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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

I found a list in my husbands pocket

601 replies

InSearchOfSunrise · 10/08/2012 20:51

I've posted before about our difficult situation, relationship breaking down etc.

I just found a list in my husbands pocket with all our worldly possessions in a column, prices, and buyers. The buyers were all his family.

I feel sick to my stomach. Those were things we bought together. How can he compile such a list and how can his family be scavenging for bargains when our family is falling apart?

Feel sick and don't know what to do. Can he do this? I'm having images of his family just walking in and picking up my things and walking out with them, and me not being able to stop them, with a six month pregnancy and a 3 year old watching as her things are carted away for peanuts.

Please someone help Sad

OP posts:
OneOfMyTurnsComingOn · 13/08/2012 08:13

You sound like you need some rest OP. I hope you manage to get some. Hope it's a better day for you today.

threeleftfeet · 13/08/2012 08:20

Sunrise, I can't imagine how awful this situation must be.

But please, you must do something to help yourself and DD. The longer you leave it, the more pregnant you will be and the less able to help yourself.

If you wait to be evicted this could take a long time.

First the landlord must issue a section 21 eviction notice (have they done this already?). This takes gives either 1 or 2 month's notice (i forget which)

Then the landlord must apply to court. This could take a few weeks to get a court date.

The judge will set a date for eviction.

The eviction date must come and go. When you haven't left, the landlord must then use baliffs to get you out.

If you weren't pregnant the best thing to do could be to sit it out (ignoring your DP's behaviour for a minute).

But this process will most likely still be happening when you're giving birth to DC2. It will only get more stressfull, and difficult to deal with.

Please do something, at least work out what your options are, while you still can.

I'm sorry if this thread seems difficult, but we're all on your side and trying to help.

crisisofidentity · 13/08/2012 08:25

Sunrise,
How are you feeling this morning?
Now you have explained why you don't want to call them, and of course whatever you do is your decision. I know how hard it is when you feel rejected when you've asked for help. However, nobody knew that before,when you gave a different reason for not calling. Perhaps if they had known that, You wouldn't have felt so pressured.

I'm sure your dd is perfectly well looked after. Try and have a good day with her, and make a few calls, it might help you see what some of your options are when you have more info.

Olympicnmix · 13/08/2012 08:28

A beautiful friend of mine, who in fact I've just waved to this morning, left a horrific DV relationship, am just so sad she suffered on her own for so long. The police dv unit were fabulous, they put her in contact with lots of supportive agencies and he got 6m in prison and WA (who I know you think are the work of the devil but don't let one girl put you off) put her in contact with a very good solicitor (legal aid). She didn't go into a refuge but the police served a restraining order on him which is now a life time one. She walked away from the family home as they were in neg equity anyway, council pays her rent in the next town for a modern house for her and her 3 dcs - being a victim of DV made her a housing priority. She works, has a new bf, is always having a fabulous time and just been on holiday; I've never seen her look happier.

When you are ready Sunshine, there are a range of avenues open to you. Good luck.

Original poster
InSearchOfSunrise · 13/08/2012 08:29

Auf - I know Sad

I'm going to get in touch with the estate agents today who will be able to tell the landlords the situation.

At least if I can secure this place, even it's on a monthly basis after the tenancy ends, it will be a massive relief.

I'm wishing and praying they have some compassion in their hearts. Their son lives downstairs. Surely he's heard it all from the craziness upstairs and has told his parents? but then again, it might even be why they want us out. Sad

OP posts:
threeleftfeet · 13/08/2012 08:49

Sunshine keeping my fingers crossed for you :)

LizaTarbucksAuntie · 13/08/2012 09:20

Sorry you felt so cornered about it lovely, but it does help to know stuff like that so we can stop banging on about it and being unhelpful.

Right-oh, onwards,upwards, good luck with the landlord today. I suspect you'll be surprised by how compassionate people can be and how quickly they will rally for you.

Margerykemp · 13/08/2012 09:56

Contact the homeless department of your council. You ate legally classed as homeless when you are living like this. They have a duty to give you immediate accommodation. It should be a temp furnished flat but if they are all full (prob not) they can offer you B&B but this would only be until a temp flat opens up (much quicker than a normal council waiting list). You can then stay in that temp flat until you get a permanent council or housing association house/flat.
If you need support through this process contact shelter or citizens advice. They can also help you claim benefits and sort your finances.

StuntGirl · 13/08/2012 10:29

I'm so sorry you had a bad experience with WA. I can't even imagine how devestating that would have been. Are there any other local women's services who you could try instead?

Hope you're feeling ok today sunrise.

doinmummy · 13/08/2012 10:39

Can I just say to those who cant understand why the OP has not left her DH. IT JUST DOESN'T WORK LIKE THAT. sorry to shout but it is so complicated in your head, so daunting,so many things to sort out.

Unless you have been in this situation you really can't understand the emotions involved. I just dont think it helps an OP to keep saying that she is putting her daughter at risk. etc etc.

These things can ONLY be done when someone is good and ready.

My advice to the OP to do nothing is probably not the best advice but it, is i would think the only thing she is capable of given how she feels at the moment.

Offred · 13/08/2012 10:54

Doin - I'm not saying that. I agree that people only leave abusive relationships when they are ready. I don't think that means advice should be given not to do anything because actually that isn't best really is it? or that she should be shouted at for putting her child at risk. There's a middle ground. None of the things that have been said have been wrong as such just some of the ways they have been said I think.

Fundamentally it is important to prioritise the safety of a child in this situation, that's not bad advice and it is understandable that people might get hysterical about situations they worry about a child being actually harmed in.

doinmummy · 13/08/2012 11:02

I agree offred It's just I could feel the OP's mounting panic and despair at the posts that keep repeating 'call WA' etc.

I'm not very good at explaining myself, what I was trying to say to her is that if she feels she can do nothing at the moment then that is ok ( well not ok ok) and to do things when she is ready.

I can't emphasise enough how difficult it is to just walk out.

Offred · 13/08/2012 11:02

And I still think the looming homelessness, although a part of the domestic abuse really does need something done about it. Just like how you'd go to a&e if you'd been beaten unconscious but not necessarily admit abuse to get necessary treatment if you choose you can sort out the impending homelessness in a variety of ways with or without admitting or denying what is going on or parts of what is going on.

doinmummy · 13/08/2012 11:05

I agree that the housing situation needs to be addressed. I think the OP has contacted her agents about this though.

Offred · 13/08/2012 11:12

Yeah, it is very normal and is part of the self protection of the brain. If you are not safe or capable of dealing with the reality of what is happening then denying it helps protect your brain from harm until you get to a point where you can deal with it. That's why people end up having breakdowns about it years later or going through bad relationship after bad relationship or meeting someone fantastic and getting horribly down about the past.

However, you cannot allow the denial process, which is normal, to affect how you practically deal with the effects of what is happening, it is very important to keep things as safe as possible and to deal with things like debt and eviction whether or not you are ready to actually admit abuse.

doinmummy · 13/08/2012 11:16

Good post offred . I would love to be able to help with the practicalities in these situations. Having been there myself, I would have loved for someone to phone the bank etc for me while I just sat there and stared into space. Sad

greenwichgroove · 13/08/2012 12:10

It took me eight years to leave.

An incident with dds made me leave. Before that I could see no way out it got to a point I HAD to find a way out.

Its not easy

pinguthepenguin · 13/08/2012 12:11

Jeez will people give the op a break? Calling her parenting into question and using potentially frightening and emotive language like 'toxic' and social services is way too harsh. Some people cant wait to stick the boot in....who here hasn't shouted or even (shock) sworn at their kids? This isn't the time to shine your bloody halos. She is trying her best to hold it together for gods sake!!!
Op- offred speaks sense - women's aid are not exclusively for women experiencing DV. Their services are vast. I feel for you.

LizaTarbucksAuntie · 13/08/2012 12:11

We have a housing advice officer who does sessions here at work on a Monday, I've just been for a quick word and they said.

  1. regardless of the situation the LA have a Duty of care to house you so make sur eyou are in touch with your Council (I know you don't want to leave but at least you know you WILL be housed)
  2. You can get free impartial advice from these peolpe and the adviser here says they are very good. It's a national service, the Community Legal Advice Helpline 0845 3454345.

Hope that helps.

crisisofidentity · 13/08/2012 12:18

Agree, pingu

doinmummy · 13/08/2012 12:18

I agree pingu. People are asking for help and while there is good advice given it is sometimes so overwhelming that it's all too much to take in.

There's another thread at the mo where the OP is being 'told off' because of a decision she has made.

These peole are in a vulnerable state and don't need such harsh treatment.

sweetkitty · 13/08/2012 12:36

My niece had a row with her Mum and decided she didn't want to live with her anymore, a week on her friends sofa and she had a flat in a temp housing block (her Mum had to sign a declaration to say she wasn't wanted back at home, she was but that's another story), 3 months later and she had a 2 bed council flat and help to furnish it. She was a 17 yo single girl, you are a nearly mum of 2.

I know it's hard just now but it's going to be even harder with a newborn baby. You'll be so sleep deprived and emotional as it is. How is you DH going to react when there's a baby crying? Or you have to leave DD to sort out the baby?

There's some good advice on here, I hope you get yourself sorted soon, you shouldn't be in this position.

Dramajustfollowsme · 13/08/2012 12:37

OP have you thought of mentioning the situation to your midwife. I know they routinely ask if you have support at home etc. I think you need to tell someone, anyone, to ease the burden. It is too much to do alone. Especially when you are tired with pregnancy as well as being emotionally drained by you DH behaviour.
The friend you went to see last night, could they maybe ring round and find out some information for you.
You need a RL support network because what you are going through is huge and scary.
I'm sure people on here have the very best intentions and are just scared for you and your DD.
My feeling is you know something needs to be done but don't know where to start - especially when WA were little help previously. In this sort of situation, I would write a list of things to be done, then prioritise it and take it from there.
Look after yourself and your DD, thinking about you.

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