I found a list in my husbands pocket

[InSearchOfSunrise]

I've posted before about our difficult situation, relationship breaking down etc.

I just found a list in my husbands pocket with all our worldly possessions in a column, prices, and buyers. The buyers were all his family.

I feel sick to my stomach. Those were things we bought together. How can he compile such a list and how can his family be scavenging for bargains when our family is falling apart?

Feel sick and don't know what to do. Can he do this? I'm having images of his family just walking in and picking up my things and walking out with them, and me not being able to stop them, with a six month pregnancy and a 3 year old watching as her things are carted away for peanuts.

Please someone help

The way he looked after dd and me when dd was born, the way he loved me for all that time. The way he looked at me, the way he smiled, the way he said only dd and I gave him peace and happiness at the end of a long day.

Where is that man gone.

Oh Sunrise, new on this thread, but so know how you're feeling. Just try to stay strong, deal with the necessities, and sob into your pillow when you need to. It's how I've been coping for the past 4m at least and is getting a tiny bit easier. Your DD will be fine, even when you're crying, just hug her and tell her how much you love her and how perfect she is. It's all you can do in that situation and what I do with my two younger DD's. A good solicitor and mediation service (which will be free for you once he has left) will soon have him realising he cannot behave like this over your possesions and your life.
The grief will remain raw for a long time, but the spells of sunshine will peek through more and more often for you soon.x

You memories weren't playing you false. That is who he was then. But it isn't who he is now.

Can you admire and respect the man he is now? Trust him with your love and feelings? The bedrock of a relationship is trust, respect and love. Without all 3 a relationship will founder. Trust and respect erode first, imo, love is the last to fade. But remember a lot of that is to do with memory and relationship history and you are having to deal with this man and his cruelties in the here and now.

Don't underestimate yourself. There is a reserve of courage in you a mile wide. The way you've stood up to H is to be applauded. You've tackled the practical stuff with gusto. You have brought up a fab little girl who clearly loves you and you will do the same with dc2. You have a good friend and family who will be by your side if you only ask them to be. Courage.

I left my EA husband years ago. Even though I had every good reason to leave, it hurt because I was grieving for the man he had been before things went bad. xx

You are incredibly brave and strong.

I'm so sorry. I want that for you both too.

But he has changed - not you. Remember that. Sorry post was sent before I was ready

Practically speaking in this situation I had a home birth so my birth partner could also look after my son (who was 15 months) and it was wonderful and safe. If your housing is still a problem then you could consider using your birth partner as a babysitter for dd and having a doula to support you in labour. There is a hardship fund for people who can't afford to pay.

I'm sorry sunrise x

I don't think he should be involved with the birth or caring for dd while you labour or it will make the labour harder.

Havnt slept.

Spoke to DH, we talked for hours.

He seems to have so much hurt stored up in his heart - and he keeps saying he's going, and then lapsing back into normal conversation with me.

I don't know what to think anymore.

Is he going? Why is he being like this then? Why is he talking to me like I'm still his wife?
Why is he having normal conversations with me, then revealing more hurt?

I just don't get any of it.

Yes Ive hurt him in the past. I've left him over rows, taken DD and dissapeared. He said his kids would never be his because I always packed up and left ( I had a thread about this under a different username about how id left and restricted access to dd on a couple of occasions).

My head is fucked. Is this how men leave a marriage?
Is it really this torturous for everyone?

He said I didn't look as though I wanted to be in a relationship with him.

I was always on the phone or on my laptop, and my mind was always elsewhere.

I never rang him during the day just to ask what time is he coming home or just for a chat.
I thought it would disturb him - I honestly did.
He said these are just small examples of his unhappiness.

I just got comfortable with him, I suppose. I didn't think twice about staying on my laptop all evening , till late at night most nights. But he'd say he was going to bed to sleep. How was I to know these secret resentments?
He said I tramped around the house all day wearing pajamas and only dressed up when I went out with friend's, ie, when away from him.
He didn't feel respected because I sent abusive text messages and went off on one over minor things - and I killed his confidence by being a know it all the time, and steam rollering him.
I was always miserable in his company but happy and bubbly with other people ( I didn't realise this). Again, it was because I felt comfortable.

I thought he would never leave me, whatever i did or however i behaved, I was that certain of his love for me.
Now he's saying he's going to find and marry someone who can give him who he wants.
I touched him earlier on his back without thinking, asking what that mark was, and he went very still, then responded in a way that meant he wanted me to continue being close and touching him (in a non- sexual way, it was DDs bath time and she was in the bath, and we were bathing her together as we do sometimes and I just saw this mark on his back and without thinking touched it to see what it was; it was from football).
But that is juxtaposed with things like ' I don't have any feelings left for you' and 'I can stand the sight of you'.
Really? Which one are you really feeling though and which one isn't real? His body language is screaming for me to be close, but his mouth is telling me the opposite.

Any shrinks out there?

And with regards to The List - the whole reason for starting this thread - he said I can keep what I want, and to make a fucking list of all the things I wanted to keep, so he can take what I don't want/need. I need everything! I wanted to add, including you, but the words got stuck in my throat

I said if you're leaving, you should be ashamed enough to walk out of that door empty handed except for your clothes. I'm not writing a list.

I'm so so sleepy and tired now that I really am posting crap and will regret these messages when I see them later.
Oh well. No one is here and I'm rambling to insanity. It's fine.

He is playing with your head sweetheart, you need to let go as he isn't the man he once was. People sometimes change for the worst and in this case, this is exactlly what has happened.
Believe in yourself, you deserve better.
Find the strength inside yourself to realise what this man is doing and break free-he said he is leaving, he said he cannot stand the sight of you. These do not sound like the words of a man that loves and respects you and if he had one ounce pf human decency within him, he would not be treating you like this whilst pregnant with his child.
Please look after yourself op, you don't need him. You just miss and crave the man he no longer is

Oh love, you're coping so well with an incredibly hard situation.

Make sure you eat and look after yourself.

If you can, get out with your DD today, just for some fresh air or go and see film with her.

Don't lose sight of the fact that he is being incredibly cruel to you at the moment and don't start taking responsibility for this situation. I'm sure he is upset as well but you are the one carrying the baby and that means your needs get to come first.

I wish I could some and look after you for 24 hours just so you got a break. Hope you have a better day.

I think I remember your other thread and you getting flamed and me being on it and really feeling like there was more to it than you just stealing his child. Was that you? In that thread I really believed the man had been at least verbally and emotionally abusive to the op for a long time.

Didnt he say he hated women and one of the reasons he has gone off you is he likes fine cuisine and you are an inadequate cook?

Ah, so this is where YOU are solely responsible for HIS happiness. And it makes HIM feel BETTER by pointing out YOUR perceived imperfections. What bollocks. D'know my STBExH did something similar - justified his affair on the basis I didn't empty the dishwasher (it was one of his very few chores in the house) and complained if he ever saw me relaxing and he wasn't! What an unpleasant individual. He is meant to love and treasure you and want your happiness - he is doing the exact opposite, hating and seething and wanting to debase you, so at least someone is lower than him. You are his whipping boy.

All this drama/thrashing it out is so tiring and he is jumping up and down on your self-confidence and self esteem. When you leave or kick him out (he's taking an awful long time to leave under his own steam isn't he?) the relief will be immense. You don't realise what a strain it's all been until they're gone.

Yes offred. That was me. And yes, he hates my cooking.

I'm so angry this morning.

Why am I letting him do this to me?
He's playing games with my head and really messing me up.

Why not pack his bags for him, help him on his way, as he's so keen to leave? But, oh wait, that would mean he's got no one to conveniently blame then.

You are by far the strength in this relationship.

You will feel messed up for a little while, it's only natural. He has turned your whole world upside down! Look at the chaos he is leaving behind.

I have no sympathy for him really. He seems to have provided you with an exhaustive list of why he's leaving; did he ever bring this up? Did he try to talk it through, work through your problems, go to counselling? Or has he just let it fester until now? Perhaps there were problems with the relationship, but if you don't address the problems you can never solve them.

The cooking thing has pissed me off actually. I'm a much better cook than my boyfriend, I like to try interesting recipes and actually cook rather than put pizza or burgers or chips in the oven. I'm happy to spend hours preparing and making something, and I'm always searching out new recipes. My boyfriend is happy with burger/sausages/breaded chicken with chips, frozen pizzas, jacket potatoes, etc. If I were left to my own devices I would very rarely, if ever, cook these things myself because they're not the kind of food I'm bothered about eating.

However given we split the cooking 50/50 I happily and graciously eat whatever he has taken the time to cook for us, be it pasta and sauce from a jar, something frozen he's put in the oven, or whatever. I love him for sharing the workload with me, and cooking for me. I would never, ever criticise his cooking, even if it's not always my preferred foods. And honestly, I think anyone who would is a totally unappreciative dick.

Totally agree with you stuntgirl and I am the same.

There's so much to this story isn't there op? I disagreed with a lot of the advice you were given before. It is bitterly ironic how you were shouted at for stealing his daughter last thread without anyone even asking why you'd left in the first place and now on this one you got shouted at for keeping her at home with an abusive man.

I am worried about how he is behaving though. It is exceptionally cold hearted and hateful.

There is a lot more to the story, offred.

Some of it has been sheer awful luck for us, with devesatatinf consequences that have contributed to all this.

Some of it is caused by me.
Some of it is caused by him.

Yes, that is exactly what I was thinking. It always is like that. Some of it is you some of it is him and that makes it harder to see when his behaviour has crossed into abuse, there are ways he has treated you which are just despicable.