Lots of hand holding required please.

[janflan]

My partners temper has been getting worse lately. He's got family problems which are causing a lot of stress.

He's constantly telling our child to shut up when he's trying to watch tv and they talk. If he's trying to fix something he needs complete silence or the shut ups start and the strops happen.

Last week he told our child to fuck offand i made him leave. That was because he'd told our child they could go on the wii after tea but when it came to it wouldn't switch over. He left but then phoned me to say sorry and that he was stressed about his family problems. I let him back in but now I'm wishing i didn't.

This evening he grabbed our child on the neck because they wouldn't come downstairs when he was told. I tried o make him leave but he wouldn't. He was threatening to take the computer he'd bought me yesterday back. I told him to take it if it got rid of him too. He didn. 't take it in the end. Our child was ok had red marks on his neck but thankfully wasn't hurt.

He left eventually after a few hours and was cross i wouldn't kiss him goodbye.

We're not living together at the moment.

I'm scared what's going to happen next. I don't want to be with him but i don't want him having our child on his own. He's not going to take that kindly. He's threatened to take our child before if i ever leave him and he's very manipulative. I'm worried he'll tell a bunch of lies to get our child.

I know i have to be strong but I'm worried sick.

[janflan]

Thanks for thinking of me. I'm feeling a lot better today. I'm pretty sure ex doesn't want to kill me so I've relaxed a bit. My eldest ds is coming home tonight and i have to get back to work tomorrow so some normality won't be a bad thing.

We've spent a lot of time with ex this weekend and we've talked loads. Can men like this ever change? He's going to get some anger management and he's asked me to do some joint therapy. I've said i will but I'm not promising anything will change by the end of it. He's not pushing me to get back together he knows there were a lot of problems in our relationship. He also knows social services will not allow us to be together anyway.

I'm not really sure how i feel to be honest. He'd have to have a complete personality change before i even considered being with him and i don't know if that's possible. When i see him i miss how things used to be when they were good. When I'm not with him i remember the bad times and what he did. My feelings are changing on a minute by minute basis.

Ds is calming down a bit but is still not his usual self. I've got to ring back tomorrow about the play therapy and I'm hoping that will help. I told him this morning about the holiday. He was a bit upset but took it a lot better than i thought he would. If i could afford it I'd take him away for a few days but I can't. I'm going to take him to the beach for the day instead. I promised him we'll save up and have a fantastic holiday next year and he seemed quite happy with that.

[tuckingfits]

Good for you Jan. The holiday stuff sounds very positive & is something lovely to aim for.

I don't know about him changing. Haven't been in the situation but I'm sure others will advise that in their experience np they don't change. From my point of view,I don't think I would ever trust him again to be able to relax fully so,looking in from the outside I don't think I'd consider getting back together. Buuut,it's not my situation & you will do what you think best.

You will have support here whatever happens.

[janflan]

It's all gone quiet and it's unsettling me. Ex was supposed to ring Ds this evening but he hasn't. He's having a visit from social services tomorrow and I'm dreading what he's going to make me out to be.

[tuckingfits]

But whatever he makes you out to be Social Services have seen & heard it all before. He is the one who hurt your son. Not you. Even if there is an investigation into you that will still be the case.

He is probably shitting himself about tomorrow & that'll be why he wasn't in touch tonight. Try not to imagine what he's thinking or might say or do. You can't know & it won't be healthy for you. Good luck for a "positive" outcome from tomorrow.x

[janflan]

Thanks it's weird because when he's in contact all the time I'm wanting him to leave me alone but the silence and second guessing is worse.

[tuckingfits]

It's the same with many break-Ups - I remember the torment of wondering why someone wasn't in contact & then wishing they weren't when they were. And your situation is more complicated & difficult than a bog standard end of a relationship,so it's natural that you'll be even more thrown.

Look at tonight as a positive - it's been peaceful & you can allow that to be relaxing if you can accept that you have no influence over his thoughts or actions & that you can't deal with anything until.it.has happened & come to light.

Sorry.for full stops everywhere.

[janflan]

Yeah you're right i need to just stop worrying and enjoy the peace.

[tuckingfits]

Difficult though. Hope I didn't come across as unsympathetic...

[janflan]

No not at all you're really helping me.

[boredandrestless]

He has been physically abusive to his older son, his DD's have reported him, and he has harmed your DS now too. This man is an abuser, you deserve better than having someone like that in your life.

I would try and sort out some set contact times. You've mentioned he used to come round after work. He may well be thinking everything will settle down and he can carry on as normal 'popping round' whenever he pleases. Now your DS has been harmed by him it would be more reassuring for him to have set days.

I would also try to have someone round if you can, or meet in a public place.
Start to keep a log too of factual stuff. Texts received, how any contact went, any comments he or your ds makes, etc.

[janflan]

I'm pretty much resigned to the fact he's not going to change. He's being so nice and reasonable it's a shame he couldn't be like that all the time before.

We are awaiting his arrival to see ds this evening. The social worker will have been to his house by now so it will be interesting to see what mood he's in.

I just can't wait for this bit to be over and for everything to settle down. For ds to calm down and be the lovely boy he is instead of full of anger. I feel like I'm in a fog most of the time and doing anything takes so much effort. My business is suffering too because I've gone from working pretty much full on to doing the bare minimum to tick over.

Need to go and do some housework before ex arrives but i can't be bothered. I look like crap and i don't even care.

[tuckingfits]

Hi,just saw your latest reply. I hope the visit is done & dusted by now & that it went ok. I've forgotten how old your son is,sorry. I think 8ish? Poor little soul. Does he actually want to see his dad? I don't really know what to say because my buy is only 18 months so I don't know what makes older boys tick yet. Is he angry in general or just at issues surrounding his dad? If it's about his dad,might it be an idea to try & explain to your ex that maybe visits could wait for a week or two until.ds feels safer & less angry about things? If it's general anger (and indeed if it's dad-focussed) what counselling would be available to help him talk about the way he feels?

Not much use to you I'm afraid but I do hope your son feels better rapidly & just to.let you know there's someone thinking of you frequently & admiring your strength in.protecting your son.

[janflan]

Thanks the visit went ok no problems. My son is 6. He does want to see his dad and the anger is more in general than directed at anyone.

Ex said he was enjoying the break and he thinks I'm the one being punished having to look after ds on my own! To be fair ex didn't really do much so it's not much different for me. Comments like that remind me what a twat he is. He still thinks that in a few months everything will be fine and we'll be back together. Well he can think again.

[tuckingfits]

Good for you! He does sound like he really has no grasp on the reality & seriousness of what he has done.

I know what you mean about doing nearly everything yourself & life not being much different. I'm sure my dp think I find it heard when he's away but tbh it's easier because I only have one child to.look after & clean up behind!!

[janflan]

Yes that's very true. I find I'm a lot calmer now when he's not here because I'm not expecting any help so just get on and do it. He was here tonight and i was working so i asked him to shower ds. I had to ask 3 times before he answered me and i was seething inside.

Ds has been a lot better today. Almost back to normal which makes things a lot nicer.

Ex is going on our holiday with his eldest son on the weekend so we'll have a full week of peace.

[tuckingfits]

Hurrah! for a full week of peace!! Hopefully it will give you & your son the chance to adjust to a new & less stressed way of life. A good opportunity. Still thinking of you.

[janflan]

I need to do a massive post but i haven't got time now so I'm bumping so s can find it easier later.

[ladyWordy]

Hope you are ok janflan.

[janflan]

Thought i'd update and remembered how well this thread kept me going at the worst times.

Things have been a lot better than they were. But ex kept talking about and acting like we were still together.

We've had some lovely days out with Ds and all has been calm so far. Although ex keeps banging on about him having an illness and it's not fair he's being punished when if he had a broken leg everyone would be supporting him! I did try and tell him that he wouldn't strangle his Son if he had a broken leg.

Anyway this afternoon we had a good chat and i told him how i felt. I said i would only consider us getting back together once we'd both had counselling and he's been through anger management and showed a marked improvement over the course of about 6 months maybe more and even then i don't know how i'm going to feel. I said i couldn't sort out my head if he kept complicating things trying to kiss me etc. I also said i wasn't planning on seeing anyone else (although i have been asked out for a drink with a 22yr old!) for the time being. I basically told him to like it or lump it it was up to him what he does but that's what i'm doing. If he wants to start seeing someone else that's fine. He said we could be together in secret. When i said i wasn't doing that he asked could we still have sex!

He left and i was wondering what on earth i could do to get myself out of it. But he came back and said he'd been thinking about things and that i was right. There's no way we can sort ourselves out if we're still entangled. He said he still loves me but that he will let me go and hope to get me back in the end. He's not going to act like we're together but will still coma and see Ds.

I still don't know how i'm feeling about him it's still changing on a minute by minute basis. I don't want to be back with him at the moment and i'm not sure i ever will. I do hope ex sorts himself out for Ds's sake because if he can carry on like this he'll be a brilliant Father.

I re read the whole thread earlier and some of it was painful to almost relive. I do want to say thank you to everyone who posted. You'll never know how much it helped.

[boredandrestless]

I hope you can remain distant emotionally while he is still coming around to see your ds.

I have to say I think lovely days out together will be confusing all round. Take DS for days out just you and him. Ex obv can't take his ds out for the day as he can't be unsupervised as he tried to strangle his own child.

What do you do when he comes round? I know it's hard as you have to supervise but can you be busy and not get too drawn into conversation? Be ironing, or something so he's not involving you in whatever activity he is doing with ds. (If he doesn't do anything with ds maybe suggest beforehand that your ds gets x,y or z out to play with or do with his dad.

I hope he does accept you are not going to be getting back together but I doubt he will. Please stay on your guard. Not being together isn't something you should have to try and get out of, the conversation you have had should be enough.

If he continues trying to kiss you and stuff like that I think you should look into contact centres or something.

Are you getting any support still now things have settled?