Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Flexible and made to last.

Meet the Other Phone.
Flexible and made to last.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

First world problem I know - husband just not interested

423 replies

needsomeperspective · 14/08/2012 07:09

I know this is a frequent theme on these boards but I just really need to just get it out.

I've been married nearly 4 years and for at least 3 (well before we had kids) our sex life has been less than amazing. I am the kind of person to whom sex is very very important in a relationship. It cements the bond, oils the wheels, helps with communication, feeling close and feeling loved and wanted. In my opinion it should also be a source of fun, joy and bring a little color, passion and excitement to the mundanities of everyday life, work, domestic drudgery, child are etc.

Unfortunately my husband doesn't feel that way and the state of our sex life is just tearing me apart.

We have sex once a week to once every ten days. When we do I get the feeling that he is reluctant or doing it as a duty. He has actually told me me needs to "work himself up to it".

We argue constantly about this. I have told him that I desperately long for a close, passionate, frequent, fulfilling sex LIFE which runs a thread of intimacy through our marriage NOT just an occasional shag. He says he will "try" but nothing ever changes.

I don't feel sex is something which interests him. In between times he shows no sexual interest in me and if I try to initiate anything by kissing or caressing him he lies there and mostly ignores me and I can almost see him mentally trying to persuade or force himself to make an effort because he knows I will otherwise be upset.

This has got to the point now where my self esteem in shattered. I feel close to tears a lot of the time and like I have a big rock in my chest. If its been a long time since we've had sex I almost hate him.

I'm 34. I can't imagine going through the rest of my life being sexually unfulfilled and feeling unwanted, undesirable. I feel like there is a whole side of marriage, of LIFE that I'm missing out on.

I know some people would be quite content with sex 3 times a month but I'm not. I'm very very unhappy. He knows this.

He is on anti anxiety meds but if anything he is LESS interested in sex when he is not on them because he is then anxious, mean and sometimes violently aggressive. They don't seem to have any physical impact on his abilities in bed and he has always functioned perfectly in a physical sense whether on or off them.

When we do have sex he is a considerate and wonderful lover. He cares that I am enjoying himself. But he just doesn't seem..... enthusiastic. He just isn't driven or really "into it" if you know what I mean. He touches me for ME nt because e actually wants to. He makes no comment and shows zero interest when I'm naked or in underwear. God knows I'm no a pretty sight after 2 cesareans and 2 stone overweight but I'm not that bad. I know husbands who still show their wife desire when their wives aren't physically perfect.

I know I should lose weight but I'm scared to. If I get back into a size ten and he still has no interet that's my last hope gone. And he SAYS my looks are fine and that's nothing to do with it. If the problem is my body I wish he would just be honest because that is something I can actually fix!

I've now basically given up on ever having the vibrant, experimental, fun sex life I want to share with the person I love. I don't want an affair - I don't want random sex with someone I don't care about I want to share the pleasures and intimacies of a physical relationship with the man I love.

I just don't know what to do anymore. It's actually more painful and upsetting limping along having occasional awkward sex than it would be to just stop altogether. At least if we just said "no more sex" I would feel the constant rejection and disappointed hope and expectation.

We have 2 small children. I don't want to end my marriage. He is a great father and a great husband in every other way. He just can't make me happy because he doesn't care about sex and cannot relate to how I feel about it.

Please tell me what to do. I've suggested counselling but I think I would be too ashamed and humiliated to say to someone face to face "my husband isn't attracted to me".

Sorry this is so long. Just needed to vent or otherwise I will be crying at my desk.

OP posts:
Lucyellensmum99 · 15/08/2012 15:29

Fck me has caused the rage virus infested mumsnet ?

Lucyellensmum99 · 15/08/2012 15:30

Fucking phone!!! Has the rage virus infested mumsnet!!

AnyFucker · 15/08/2012 15:32

I think some peg-lovin' might be in order. What say you, LEM ?

< in joke >

ike1 · 15/08/2012 15:41

Oh well whatever...sure the OP will either choose to:
end it
have an affair
or have some empathy and listen.

Lucyellensmum99 · 15/08/2012 15:47

Spread the love that's what i say i suggest the op looks to her laundry for inspiration it could make all the difference

AnyFucker · 15/08/2012 15:51

nah, I reckon all the people giving her a hard time should look to their laundry Smile

Original poster
needsomeperspective · 15/08/2012 15:55

Ike - I HAVE young kids work and a house to run! We share all of that pretty much equally except I work FT and him PT. neither of us are run into the ground compared to some people. We have a live in Nanny and cleaner. Our kids sleep 13 hours a night without a peep without fail.

Maybe you were a put upon unappreciated skivvy left exhausted at the end of a days hard labour and then sexually molested constantly by your other half. That would explain your massive projection. But I can assure you my husband is not.

OP posts:
ImperialBlether · 15/08/2012 15:57

OP, I hate to say this, but do you feel in any way that your husband's response to you sexually is his way of keeping you in your place?

You are clearly very successful and articulate and determined. All fantastic things. Is he feeling that he's none of those things? You said he's working part time and has been caring for the children. I think you said he didn't really want to be doing that. Is he resentful of you?

Lucyellensmum99 · 15/08/2012 15:58

Well my washing is on the line. Its raining i hope dp who is working from home hassles bought it in else there will be no pegging for him!!

GhouliaYelps · 15/08/2012 16:08

Didn't you say he fucked you the night you took off your bikini though?Just not on the way you wanted him to so you were still pissed off at him?

I am loosing track a bit. But wow - high maintainance doesn't begin to cover it. I really feel for your husband actially - despite the ivy league or whatever education and glorious career you sound highly emotionally needy and, just overly analytical about everything. It's sad because you could have a lovely life if you took a different perspective.

Original poster
needsomeperspective · 15/08/2012 16:09

Possibly imperialblether (fcking iphone - not leather!!!!)

I don't think that's a conscious thing if so. Maybe the point others have made about him feeling slightly emasculated also feeds into it. It's difficult to know how to change that though because I will always earn several times what he can so it's unlikely to change. I'm also very careful to never make him feel emasculated in daily life - hence getting help with the child care and encouraging him to get more work and give him more time for the home improvement projecs which he revels in and which give him a great sense of pride and achievement.

I have to say this is one of the only areas where he is in a position of control and has me at a disadvantage. Through necessity I manage the finances and he always delegates the decision making to me, although I have tried to push back with a lot of that. He is ex military and admits he is used to and happiest "taking orders". Perhaps this is an area where he gets to set the pace and he likes it that way. I don't know. Maybe that's reading too much into things. Warrants further thought perhaps.

OP posts:
Mumsyblouse · 15/08/2012 16:13

needs I found that when my husband swapped roles with me and started doing child-care and part-time work, although in some ways he was relieved to have a break from his career, and although he was very supportive of me achieving in mine, it did do funny things to the power balance in the relationship.

I don't think it's always as obvious as 'he feels emasculated', it's usually more complex (we are all complex people) but it is worth thinking about. Since my husband has gone back to his full-on career, he's much happier, so much of this stuff must have been sub-conscious.

Original poster
needsomeperspective · 15/08/2012 16:14

Oh I DO have a lovely life Ghoulia. I just get crazy when I don't get a lot of sex.

My mood today is completely and utterly different to yesterday. It's an absolute visceral physical turnaround as soon as I've had sex. Over the days / weeks the feeling of frustration, anger, emotional turmoil and stress builds to boiling point. Maturbation makes no difference but as soon as I've had sex - pouf. It's like puncturing a balloon or letting steam out of a pressure cooker. I've been like it since I was 17. I've no idea why. It's absolutely fundamental to my character.

Apparently my father is exactly the same (tmi mum!!!!).

OP posts:
GhouliaYelps · 15/08/2012 16:21

Wow. I have heard that before though, a friend described her husband almost word for word your last post. Like an absolute necessity like breathing, she also said it was hereditary on his side of the family.

I am glad you enjoy your life though otherwise... I hope you work things out.

AnyFucker · 15/08/2012 16:31

that does sound scary, OP

I like sex, but don't need it to that degree

that's a lot of pressure to put on both of you

It may have been said upthread, but as well as all the other stuff you are putting in place with your H, could you find some other ways to relieve stress ? Sex isn't the only way, it really isn't. To get all "gender reverse" on yo' ass (the first time for me on this thread) if a bloke said that to me I would tell him to get a grip (of it).

MarysBeard · 15/08/2012 16:33

Perhaps you need to get better at masturbating :)

CuriousMama · 15/08/2012 16:36

Lovehoney's a good sight for toys.

Do you think there's any chance you have a sex addiction op?

CuriousMama · 15/08/2012 16:36

site for toys!

ike1 · 15/08/2012 16:41

...'sexually molested' oh dear.... Nope, it was incompatibility and sometimes one person has to say 'enough', nobody is getting what they want-no point in crying and carrying on. Well OP I hope you get what you 'deserve' either way.

Well in fairness AF you have held back admirably, but I guess others have seen the not so 'empathetic' side of the OP early on and called her on it. Which she did not like.

ike1 · 15/08/2012 16:42

I was gonna suggest sex toys but the OP wants the whole shebang emotional exciting sex all the time.

AnyFucker · 15/08/2012 16:56

I haven't really held back, ike

I find all the "oh you would give a totally different answer if this were a man" posting really tiresome, in the abstract sense

But I think the OP can take some honesty meant kindly on a specific mindset she has, and I don't think (personally) all of it has been meant kindly so far

ameliagrey · 15/08/2012 17:12

I think the long and the short of this is that the OP is an Alpha woman, and her Dh is a Beta male.

It sounds OP as if you want an Alpha male- to slam you on your back and give you a good seeing to- every day- and what you've got is a man who has a lot of emotional baggage, is happier at home working p/t and doing childcare, delegating fiances to you (I can't see why he can't do those even though you earn more).

You've only been together for 3 years- why did you marry him in the first place? What's changed?

ike1 · 15/08/2012 17:22

It might be tiresome in the abstract but it is the truth and because the OP can be blunt she should indeed appreciate bluntness back so its an equal exchange of opinion!

Maslow's hierachy of need does indeed have sex as one of the components that make a happy life. But it is not as important as breathing! And the OP is getting sex, just not as often as she wants, or how she wants it. Fine but it may not tally with her husbands 'needs'. As such it is important for him not to be harassed into agreeing to another's demands.

ike1 · 15/08/2012 17:26

Which is why as repeated by many others: listening, holding back and discussing instead of crying, stripping off and demanding are the best ways forward.

BurtNo · 15/08/2012 17:29

i don't get the impression that the OP is demanding an alpha male or a different kind of sex - i got the sense that she feels her OP is a bit distant during sex - so she wants the same level of intimacy that they have outside the bedroom inside the bedroom