First world problem I know - husband just not interested

[needsomeperspective]

I know this is a frequent theme on these boards but I just really need to just get it out.

I've been married nearly 4 years and for at least 3 (well before we had kids) our sex life has been less than amazing. I am the kind of person to whom sex is very very important in a relationship. It cements the bond, oils the wheels, helps with communication, feeling close and feeling loved and wanted. In my opinion it should also be a source of fun, joy and bring a little color, passion and excitement to the mundanities of everyday life, work, domestic drudgery, child are etc.

Unfortunately my husband doesn't feel that way and the state of our sex life is just tearing me apart.

We have sex once a week to once every ten days. When we do I get the feeling that he is reluctant or doing it as a duty. He has actually told me me needs to "work himself up to it".

We argue constantly about this. I have told him that I desperately long for a close, passionate, frequent, fulfilling sex LIFE which runs a thread of intimacy through our marriage NOT just an occasional shag. He says he will "try" but nothing ever changes.

I don't feel sex is something which interests him. In between times he shows no sexual interest in me and if I try to initiate anything by kissing or caressing him he lies there and mostly ignores me and I can almost see him mentally trying to persuade or force himself to make an effort because he knows I will otherwise be upset.

This has got to the point now where my self esteem in shattered. I feel close to tears a lot of the time and like I have a big rock in my chest. If its been a long time since we've had sex I almost hate him.

I'm 34. I can't imagine going through the rest of my life being sexually unfulfilled and feeling unwanted, undesirable. I feel like there is a whole side of marriage, of LIFE that I'm missing out on.

I know some people would be quite content with sex 3 times a month but I'm not. I'm very very unhappy. He knows this.

He is on anti anxiety meds but if anything he is LESS interested in sex when he is not on them because he is then anxious, mean and sometimes violently aggressive. They don't seem to have any physical impact on his abilities in bed and he has always functioned perfectly in a physical sense whether on or off them.

When we do have sex he is a considerate and wonderful lover. He cares that I am enjoying himself. But he just doesn't seem..... enthusiastic. He just isn't driven or really "into it" if you know what I mean. He touches me for ME nt because e actually wants to. He makes no comment and shows zero interest when I'm naked or in underwear. God knows I'm no a pretty sight after 2 cesareans and 2 stone overweight but I'm not that bad. I know husbands who still show their wife desire when their wives aren't physically perfect.

I know I should lose weight but I'm scared to. If I get back into a size ten and he still has no interet that's my last hope gone. And he SAYS my looks are fine and that's nothing to do with it. If the problem is my body I wish he would just be honest because that is something I can actually fix!

I've now basically given up on ever having the vibrant, experimental, fun sex life I want to share with the person I love. I don't want an affair - I don't want random sex with someone I don't care about I want to share the pleasures and intimacies of a physical relationship with the man I love.

I just don't know what to do anymore. It's actually more painful and upsetting limping along having occasional awkward sex than it would be to just stop altogether. At least if we just said "no more sex" I would feel the constant rejection and disappointed hope and expectation.

We have 2 small children. I don't want to end my marriage. He is a great father and a great husband in every other way. He just can't make me happy because he doesn't care about sex and cannot relate to how I feel about it.

Please tell me what to do. I've suggested counselling but I think I would be too ashamed and humiliated to say to someone face to face "my husband isn't attracted to me".

Sorry this is so long. Just needed to vent or otherwise I will be crying at my desk.

Mumsyblouse, we are generally very accommodating to each each others needs in most ways including that. I will get him tea if he is knackered even if I am too. He will give me a foot rub even if he is tired. I will rub his knee (always aches from an op he had) even if I am. We do nice things for each other because we care. It's actually quite equal in my view in terms of that.

As I'm thinking of Offreds post and the whole "autonomy" thing I'm wondering how much of this is me being pissed off not that sex is just "not often enough" but more deeply that it's never on my terms. Only when he wants to and on his terms. so I never get to intimate or feel humiliated when I do he is tangibly reluctant.

And perhaps

Was that to me?!

Jeez if it was to me you have just entirely lost any sympathy I had for you. What a total ignorant and self-centred person you must be.

I was not saying that was what it was I was saying it is one possible and believable explanation which I had repeated many times without acknowledgement and that there were others too which was directed at your view that it couldn't be true.

You really are something else, it isn't offensive to have difficulty as an adult dealing with childhood abuse, it is very, very ignorant and offensive however to make comments like yours.

When my libido is at low ebb I want as much physical contact as ever, if not more. To be held, and have foot rubs, back rubs etc is wonderful and comforting. But if has to be unconnected to sex for it to be beneficial or there is pressure. At our worst times I have avoided contact with DH when I was feeling down and sad because I was afraid any contact would have meant sex. We have been months with hardly a touch or a kiss because I was afraid of what it would lead to and he was nervous of getting too close in case I objected. We would have sex but it would be a verbal agreement rather than a tactile and physical unspoken invitation IYSWIM. Very odd all round.

The bikini thing would have upset me too. But I can see why it was too much for him. If DH stripped off and waggled his todger at me I'd probably back off! Regardless of whether we had already decided to have sex. A fragile libido is an absurd and unpredictable thing.

It seems to me that you are communicating quite well but that maybe you will never find a compromise that suits you. Several times a month isn't exactly a famine but I'll bet that is a compromise on his part.

I hope you manage to find a way through this - I think you sound as if you love and care about him, and vice versa.

offred, I think OP was referring to AmeliaGreys post, she has said yours were helpful

ike1 Wed 15-Aug-12 14:11:38
Thanks AnyFucker and it may not be your point or the OP's but as Fairenuff has pointed out in a very insightful way.. to be confronted by your partner crying and distraught because they feel you are not giving enough sexually or emotionally, when you are actually giving to your capacity, is very damaging to HIS self esteem

Just to clarify, op, I did not say that. I said that it seemed that you were incompatible through no-one's fault.

Ah ok sorry...

Your post is unbelievably demeaning and offensive. Not to me. To my husband. He is not some gibbering basket case just let out of the asylum castrated by his crippling emotional problems!

Quite. Did I say he was?

But you have you spent so much time explaining his history of mental health issues, anxiety, low libido due to medication he's on, and his being abused.

Am I am the wrong thread or have I managed to touch a nerve and you don't like it?

Emotions are running very high on this thread. There are obviously issues that are touching lots of people's experiences.

I feel quite dispassionate about it, because I have never had to deal with any of them (thankfully).

OP, you have a plan with your H. You sound a bit doubtful, but at least you have re-opened a dialogue with him. It sounds like something you could give a try, and report back if you wished. If I were you, I would think this thread was no longer of any assistance and would gracefully withdraw to concentrate on you and your H.

It's up to you though, of course

If not being "fancied" is so hard to live with, good luck to all of you in middle age and beyond. Do you think your husbands/wives will be thinking "phwoar" when you are in late middle age and beyond?

My PILs still enjoy a very healthy sex life well into their 60s. They clearly still fancy each other so suggesting that because you're middle aged means you can't enjoy sex is a load of shite.

need, don't get me wrong, doing nice things for each other is a lovely thing to do, but I did get the impression, perhaps wrongly, in some of your other posts that you do a lot to please your husband (buying him fish! giving him time with his friends, working very long hours, organizing everything) and that you sometimes felt all out of giving and exhausted.

I'm gently suggesting that in fact, saying 'no I'm too tired' and not doing that back-rub every single time might be ok, and you might need to have some conversations about what you really need, in terms of physical touch.

If that's not the case, and you have spare energy and capacity to do those knee-rubs/cuddles/cook, there's no issue.

Oh the useful stuff has been absorbed AF - including your point particularly Offred which I hav ackowledged as very useful info neither if us had considered before and that we are both quite interested in exploring further.

It's mostly entertainment value now ;)

Hi OP, I know how you feel. 3 times a month is as good as it gets for me and it used to be much worse. I'm older 37, but this has gone on in my relationship for 4 years too.
To be honest I don't care about it as much as I used to. :(

Does he use porn by any chance?

Just re reading and spotted:
AnyFucker Tue 14-Aug-12 13:05:29

The thing is though, he can perform, he simply chooses not to, or chooses to entirely on his own terms. I would worry there was a touch of emotional abuse mixed up in all this mess.

I look forward to you suggesting that next time a man mentions his partner seems disinterested in sex.

I think you make good points Mumsy. Very good ones.

After our discussion last night I'm much more optimistic about being able to communicate better if nothing else. And also getting a much better of what the underlying issues are rather than a simple "I don't get enough sex" and "you never want me". I think there may well be concessions or hanges in behavior both of us can make to improve the situation which doesn't mean he is feeling obliged to hav sex when he doesn't really want to. Although he was adamant last night be has never and would never actually have sex with me if he really didn't want to and if he IS Doug it it's because he does want to. If not he will not engage. That too made me feel better.

He never uses porn Framey. Has no interest in it at all. And no reason to hide it (plus he is not computer savvy at all and we share our laptop so I'd know).

I've reported your post, Elizabeth. I think it's the worst post I have ever seen on here. Absolutely disgraceful.

OP you've gone from being very needy to very defensive in the life of this thread.

You've had some very good advice, ranging from sympathy, empathy ( from me many posts back when I explained my 5 yr relationship with a man who was psychologically impotent/ had issues with sex) and support from people who know the effects of ADs on libido, but you don't appear to have taken much of it on board.

TBH sex almost once a week when you have 2 young DCs, a man with MH issues and on meds, is not that bad.

You each have issues- you included with your lack of self worth and how it's tied up with your weight and fear of losing weight.

I predict that if you continue to push your DH for more sex and make it more of an issue than it is now, it will backfire and the relationship will deteriorate even more.

I am not saying you should put up with this for ever. But just back off for a while and stop being so me, me, me. yes?

Bloody hell this thread has gone surreal whose Elizabeth? And why does Fairenuff think anybody would be confused with my post. However I completely agree with hers. Its a case of incompatibility for sure. Gonna have to compromise OP and do alot of listening!! Or get a REALLY stressful job.

OP you've gone from being very needy to very defensive in the life of this thread

It's hardly surprising given some of the trollish responses. If you wouldn't say it to a stranger's face IRL, don't post it.

If you wouldn't say it to a stranger's face IRL, don't post it.

That would wipe out 99% of posts on MN relationships forum

Thing is Mary I would cos mainly I could speak to some degree from the OPs partner's perspective and I had to finish with a partner for exactly this type of stuff...in the end the expectations were too much when you have young kids work and a house to run....

WTH is wrong with people in this thread?! The OP has been very sensible, responsive and listened to people's contributions. She has managed to discuss the issue with her husband and has formed a plan of action.

OP, for what it's worth, you don't come across as needy or defensive. It's weird how some people don't seem to think sexual incompatibility is anything to worry about. I'd like to see them in the same situation!

But there are different, gentler, kinder WAYS of saying the same thing.

I would say exactly the same thing s too having had to end a relationship with a man I l oved dearly, due to his sexual hang ups which we couldn't resolve- and I know my behaviour ( very emotional and demanding) contributed to our break up.

who is Elizabeth ?

onemorechap good on ya for "spotting" one phrase in all the phrases I have employed on this thread and relaying it completely out of context. If it proves a point for you, then all to the good.