I found a list in my husbands pocket

[InSearchOfSunrise]

I've posted before about our difficult situation, relationship breaking down etc.

I just found a list in my husbands pocket with all our worldly possessions in a column, prices, and buyers. The buyers were all his family.

I feel sick to my stomach. Those were things we bought together. How can he compile such a list and how can his family be scavenging for bargains when our family is falling apart?

Feel sick and don't know what to do. Can he do this? I'm having images of his family just walking in and picking up my things and walking out with them, and me not being able to stop them, with a six month pregnancy and a 3 year old watching as her things are carted away for peanuts.

Please someone help

I know offred, and I am well aware of that.

However, there has been aspects of my behaviour that has also been abusive in many different ways. I also am aware of that.

Without realising, it's got to this point now, and I just don't know if it will be repairable or not.

I know I had a huge panic over him leaving, but my logic is telling me that it is probably a good, healthy thing if he does.

However, due to the nature of our relationship being so much me being looked after by him prior to all these issues, financially and physically, I find it difficult to come to terms with being 'alone', and not having him there to share in parenting and house stuff and everything really.
I find it hard work parenting alone - I burn out quickly and ironically, he has always been the patient one who has dealt with DD's illness/vomiting/night crying.
And I know that he isn't that person right now, so I won't in reality be losing that kind of relationship as that has already gone.
But I want that back so badly.

I'm sure there are things you've done that were horrible, I don't know about abusive. I think either way it matters not. It can't carry on. It has become an abusive relationship. It won't go back to how it was before. I think I said on the last thread it was like flogging a dead horse.

I feel really sympathetic to you, it is a horrible time for you right now and he's being horrible to you. Really horrible truly.

Oh I know i was abusive.
As much as I'm not excusing his behaviour, I can't brush mine under the carpet either. It was abusive at times, and it started a long time before his started (one example is smashing up his work laptop to smithereens, over a general argument, that he had to pay £500 for out of his pocket).

I've done my fair share.

The bottom line, whatever happened here, is that this is a toxic situation for your daughter. I also DO NOT BELIEVE that you were that terrible and awful to him. I just don't. If you were, he would not have pleaded with you to have this baby - and you would not have agreed to have it.

Hang on in there. You are going to feel horribly conflicted at this point in time. But whatever has happened and whoever is to blame is, to an extent, not important. Kids should not be exposed to the level of hurt and rage and resentment and violence you describe. Just no way. And I can't see any way you could salvage this to a different, healthy dynamic - certainly not when sleep deprived and juggling the needs of two very tiny, dependent and demanding little people.

I'm sorry but I can't see any good things coming from reconciliation here. You have tried it, repeatedly from the sounds, and things just keep deteriorating futher.

We've talked properly.
He said he's going abroad - the job is genuine.

He's going to leave us potentially homeless, with me on the brink of giving birth, and go.

Everyone please tell me this over and over again so that it sinks in to my thick skull, so I can DO something apart from cry.

Do you think he had this job offer and has been working out how to alienate you so he can leave without feeling guilty and in his head making it all your fault. I

t sounds like my exh who decided he wanted to go to uni hundreds of miles away and couldn't cope with hassle of us or cost of a child :(

Greenwich - its very likely.

He said once he's settled we can come over.

That is the single saddest thing I have heard in all of my 28 years.

It sounds like the biggest issue in your marriage in the early years was your inability to communicate properly with each other properly.

You will survive, you will be fine, it will be a good life in the end. It hurts so much at the time though I remember the searing pain I went through, be kind to yourself.

Has he considered the financial implications? Have you? The csa have no jurisdiction outside the uk so you wouldn't be able to depend on maintenance. Also I'm not sure how it would affect your ability to divorce? It looks as though he is planning to run and leave you with his debt :/

Actually it is possibly get maintenence from abroad you simply have to ask the Court here to chase it up for you, provided it's a Hague convention country.... so don't worry about that, I will happily send you copies of letters you need to start that process.

You will still be able to divorce him, but make sure you get proceedings started ehre and don't leave it tohim otherwise ANY hearing will take place in the Country the papers are filed.

Why would you go over? He should come here. You have too stop being so weak about him OP. he is obviously a knob to do this to you. The first step is accepting that he's going and he doesn't want you anymore. You will be fine, have you spoken to anyone in RL? X

Liza offers sound advice sunrise, please take her up on her offer. Someone who has been where you are now will be invaluable.

You've done brilliantly getting organised and sorting things out. I can't believe what an utter tosser he's being :(

I think he may believe he has no financial obligations to his children if he moves overseas. Sucks to be him, if he's moving to certain countries, as Liza says. Please take her up on that offer - your babies need and deserve their legal entitlement to financial support.

A good man does not walk out on a woman about to give birth to their planned baby, nor their toddler. This is NOT your equal doing. Please stop saying that. Can you imagine any way in this universe that you would abandon your kids?

Also do not go oner to where he is....that will set a preciedent for contact visits in the future, you need to make it clear from the start that he should be visitng his children not that they should be carted around at his convenience.

Seriously PM me, happy to help if I can - always think we need to get the best possible value out of the money we had to spend on Solicitors and Barristers.

I hate to raise this, but given what he has said about wanting DD, and not knowing which country he is moving to, perhaps you should also have a look on the Reunite website.

Sadly this happens more than you would think - to mothers and fathers alike. There are steps you can take to protect yourself and your DD.

:( that's why we know so much here perfectstorm.

it does happen more than you think. The reunite people are smashing though, really helpful and bothered about people I can't say enough good things about them.

Really sorry to hear that you've experienced that, Liza. I think the problem is often that people can't believe their (ex)partner would be so viciously cruel to the children, however angry with the other parent, until it's too late and the child has been removed/the parent has done a runner, selling the house from under the family, with no intention of paying any child support.

I hope things have worked out as well as possible for you and your kid(s)..

nooo, thank God, not that bad, we paid attention the threat and spent a lot of time and money securing court orders to ensure if DS is ever lifted he'll be back qucker than you can say 'Specific Issues Order'

But it was a long, expensive battle, we learnt a lot and are very happy to share what we know. Because it's a shit way to live with your children and we spent 18 months not having any protection in place and waiting for it to happen.

There is stuff you need to know about if you're seriously going to be dealing with a potentially difficult partner and your children going abroad. The first thing is Don't go to the country. As soon as you go to the country you are setting the precedent for visits to take place there. If you TAKE the child/ren you are setting the precedent for you managing their travel arrangements and bearing the cost of them. As visits are likely to take place until your children are adults you can do the maths for return flights, transport each end at the airport possible accomodation etc.

Like I said PM me, I won't divert your thread with this!

I didn't mean he would be absolved of his responsibilities entirely btw, just that is is much harder and more expensive to get things sorted out and enforced so you can't depend on it like you can if he was here.

I've been to see the IDVA.

She was fab. She's going to write a letter for my housing situation regarding the abuse and the looming eviction. She is also going to contact my housing person by phone. Hopefully these things will help to make me more of a priority on the housing register.

Also, I rang in and a kind midwife made me an appointment with my consultant to check all is ok with baby, on monday.

I've also been advised to make appointment with gp regarding low mood and depression. Which I will do.
I'm at the opticians now, sorting out my lenses.
I have to go food shopping and learn how to put petrol in the car - I've never done the petrol before, he always did it for me.

Mountains to climb. Can I carry on like this. How. So so exhausted.

one step at a time.

you can do anything, one step at a time.

Don't look too far ahead for now, just get on with each task.

You will be fine.

And ask for help at the petrol station, it's no big deal.

Do this thing, it will be the start of your empowerment.

Given you are almost 9 months pregnant, and looking at the list you just typed of what you accomplished today, on top of looking after a toddler and sorting your messed up (by DH!) housing out... I think you are amazing and could manage pretty well anything.

Thanks perfect x

Thanks for the pom poms Liza

I also told my mum today.

I've also spoken to his mum - after months of no contact. And omg , what bullshit he's been feeding them.

I told her about the notice
I told her about the Ladbrokes receipts
I told her about our homelessness
I told her about his mind fucking
I told her everything.

She was appalled.

Well done you.

Amazing what happens when you stop looking through the bullshit lens they create for you isn't it.

The future is going to be very bright for you I'm quite sure.