Lots of hand holding required please.

[janflan]

My partners temper has been getting worse lately. He's got family problems which are causing a lot of stress.

He's constantly telling our child to shut up when he's trying to watch tv and they talk. If he's trying to fix something he needs complete silence or the shut ups start and the strops happen.

Last week he told our child to fuck offand i made him leave. That was because he'd told our child they could go on the wii after tea but when it came to it wouldn't switch over. He left but then phoned me to say sorry and that he was stressed about his family problems. I let him back in but now I'm wishing i didn't.

This evening he grabbed our child on the neck because they wouldn't come downstairs when he was told. I tried o make him leave but he wouldn't. He was threatening to take the computer he'd bought me yesterday back. I told him to take it if it got rid of him too. He didn. 't take it in the end. Our child was ok had red marks on his neck but thankfully wasn't hurt.

He left eventually after a few hours and was cross i wouldn't kiss him goodbye.

We're not living together at the moment.

I'm scared what's going to happen next. I don't want to be with him but i don't want him having our child on his own. He's not going to take that kindly. He's threatened to take our child before if i ever leave him and he's very manipulative. I'm worried he'll tell a bunch of lies to get our child.

I know i have to be strong but I'm worried sick.

[janflan]

The police man has just left. They're going to arrest him this afternoon. I'm in absolute bits trying to be strong. I've also told my family who knew nothing everything and they have rallied round.

I know I've done the right thing but stupidly i feel guilty and so scared of the consequences.

[Kirsty240287]

What a charming man! I don't understand how he has custody of his kids from the previous relationship if he admitted to verbally abusing them and punching the boy!? Anyway I guess that's not for you to deal with.

I see you aren't living together but does he have a key? Would it be worth changing the locks just to put your mind at ease? The police should be able to advise I would have thought.

You've done the right thing by calling them, and I'd stick to your guns about supervised access to your son, don't let him persuade you he's changed.

Stay strong, I know you will be feeling all sort of mixed emotions at the min but yours and your sons safety have to come first.

I hope you have friends and family in real life to talk to, if not feel free to PM me x

[OhWesternWind]

With regard to access to your son, does your son want to see him? When I was in this situation I withheld access full stop as I was not convinced the children would be safe and they were very scared of seeing him. Eventually ex took me to court for access but was not granted any contact even indirect.

You are doing so brilliantly here, you should be proud of yourself. It is a scary situation to be in. Do you have access to free legal advice eg through a union, insurance policy or if not a lot of solicitors will give you a free half hour. They will help you stay strong if you know what your legal rights are.

Please pm me if you want any help or just to chat.

[janflan]

Thanks for the support il's really helping.

The police haven't arrested him yet and I'm worried he'll turn up here after work as usual.

Social services have been in touch and they're coming in the morning.

I feel so sick and worried don't know what to do with myself.

[janflan]

He's been arrested. He was really shocked apparently. They're going to let me know when he's released so i can breathe easy for a bit.

What are social services likely to do?

[madda]

stay strong

your child needs you to protect him

you can do this

that man is dangerous

MN threads are full of men like this atm, what is going on?

[madda]

change the locks also

do you have a family place to stay? or can family member stay with you for a few days?

is your 6yr old ok?

so proud of you so far, you have guts to do this

[janflan]

He hasn't got a key to my house so i won't need to change the locks.

My Sister has been here all day and my dad is coming over soon. I'll be on my own with my son tonight, my eldest has gone to stay with his dad for a bit because he's really upset at what's going on. He's 15 so understands a bit more what's going on. My 6 year old is absolutely fine, you wouldn't know anything had happened.

I'd not leaving our home, i don't think he's stupid enough to come over. Any sign and I'll call 999.

[janflan]

Everyone has gone and hi feel so alone.

My emotions are all over the place one minute I'm thinking I've done the right thing and the next I'm thinking I've made a big mistake.

Everything is out of my control now and i feel a bit helpless.

[madda]

janflan, you are bound to feel all over the place

but think of it, do you want a home that is predicably safe, loving, carefree and warm for you and your DCs

or do you want an unpredictable, violent, unstable, edgy atmosphere every other day or each day?

I know what I would choose, and I know what you and your DCs deserve

[Sunnywithachanceofshowers]

You have absolutely done the right thing. Big hugs xxx

[OhWesternWind]

You are doing so well. When SS come they will probably talk to you and your son about what happened and what the situation is with your ex. They are not there to judge but they need to make sure there's no danger to your son from your ex. Some of their questions might seem a bit intrusive but just answer honestly and stay calm. SS involvement means there will be more proof documented about what happened and this could be so important in the future.

Can anyone come over and keep you company or is there someone you can phone to keep you occupied and stop all the stuff keep going round in your head? Btw WA often offer a free counselling service which is much quicker to access than the nhs and is also tailored to people coping with the aftermath of DV.

Good luck. You are doing brilliantly. I know what you have done is far from easy and I admire you so much for finding the strength and determination to protect your son in the best way possible.

[JustFabulous]

The only mistake you will make is if you let him back.

He shouts at your child, he swears at your child, he assaults your child. See how it has escalated?

[MiniTheMinx]

You have absolutely done the right thing to protect you and DC, well done. Today must have been very tough and you have been very brave. (((hugs)))

Social services will probably just want a chat with you and then with your son, they will take a few notes. If the police intend to press charges against your ex for assualt against your son, then they might want to get you and dc in for an interview with a social worker, which is likely to be recorded so your son would not have to give any evidence in front of a court. Don't panic though, they will not ask leading questions and it is best to get the incident recorded in your son's own words as well as yours. Social worker will absolutely not be there to interrogate you.

[janflan]

Thanks again.

The police have phoned. He admitted the strangling but denied the spitting so they've let him off with a caution. He's still not allowed any contact until social services have done a risk assesment. Not sure what's going to happen next.

I'm sat here in the dark so if he does come over he won't know i'm here.

[JustFabulous]

So spitting is seen as worse than strangling? And why wasn't that admission enough to charge him with assaulting a minor?

[janflan]

Th police officer i spoke to made it sound like it was a good thing it not going to court. So my son doesn't have to give evidence. He said if he'd have denied everything then it would have gone to court. As long as nothing like this happens again and he learns his lesson and gets help with his anger problems then I'm happy.

Still waiting to find out what time the social worker is coming. I'm feeling a lot better today than i did yesterday. Although i still have the sick panicky feelings and i can't eat which if you knew me is very unusual.

My son is acting as normal just doing what he usually does. It broke my heart when he said to the police man that daddy needs help with his anger or he won't get any presents off Santa. He didn't ask where his dad was last night which is strange, he sees him everyday and normally asks where he is if he doesn't come over.

Woke up this morning and had a split second of peace before i realised my life had turned into a living nightmare or an episode of the jk show.

[JustFabulous]

Sorry, I have never read such crap from a police officer.

Leaving the thread.

[MiniTheMinx]

Hi JanFlan, Sadly the police response doesn't surprise me but the details are at least logged. The police are often hopeless and the CPS beyond rational.

However the incidents will be on record which at the moment is better than not. Social workers WILL of course take the incidents more seriously and if you can get a court order keeping DP away, then he will have to apply to the court for access, at that point it will be turned down unless he seeks help with his behaviour. If he is granted any access it is likely to be supervised.

Have womens aid pointed you in the direction of a solicitor and some legal help or explained the process to get the court order?

[janflan]

I'm not lying that's what he said.

He's great at manipulating people. I said before he admitted to doing the same to his daughters and he didn't even get a caution that time!

The social worker was a bit shocked when i told her so she needs to speak to her manager and ring me back.

[MiniTheMinx]

I'm sure the social worker is very shocked, the police are (sexist) often male and the force is over run with male opinion!

Stick to your guns and don't forget to try and get some advice about obtaining a court order to protect you and little DS.

[solidgoldbrass]

Don't worry, you are doing everything right. If this man doesn't even have a key to your place you can simply keep the door shut and not let him in; if he starts banging and shouting, you can call the police to come and remove him, which they will do. He doesn't live in your home therefore has no right at all to enter it.

[janflan]

The social worker has been and asked me loads of questions. As long as ex has no unsupervised access they're happy for it to end there. She's sending me a form to sign stating that i won't allow it. Obviously if we were to get back together then that would change.

She's going to phone him tomorrow to tell him that so it's coming from an official source as well as me.

I'm scared of speaking to him or seeing him. Any sign of trouble and I'm kicking him out and calling 999.

I just almost had a panic attack in the shop. I'm a nervous wreak.

Ds has been getting very angry today. Think it's taking it's toll on him too despite me trying to shield him from much of it.

[MiniTheMinx]

Did the social worker give you the details for a contact centre or family centre where you could take DS to see his father. This way there will always be other people around and it won't be just you and him.

[janflan]

She said if he kicked off again she would.