Lots of hand holding required please.

[janflan]

My partners temper has been getting worse lately. He's got family problems which are causing a lot of stress.

He's constantly telling our child to shut up when he's trying to watch tv and they talk. If he's trying to fix something he needs complete silence or the shut ups start and the strops happen.

Last week he told our child to fuck offand i made him leave. That was because he'd told our child they could go on the wii after tea but when it came to it wouldn't switch over. He left but then phoned me to say sorry and that he was stressed about his family problems. I let him back in but now I'm wishing i didn't.

This evening he grabbed our child on the neck because they wouldn't come downstairs when he was told. I tried o make him leave but he wouldn't. He was threatening to take the computer he'd bought me yesterday back. I told him to take it if it got rid of him too. He didn. 't take it in the end. Our child was ok had red marks on his neck but thankfully wasn't hurt.

He left eventually after a few hours and was cross i wouldn't kiss him goodbye.

We're not living together at the moment.

I'm scared what's going to happen next. I don't want to be with him but i don't want him having our child on his own. He's not going to take that kindly. He's threatened to take our child before if i ever leave him and he's very manipulative. I'm worried he'll tell a bunch of lies to get our child.

I know i have to be strong but I'm worried sick.

[bogeyface]

Why are you thinking about getting back together with him ?!

You do know that this fucking psycho, who thinks nothing of physically assaulting ALL of his children, will never change dont you? And by allowing him back into your life as a partner you will be opening the door to a hell of alot more involvment with social services. Children have been removed because their mothers refused to end relationships with abusers.

[FermezLaBouche]

Children have been removed because their mothers refused to end relationships with abusers.
Absolutely. One of my pupils a few months ago for this exact reason.

Please don't let this dangerous man back into your life.

[janflan]

No that's not what i meant.

I meant social services are happy to leave it here as long as ex has no unsupervised access. I meant if we were to get back together then they would get back involved.

There is no way in hell we will get back together i was just saying what the social worker said.

[MiniTheMinx]

How are you going to organise for ExP to see your DS? If you are being left to make an informal arrangement that places both of you at risk. How do you feel about having to negotiate contact with ExP?

[janflan]

I'm really not sure what to do. I'm terrified of how he's going to be after i got him arrested. He's either going to be mad as hell or he's going to be sorry and remorseful. That's why the social worker is going to talk to him before i do to gauge his mood.

[BillyBollyBandy]

I think you have done amazingly well, you have put your ds first and sadly that is not always the case.

Well done you, very brave as well

[bogeyface]

Sorry I misunderstood, it was your comment earlier about you being happy if he gets help with his temper etc too.

Glad that you are not entertaining any idea of having him back.

[janflan]

I will be happy if he gets help with his temper so he can be a good dad. I didn't really want my boys to go through the trauma of a court case. I'm really hoping he's learnt his lesson.

As for getting back with him there's no way. The image of my son's face and the marks on his neck will haunt me forever.

He asked me earlier when he was going to see daddy because he's missing him. I said I'd try and arrange something for the next day or so. He's happy the police told his dad off. He said you will protect me won't you and i promised i would. It breaks my heart that i have to protect my son from the other person who's supposed to have his best interestsat heart.

I usually love my own company but i feel very alone once my son's in bed. I'm missing my eldest. Everything just feels wrong at the moment.

[MiniTheMinx]

Loving your own company when you choose is one thing........ I know, but it will get easier and tomorrow is another day. Try to get out of the house and spend some quality time with ds. Maybe use the evening to research on the internet some cheap/free local things to do.

Your son must be very confused, children don't stop loving their parents just because their parents are cruel. It's all entirely normal and eventually perhaps DS can have a better relationship with his father but at the moment you need to keep him and you safe.

[janflan]

I'm struggling a bit today. We should be going to a local kids club where all my friends and ds's will be. I know it'll do us good but the thought of leaving the house is sending me into complete panic. The kid's usually play outside while we drink coffee inside but I'll have to stay outside with him.

My sisters also suggested meeting her for lunch and that's sending me into panic mode too.

I'm usually really strong and capable but this has broken me. Please tell me it'll get better.

[Kirsty240287]

I think going out for a few hours with friends and ur sis would be a really good idea! You don't have to tell them anything you don't want to but if they guess something is wrong then at least you'll have some real life support. Maybe they can call in for a few hours in the evening to keep you company and stop you milling through things in your mind.

It will get better, take it one day at a time. Please consider going out today, your son can have some time playing and if you do want to talk to your friends at least he wont over hear you and you can say what you really want to about his dad without him getting upset.

I think I'm rambling a bit so hope some of that made sense. Take care x

[janflan]

Thanks that does make sense. My friends and family know now. I kept a lot of it to myself for a long time and it's only now I'm telling people.

[janflan]

Ok need advice now.

Have just spoken to ex. He was very sorry and doesn't blame me at all. He wants help with his problems before he comes back here to see ds. He said all the right things etc.

He spoke to ds on the phone but didn't apologise to him.

He wants to meet at a village pub at 7pm in the middle of no where down loads of windy lanes.

I agreed at the time but now I'm thinking about it i don't think it's such a good idea.

[Kirsty240287]

My gut instinct would be not to go, why this particular pub? Obviously I don't know where you live, it maybe the only one around but just sounds a bit odd. Can you say your not feeling well or something, or at least speak to a friend or family member and see if they can come with you and sit at a different table.

Oh and I'm glad ppl in the real world now know and can help you.

[MiniTheMinx]

I would say it was just too soon to be meeting face to face especially in the back of beyond and the middle of no where. Seems very strange. Have you been to this pub before, why this pub? Could you take someone with you or just say no and say you'll ring him in a few days.

[janflan]

We used to go to this pub quite often.

There are other pubs that are along proper roads in the next town.

My gut instincts are telling me not to trust him.

On the phone he was almost too good to be true.

[Kirsty240287]

Hmm just text him and say something along the lines of, tbh after the last few days and everything that's happened I need a few days to myself to clear my head, and I've got a banging headache I can't shift, hope you understand.

If you get abuse back then I would think there was more to the meeting than a friendly chat

[janflan]

I've suggested somewhere more public or for him to come here.

He really doesn't want to come here for some reason.

Am waiting for him to call back.

Looks like he's going to lose his job after he was arrested at work. His boss wanted a copy of the caution cause ex had said we'd had a row and i over reacted. Once his boss saw the caution himself and it says common assault to ds by beating he wasn't happy at all.

[frustratedmum2]

personally I would not rush to go and see him at all, you need to get some perspective from your situation, why not ask him to give you a week, give yourself some time to think things through and see what you really want. If he gets angry at that its his problem, what he did was unacceptable. Give yourself time to get strong, you are in no state to meet him now and a few days before seeing his child will not do either of them any harm.

[janflan]

He's coming here instead now and has said if he starts getting angry he'll leave. He's bringing his 15 year old son with him too.

Any hassle and I'll call the police.

Wish me luck i think I'm going to need it!

[MiniTheMinx]

I wouldn't invite him into the house if it's just you and ds because he might be very angry over the threat of losing his job. Either that or he might be telling you his boss has threatened him with dismissal to make you feel sorry for him. It might not be true?????

I would be inclined to say no meeting until you feel up to it and no meeting with DS until you two have spoken. Just say you'll call him when you are ready, just to see what his reaction is.

See what his reaction is when you take control of the situation. If he is upset or angry then you know he is any but sorry for his actions and he really is a controlling bully.

[MiniTheMinx]

He has said if he starts getting angry he will leave!!!! but he can't make sensible choices when he is angry, otherwise he wouldn't have throttled your little boy. :(

[maristella]

Why on earth are you putting your children and yourself through this? There is absolutely no need for him to be in your home after he assaulted your child! You would have been safer in the pub

[bogeyface]

Is there anyone who can be there with you?

Please thinnk about some of the horrific headlines there have been recently, DONT BE THERE ON YOUR OWN!

[bogeyface]

Call the police NOW and see what they advise. They may be able to flag up your property so all you have to do is dial 999 and they will get to you straight away.

Can you ask your neighbours to call 999 if they hear raised voices?

Whatever you do, keep your phone on you, with 999 as the last number dialled so you can call it quickly.