First world problem I know - husband just not interested

[needsomeperspective]

I know this is a frequent theme on these boards but I just really need to just get it out.

I've been married nearly 4 years and for at least 3 (well before we had kids) our sex life has been less than amazing. I am the kind of person to whom sex is very very important in a relationship. It cements the bond, oils the wheels, helps with communication, feeling close and feeling loved and wanted. In my opinion it should also be a source of fun, joy and bring a little color, passion and excitement to the mundanities of everyday life, work, domestic drudgery, child are etc.

Unfortunately my husband doesn't feel that way and the state of our sex life is just tearing me apart.

We have sex once a week to once every ten days. When we do I get the feeling that he is reluctant or doing it as a duty. He has actually told me me needs to "work himself up to it".

We argue constantly about this. I have told him that I desperately long for a close, passionate, frequent, fulfilling sex LIFE which runs a thread of intimacy through our marriage NOT just an occasional shag. He says he will "try" but nothing ever changes.

I don't feel sex is something which interests him. In between times he shows no sexual interest in me and if I try to initiate anything by kissing or caressing him he lies there and mostly ignores me and I can almost see him mentally trying to persuade or force himself to make an effort because he knows I will otherwise be upset.

This has got to the point now where my self esteem in shattered. I feel close to tears a lot of the time and like I have a big rock in my chest. If its been a long time since we've had sex I almost hate him.

I'm 34. I can't imagine going through the rest of my life being sexually unfulfilled and feeling unwanted, undesirable. I feel like there is a whole side of marriage, of LIFE that I'm missing out on.

I know some people would be quite content with sex 3 times a month but I'm not. I'm very very unhappy. He knows this.

He is on anti anxiety meds but if anything he is LESS interested in sex when he is not on them because he is then anxious, mean and sometimes violently aggressive. They don't seem to have any physical impact on his abilities in bed and he has always functioned perfectly in a physical sense whether on or off them.

When we do have sex he is a considerate and wonderful lover. He cares that I am enjoying himself. But he just doesn't seem..... enthusiastic. He just isn't driven or really "into it" if you know what I mean. He touches me for ME nt because e actually wants to. He makes no comment and shows zero interest when I'm naked or in underwear. God knows I'm no a pretty sight after 2 cesareans and 2 stone overweight but I'm not that bad. I know husbands who still show their wife desire when their wives aren't physically perfect.

I know I should lose weight but I'm scared to. If I get back into a size ten and he still has no interet that's my last hope gone. And he SAYS my looks are fine and that's nothing to do with it. If the problem is my body I wish he would just be honest because that is something I can actually fix!

I've now basically given up on ever having the vibrant, experimental, fun sex life I want to share with the person I love. I don't want an affair - I don't want random sex with someone I don't care about I want to share the pleasures and intimacies of a physical relationship with the man I love.

I just don't know what to do anymore. It's actually more painful and upsetting limping along having occasional awkward sex than it would be to just stop altogether. At least if we just said "no more sex" I would feel the constant rejection and disappointed hope and expectation.

We have 2 small children. I don't want to end my marriage. He is a great father and a great husband in every other way. He just can't make me happy because he doesn't care about sex and cannot relate to how I feel about it.

Please tell me what to do. I've suggested counselling but I think I would be too ashamed and humiliated to say to someone face to face "my husband isn't attracted to me".

Sorry this is so long. Just needed to vent or otherwise I will be crying at my desk.

We have a similar problem and I've lurked on these threads for a while. By nature it would be very important, regular and varied. I still can't work out if husband is asexual (doesn't seem to be gay) or just very low libido. To begin with I was upset as I thought I wasn't able to turn him on. (it takes a lot to get him in the mood so to speak) and I have to do a lot of effort for not much return. After a lot of talking I realised it's not 'just' me, nothing has that kind of instant effect on him.

I've found hecate's post invaluable. My husband dearly loves me, works incredibly hard. I don't want to break up our family so am working towards acceptance. It doesn't feel right and I am realising that I've got a lot of self esteem tied up in it. (I've put on lots of weight since feeling un-lovable :-() we had similar situations with undressing etc. He just doesn't react as my previous partner (or as I assumed any warm blooded male).

If anything mn has helped in realising I'm not the only one. I try to think that plenty of single friends would love a family or partner (bizarely we're both very fertile. Life isn't at all how I wantit but I've much to be grateful for. Noone in real life would think we had a problem. Both conceived quickly. (followed by no sex until next baby!)

It is really hard.

We are affectionate a lot there are lots of foot rubs and head tickles and pecks on the lips. We say I love you multiple times a day. I very very rarely try to initiate sex now.

He had some counselling but all that seemed to involve was rehashing his abusive childhood. CBT would be great for him but I don't know if we can afford it now. I guess I'd find the money somehow. My problem is I want things to be fixed immediately by waving a magic wand. I know that's impossible but it's been so long now I don't know how much longer I can go on like this.

I'm also terribly terribly afraid he will just say "oh FFS if it means that much to you just fuck off and find someone else". I don't want to leave him or for him to leave me. I love him. I just want this situation to change.

Maybe it's me that needs to CBT to just come to terms with thins being the way they are. Maybe if I can't change the situation I could change the way I look at it. Maybe.

Oh your analogy with travelling really resonated with me. It's something I want to explore more and enjoy as a regular mutual hobby. If husband wasn't interested in travelling I could go theory go with a friend, it would be sad but doable. Exploring sexuality obviously isn't like that and once married the hard thing for me is accepting it's not really an interest I can persue.

I'm not sure there is an answer. I think it's going to be a longing I have but can't be met.

I sometimes kick myself that I married so quickly without realising this. But I do dearly love him there's just a part missing. :-(

Some friends long for a partner or for children and I've been very lucky to have both.

But it sounds as though he has never had a libido which matched yours and yes you could go to counselling now you are married with children but there may not be much you could or should do about this.

I don't think it sounds as though either he or you is the problem, the problem seems to be that both of you chose to marry and have children when your sex drives were very mismatched and it is now making you both unhappy.

I understand you are really upset and frustrated but the idea that men should be expected to be highly sexed makes me as uncomfortable as the idea that women try to avoid sex when they can.

From your initial post it sounds as if you are depressed and you need to find an explanation for something which is basically chemical. I am hoping that this is the explanation as, to be honest, your post would otherwise sound selfish bordering on narcissistic.

You have what, according to just about every survey, is an average sex life and, with two young children, maybe a better than average one. It sounds like your husband is a considerate lover and tries to please you. Now, let's look at things from his perspective (something you do not seem to want to do, hence the narcissism comment from me). You have put on a considerable amount of weight which must at least change his perception of you from a purely physical perspective. Most people within a long term marriage do not feel the same passion as they did when they first met. That is normal. The initial passion is caused by chemicals which fade over time. Best estimates suggest that is about two years, so your husband is unlikely to look at you naked or in underwear and be instantly aroused. That is life. Unless you want to have a series of short term passionate relationships, you have to adapt to that. That does not mean that sex has to be unfulfilling. It can be lovely but will never be the same as in a new relationship. I just do not see anywhere in your post any consideration of how he might feel about sex or your attitude towards it and, by extension, him. A man who just expects sex without any interest in what goes on around it, rightly gets castigated on here. What are you doing to make him feel valued and wanted?

So, for advice. Firstly, examine whether you might be depressed. Crying over your desk when you have a nice life, two healthy children, a husband who respects and loves you and an average sex life is not normal. Nor is an obsession with just one area of life. If you consider that you might be, go and see your GP. Secondly, lose the two stone. Not for him or your sex life but for you, your health and your self respect. Finally, get some hobbies, some sports and build your self esteem in other areas.

I get exacactky what you mean Bean.

The awful thing is he has done so much for me. He left his job, moved to a foreign country, looks after the kids that I wanted us to have, helps out with everything and tries so so hard to be the best husband he can.

And all I can do is moan about this.

I wish I could change myself and just be happy with what we have. I'm so so lucky to have him. He is generous and kind and hardworking and loves me so much. This isn't fair on him. But I can't help the way I feel.

I'm sure he must think I'm an ungrateful bitch. Perhaps he is right.

I sympathise massively. DH had a couple of years with very low libido (physical/mental issues) and it was very difficult.
I remember feeling very selfish yet very angry. As you say, even when he does something nice I would think, I don't care about that I just want you to want me.
It wasn't the lack of sex that most upset me, it was, as you suggest too, the lack of desire. I wouldn't have minded if we couldn't have sex if he still desired me/it but he didn't. He would just look through me if i was naked, and me using a vibrator next to him would have petrified him!
I think you have to tell him how distressed you are. Maybe he would see the gp about it. Low libido can be the side effect of lots of conditions. I think sport would help too (sorry I know that's not the advice you want) and then just wait and see....

That wasn't directed at you Alurkatsoftplay!

I like the sport idea.

I think I'm just going to try to completely forget about sex and take it off the table. Rather than making him nice meals and trying to create some intimacy in the evenings I will take myself off to the gym, lose the baby weight and just focus on myself for a while. I'm burning myself out here and it's just making everything worse for both of us.

We tried "date nights" but he wasnt keen and if I didn't make the effort he never bothered.

Maybe time for some date nights with myself.

Op you are not wrong, but neither is he. You sound committed but mismatched on this one element of your marriage and it may be something you can work through in counselling, maybe specialist sex counselling.

I also think maybe you need to take the pressure off yourself and him by stopping having sex while you work through the problem because it seems to really be affecting your self esteem.

"get a hobby" is stupid advice...

wow

Oh it is a horrible situation. And all the usual sex advice; wear nice lingerie, massage, weekend away, lube etc, etc, really doesn't work. It makes it worse because you don't want them going thru the motions...

I have to say if he has always been like this, then it suggests not much room for change. I spose he doesn't wank does he. Hes Just not interested at all. That's tough.

And there is this whole body of thought, even on mumsnet that men are up for it all the time. That makes things worse.

Try and concentrate on yourself, as offred says, take the pressure off both of you and see how you feel in a couple of months...

you talk about how much effort you are making - i think that could be the problem, really i do. Divert your energies, take the pressure off, and i think things will fall into place for both of you

Hi just thought I'd give you a few things to try
In my humble oppinion I think you need to be able to take the pressure off (you both) and communicate.

I would- get the kids out for a few hours and chat with dp about what you both want- not just sex but life etc (therefore discussing it as part of something not the whole)

Then I would work on parts of your sexual experience.
Firstly if he is up for trying to improve things (I'd sell it as improving the sessions/ intimacy and not focus on frequency)

I would say that for 2 weeks you will not have sex- not at all. No masturbation or anything.
Dress in private- as in don't see each other naked etc. Go for meals- etc then after the 2 weeks the ban is lifted but keep the dressing thing for a while and ask him if he can instigate sex once in the following week (but as much extra as he wants)

Then get the kids out and re evaluate the whole month that has passed- evaluate on the intimacy, experience, frequency, etc etc

Sound like a plan?

Also please don't feel the need to apologise for your needs- they are equally important to those of your husband

No, no wanking. Just not bothered.

I agree with what you're saying lucyellensmum.

While I was pregnant (2 back to back) I let it go. No sex for nearly 4 months over the last trimester and after DD 2. I just hoped that now both are sleeping thru te night AND we have help at home with the children now finally we could focus on us as a couple and on enjoying each other and getting to know each other and be properly intimate again. But apparently not.

I will give up on it and try to focus on other things - particularly getting fit and healthy and maybe spending more time on the other relationships in my life and try to find fulfillment there. As I said I truly think it would be easier to just not have sex or even think about it than be constantly hoping we can get back some of the passion of the early months we were together.

Thanks for all your advice. Much appreciated.

Worst thing you can do is go on a dirty weekend IMHO too much pressure

really sounds like he is a closeted gay, if all his exes had the same issue.

Don't think for a minute that it's your fault. Before DH and I got married, we each had partners who "went off" of us. Both of us had such a grim experience with it that we are dedicated to NOT having that issue ever again. (And fingers crossed we won't...)

With my exP (who I lived with), it was exactly the same as with your DH. For me, there was no way around it. It really gnaws at your self-esteem. IME, it's a serious sign of other problems in the relationship. If he refuses to go to counselling with you, I hate to say, but I'd be hesitant to continue in the marriage. Sex is a very serious part of the relationship, but more than that, as you say, it's intimacy. As young as you are, you should not be stuck in a relationship like this.

I was relieved when my exP left - I thought he had stopped fancying me because I'd gained a bit of weight, when really he'd fallen out of love completely. It freed me up to find someone who really appreciated me. I understand your situation is very different as you are married and have two DCs, but I'm glad to see you're not taking it lightly.

I'd ask him to go to couples/ sexual counselling with me, and if he refuses... then think through your options. Let him know you're serious. IME his behaviour exposes something else seriously wrong in the relationship. Good luck.

What the hell likeatonne? Why should a man with a historically low libido be a "closeted gay" can men not have low libido then? FFS.

I really don't think he is gay. Surely he would have performance issues with me if that was the case?

Agree about the pressure thing on a weekend away. I WOULD be expecting something. We had a night away when I was pregnant - left our DD1 with family and it was lovely but once again I was so so very sad that he wasn't the slightest bit interested in sex. Not even foreplay or any kind of intimacy. I ate chocolate pudding instead. And I wonder why I'm so fat!

Ineedsomeperspective, I was pleased to see your fiery comeback because larrygryll's post was just stupid. glad you didn't take any of it to heart. by the way, it is completely obvious to anyone who has read your posts that you do care very much about your dh's feelings and point of view. I hope you work this out, I don't have any advice as I am not good with this sort of thing but you sound like a very clever, sensitive person and I wish you all the best.

need - I am going to offer you my own perspective, so I am saying from the outset that this is definitely written through the filter of personal experience, it doesn't apply to every situation, but it was mine.

My ex-DH and I had our own, quite similar, issues around sex. I wanted it, but he didn't, and when we did do it, I felt like I wasn't there - he was not able to connect with me. I did what a lot of people do: tried to marry the problem away. And there we were, on our honeymoon, me on the bed reading a book, him lying next to me sleeping. I was deeply, deeply sad, frustrated, angry, confused. It was a shitty time.

There were other issues too, most notably his anger, and he was also on medication for a MH diagnosis. It wasn't the medication that was at the core of our problems; it was a red herring. We were simply not compatible with each other (and not just sexually), and as soon as I had the courage to look at that with him, things changed. It became clear I couldn't live like this - and neither should he, for that matter.

We didn't stay together. I asked for a divorce, which we co-operated on. I took some time out after we had separated, threw myself into therapy, then several months later went internet dating and had some incredible experiences - one of them mind-blowing, several of them a lesson in what I didn't want, all of them without regret.

I am now single and living with my DS; my exDH and I get on very well and share very co-operative parenting; I am still on a voyage of discovery as far as sex and sexuality is concerned, and all the more happy and liberated for it.

Sometimes staying in a situation just does not work, because it is never going to work.

All the best, OP.

Being gay is about being sexually attracted to men not not wanting to have frequent sex with your wife/gfs.

If women have low libido no-one says "she really sounds like a closeted gay"...