First world problem I know - husband just not interested

[needsomeperspective]

I know this is a frequent theme on these boards but I just really need to just get it out.

I've been married nearly 4 years and for at least 3 (well before we had kids) our sex life has been less than amazing. I am the kind of person to whom sex is very very important in a relationship. It cements the bond, oils the wheels, helps with communication, feeling close and feeling loved and wanted. In my opinion it should also be a source of fun, joy and bring a little color, passion and excitement to the mundanities of everyday life, work, domestic drudgery, child are etc.

Unfortunately my husband doesn't feel that way and the state of our sex life is just tearing me apart.

We have sex once a week to once every ten days. When we do I get the feeling that he is reluctant or doing it as a duty. He has actually told me me needs to "work himself up to it".

We argue constantly about this. I have told him that I desperately long for a close, passionate, frequent, fulfilling sex LIFE which runs a thread of intimacy through our marriage NOT just an occasional shag. He says he will "try" but nothing ever changes.

I don't feel sex is something which interests him. In between times he shows no sexual interest in me and if I try to initiate anything by kissing or caressing him he lies there and mostly ignores me and I can almost see him mentally trying to persuade or force himself to make an effort because he knows I will otherwise be upset.

This has got to the point now where my self esteem in shattered. I feel close to tears a lot of the time and like I have a big rock in my chest. If its been a long time since we've had sex I almost hate him.

I'm 34. I can't imagine going through the rest of my life being sexually unfulfilled and feeling unwanted, undesirable. I feel like there is a whole side of marriage, of LIFE that I'm missing out on.

I know some people would be quite content with sex 3 times a month but I'm not. I'm very very unhappy. He knows this.

He is on anti anxiety meds but if anything he is LESS interested in sex when he is not on them because he is then anxious, mean and sometimes violently aggressive. They don't seem to have any physical impact on his abilities in bed and he has always functioned perfectly in a physical sense whether on or off them.

When we do have sex he is a considerate and wonderful lover. He cares that I am enjoying himself. But he just doesn't seem..... enthusiastic. He just isn't driven or really "into it" if you know what I mean. He touches me for ME nt because e actually wants to. He makes no comment and shows zero interest when I'm naked or in underwear. God knows I'm no a pretty sight after 2 cesareans and 2 stone overweight but I'm not that bad. I know husbands who still show their wife desire when their wives aren't physically perfect.

I know I should lose weight but I'm scared to. If I get back into a size ten and he still has no interet that's my last hope gone. And he SAYS my looks are fine and that's nothing to do with it. If the problem is my body I wish he would just be honest because that is something I can actually fix!

I've now basically given up on ever having the vibrant, experimental, fun sex life I want to share with the person I love. I don't want an affair - I don't want random sex with someone I don't care about I want to share the pleasures and intimacies of a physical relationship with the man I love.

I just don't know what to do anymore. It's actually more painful and upsetting limping along having occasional awkward sex than it would be to just stop altogether. At least if we just said "no more sex" I would feel the constant rejection and disappointed hope and expectation.

We have 2 small children. I don't want to end my marriage. He is a great father and a great husband in every other way. He just can't make me happy because he doesn't care about sex and cannot relate to how I feel about it.

Please tell me what to do. I've suggested counselling but I think I would be too ashamed and humiliated to say to someone face to face "my husband isn't attracted to me".

Sorry this is so long. Just needed to vent or otherwise I will be crying at my desk.

offred, it's not for you to judge my every expression - maleview made his argument in a civilised balanced manner saying that he can see this could be the case, but could be not - which I whole-heartedly agree with, and i suggested counselling above before you did. Do stop jumping on every word I say, a lot of people use 'sounds like' when voicing their opinion or first impression, if to THEM (not to you) it sounds like whatever it is. You are not here to police people. I know personally a friend of a friend with a similar (ex)husband who did turn out to be bi sexual but more inclined towards men (secretly obviously at first). I was also basing on the fact that OP said meds haven't changed anything. I also did suggest it could be the childhood abuse issue. I'm not going to engage with you again as you are far too intolerant and aggressive in your tone, plus don't use the whole context.

My nickname was supermodel when I was younger and with exdh. He wasn't interested then. I got chatted up all the time. Yet I started to think it was me? It's not your weight at all. You feel sort of asexual in the end? Well I did. Thought I was so unattractive. Then a snog with a sexy dutch guy in Edinburgh woke me up We talked and talked and I told him all about exdh. He sort of counselled me for a good while over the phone and on msn. Nothing happened with him but he helped restore my confidence. God he was hot!

Oh I'd love it if I found DH had a secret fetish! (as long a it's wasn't illegal). I wouldn't have a problem with that and it would be a big relief that he did have some naughty drives going on in his noggin.

If your DH has problems severe enough to see a psychiatrist on the NHS ( I am assuming) then he has issues. People are not referred to a psych for a small problem.

Has he not had a review of his treatment and been offered other things like CBT and Anger Management? Something is going on inside his head that needs sorting out and drugs are just part of the treatment.

I honestly think that instead of focusing on the sex, you ought to be digging deeper into his mental health issues and seeing what else can be done there.

Sex with a man on ADs who was otherwise aggressive and violent would be the least of my worries.

And as I said before, you need help too because if your self worth comes from being appreciated sexually, and your appearance, and nothing else, you have issues too. Sorry :(

Now I need to think if I can live with that for the rest of my life. And whether the positive aspects of the marriage outweigh it

You summed it up perfectly yourself, OP

It shouldn't be like this though. You shouldn't accept that just because you don't still have the taut skin of a 20yo your sex life sinks into the doldrums. You should be able to feel desired and wanted by your partner, or else you may as well have a house share with anyone.

Hecate aways gives brilliant advice in these situations, if you want to stay together. She has made her choice and finds a way to live with it, for her.

There are many people in relationships with dc, who have been together a long time, who still have active and fulfilling sex lives though. Who don't have to compromise such a massive part of themselves. I am not going to go into detail, because you know how it should be.

Could you leave your comfortable life for the unknown though ? That is your dilemma. It isn't a "First World problem", it's a real one for you. The grass may not be greener.

You do seem clear he is not able to be the sexual partner you want him to be. What would you tell someone else to do ?

"God knows I'm no a pretty sight after 2 cesareans and 2 stone overweight but I'm not that bad."

This is going to sound quite shallow - but I don't think I would have any physical attraction to my husband if he was 2 stone overweight. I am not saying I couldn't love him, care about him etc, but I probably would feel little physical desire. (There has never been huge sexual chemistry on my side anyway so that makes it doubly important to me that he is physically attractive). The fact that he has a good physique and doesn't put on weight is important to me - it was an important factor in my chosing him as a life long companion.

Okay, that may sound shallow but it is the truth. It's got nothing to do with getting older or anything - I am just a bit of a body fascist. I admit it.

Having said all that, it sounds to me as though you are not well matched in terms of sexual compatibility and probably never were. That is quite a big deal although no doubt it is not unusual and some couples are prepared to compromise.

Counselling might help in the sense that your husband might be prepared to open up about how he is feeling with a neutral third party. Then again, he might not.

I understand your concerns about getting back in shape and your husband still not being interested in you sexually, but it might help your confidence. Other men would probably be interested in you (men are often very visual, yes I know that is politically incorrect but it's true, damn it) and that might just make him realise what he might be losing if he doesn't up the game a bit.

tadpoles the man takes ADs to stop himself becoming agressive and angry. I don't think any amount of prancing around in underwear is going to solve this problem. He has a well-known and well-researched problem relating to mental ill-health, which is sexual dysfunction. The OP wants her husband to constantly appreciate her physically, beyond telling her she looks nice and has sex about once a week, in a devoted way. I really don't think this is compatible with his long-term MH issues and I just think all this focus on sex is completely missing the point of the real issues the OP and her husband have which are way more threatening to a marriage than his not wanting it more than once a week.

tadpoles yes that does sound shallow to me. I hope for your sake you don't become overweight due to health problems. Or that your dh does.

I so want to feel desirable and as if I'm valued

Tbh this says a lot more about your self esteem than it does about his libido.

What if you were single, without a man to validate your attractiveness. How would you get the appreciation that you seem to need so desparately?

Your own self worth is tied up in whether or not someone else find you attractive.

I understand that you want to be desirable, but you are. This incompatability is about just two people, not the whole male population. You would feel better if you stopped making it all about what you look like. It's not.

If your dh was blind you wouldn't be able to keep using this as a reason for the lack of passion.

Also, have a think about your future without him. Do you think any relationship would provide you with the level of attention that you need. Would you be happy on your own for a while, maybe going several months without sex, affection, intimacy, love? Or a serious of brief, exciting encounters that end when he goes looking for variety elsewhere?

If you had another relationship where sex was fantastically great and abundant, will you still feel insecure if your partner looks at another woman. Or will you feel unhappy and undervalued when you are snowed under with childcare and housework if he doesn't pull his weight?

No one person can give you everything you want. You cannot expect others to be responsible for your own happiness. You make it work yourself by knowing what you want and being prepared to accept that you can't always have what you want.

Sometimes you have to settle for less or be on your own. Just how much less is up to you. Relationships are about compromise. If it's something that you cannot or will not compromise, then you move on.

Mummy I agree and that's what I said too.

He needs bahvioural therapy as well.instead of just drugs.

Why is he angry? Why is he violent? Is he not having counselling as part of his treatment anyway- or just being medicated to dampen down his emotions?

We don't live in the UK. No NHS here. Only psychiatrists can prescribe antidepressants or any other meds for mental health issues.

Yes of course I can only feel validated when judged on my looks. My Oxbridge degree, successful 15 year finance career and being a mother mean nothing to me.

Clearly people with mental health problems don't deserve loving partners.

Thank you anyfucker, that's just it - I do genuinely feel the good parts outweigh the bad. If this can't be resolved then I need to find out if I can live with this and live with it without rancor and resentment spoiling things.

Maybe we need to try and have another talk. Without me crying. I just don't know if he will be honest.

Fairenuff it does make you feel undesirable though when you feel rejected.

I love it when dp grabs me for a hug and a kiss. If exdh had just done that occasionally I'd never have left. I got nothing. I was once sat in my summerhouse and could see into next door's kitchen. The dh came in and hugged dw from behind, spun her round and kissed her passionately. I cried But was also happy for them. I was never bitter towards friends who had passion. I just wanted some for me.

I dont think I am insatisfiable. I have been in relationships in the past where the sex was exactly to my taste. So I'm not some kind of nympho freak no man could sate.

Maybe we need to try and have another talk. Without me crying. I just don't know if he will be honest

Relationship counselling

I don't know if he is violent, they OP said not (earlier), he may be a great husband who simply needs AD to stabilize his moods enough to function normally.Plenty of people do. But, as fairenuff says, that's the compromise. That's what he needs, who he is. But, sadly it does impact on emotion and sexual functioning.

I really think the not talking is what the problem is not the mismatch or the change in his interest. It is normal to encounter problems like this in marriage if you can't talk about it you can't get past it and it becomes huge and damaging.

You know. Married with two small children and sex three times a month is not bad going. Many people would think they were hitting the bullseye. And he is a wonderful, caring and considerate lover. I believe those were your words. I know it's not enough for you but there is something about the way you word what you desire that does sound a little (to me) unrealistic.

Alright likeatonne it is entirely my fault for reading the words you right instead of the sentiment you read(!)

Clearly people with mental health problems don't deserve loving partners

Of course they do, but you would also be rather naive if you thought having mental health problems had no impact whatsoever on the ability to express emotion and/or sexual functioning.

In these situations, more communication and counselling can really help. Perhaps you need to let out some of your anger and frustration at living with someone with a long-term MH problem, it's not easy you know. But you do have to accept things will be a bit different than perhaps you expected in the early few months of your romance.

*write!!

*mean!!!

the incident in the garden...Op took her bikini top off in a way that clearly invites sexual contact

if I did that, my H would be all over me like a rash, with a raging hard on (and no, I don't have the perky boobs of a 20yo, I have had 2 kids and am in my 40's)

not looking the other way, not disinterested

there is a physical problem with this man that he refuses to talk about, or he really doesn't fancy OP any more

if he won't discuss it, what is she to do ?

Anyfucker that would've been my exdh, ignoring. And my dp is like your H. Am also in my 40s.

Yes of course I can only feel validated when judged on my looks. My Oxbridge degree, successful 15 year finance career and being a mother mean nothing to me

I am assuming that this is sarcasm? I hope so, because this is the first time that you seem to have really appreciated yourself on this thread, and meant it. Good for you.

This is obviously not about looks, weight gain, fancy underwear, etc. It's not about you, op. It's about the two of you together. Counselling might unravel the reasons behind his behaviour, it might not. But it's probably worth a shot before you call time on this relationship, imo.

Pesonally, I wouldn't just leave it the way it is and settle for a lifetime of the same.

Yes OP was being sarcastic.