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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

I found a list in my husbands pocket

601 replies

InSearchOfSunrise · 10/08/2012 20:51

I've posted before about our difficult situation, relationship breaking down etc.

I just found a list in my husbands pocket with all our worldly possessions in a column, prices, and buyers. The buyers were all his family.

I feel sick to my stomach. Those were things we bought together. How can he compile such a list and how can his family be scavenging for bargains when our family is falling apart?

Feel sick and don't know what to do. Can he do this? I'm having images of his family just walking in and picking up my things and walking out with them, and me not being able to stop them, with a six month pregnancy and a 3 year old watching as her things are carted away for peanuts.

Please someone help Sad

OP posts:
HappySunflower · 13/08/2012 21:18

Where is he at the moment?

Offred · 13/08/2012 21:20

You don't need to talk to him if you don't want to. I know you probably will want to but you don't have to. Especially not if he is speaking to you disrespectfully. Perhaps if you were brave you could tell him you weren't prepared to talk to him while he is being horrible and will wait until he has calmed down and is able to be respectful. He doesn't have to love you or like you but he does have to treat you with respect because you are the mum of his dcs.

Offred · 13/08/2012 21:22

And it is bullshit, tonight has shown you you are actually happier without him and I was certainly a million times happier without my scumbag ex who used to talk to me really calmly like that full of hate.

LizaTarbucksAuntie · 13/08/2012 21:23

You don't have to talk.

Keep really strong, you're doing so well

LurkingAndLearningLovesCats · 13/08/2012 21:25

I've been reading your thread from the start but just didn't know what to say. I'm so sorry you're going through this. :(

You do NOT have nothing, you have a (well, almost 2!) beautiful children. That means you have EVERYTHING.

How arrogant of him. 'You had me so you had it all.'

Original poster
InSearchOfSunrise · 13/08/2012 21:31

I already feel myself doubting myself when he says these things.

But yes, I will say to him that if he can't be respectful then I am not talking. And I'll go have a bath. I still didn't have that radox bath by the way, DD decided she wanted it instead!

He left me a pile of post it notes earlier with little messages on different bills and things - like I don't have enough to deal with already. The notice of possession post it said 'do what you want as always' Hmm what's that supposed to mean?

Anyway, we went to my friend's again who cooked for us. I bidded on two houses while there. I also got that email back from my tutor and have passed it on to my housing person.

OP posts:
LurkingAndLearningLovesCats · 13/08/2012 21:32

It's not supposed to mean anything. He's just fucking with your head.

You sound very strong, good on you!!!

Original poster
InSearchOfSunrise · 13/08/2012 21:33

Lurking - I think he meant our house we owned. Which I didn't get rid of by the way. Its a complicated situation but we sold it and then couldn't secure a mortgage, hence being in private rented and not able to claim housing benefit and now facing eviction. So what he means is from being a home owner to being potentially homeless. But he's talking shit because it wasn't my fault. Probably not his either, but I'm stable enough to see that.

OP posts:
LurkingAndLearningLovesCats · 13/08/2012 21:37

Exactly, so he's just being a dick to try and mess with your head. Glad you see that and aren't letting him!

I really want to hop a flight to the UK and kick this prick in the balls for you.

CuriousMama · 13/08/2012 21:40

He's looking for attention. Don't rise to it. Keep posting and getting strength from here.

Your friend sounds great btw Smile

greenwichgroove · 13/08/2012 21:52

Suntise I asked and was told band a was for those with serious health/welfare concerns or actually homeless. Band B for priority but not homeless, band c people with minor overcrowding or moving needs or links to area but less urgent. Band d everyone else

All bands are changing but thats it for now.

Original poster
InSearchOfSunrise · 13/08/2012 22:04

Greenwich - I was told I'd need to have violence with an injury to be in band a. Hmm perhaps I should have asked him to hit me harder. Hmm

Mama - she is fabulous!

Lurking - I think he needs a bit more than that to be honest.

OP posts:
Offred · 13/08/2012 22:09

I hope you can get your bath eventually sunrise.

greenwichgroove · 13/08/2012 22:15

Never heard that before. When I applied emotional abuse was classed exactly same as physical on the form.

Obv different council. It did have to be reported EA though.

AndFanjoWasHisNameO · 13/08/2012 22:26

Hi chick-just read the thread fully and would love to give you a big hug ((())) you sound really strong and like a wonderful mummy Grin you are doing really well, try not to panic or let him leave waves of dread over you with shitty headfuck texts. I'm NW too - I also have a secure lock up garage you are welcome to store things in if you ever need. Just let me know if I can do anything for you, DD (or Giraffy x)

Original poster
InSearchOfSunrise · 13/08/2012 22:48

Thanks andfanjo , that's a lovely thing to hear x

He's home now. Walked in rather quietly and gave dd a big hug and little chat. He's obviously still feeling really guilty about yesterday, and I am GLAD I did not tell her to go back down and took her myself to the carnival because I'm sure it's made him realise how quickly he'll lose her love and trust - and my consent for days out with her - when he's being an utter nobber to me or giraffy.

And breathe Grin

OP posts:
crisisofidentity · 13/08/2012 22:55

So good to hear you are ontop of it tonight sunrise.
Those texts are just head messers, ignore him, he is trying to pass his guilt over to you. It's him who has fucked up.

LurkingAndLearningLovesCats · 13/08/2012 22:58

Sunrise, you sound like such an amazing person and mother. 200 books for your DD? I have kept every single book my mum could afford for me from when I was little, she'll treasure them forever. :)

Sorry, wanted to say that earlier but the tone of the thread didn't seem appropriate. Blush

Original poster
InSearchOfSunrise · 13/08/2012 23:35

Lurking, I have an unhealthy obsession with beautiful picture books and buying DD all the books i loved as a child. Possibly also something to do with the fact that I'm a primary teacher Blush

So we talked. I warned him at the beginning that I wasn't standing for abusive language. He didn't use any. Dd was asleep. There were no raised voices.

He was on a bit of a high horse, saying he has a plan to get himself a room. Hmm because he can't afford more than that. We agreed that until then, we were paying half each on rent and bills.

He did say that he was glad he wouldn't be coming home to see my miserable face very day soon (fucker). I smiled and said that's fine, I'm happy with that too. And oh, you said in your text that I had lost everything. I have lost nothing worth keeping Hmm

He said you're not bothered now but you'll regret it when I'm gone. Hmm

As you can all see, all I thought and said was Hmm.

OP posts:
Original poster
InSearchOfSunrise · 13/08/2012 23:39

I drove my point home calmly but repeatedly:

You Got rid of our home.
You have a list to get rid of our possessions for peanuts, you rotten man.
YOU are the one walking out on a three year old and pregnant wife to a room. (Hmm)

YOU will regret this.

OP posts:
LurkingAndLearningLovesCats · 13/08/2012 23:39

He sounds like such a fucking narcissist! BLERG!

You handled yourself with grace, and it's angering him that he's not getting to you. Be bloody proud!

Have that bath! with a beautiful picture story book! Grin

Offred · 13/08/2012 23:41

(hug) is this a change to your circs then? If you have ended the relationship even if he is living in the house then you may be eligible for benefits. Also, what do you mean split rent? Is this what you did before or is it a change? If you are being evicted then there isn't rent to pay surely?

Original poster
InSearchOfSunrise · 13/08/2012 23:51

Oh offred - I didn't think of that. Is that possible? Because if so, it would help me massively financially. I thought I couldn't claim anything as a single parent until he was out of here, even though we're not living together as a couple?

We wernt paying rent together but I was contributing to some things like car Insurances and sometimes food etc. I usually bought all of DD's bits and he bought the big things. Although I'm sure that will carry on - he tends to spend more money on her when he's in a strop with me. Hmm

I don't actually take him seriously until he gets himself out and into that room, you know. I really doubt it somehow Hmm
That's why I'm glad he's taking some responsibility for the rent. We have to pay the rent and the arrears still, although we have had notice. It's only fair. I'm not walking out with tonnes of debt on my name.

He did seem a lot more together today. He did try to get some hurtful things in there and I cut him off by saying I don't want that bullshit thanks. He shut up very quickly.

OP posts:
Offred · 13/08/2012 23:55

Go and ask but they can only legally tie you to him if he is in a relationship with you I think so it doesn't matter so much where you live. I'm not sure but I know you have to be living together in a relationship to disqualify you and that this isn't strictly defined. You may need a separation agreement maybe? CAB would know. I think if he is refusing to financially support you anymore then that is evidence you aren't together.

Offred · 13/08/2012 23:56

I was worried you were going to end up in another rental with him then!!! Confused