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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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Original poster

Lots of hand holding required please.

120 replies

janflan · 13/08/2012 22:32

My partners temper has been getting worse lately. He's got family problems which are causing a lot of stress.

He's constantly telling our child to shut up when he's trying to watch tv and they talk. If he's trying to fix something he needs complete silence or the shut ups start and the strops happen.

Last week he told our child to fuck offand i made him leave. That was because he'd told our child they could go on the wii after tea but when it came to it wouldn't switch over. He left but then phoned me to say sorry and that he was stressed about his family problems. I let him back in but now I'm wishing i didn't.

This evening he grabbed our child on the neck because they wouldn't come downstairs when he was told. I tried o make him leave but he wouldn't. He was threatening to take the computer he'd bought me yesterday back. I told him to take it if it got rid of him too. He didn. 't take it in the end. Our child was ok had red marks on his neck but thankfully wasn't hurt.

He left eventually after a few hours and was cross i wouldn't kiss him goodbye.

We're not living together at the moment.

I'm scared what's going to happen next. I don't want to be with him but i don't want him having our child on his own. He's not going to take that kindly. He's threatened to take our child before if i ever leave him and he's very manipulative. I'm worried he'll tell a bunch of lies to get our child.

I know i have to be strong but I'm worried sick.

OP posts:

HistoryNerd · 13/08/2012 22:46

www.womensaid.org.uk/

or similar. He sounds dangerous. You need more than hand holding, you need serious protection from this man.

OhWesternWind · 13/08/2012 22:48

Really sorry to hear what has happened, big hugs to you and your child. I have been somewhere very similar myself so my advice is based on experience. Sorry in advance if it seems harsh or difficult. The best thing to do is to phone the police and report an assault on your child especially if there are visible marks. I know it can seem a lot to take in but that's what has happened - he has assaulted ypur child grabbing him/her with enough force to leave marks is assault You need to get this incident on record as this could well prove to be crucial if things get to court and will also give you documented proof of why you aren't allowing him to see the child unsupervised. Also go to your GP tomorrow and report again, get your child checked out.

So sorry if this is difficult to hear but please stay strong now and doing these things will help you protect your child in the future.

neuroticmumof3 · 13/08/2012 22:49

This man is abusive and dangerous. Call the police and report the incident. They will remove him from the house. This will give you time and space to get RL support with this. You must act to protect your child.

MiniTheMinx · 13/08/2012 22:50

I can see the dilemma that if you are not with him he might get access to see the child on his own.

How old is you DC? would your child be able to tell a social worker what your DP has done?

Original poster

janflan · 13/08/2012 22:53

Thanks for replying.

My child doesn't have marks now, it went red when it happened and faded pretty much straight away. There would be nothing for the police to see.

I'm worried calling the police will make things so much worse. I've told him if he lays a finger on him again i will call them.

OP posts:

Original poster

janflan · 13/08/2012 22:55

He's 6 so yes he would.

OP posts:

MiniTheMinx · 13/08/2012 23:01

So a grown man tells a six year old to fuck off and then grabs him round the neck? The man's a danger, a loon, what will he do next?

Well rather than worry about that, you need to act now and get this man away from you and your little boy.

OhWesternWind · 13/08/2012 23:01

Please call the police. They will believe you and your child. They and Women's Aid can give you advice on keeping him away and staying safe.

Original poster

janflan · 13/08/2012 23:09

I'm scared to make thing worse by calling the police.

OP posts:

MiniTheMinx · 13/08/2012 23:16

Why doesn't your dp live with you? Was it his choice or yours?

Original poster

janflan · 13/08/2012 23:24

It was both of ours, long story really.

OP posts:

cestlavielife · 13/08/2012 23:31

the only way you can get control over his contact with your son is by reporting this as an assault.
what are you scared of when you say it will make it worse? what could be worse than your child going to spend time with a parent who might attack him because said parent is "stressed"? report it and get it logged. at the least tell your gp.

cestlavielife · 13/08/2012 23:32

has he been to his gp for help with his stress?
is he doing anything about it or just taking it out on you/the children?
because if he is doing nothing then it could only get worse...

MiniTheMinx · 13/08/2012 23:33

I would be inclined to speak to your little boy and if he is likely to tell a social worker what happened I would ring social services. You need this logged and recorded because in the long term it will be the family court that your Dp would have to apply to to gain access to your son. It is best to get this logged now while your little boy is able to remember what happened.

Then I would tell DP to stay away and if he kicks off ring the police. You can get an anti-harassment order and if you are not working you should get legal aid. Ring the womens aid line, they will probably be able to explain what you need to do or even put you in touch with a solicitor. Once you have the order and you tell the judge what danger he poses to your little boy, your dp will probably only be permitted access at a contact centre. As other's have said you need to involve outside agencies, it is the only way you can ensure your son's safety.

Original poster

janflan · 13/08/2012 23:43

He's been to the gp a few times before about his anger issues and he's had anti depressants. Not for a few years though.

I'm scared he'll kick off completely and hurt someone i love to get back at me. He would make my life hell.

I'm so torn. I can understand why it would make sense to call the police I just don't want to make things worse for any of us.

The police have spoken to him before. His older daughters told the school he'd been violent to them and had called them disgusting names. He admitted it and apologised and nothing was done.

OP posts:

bogeyface · 14/08/2012 00:49

Could you contact his daughters mother? Maybe she could help you by telling you how it might play out?

solidgoldbrass · 14/08/2012 01:49

Definitely talk to the police and Women's Aid. Stress, my arse, this man is abusive and thinks he's entitled to do what he likes. He's not above the law and he doesn't have superpowers; you will be able to get a court order to keep him away from you and if he continues to try to harm you or your son he will go to prison.

doinmummy · 14/08/2012 02:07

He would have supervised contact with DC. So sorry for you. I've posted on other threads saying that I have been where you are. It's very distressing, confusing and scarey. WA are very very good. If he's got previous with the police, even just a warning, then they will take it seriously. You will be protected. Ask yourself how much worse can things get? Much much worse if you allow him to carry on . Pleae keep safe.

bogeyface · 14/08/2012 02:11

Doin is right. Even if no action was taken at the time, it doesnt mean that it is disregarded. They will take it more seriously due to previous, unrelated (to you) allegations which he admitted to.

He doesnt have all the power, he just wants you to think that he has. WA will help you to see that.

doinmummy · 14/08/2012 02:32

It's all very well him apologising after the event but he quite clearly cant control his temper.

i put up with DV for far too long but the one thing that made me take action was when exOH involved my DD. I called the police and they took him away.

You would call the police if a stranger did this to your DC and it should be no different just because it's your OH, in fact it's worse.

Original poster

janflan · 14/08/2012 07:44

He has custody of his older children. He says she walked away and left them but now I'm not sure. I've spoken to his ex wife when he punched his eldest son but she didn't seem too concerned just said oh he'll never change and started telling me about her new furniture!

I've been thinking what to do and i had an idea. Tell him it's over and i can't trust him with our son so he'll have to see him here when i can keep an eye on things. The first sign of shut ups or violence and he can leave. Once he's completed a domestic violence course i will rethink the situation. Any other instances or threats and I'll call the police and document this incident and the one before it

This morning I've woken up and him talking pictures of our son last night just after spending 10 mins in the hall texting someone is bothering me.

There were no red marks left from where he strangled him by then but he is covered in mosquito bites. Bad bites he's picked so they look awful. I wouldn't put it past him to try and make out they're cigarette burns and I've done it. He's got a very good lawyer friend who i can imagine him texting.

I'm going to ring woman's aid today.

OP posts:

Original poster

janflan · 14/08/2012 09:13

I've spoken to woman's aid and I'm about to call the police now.

I'm shitting myself.

OP posts:

bogeyface · 14/08/2012 09:37

He punched his son too?

THis man is a complete nightmare and the sooner you get away from him, the better.

Good luck with the police xx

MiniTheMinx · 14/08/2012 10:04

He punched his son!! this man isn't stressed he is MAD and the sooner you get yourself away from him the better. Because he has previous you are unlikely to have much difficulty getting a court order.

Well done you for ringing womans aid and the police, stay strong and please keep talking here when you need to, we all want to know you are safe.

OhWesternWind · 14/08/2012 13:11

Well done, stay strong. You are absolutely doing the right thing. Talk to the police about your concerns and they will be able to help you.

The more you post about this man, the worst it sounds. You are a great mum and doing what you are doing will help keep your son (and you) safe in the future.

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