First world problem I know - husband just not interested

[needsomeperspective]

I know this is a frequent theme on these boards but I just really need to just get it out.

I've been married nearly 4 years and for at least 3 (well before we had kids) our sex life has been less than amazing. I am the kind of person to whom sex is very very important in a relationship. It cements the bond, oils the wheels, helps with communication, feeling close and feeling loved and wanted. In my opinion it should also be a source of fun, joy and bring a little color, passion and excitement to the mundanities of everyday life, work, domestic drudgery, child are etc.

Unfortunately my husband doesn't feel that way and the state of our sex life is just tearing me apart.

We have sex once a week to once every ten days. When we do I get the feeling that he is reluctant or doing it as a duty. He has actually told me me needs to "work himself up to it".

We argue constantly about this. I have told him that I desperately long for a close, passionate, frequent, fulfilling sex LIFE which runs a thread of intimacy through our marriage NOT just an occasional shag. He says he will "try" but nothing ever changes.

I don't feel sex is something which interests him. In between times he shows no sexual interest in me and if I try to initiate anything by kissing or caressing him he lies there and mostly ignores me and I can almost see him mentally trying to persuade or force himself to make an effort because he knows I will otherwise be upset.

This has got to the point now where my self esteem in shattered. I feel close to tears a lot of the time and like I have a big rock in my chest. If its been a long time since we've had sex I almost hate him.

I'm 34. I can't imagine going through the rest of my life being sexually unfulfilled and feeling unwanted, undesirable. I feel like there is a whole side of marriage, of LIFE that I'm missing out on.

I know some people would be quite content with sex 3 times a month but I'm not. I'm very very unhappy. He knows this.

He is on anti anxiety meds but if anything he is LESS interested in sex when he is not on them because he is then anxious, mean and sometimes violently aggressive. They don't seem to have any physical impact on his abilities in bed and he has always functioned perfectly in a physical sense whether on or off them.

When we do have sex he is a considerate and wonderful lover. He cares that I am enjoying himself. But he just doesn't seem..... enthusiastic. He just isn't driven or really "into it" if you know what I mean. He touches me for ME nt because e actually wants to. He makes no comment and shows zero interest when I'm naked or in underwear. God knows I'm no a pretty sight after 2 cesareans and 2 stone overweight but I'm not that bad. I know husbands who still show their wife desire when their wives aren't physically perfect.

I know I should lose weight but I'm scared to. If I get back into a size ten and he still has no interet that's my last hope gone. And he SAYS my looks are fine and that's nothing to do with it. If the problem is my body I wish he would just be honest because that is something I can actually fix!

I've now basically given up on ever having the vibrant, experimental, fun sex life I want to share with the person I love. I don't want an affair - I don't want random sex with someone I don't care about I want to share the pleasures and intimacies of a physical relationship with the man I love.

I just don't know what to do anymore. It's actually more painful and upsetting limping along having occasional awkward sex than it would be to just stop altogether. At least if we just said "no more sex" I would feel the constant rejection and disappointed hope and expectation.

We have 2 small children. I don't want to end my marriage. He is a great father and a great husband in every other way. He just can't make me happy because he doesn't care about sex and cannot relate to how I feel about it.

Please tell me what to do. I've suggested counselling but I think I would be too ashamed and humiliated to say to someone face to face "my husband isn't attracted to me".

Sorry this is so long. Just needed to vent or otherwise I will be crying at my desk.

I am sorry you are feeling like this. I'm afraid I have no sensible advice but will pm you later as am off out now.

Take care.

You sound like my best friend. She has the same issue. She is gorgeous, kind, generous, beautiful,fun, great company, is fit, caring and has a loving husband. But is also unhappy with her sex life. It's not you, its his issue. But I understand it wrecks your self esteem. I am sure someone will be along with wise words. Bit concerned about the 'violently aggressive' comment though...does he have other problems? Is it something you should expose your children to?

I think it is disgusting that you felt that you had to put 'first world problem' in your title and the people on here who have pushed that shitty bit of bitchyness to the point where someone like you, with a serious and genuine problem that they need and deserve help with, feels like they have to excuse themselves ought to be ashamed of themselves

I am really very angry about that indeed.

Do you and your husband talk about this? Does he care that it upsets you? He doesn't need to understand WHY you feel the way you do. He just needs to understand that you do.

I am in a similar situation. I have been married 14 years and the last time we had sex was december of 2000. 12 years. Although he is affectionate and tells me he loves me all the time - he just isn't interested in intercourse.

That's different from not being affectionate or loving. Some people just aren't interested (asexual) and they can't help that. But they can and should care how their partner feels about it. They can make you feel loved in many ways other than putting their penis in you. It is the emotion of it that matters, I know. Self esteem all tied up with being wanted and desired and no matter how many times they tell you it's not you, it's them - you don't believe it.

You and your husband should go for counselling. You have nothing to be embarrassed about. Your husband isn't interested in sex. That's not you. That's him.

And it's a counsellor. Who is there to help you. Who you will never see again. it's not like you'll be socialising with them afterwards.

What Hecate said, all of it.

Just had another quick look before heading out. Second what Hecate says. This thread makes me feel so sad.

Also having a very low libido could be a medical problem and he needs to get that ruled out too.

Thanks fr replying.

I'm just at the point now where I want to stop trying. Take all the time and energy I've been pouring into trying to make our marriage good and improve our intimacy and use it on something else. I spend half my time thinking of new ways to try to make things better - should we spend more "quality time" together? Should I dress better, make more effort? Do I need to try to make him feel more confident, more loved?

The other half I spend feeling miserable and drawing into my shell.

The other month I ran him an bath with candles and gave him a full body massage with a happy ending to try to make him feel loved and that sex could be just about him and his enjoyment. But have had not a whiff of a reciprocal evening for me.

We have a pool in our back garden and the last time we had discussed an evening just for us we were swimming with a glass of wine. I took my bikini top off and he just completely ignored me. I felt so humiliated and embarrassed.

After I'd had the babies I bought some nice underwear because I'd started to feel sexy again finally having got rid of the bump. It was so mortifying. I'd dress up nicely and we would go out for dinner but when we got back he didn't so much a comment or look at me in my new regalia. I felt so ashamed and sad. So I don't do that sort of thing any more.

He implies earlier in the day that he is in the mood for that evening so I would shower, shave, put nice body lotion on and get into bed naked and then he just reads his book while I lie there feeling like the biggest idiot in the world.

It breaks my heart. I feel so ugly and unwanted.

Lack of Libido is a well documented side effect of Anti-anxiety medication. So maybe it isn't about you. There are obviously issues that he has sought help for. Not sure why this is a first world problem - i don't understand that.

Try not to take it personally, but maybe talk to him about his feelings about it - it could really be the ADs, i am a once a day type of girl myself and when i was on ADs, poor DP had an aching wrist im sure! He was very understanding as he just wanted me to get better. I'm not on ADs now, and am much better with my anxiety etc, but stress is garunteeds to put me right off. Please don't put him under pressure as it will backfire, I totally understand where you are coming from, but i worry that you are not seeing it from his perspective. Which i am sure would be the advice given to a man on here if he posted your OP. (well actually i am sure there would have been a lot of moral outrage about pushing his wife, who suffers from anxiety and has two young children into more sex than she is able to give at that time).

With regards to him being able to perform on ADs, i was the same (obviously less onus on performance bein a woman) but I found that when i did do it, my orgasms were AMAZING! What AD is he taking?

ooh, my post seems unsympathetic, it isn't meat to be - just looking for another perspective as you are, understandably, taking it personally (who wouldn't) when it really has nothing to do with lack of desire. Is he otherwise loving? Maybe you could install a no sex rule but have it that there has to be lots of intimacy and touching, see how that goes?

Have you told him how unhappy it's making you? I think sometimes in a marriage or long term relationship you get stuck in a routine and a rut an it's hard to get out of it. Do you ever go away for the weekend together? Just you and him no kids? I find when my own libido suffers DH and I need to go back to being just 'us' for a few days, minus the baby, the house, our work, the Internet etc.

Sorry if it's completely past this now, we have the opposite problem, since I had DD my DH can't keep his hands to himself whereas I tend to be the cold one.

The aggressive thing is a red herring. He suffers from an anxiety disorder and when he wasn't taking his mess he was pretty unpleasant to live with but he is 100% fine now when it comes to that. His mental health is well under control I think - unless this is another manifestation of that.

But as I said he is actually BETTER on his pills when it comes to intimacy than he is off them.

I suspect this has been a problem in his other relationships. All his exes cheated on him which I think is abhorrent but a tiny part of me can understand why they might have been tempted to do so if he was the same with them as he is with me. The desire to be wanted is so very overwhelming. But I just don't want anyone else.

The saddest thing is I was in a relationship like this once before for 6 years. After I finally plucked up the courage to leave I swore id never allow myself to be in that kind of position again as it made me so so unhappy and my self esteem was destroyed. But here I am.

When I first met my husband I thought "wow! This is amazing! Finally I've found someone who is as passionate and sexually driven as I am." so I kind of feel I've been misled. I ended up with someone totally different to the man I originally met when it comes to this. I feel cheated.

Do you talk about it? Have you told him exactly how you feel and explained that it is about feeling loved and wanted?

I know what you mean about feeling cheated. The times I used to look at him and think how DARE you marry me and then do this to me. You had no right at all.

It can destroy you.

If he cares, then there is hope. If you have talked and he doesn't give a shit - there is none.

Im sorry to suggest this. But, is there a chance that he might be gay?

Do you think it could be a vicious circle, as in he knows how much you want to have a great sex life, how important it is, how often you want it and he just feels a bit under pressure and so you don't have sex very often?

This happened with my dp and he came and spoke to me and said he could sense I was deeply unhappy with our sex life as it wasn't often but he just couldn't get himself to make a move as he knew I was waiting.

In the end, I stopped the pressure (unspoken and spoken) and now it's much better. I'm not blaming you at all by the way, genuinely know how shit you feel and want to offer advice on what happened to me x

Lucyellensmum - I didn't think your post wa unsympathetic at all.

I understand what you're saying. An if this was a short term thing - like a breast feeding mum going off sex for a few months I could live with it. But it's been going on for years.

Even on our honeymoon I was so excited about having a week jut the two of us in a gorgeous hotel and having nothing to do but have passionate sex every day. We had sex twice. On our honeymoon. I felt so so upset.

I know the more I pressure him the worse it will get but I can't seem to help it. I'm beginning to hate him sometimes and care less and less about his feelings and reasons for the way he is. I'm so desperate and sad that I can see no way I can ever have a full and satisfying love life and I blame him for it very much. I KNOW he can't help it but I hate him for making me feel this way and it poisons everything when I can't get it out of my head.

We have two beautiful children and a lovely life but this just casts a shadow over it all.

The other night I went out with a girlfriend and I was out until 5am chatting to her. It was very selfish of me to behave that way but I wonder if subconsciously I wanted him to fear I was with another man to try and stir some feeling of his wanting me. Isn't that pathetic?

I feel pathetic most of the time. When we talk about it I weep tears of humiliation and shame that I'm having to discuss with my own husband his lack of interest.

I know I shouldn't pressure him but I can't help it. I am getting close to the end of my teacher. Nothing will change. Nothing ever has no matter hat I say or do. I can't go on like this.

X posted, I see it's been going on for years. Have you discussed have sexual counselling, would he go?

Maybe we should go away for a weekend without the kids. I don't know.

But if we did and nothing happened I would feel squashed flat all over again.

Maybe I should just stop hoping and trying and just focus on myself and the kids.

The problem is I can't appreciate any of the other wonderful things he does - all the help round the house, how great he is with the kids, the affection and kindnesses because I would trade his doing DIY or running around domestically or even him working for a decent sex life. He can give me everything except the thing I need the most. And if I was a different person I'd be blissfully happy with him.

Maybe I should look at ways to try to get rid of my own sex drive and we could be happy. That's one of the reasons I haven't been workin hard enough at getting rid of the baby weight becaus if I got fit again my sex drive would skyrocket and that would make things even worse and maybe even tempt me into contemplating getting attention elsewhere which I do not want at all.

He probably would go to counselling.

He does care how I feel

He does try.

But it's the fact that he has to "try" which is so mortifying. I want him to look forward to sex and love it not endure it or "try" to want me.

If he has always been this, this is his level of libido, i wonder if it is going to be very difficult for him to change. I know women who are like this, they just don't like sex and they make a face if people talk about having sex once a month!!!

Has he ever had any counselling for his anxiety - he was obviously brave enough to ask for help from docs to get the ADs so maybe he could talk to them about some counselling, im am starting CBT in a few weeks time as my anxiety never really went completely despite the ADs and now im not on them, im struggling, cant stay on drugs for ever though. It might be soemthing he can talk about.

You must be desperate if you are getting on the end of your teacher!!! But seriously, have you told him this is a potential deal breaker for you? Maybe you should - it might make him think and want to do something about it. To me, i think sex four times a month is actually ok (i like it more than that and when me and DP get lazy or just plain knackered i do feel less cose to him and unhappy) So maybe you both need to compromise? If he was affectionate but not leading to sex in between times, would this be better for you?

Why do you take that personally though? Maybe he's always been like that? How old is he?

My DP, at the time of our arguments about sex, said why do people always think all men are sex addicts, always up for it? We're not! Made me think a bit.

I think that OP needs to look at her relationship rather than necessarily the lack of sex. What is she doing to make her husband feel special and wanted, rather than just badgering him for sex. Why is the OP self esteem so deeply linked with the number of times she has a shag a month.

It is hard when two people have different expectations. Has the OP DH tried CBT or possibly different medication?

I think he has always been like it.

It probably isn't me.

4 times a month is not "no sex". Many women would be happy with 20 mins of vanilla sex 4 times a month.

I'm not one of them.

We just aren't compatible.

I want to be experimental, I want to try new things, explore my sexuality with my husband, to have sex be a fun and frequent recreational activity shared between us. He doesn't.

It's the same as if I loved travelling to exotic places and trying the unusual food and seeing the sights where as he is happy to sit on the sofa and have beans on toast every night. I want to metaphorically travel the world and he thinks a trip to Tesco once a week is enough time out of the house.

I know I can't make him be like me. But I jut wish he was. I'm sure he wishes I was more like him.

But I feel like I am compromising on something hugely important to me and a part of life which matters to me is slipping away along with my youth.

I think it's a very common misconception that all men want lots of sex do if you have one that doesn't then it's easy to feel like its your fault, but it's not this issue is clearly all his and he needs to seek help, if not for his own sake but for yours and your marriage. Your relationship won't last if you have hidden resentment and it's clear that you do, I'm so sorry to hear that about your honeymoon I don't think a weekend away will fix this.

One of my main bug bears about DH us that we can't passionately kiss or hug anymore without him trying to lead it to sex so a lot of intimacy is lost now, perhaps your DH feels this way. What if you strip it all back to basics, go on dates, text each other when yous aren't together telling each other how much you are in live. Go on dates, get him to pick you up, drip you off, kiss you goodnight at the door. Hold hands, hug each other, lie together on the sofa, go park somewhere in the car and have a nice snogging session.

It might help him to know that your not sitting eagerly waiting for it. Kiss him passionately goodnight and walk away.

Hope that make sense.

Sorry for the spelling in using my phone

I think you need to stop making it about you! It is HIS problem, i am sure you are just lovely. I was a size 10 when i met my DP (albeit 20 years ago) am now a size 20 and i still feel sexy (in fact i feel sexier as im more confident about sex than anything else). DP has put on weight too, but i just don't see it, to me he is just the same as when i met him. I am willing to bet your DH thinks you are beautiful.

You talk about making it pleasurable for him (to try and encourage etc) which is lovely, but what about being more blatant - telling/showing him that you need pleasure too. Maybe have him do things for you, that doesn't lead to intercourse (i think we all know what i mean ), see how that goes? Buy a vibrator, use it on yourself in front of him (i don't think you'll be solo for long on that one!) Maybe push your own bounderies a bit, treat it as an adventure for both of you?

I think you have tried really really hard, but it all seems to be about making YOU desirable to him and thats not working, and i suspect it is because you are already really desirable to him anyway.

I really hope you manage to sort this out