First world problem I know - husband just not interested

[needsomeperspective]

I know this is a frequent theme on these boards but I just really need to just get it out.

I've been married nearly 4 years and for at least 3 (well before we had kids) our sex life has been less than amazing. I am the kind of person to whom sex is very very important in a relationship. It cements the bond, oils the wheels, helps with communication, feeling close and feeling loved and wanted. In my opinion it should also be a source of fun, joy and bring a little color, passion and excitement to the mundanities of everyday life, work, domestic drudgery, child are etc.

Unfortunately my husband doesn't feel that way and the state of our sex life is just tearing me apart.

We have sex once a week to once every ten days. When we do I get the feeling that he is reluctant or doing it as a duty. He has actually told me me needs to "work himself up to it".

We argue constantly about this. I have told him that I desperately long for a close, passionate, frequent, fulfilling sex LIFE which runs a thread of intimacy through our marriage NOT just an occasional shag. He says he will "try" but nothing ever changes.

I don't feel sex is something which interests him. In between times he shows no sexual interest in me and if I try to initiate anything by kissing or caressing him he lies there and mostly ignores me and I can almost see him mentally trying to persuade or force himself to make an effort because he knows I will otherwise be upset.

This has got to the point now where my self esteem in shattered. I feel close to tears a lot of the time and like I have a big rock in my chest. If its been a long time since we've had sex I almost hate him.

I'm 34. I can't imagine going through the rest of my life being sexually unfulfilled and feeling unwanted, undesirable. I feel like there is a whole side of marriage, of LIFE that I'm missing out on.

I know some people would be quite content with sex 3 times a month but I'm not. I'm very very unhappy. He knows this.

He is on anti anxiety meds but if anything he is LESS interested in sex when he is not on them because he is then anxious, mean and sometimes violently aggressive. They don't seem to have any physical impact on his abilities in bed and he has always functioned perfectly in a physical sense whether on or off them.

When we do have sex he is a considerate and wonderful lover. He cares that I am enjoying himself. But he just doesn't seem..... enthusiastic. He just isn't driven or really "into it" if you know what I mean. He touches me for ME nt because e actually wants to. He makes no comment and shows zero interest when I'm naked or in underwear. God knows I'm no a pretty sight after 2 cesareans and 2 stone overweight but I'm not that bad. I know husbands who still show their wife desire when their wives aren't physically perfect.

I know I should lose weight but I'm scared to. If I get back into a size ten and he still has no interet that's my last hope gone. And he SAYS my looks are fine and that's nothing to do with it. If the problem is my body I wish he would just be honest because that is something I can actually fix!

I've now basically given up on ever having the vibrant, experimental, fun sex life I want to share with the person I love. I don't want an affair - I don't want random sex with someone I don't care about I want to share the pleasures and intimacies of a physical relationship with the man I love.

I just don't know what to do anymore. It's actually more painful and upsetting limping along having occasional awkward sex than it would be to just stop altogether. At least if we just said "no more sex" I would feel the constant rejection and disappointed hope and expectation.

We have 2 small children. I don't want to end my marriage. He is a great father and a great husband in every other way. He just can't make me happy because he doesn't care about sex and cannot relate to how I feel about it.

Please tell me what to do. I've suggested counselling but I think I would be too ashamed and humiliated to say to someone face to face "my husband isn't attracted to me".

Sorry this is so long. Just needed to vent or otherwise I will be crying at my desk.

Offred - did I say he should be humping every hole? read the op's posts - he NEVER shows any enthusiasm, can you see the difference? She feels miserable and unwanted. I also do not insist that he is gay, it's one of the possible explanations. And OP had said that he was the same pre-medication.

I would love for him to look into my eyes and kiss me and touch me

Ah, but would you be happy if he looked into your eyes, kissed you, touched you and then said goodnight darling, switched the light off and fell asleep?

Enjoying those little moments of intimacy for what they are, in isolation, without expecting, wanting or needing more is the key to taking the pressure off.

If you can do that, you are more likely to experience lots more of these intimate moments which is what, imo, keeps the relationship special, romantic, alive and full of possibilities.

At the moment, your dh wouldn't do that because he would be worried that you would want more than he wanted to give right at that moment.

He could be thinking, I would love to take my wife in my arms and just hold her, but I'd better not, she might get the wrong message, then I'll be expected to perform . . .

It stops being a simple pleasure and becomes a dreaded chore.

I suppose I don't think he would tell me the truth because he doesn't want to hurt me.

The absolute best case in this scenario would be for him to say "my love, I love you very much but that baby weight is a problem. I can't help it but I'd fancy the pants off you if you just spruced up a bit. I know I need to as well, let's go to the gym together." if he said this I would be fucking ecstatic. Because I can fix this. I've been a gum bunny before and I would do it again. If that IS the problem I'd be over the frigging moon.

If its because he doesn't really love me anymore I don't think I wan to know. I'd rather bury my head in the sand and focus on the kids and being good friends to each other. How sad and pathetic is that :(

If its just the way he is because of his libido. I guess i will simply have to live with it.

If its due to his childhood and lack of self esteem I'd hope he could get some therapy. But how would he know that is the underlying issue?

I don't know. I just don't know. But if he does know that there is something I or he could do to help this I wish to god he would be honest so we could work it out.

If not, as stated I will just have to live with it.

I understand what you are saying bricks and there will be men who are married and gay I am sure. However for most it's not that.

I wish I knew why I am the way I am when my mates are constantly watching porn and wanking themselves stupid when I can go weeks without bothering. I am definately not gay or bisexual though. I too enjoy it when I do it and always focus on my wife to ensure she enjoys it too which she does, it's just I hardly feel the urge so once every few weeks is plenty. If my 2nd wife was in need of more and pressured me like my first did I would have ended it before marriage.

The underwear/vibrator/weekend away ideas won't work with someone like this so would just be a complete waste of time and probably lead to more resentment!

btw I hate the type of men who grope and pester their partners and do NOt think this is 'normal hetero' ,that's over-sexed and obsessive, and very selfish.

But he DOESN'T show no sexual interest. He shows sexual interest the same amount as the majority of people in the UK (according to the lovely Suzi Godson in the Times on the weekend, the median frequency for males is 3 x a month, so less than once a week). A sexless marriage is defined as one where it is less than 10 times a year (which seems quite a lot to me). The OP has a partner who shows an average amount of sexual interest, but she wants an above average amount. This is where the incompatibility lies.

Maybenow - mine is like that too. He is not happy with his own body. If he was I suspect he woul be more interested in sex. Maybe.

maleview, I know that many people have low libido or periods in their life when it's 'off'. I wonder though, when you don't feel like it, do you still admire your partner visually or compliment her if she is walking around naked/in underwear? or are you completely indifferent and show it? I think ther is a fine line in these things, and yes, it can be very complex.

Agree with everything mumsy has said

You have stated op that you would do anything to try and understand this and change it. That your life would be bliss, etc.

Yet you are so far ignoring the two best suggestions

1. Ask him to check out the side effects of ADs with his GP
2. Both of you go to counselling

I would at least try both these options before resigning myself to a sexless marriage which runs the risk of you eventually cheating on him (which you have already considered, be it only fleetingly). This man deserves better than that.

Mumsy, the issue is though he doesn't initiate it and shows no eenthusiasm when sex does happen, according to Op, he does it to keep her satisfied but not 'for himself' as she says.
I actually think he (or they together) should give counselling a go, if it doesn't work then at least he tried. It can well be to do with childhood abuse, as one of the options. the counsellor can at least pinpoint what the issue is - is it psychology or something to do with meds etc.

needsomeperspective if you want more intimacy/hand-holding, I would take the pressure off sex completely, or make it clear that you are happy with the once a week (and there's no reason to think he doesn't enjoy this if he's a caring lover, he may just not be that focused on it inbetween).

I also see you are abroad, and he's had mental health/aggression/mood swings. You are very vulnerable on lots of fronts right now. I get the impression that you married very quickly and now the reality is hitting you. On a practical note, it can be harder when you are abroad to get help/family support, can you go for a dinner out/to the pictures? In other words, do things together which are likely to result in hand-holding or gazing into each others eyes. It is very easy to get caught up with child-care and everyday stuff and for intimacy in the widest sense to get neglected. I'd put more energy into making time just for the two of you (not sex related) if you can, as this will help you recreate those early bonds.

And- perhaps take a look at the 'Love Languages' websitewww.5lovelanguages.com/

Your love language (way of expressing love) is clearly physical. Mine is too. Your husband's love language might be quite different (e.g. service which is doing helpful tasks all the time, or gifts/material things). He may be telling you he loves you but in a different form.

I would not think you just have to put up and shut up, but with a more nuanced understanding of why his libido is lower, and with effort to create more communication/intimacy, this may well be able to be fixed/acceptable enough to you as part of a long-term marriage.

You said "he sounds like he is a closeted gay" likeatonne.

The OP's posts say he doesn't show interest. She doesn't know why that is. It is not known whether he is not sexually attracted to her.

Fairenuff - he doesn't need to see a gp. He is and has been for a long time under the care of a psychiatrist who monitors his meds. All meds have side effects. These less than any of the others he has been on. He needs the pills to control a chemical imbalance without which he is not a nice functional human being. It is what it is.

Yes perhaps joint counselling would help.

yes offred, 'he sounds' is not the same as 'he must' it leaves room for doubt. This was before Op mentioned that to start with they had a good sexlife. I discussed other possible options later as well. being closeted gay sometimes IS the case in these situations, but not the only possible explanation.

Op from my own personal experience, yes I have had some sexual abuse in adolescence but I was also physically abused in childhood, I really think you should consider the possibility that the abuse, the marriage, the anxiety and the meds and the change in his interest are all related.

physical abuse is an abuse of your bodily autonomy

It is common for people who have experienced abuse to bury it then suffer anxiety until it is dealt with.

It is also common for people to begin to deal with abuse only once they are in a safe and loving supportive relationship.

It could well be the reason for the change.

if you feel he can't talk could you go to counselling or him so he can explore why things have changed and see if you can move forward

Either way like a tonne not showing sexual interest in a partner doesn't "sound as if" someone "is a closeted gay".

Indifference I would say. I don't think I would be any different I I was married to Elle McPherson.

I can't say it enough times: all depression medications (AD's) are associated with sexual dysfunction. So is depression/anxiety. There's hundreds of pages of it on the internet. It may be worth mentioning it to the psychiatrist as there are options, such as a weekend break for fast-acting drugs (Zoloft?). But if you said to a psychiatrist, the medication makes me less interested in sex, they will say yes, I know, that's a well-known side-effect (not known if totally caused by the drugs, but also by the underlying condition too). goes to bang head on wall

It's not that the drugs cause it, the problem causes low libido then the drugs come along and squash it flat.

Talking to the psychiatrist may the most obvious solution as they may well have some options or prescribe Viagra or whatever. This is old news to them.

Yes Mumsy maybe that would help. We have an au pair and our babies sleep like logs so we could spend more time together than we do. I suppose I sometimes let my resentment of the sex situation get in the way of spending other types of quality time together. I so want to feel desirable and as if I'm valued. I dread going out because i will spend time getting ready and hope he will look at me in a way that makes me feel noticed. He does sometimes say "you look nice" but I don't get the feeling he is proud to be seen with me or that he thinks I look in any way attractive. Like he used to. He used to be really jealous too. Not any more. Maybe that's just comfort.

So I have the choice of unmedicated, angry, aggressive husband who almost never wants sex because of his permanent bad mood or medicated nice husband who occasionally wants sex but isn't that interested because of his pills. Well c'est la vie.

WE HAVE SPOKEN TO PSYCHIATRIST. As I keep saying, these pills have the LEAST BAD side effects. Viagra makes you hard t doesn't give you any extra desire. He can get hard. He can come. When we have sex he is fully functional. He doesn't need Viagra.

Counselling may be the best option. It would be a hell of a lot cheaper if he would just fucking talk to me though.

Excuse me for being thick but I don't understand the "First world problem". I assume you mean that as we aren't starving like inthe 3rd world, we should be happy with our lot?

Anyway.

I understand your frustration.

You've had a lot of good advice. The best is a couple of posts back about the side effects of his ADs- this is classic.

Unless he addresses his medication then I can't see where you can go next.

Would you expect someone with 2 broken legs to come out running with you? No.

He has a physical condition.

It also sounds as if he has a lot of emotional baggage if he is on anxiety meds and is physically violent. The latter would be enough to make me run- fast.

When you wrote this I know I should lose weight but I'm scared to. If I get back into a size ten and he still has no interet that's my last hope gone. It's very sad.

Lose weight for you- not for anyone else. You sound a bit confused yourself really about self-esteem and self-worth.

Believe me- counsellors have heard everything- saying your DH does not fancy you is bread and butter for them.

I think you should get yourself to counselling (Relate?) and seriously think if you want to stay with a man like this- not because of the sex but his violent outbursts and aggression. And you need to work on your own head too.

Can I ask who initiates sex?

Your story resonates with me as I lived like this for years with exdh. He's very repressed sexually though. Also there's other things going on with him sexually though. He's into spanking magazines/dvds. Also he's in touch with a man and I think he's very confused. But he's very juvenile when it comes to sex.

I'm with a fantastic dp now. I don't regret marrying exdh we have 2 fantastic dcs and were good friends, still are. He's (ex) never going to change. He hasn't tried to meet anyone else. Tbh he's so unclean they'd need to have no sense of smell!

I hope you can find a solution? It's awful and niggles away at you. You try to think you can cope and find avenues to take your mind off it. But you feel rejected. I even thought I was unattractive but I'm not. When it all came out to my friends and family they were horrified. They don't know about the secrets he has. I found out by accident and felt sick but I don't judge him. It was just the lies that got to me.

Please read posts. Not violent / aggressive. Had to stop taking meds. Resulted in horrible phase of aggressive and mean bahviour which immediately stopped once meds were changed.

needsomeperspective - it sounds like your self-esteem is really really bound up in this, that's totally understandable to some extent but perhaps yours is bound in sexual desire more than average.. i think that joint counselling might be a good idea so that you can perhaps learn to feel a bit more loved and valued outside of being sexually desired at that moment.
it sounds like your dh does love and value you and the fact he isn't always wanting to rip your clothes off doesn't change that.... if you can go into counselling with the attitude that you want to meet in the middle rather than 'cure him' or 'change you' then you should have a good basis for working something out.