because he is then anxious, mean and sometimes violently aggressive. They don't seem to have any physical impact on his abilities in bed and he has always functioned perfectly in a physical sense whether on or off them.

When we do have sex he is a considerate and wonderful lover. He cares that I am enjoying himself. But he just doesn't seem..... enthusiastic. He just isn't driven or really "into it" if you know what I mean. He touches me for ME nt because e actually wants to. He makes no comment and shows zero interest when I'm naked or in underwear. God knows I'm no a pretty sight after 2 cesareans and 2 stone overweight but I'm not that bad. I know husbands who still show their wife desire when their wives aren't physically perfect.

I know I should lose weight but I'm scared to. If I get back into a size ten and he still has no interet that's my last hope gone. And he SAYS my looks are fine and that's nothing to do with it. If the problem is my body I wish he would just be honest because that is something I can actually fix!

I've now basically given up on ever having the vibrant, experimental, fun sex life I want to share with the person I love. I don't want an affair - I don't want random sex with someone I don't care about I want to share the pleasures and intimacies of a physical relationship with the man I love.

I just don't know what to do anymore. It's actually more painful and upsetting limping along having occasional awkward sex than it would be to just stop altogether. At least if we just said "no more sex" I would feel the constant rejection and disappointed hope and expectation.

We have 2 small children. I don't want to end my marriage. He is a great father and a great husband in every other way. He just can't make me happy because he doesn't care about sex and cannot relate to how I feel about it.

Please tell me what to do. I've suggested counselling but I think I would be too ashamed and humiliated to say to someone face to face "my husband isn't attracted to me".

Sorry this is so long. Just needed to vent or otherwise I will be crying at my desk.

While previously being sympathetic to the OP, her post of 16:14 has left me reeling (a bit).

I'm still sympathetic, but really it's not normal to need sex to that degree. You really need to sort that out, or you'll never be able to take enough pressure off your DH for him to relax around you.

When posters have said that their husbands/partners have expressed the same feelings, every single one of us has dismissed the men out of hand as selfish and controlling. Maybe we're misjudged them.

How have you coped when between relationships in the past? If masturbating doesn't help? Can you employ similar coping techniques now, to take some pressure out of your marriage?

I agree with CR

You have some work to do on that unhealthy need for sex, OP

You say your H has some childhood "issues"

do you ? Or are you simply putting it down to heredity ?

Or have you taken my advice from earlier and put this thread to bed ?

Give me a break!! Everyone feels better after they have sex! Lighten up, everyone.

OP, take AF's advice and step away from the thread. This is just ridiculous.

Its true Peshwari sex does release feel good hormones, but so does chocolate and I dont have to hassle anyone for that lol.

is it actually physically possible for a bloke to get a "usable" erection in a swimming pool?

@ CR - I would guess that not quite enough sex is probably harder to deal with than none at all.

it's like scratching a mosquito bite, it feels great for about 5 minutes then the itch comes back and its worse. you are better off not scratching at all...

Hi OP sounds like you and your DH have a plan. Up thread you say you want (him? Both of you? I forget) to compromise, so if your default is daily and his is fortnightly do you have a compromise amount in mind? Might be useful to think about.

"is it actually physically possible for a bloke to get a "usable" erection in a swimming pool? "

Oh Yes!

Perfectly possible. Swimming pool, sea, river, lake, any body of water will do only exception was the sea of the isle of mull that was so cold his tackle actually tried to hide!

Sex isn't a need like food, oxygen, water, or sleep. It's more like art, music, sport - a pleasant recreation to some people and a kind of need to others. But if you're one of the people in the kind-of-need category, you have to accept that other people don't exist just to supply you with what you need, you have to be responsible for meeting the need aspect of it yourself so that you can share the enjoyment aspect of it with other people.

Tricky situation but having read through your posts I'm glad you feel more positive. Getting to the gym would be really good - as it's a public place there's no expectation because you can't have sex there unlike a night at home. It would be a good way to connect and enjoy something together with a shared goal.

That's quite an accurate metaphor Elizabeth! Don't most people find the more sex they have the more they want?

I had some therapy a few years ago after a traumatic break up. I went for about 4 months. We discussed this issue and it seems there is no underlying trauma, issue or anything related to my childhood etc. that makes me this way. I had a lovely happy childhood growing up in a rural village which was all church choir, climbing trees, bike rides and mums home made biscuits. Never heard my parents argue. Good grades at school. Normal teenage relationships. Absolutely nothing traumatic at all.

I WAS however pretty promiscuous and my therapst tried to work with me to understand if that was down to a lack of self esteem but eventually concluded after sending me to talk to a psychiatrist that I actually have adult ADHD. My impulse control can be quite poor as a result (although I'm a typical boring Capricorn in almost all areas - good with money, no excessive risk taking in terms of poor life choices, no drug or alcohol issues).

I'm very much not the addictive type of personality. Used to smoke when out then not touch one for a month no problem. I've never been addicted to anything really - the only thing I crave is sex! Apparently hyper sexuality is not uncommon in adults with ADHD. It's just how I'm built physiologically. I have a high sex drive.

When I was single I used to exercise pretty much every day and trust me I really don't need to practice solo sexual activity! For me that helps minimally but barely takes the edge off. I usually had a friend with benefits when single. Before I had my children the longest I've ever gone without sex was 4 weeks. From my first sexual relationship at 17.

It may not in actuality be as important as breathing but it sometimes seems that way to me.

Sex has just always been an extremely important part of my life and just who I am. I'd prioritize it over sleep, food and pretty much anything else. Of course tht doesn't mean I'd leave my baby crying or be late for an important meeting or anything silly like that (thought I ought to be clear before someone exacerbates and projects to the nth degree as is so common on MN!).

So yes, my sex drive is particularly high. I would have sex daily, even multiple times a day. But that is not something many people would be able to sustain or enjoy. I'd be happy with twice a week. Happier with 3 times of course but I could live comfortably with twice. Particularly if there was intimate touching and focus on each other that didn't necessarily lead to sex in addition to that.

But 3 times a month. No. By the second week without I feel like my blood pressure is going through the roof.

You'd think my ADHD meds would help - and they do with some aspects of the disorder but being amphetamine based they actually can heighten sexual arousal (just what I need huh?!). So I tend not to take them these days and stick to my routines and natural supplements.

I understand many women take a while to feel ready for sex again after having their babies. After mine I struggled to last 4 weeks postpartum before we were back into the swing of things (had cesareans). Nothing that I've experienced has ever dampened my interest even temporarily.

So maybe those who said don't bank on your libido dropping as you et older are right!

Talk about drip feeding OP

Why didn't you mention this before? Therapy, low self esteem ( picked up by me and other posters way back here) and ADHD.

The obvious reply is that you and your DH are at opposite ends of the spectrum re. sex drive- you're hyper and he's on ADs with his own emotional baggage.

I know people with ADHD yet I don't think they behave as you do- ADHD does not equate with promiscuty in every case.

I think your sexual urges are way off the average level. There's nothing wrong with how you are, but in reality I wonder if you would ever find a man who could satisfy you? I doubt it. Even couples who have daily or twice daily sex at the start of a relationship find it dwindles after a couple of years.

I'd say your expectations are unrealistic. I'm also struggling to know how masterbation isn't enough- sure, it's not quite the same but if orrgasm is what you want, aren't you getting that solo? What's the difference?

You know what I suggest- that you email Suzi Godson, www.moresexdaily.com sex expert who writes a column for The Times. Be interesting to see what she says.

It's not about orgasm oddly. I quite often don't orgasm during sex. It's the sex itself. With someone else.

The therapy thing isn't really relevant (was years ago) just thought it was helpful to point out that I have discussed this with a therapist and he didn't think I had low self esteem - despite doing his level best to unearth some.

ADHD isn't a mental health problem. It's more of a group of characteristics which can make life a bit more difficult and can be annoying for the people around you. It wasn't even noticed in me until I was 28 and never impacted my academic or career success - more just pissed my mother off because I couldn't ever remember to give her my notes from school, bring home my gym kit or pick the wet towels off the bed.

I'm awful at domestic chores and would rather buy new clothes than collect the dry cleaning. It takes me 3 months to post a letter as my middle name is procrastination given half a chance. I have been known to suddenly decide to go to Paris for the weekend and be gone in an hour - but only when I knew I could afford to do so.

I've never found having ADHD anything more than a bit if a personality quirk. Aside from the associated issues with impulsive sexual behavior (not cheating or calling prostitutes or jumping on random strangers I hasten to add!).

I've said that daily sex is unrealistic.

2 x a week doesn't sound beyond the realms of "normal" does it?!

Sorry, re therapy: it was to help me get over a break up. My fiancé left me a few months before the wedding and I was utterly flattened by it. Thought counselling may help me to get him off the pedestal I had him on. And it did. I now think he is an utter utter twunt. Don't let anyone tell you counselling doesn't work ;)

I know ADHD is not a MH problem- I work with people with ADHD.

No twice a week is not a lot. But the problem > is that it is currently too much for your DH, for whatever reason.

I think you should contact Suzi G or at least read the info on her website- she's an expert, MNs aren't. :)

Hi Op, just re-read your post and all your responses. Here are my thoughts:

First off, you clearly love your husband. That's a pretty good starting block.

But what stands out most of all to me is that you infantilise him - I know others have used the term emasculate, but it really seems like you're playing the role of the parent in this relationship, and I'm sure that has a massive impact on his self esteem, libido, the works.

Like most parents do, you are giving him what you think he needs out of love. So, he is struggling looking after the children - you provide a nanny. He wants a bigger house, bingo, you buy a bigger house. You employ a cleaner. You buy him golf clubs. You make all financial decisions. You come in from a stressful day at work, put the children to bed and cook dinner. You've essentially taken all responsibility away from him. You say he's a wonderful father, helps round the house etc. but there's not an awful lot left for him to do!

It seems like your fear of him being unhappy is overriding everything. And obviously, due to his childhood and the fact that he's on medication, it is an issue. But I think you need to let him take control a bit.

Yeah you're probably right.

I tend to "protect" him from worrying things like bills and overdrafts because he will lay awake all night fretting about things even when he can do nothing to fix them.

Because he had such a horrible horrible childhood (and some other bad experiences in relationships) I always feel I want to make it up to him by making his life now as stable, comfortable and happy as I can.

I reckon he can show his appreciation in the sack (joke!!)

It is getting more equal these days because he can work more because of the childcare we now have in place. And I think he feels better for that. He is not very good at dealing with money and I am a banker so it makes no sense for him to manage our finances (also I am the visa holder in the country where we live so my name is on everything and there is a lot he couldn't deal with due to that).

He sorts his own property out because I can't deal with his mortgage lenders or estate agents.

I have started being more collaborative and asking for more support in terms of making financial decisions and sharing my worries and concerns and that has been goin well. Now his anxiety is properly managed I have been able to lean on him more without him having a sleepless night of panic and catastrophising which he would have done 3 or 4 years ago.

I agree. He isn't being allowed to be a man.

But is this chicken and egg?

Has the OP chosen a man who won't hurt her- like her ex fiance did- but her DH is someone she can (sub consciously) dominate?

Would a more alpha male be too much of a risk- too dangerous in terms of hurting her? Possibly not faithful?

OP who are clearly a high achiever. You sound as if you think you can control everything, sort out your life and family, through your brain, hard work and tenacity. You've had a pretty nice life- middle class parenting, Oxbridge, high-flying career. All lovely. You can't control your DH's sex drive which is why you are suffering now.

I think you have chosen your DH because he makes you feel safe by allowing you to control your lives and he takes a back seat.

Is he living the life he wants? Have you ever asked him?

I think you are babying him.

The fact you are a banker is irrelevant. Day to day finances ( bar investments) do not necessitate a partner to be a banker. Basic common sense and an ability not to get into debt suffice.

FGS let the man be more of an equal partner.

I'm sorry, op, after your last post it seems you need to seek help to sort your hyper sexuality in more depth.

I really feel for your husband. Your thread title 'husband just not interested', is mis-leading and untrue. It seems you've had sex a couple of times since starting this thread, and initiated by him

Sorry, I think you are the one with the problems, your dh has openly come and discussed the issues with you and seems very proactive and quite lovely. You sound selfish, self centred and insatiable. Seek help.

Our finances require a level of management he would not be able to comfortably deal with - nor does he want to. We have numerous different debt obligations and investments as well as several properties. I run a monthly spread sheet to keep track of payments. I have often tried to talk him through it and he kind of gets it but that's not his area.

He doesnt like Excel much. He usually asks me to help with his invoicing and any minor accounting work in his own part time work. His skills and strengths are in his trade - he works with his hands, is brilliant at spatial awareness and his technical capabilities in his field are also good. He is great with people so his customers like him. He is not a numbers person.

The bills are paid out of my account automatically so do not require managing by anyone.