First world problem I know - husband just not interested

[needsomeperspective]

I know this is a frequent theme on these boards but I just really need to just get it out.

I've been married nearly 4 years and for at least 3 (well before we had kids) our sex life has been less than amazing. I am the kind of person to whom sex is very very important in a relationship. It cements the bond, oils the wheels, helps with communication, feeling close and feeling loved and wanted. In my opinion it should also be a source of fun, joy and bring a little color, passion and excitement to the mundanities of everyday life, work, domestic drudgery, child are etc.

Unfortunately my husband doesn't feel that way and the state of our sex life is just tearing me apart.

We have sex once a week to once every ten days. When we do I get the feeling that he is reluctant or doing it as a duty. He has actually told me me needs to "work himself up to it".

We argue constantly about this. I have told him that I desperately long for a close, passionate, frequent, fulfilling sex LIFE which runs a thread of intimacy through our marriage NOT just an occasional shag. He says he will "try" but nothing ever changes.

I don't feel sex is something which interests him. In between times he shows no sexual interest in me and if I try to initiate anything by kissing or caressing him he lies there and mostly ignores me and I can almost see him mentally trying to persuade or force himself to make an effort because he knows I will otherwise be upset.

This has got to the point now where my self esteem in shattered. I feel close to tears a lot of the time and like I have a big rock in my chest. If its been a long time since we've had sex I almost hate him.

I'm 34. I can't imagine going through the rest of my life being sexually unfulfilled and feeling unwanted, undesirable. I feel like there is a whole side of marriage, of LIFE that I'm missing out on.

I know some people would be quite content with sex 3 times a month but I'm not. I'm very very unhappy. He knows this.

He is on anti anxiety meds but if anything he is LESS interested in sex when he is not on them because he is then anxious, mean and sometimes violently aggressive. They don't seem to have any physical impact on his abilities in bed and he has always functioned perfectly in a physical sense whether on or off them.

When we do have sex he is a considerate and wonderful lover. He cares that I am enjoying himself. But he just doesn't seem..... enthusiastic. He just isn't driven or really "into it" if you know what I mean. He touches me for ME nt because e actually wants to. He makes no comment and shows zero interest when I'm naked or in underwear. God knows I'm no a pretty sight after 2 cesareans and 2 stone overweight but I'm not that bad. I know husbands who still show their wife desire when their wives aren't physically perfect.

I know I should lose weight but I'm scared to. If I get back into a size ten and he still has no interet that's my last hope gone. And he SAYS my looks are fine and that's nothing to do with it. If the problem is my body I wish he would just be honest because that is something I can actually fix!

I've now basically given up on ever having the vibrant, experimental, fun sex life I want to share with the person I love. I don't want an affair - I don't want random sex with someone I don't care about I want to share the pleasures and intimacies of a physical relationship with the man I love.

I just don't know what to do anymore. It's actually more painful and upsetting limping along having occasional awkward sex than it would be to just stop altogether. At least if we just said "no more sex" I would feel the constant rejection and disappointed hope and expectation.

We have 2 small children. I don't want to end my marriage. He is a great father and a great husband in every other way. He just can't make me happy because he doesn't care about sex and cannot relate to how I feel about it.

Please tell me what to do. I've suggested counselling but I think I would be too ashamed and humiliated to say to someone face to face "my husband isn't attracted to me".

Sorry this is so long. Just needed to vent or otherwise I will be crying at my desk.

needs : This -

"We have a pool in our back garden and the last time we had discussed an evening just for us we were swimming with a glass of wine. I took my bikini top off and he just completely ignored me. I felt so humiliated and embarrassed. "

• is a clear warning sign to me. This happened with my exP several times and it absolutely destroyed me. You are NOT being narcissistic. You have the right to be loved, cherished and appreciated!

When I first started reading your post, I wasn't sure if you were a man or a woman. If you read it as a man it does sound all about sex and not really about a relationship. There is no reason why this is different because you are a woman posting.

Imagine a man writing this:

We have sex once a week to once every ten days. When we do I get the feeling that she is reluctant or doing it as a duty.

She has actually told me me needs to "work herself up to it".

She says she will "try" but nothing ever changes.

I don't feel sex is something which interests her.

If I try to initiate anything by kissing or caressing her she lies there and mostly ignores me and I can almost see her mentally trying to persuade or force herself to make an effort because she knows I will otherwise be upset.

If its been a long time since we've had sex I almost hate her.

I know some people would be quite content with sex 3 times a month but I'm not. I'm very very unhappy. She knows this.

She is on anti anxiety meds

She has always functioned perfectly in a physical sense whether on or off them.

and so on . . .

Posters would be saying, leave her alone! Stop pestering her for sex and find out what she wants. Where is the love. Where is the respect and admiration for your partner. This is all about you. You won't get what you want this way, you will drive her away.

It's not about what you like like, or what underwear you wear, or what perfume you use.

It's about his feelings, as a human, of feeling loved just the way he is, of having choices, of receiving understanding and support, being able to open up without fear of feeling like a failure.

Yes, there's a problem. But it's not his problem. It's for both of you to sort out. It may just be that you are incompatible and won't be able to stay together.

You would both need to go to counselling but there's no guarantee it will change.

Not saying you are wrong either, btw, just that you are both different, your feelings are just as valid and if you feel unfullfilled in this relationship it's your choice to leave it.

OP there aer degrees of being gay, you know! he may perform three times a month, but if he has no reaction to you naked or dressed up sexily - that's what immediately made me think he was somewhat bisexual but largely gay. Lots of men have erectile issues on and off but they ARE excited by a naked woman who especially own wife! their isssue is theyu have a desire but can't act on it every time. Yours could be highly physical or he may fantasise about men while having sex for htat matter - he did say he needed to work himself up to it, and the fact that he is never enthusiastic in bed but sees it as a duty to you!

I agree. He isn't doing anything wrong. But what / who he is, with regards to this part of our marriage hurts me and makes me miserable. I feel just as much compassion for men who write on here with the same problem (and think how bloody ironic that all over te world there are people who could have perfectly matched ideas on sex who have married those who feel totally differently!).

Yes, he has feelings. He is not a performing seal. Why should he be expected to cater to my feelings above his own.

I agree with all that. But it doesn't stop me feeling frustrated miserable and hurt.

As someone said above, if my passion was trainspotting and my husband didnt enjoy that I could join a club or find a friend who did. Enjoying sex and exploring the boundaries of your sexual impulses is something that you can ONLY do with your husband (if in a committed monogamous marriage) or not at all. I'm basically now banned from ever having those experiences because my spouse doesn't want them. Will it kill me? Of course not. But I'm damn sure on my death bed if asked what one of my life's great regrets is that will be high on the list.

*the fact is

(and same with all exes)

Not finding your wife attractive when she dresses up is not remotely the same as finding a naked man attractive which is what bisexual and gay men do likeatonne.

The not responding to sexual advances could be a huge number of reasons straight men sometimes want a lot of sex, some do not always want sex, sometimes they don't really want much sex at all, just like straight women. He might be gay but not responding to visual stimulation does not make him sound gay to me.

You said he was abused as a child op? Could this have affected him, is it why he is anxious?

Larry is totally wrong IMHO.
Why should you resign yourself to an unsatisfactory sex life if you can potentially do something about it? That was the flavour of your OP. You adore one another but there is something that needs fixing.

My exH and I had a terribly unsatisfying sex life because he was a lazy arse. Wouldn't help with the kids, housework. We both worked full-time.
I was too exhausted for sex. I also felt far less attraction due to his selfish behaviour.
When I tried to explain he retorted "Ok. Give me the sex I want and I'll help out more".
He resolved the situation by sleeping with a colleague.

I have known DP over 3 yrs now. We have a 5mo baby and have sex most days. It's bloody amazing. He fancied me all through pregnancy and afterwards.

That isn't a stealth boast! It's just to demonstrate that not all relationships are the same.

I think this is such a shame. I think CBT could help. I think, in your situation, I'd try anything to help.

I wish you lots of luck OP.

I agree you really should not sweep it under the carpet and put up with feeling so unhappy. If you can't both feel better about it then I think you would have to split up.

Yes he was always told he was useless and worthless and was beaten regularly. That has affected his self esteem hugely. But you'd think having a wife who thinks you're the most gorgeous man on the face of the earth and who tells you all the time how much she loves an appreciates you might be a GOOD thing for that. Instead I think he twists it into "see I'm still nt good enough - cant even keep wife happy in the sack".

Op you mention that he had an abusive childhood; does he discuss this openly with you and may there have been incidents of sexual abuse?

I remember desperately reading these kind of threads when I was in your position, looking for an answer.
There never was one.
For women or men in this position it is very sad.

Sorry x-post

I think you are reacting emotionally to what you perceive as his lack of interest in you in general. This may or may not be a correct perception, it's difficult to tell.

In truth, your sex life is not bad at all, in that unlike the majority of couples, you are still pretty active after two children. Yes, not as active as you would like and not as adventurous as you'd like, but still active. That's something to build on, not to be thrown away with phrases like 'it would be easier to just not have sex'- for goodness sake, that's like a baby throwing the toys out of the pram!

You say you are going to give up hoping you get back the passion of the early months- good, because very very very few people have that through a 60 year marriage. That's not to say you don't have moments of passion, or excitement or fall back in love again, but trying to recreate those early few months is futile. You also say he was not that mad on sex on the honeymoon- my guess is that he wasn't mad on it before the marriage full-stop and you went ahead anyway. Why did you do that when sex is literally the most important part of your relationship?!

He is on AD. I get what you are saying about him being better on them, but AD are well-known, well-known to cause loss of libido. That, coupled with his perhaps lower initial sex drive, is bound to have an effect. You simply can't dismiss the effect of AD. I would certainly get those reviewed at the GP's as this will not be helping and some brands do make this worse than others.

My feeling is that it's not all about sex, it's about the fact you don't think he fancies you, as he doesn't behave like a more 'typical' guy in terms of responding if you are dressed up, commenting if you get your boobs out. I don't know if this is true, perhaps he does fancy you but not in this rather stereotyped 'can't keep his hands off you' type of way? I can understand you are upset deep down though, although it's hard to see if this is actually true, as plenty of men don't constantly make remarks/paw their partners. I think it is this perceived lack of interest which is making you feel awful.

I would dress nicely for yourself, go to the gym for yourself, wear sexy underwear as it gives you a kick and stop trying to provoke a reaction in him. I wonder if you backed off a little if he might come forward a bit, it does seem like you are caught in a dance of you trying to attract his attention and him not seeing it.

I am sympathetic really, though, if my husband got into bed and started reading a book when I thought I was on a promise, I would throw the book away (and have done so!)

No sexual abuse that I know of "just" emotional and physical violence.

Yes it is broader than the sex.

When I see him walkin back to bed naked after he has been to the bathroom I want immediately to touch him and be close to his naked body. I love to look at him and touch him and I tell him every day he is beautiful.

He used to do this at the beginning. He used today how beautiful I was. Maybe I WAS back then and he's just not prepared to lie. He NEVER EVER expresses the slightest interest in reaching out to touch me like that, or so much as touches my breast when we are naked in bed together. He never ever touches me or looks at me in a way that makes me feel attractive when I get dressed up or walk around in underwear.

He just isn't interested in me.

He just isn't.

Hold on, was he like this when you were dating, op? Has he always been like this? If so, it was mismatched from the start and it's unfair to assume he would change. Sorry if it's been said already, I read the thread.

I just seems like you want something he will never give. He is not a animal and bed and doesn't sound like he ever has been tbh.

I would say try sexual counselling. If that still doesn't work, you need to really think about if you can accept this is who he is - if not it's not fair to be angry and resentful at someone who only wants sex once a week at most because you want more.

I've learnt to adapt, not take it personally, we have sex sometimes three days in a row, then nothing for 10-14 days, basically when either are in the mood.

Yy to mumsy ADs are notorious for this, my bf was on ADs and she is usually very into lots of sex but lost all interest. Hence him having to have to work himself up probably

He may be feeling so bad precisely because you are a loving and supportive wife. If things have changed then I'd say there is a glimmer of hope to improve.

Physical beatings, like sexual abuse, have an element of damaging your sense of autonomy. I think it could be related. It is common for people never to deal properly with childhood abuse until they are safe.

OP, an ex bf of mine was like this. I was with him for 6 years in my glorious 20s, I started the relationship sexually confident and happy and I came out of the relationship depressed, anxious and insecure. He'd do it 'for me' if I instigated it, but there was never any real passion. It is very hard for most women not to be wanted or desired at all.

Sadly, we are often told that ALL men are sex beasts who cannot be controlled and want nothing more than to constantly shag, when actually men are (gasp) human beings with varied libidos. Unfortunately, with threads like these, people who have no experience of the issue often come out with:

'he must be gay'
'he needs counselling'
'why don't you buy some nice underwear/weekend away'

You say:
I'm also terribly terribly afraid he will just say "oh FFS if it means that much to you just fuck off and find someone else". I don't want to leave him or for him to leave me. I love him. I just want this situation to change.

OP, reality time. He's always been like this - you knew that. He was like it on honeymoon. You say you love him. Do you? Really? Because if you love him, then accept him as he is. A man that doesn't really care about sex. You are being cruel towards him to expect him to change something so fundamental. And unfair and cruel towards yourself to think you can change it.

I don't think your issue is about your DH's libido. He is who he is and has never pretended to be otherwise. I think the issue is why you chose to marry and be with a man who cannot give you what you want.

I don't think it's about the AMOUNT of sex- and I think the OP has been given a bloody hard time on here- it's the fact that if someone doesn't fancy you, you can feel it in their body language and reactions. And that is soul destroying to live with.
I went through a bad time with my partner when he was under a ridiculous amount of stress- we didn't Do the Deed for months, but he would still rub my back, tell me I looked beautiful etc.
It's a bloody lonely way to live being with someone like the OP's husband-more lonely than being single

He was not like this at first. We used to have a wonderful amazing passionate frequent and adventurous sex life. For a while. Like Everyone does at first I guess. I just didn't realize that would stop. I thought I had found the perfect mate who was matched to me in that way. Hence the cheated feeling. I would never have married him if I'd known this was how things would be.

That does NOT mean I regret marrying him. I love him very very much. But if he hadn't been interested in sex I wouldn't have fallen in love with him in the first place.

I still think you are under-estimating the effects of AD's and his anxiety. One of the things that anxiety/depression (which usually co-occur) is that you get anhedonia, which means you don't take pleasure in the usual things that you used to take pleasure in. I wonder if he simply doesn't feel 'right' as in the way he used to, because he's anxious/depressed and on AD's. Secondly once you start on AD's, they help with anxiety, but you often feel flat on them, and they definitely lower the libido.

I hate to say it, but if he is prone to anxiety/depression and AD's (and I was worried about your remark about his violent aggression when not on them), then the penalty you may pay for this is flat affect (emotion) and lower libido. I wonder if you can see that this is a sign of his medical problems and NOT about you (he would feel the same about any naked woman!) then you may take this less personally, and not so much as a rejection.

Under these circumstances, sex once a week in which he is very giving and puts a high priority on your pleasure is actually quite good going, given this medical backdrop.

I would also stop telling him all the time that he's beautiful and gorgeous and so on, it's just creating a maelstrom of emotions and frustration about physical appearance. My guess is he doesn't feel that great about himself at all, and even if you say 'you look so hot' he just hears 'and you are a crap bloke and not normal and don't respond properly and...' He would respond to CBT to help with this negative thinking which you suggest he has.

In other words, I think you need to stop taking all of this incredibly personally, start to see the good in your marriage and what it means to be committed (you have two children and haven't once mentioned the good stuff in there about parenting with him). I also think it's worth having a frank discussion with him about libido/general happiness, and see whether he might be up for going to the doctors for a different AD medication (as some commonly suppress libido, but there are new ones out which are better for this) and/or CBT. But, you may also have to accept that you are responsible for your own self-esteem and happiness and if you continually measure your self-worth against the responses of an anxious person on AD's, you are likely to feel disappointed.

I assumed the drop off was a short term thing due to te stress of him leaving his job, getting married and moving to a different country. It wasn't.

Bricks- that comment about him being gay is just ridiculous.

Sadly I don't think anything will change whatever you do. People are what they are, especially when it comes to libido. Sex is just not as important to some people as it is to others and that includes men. I can take it or leave it most of the time to be honest. I bet he can too and the once a week is done just to please you.

I bet if you didn't push it at all the once a week would soon become once a month or once every couple of months.

My first wife had this issue with me and we divorced after she had an affair. At first we were at it much more frequently but it fizzled out and by the end once every blue moon became the norm. Counselling won't work if it is a libido issue. You can't make someone have desire.

I then went into a relationship where we were at it every day but she was physically the most attractive woman I had ever been with and it only lasted 2 years so may have settled down. Who knows?

I am now married again and 10 years on with the same person it's back to once a month. Luckily for me my wife isn't too interested either so it works ok for us.

I can't change how I feel and I am sure your dh can't either. You have a choice and that is to live with it and find other things to satisfy you or split up and hope that you can then find what you are looking for. That is not without risk.

Whayever you decide you have to remember that only you can change things in your life, you can't change other people.

In that case, op, it's because of the ADs, simple.