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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

I found a list in my husbands pocket

601 replies

InSearchOfSunrise · 10/08/2012 20:51

I've posted before about our difficult situation, relationship breaking down etc.

I just found a list in my husbands pocket with all our worldly possessions in a column, prices, and buyers. The buyers were all his family.

I feel sick to my stomach. Those were things we bought together. How can he compile such a list and how can his family be scavenging for bargains when our family is falling apart?

Feel sick and don't know what to do. Can he do this? I'm having images of his family just walking in and picking up my things and walking out with them, and me not being able to stop them, with a six month pregnancy and a 3 year old watching as her things are carted away for peanuts.

Please someone help Sad

OP posts:
Portofino · 12/08/2012 21:55

Well she should have to. She relies on you to make the best decisions for her. You have had the advice. It is up to you now, to protect yourself and her.

AmyJane20 · 12/08/2012 22:58

I've read all of this... I feel extremely sorry for you and your poor dd, no body deserves this... but how can you expect others to help you when you won't help yourself?? All the advice you've been given is spot on, take it...! If not for yourself do it for your dd.

AmyJane20 · 13/08/2012 00:03

Also, if a friend came to me in a situation like yours I would not let them go back to that household under any circumstances, I'd also ring wa for that friend and allow that friend and child to stay in my house regardless of how many others where living there!!?? ...

AmyJane20 · 13/08/2012 00:07
  • were, sorry, it's getting late lol x
whatthewhatthebleep · 13/08/2012 00:27

yes I wondered what 'friend' would let you just go back home when they could be helping you???

I couldn't see a friend walk out my door knowing what they would be facing and how unsafe it is for them and their child....

I don't know what more anyone could say to you OP.....???
I really hope you can find the strength to make some decision's soon...if not for yourself, then absolutely for your DD and unborn child....

I'm quite concerned that you have felt quite resentful towards your DD...please remember she is a tiny little girl and is very lost and scared with all this...both her parents shouting and rejecting is not a nice thought...I'm feeling very upset for her knowing this

StuntGirl · 13/08/2012 00:48

I feel awful for you sunrise but as you still seem to be in denial about the seriousness of your situation I'm not sure how helpful anything anyone says can be.

I just hope you snap out of it in time to save yourself and your daughter a fuck tonne of heartache. This defeatist attitude will help nothing, I hope you get angry and energised soon.

Original poster
InSearchOfSunrise · 13/08/2012 00:59

I havnt fucking rejected my DD for one second. I said I FELT it. I'm sure I'm allowed to FEEL now if nothing else.

What the fuck.

OP posts:
Original poster
InSearchOfSunrise · 13/08/2012 01:01

I'm sick of this fucking thread forcing me to ring women's fucking aid WHEN I DON'T WANT TO.

Fuck it. I'm sick of it all.

OP posts:
Original poster
InSearchOfSunrise · 13/08/2012 01:02

And my FRIEND is a good friend, the very best in fact. How dare anyone imply otherwise.

OP posts:
LoopyLoopsOlympicHoops · 13/08/2012 01:59

"I've just shouted at dd to LISTEN and to stay the fuck away from him if that's what he's saying, why doesn't she understand that??"

Because she is 3, she is confused as to why her mother would keep her anywhere unsafe so assumes it's safe to love her daddy?

Please don't swear at her. You need help if you are getting to that stage, and I think it might be from SS rather than WA.

doinmummy · 13/08/2012 02:46

Sunrise FWIW I totally understand your situation and as I;ve posted before, it is ok to do nothing at the moment if that is how you feel. Things will sort themselves out. It is so easy for others to dish out orders and get narked if you dont follow. It is REALLY REALLY REALLY hard to just walk out with no where to go .

You WILL be ok just bide your time.

IvanaNap · 13/08/2012 02:57

This reply has been withdrawn

This has been withdrawn as this poster has privacy concerns.

doinmummy · 13/08/2012 03:04

I think it is nice that people care but there is a line to be drawn between caring and getting angry because OP doesn't do what they are suggesting.

I cant begin to describe the feelings of hurt,fear,confusion,shame,etc that I felt.I was so so muddled that I couldn't do anythng at all. So I just carried on in an awful situation. Then one day without thinking about it I picked up the phone and called WA.

These things have to be done only when the OP is ready. In the mean time all we can do is listen and offer support.

Original poster
InSearchOfSunrise · 13/08/2012 05:44

Thank you doin, for understanding Sad

Loopy - I didn't actually swear at dd, I told her not to go in there but only swore/expressed anger on here - is that ok by you and everyone else? Im sure I'm not the first mother to raise my voice at my child or God forbid even swear before I'm threatened with SS. It just gets better and better doesn't it.

Just woken up and can't go back to sleep.
Having what feels like braxton hicks - don't know if that's possible at 24 weeks?

He did 'make up' with DD before she went to bed, and DD told me daddy said I love you and I will never get angry again. She was happy, and went to bed happy.

Before things got this bad, we were good parents. DD is a happy, bubbly and incredibly intelligent little thing, and she has been very much loved all her life by myself and her father.

OP posts:
LoopyLoopsOlympicHoops · 13/08/2012 06:18

Sorry, that wasn't meant as a threat, more a warning. I am a child of the kind of relationship you describe. Eventually, my siblings and I were taken into care because my mother was never strong enough to get away from my father. Please don't take too long. :)

Shagmundfreud · 13/08/2012 06:55

OP - please tell your midwife what you are experiencing - physically and emotionally. Your situation puts you at higher risk of early labour, antenatal and postnatal depression. She will want to support you.

50shadesofslapntickle · 13/08/2012 06:58

I'm quite horrified that you are risking being in such a toxic environment and risking your daughter being in such a toxic environment - we are only saying get out/contact WA because we are worries about you and he does sound quite mentally unstable and it's hard for us to understand why you are there still when it sounds so dangerous.

Offred · 13/08/2012 07:18

I agree some of this is going too far doin, I mean why are people criticising how the op cares for her child?!

But, I'm not sure your advice about it being ok to do nothing is very good either. As far as the ringing women's aid there's no time limit on that, ringing the police would be one way to actually practically get him out and prove to the landlord the truth of what you were saying and stop him evicting you. Staying in past the eviction date and being taken to court would not be an easy thing to go through and I'm not sure many people would understand why the op did nothing once she found out about the eviction notice and the unpaid rent. It would have legal consequences which may include things which make it substantially harder to get suitable housing in the future. I see the housing as a slightly different issue to the domestic abuse and I do think she needs to do something about the housing at least.

LizaTarbucksAuntie · 13/08/2012 07:24

sunrise,

People are urging you to ring women's aid because increasingly you sound like you need some urgent help to resolve this situation and some support and, frankly someone to give you a big hug and make you a brew.

Women's Aid isn't being suggested because we all think you are a battered wife, but because it's just that Women's Aid. Help for Women. they will be able to provide area specific advice on your situation.

It doesn't mean you will be fleeing in the night with your daughter, nobody is suggesting you should lose what little security you have left, but they will be able to help. They won't be telling you to flee either.

No one is going to judge you about being in this situation (I was terrified when of people having an 'opinion' about it when I left exh) But what they will do is give you some gentle support.

Sounds like you've already been manipulated a lot and in an ideal world would have time to deal with your feelings fully before you make your move, but unfortunately when there are children involved our feelings have to be dealt with after their safety which is the reason people are urging you to hurry.

This will come good sunrise, try not to go back to your Mum's that would be a bit frying pan/fire and for what it's worth, I think you need your very own safe place.

Shall be thinking of you and checking in here during the day.

Original poster
InSearchOfSunrise · 13/08/2012 07:58

I've called women's aid once, before.

I said i needed to get out.
They said everywhere was full and they couldn't find me and dd anywhere. The girl (yes girl) on the phone sounded bored.

They did fuck all.

OP posts:
Original poster
InSearchOfSunrise · 13/08/2012 08:00

I had worked up months of courage to make that phone call.
I was crying.
She reeled off a number at the end of the phone call that I never wrote down and I never attempted again to get this so called fabulous support from this fantastic organisation there to help women like me - and I never will.

OP posts:
threeleftfeet · 13/08/2012 08:03

I'm sorry you've had a bad experience with Woman's aid.

I think you've been very unlucky, by and large people seem to have had a good experiences with them.

Please don't let one bad experience stand in the way of you accessing the help that they can give you.

threeleftfeet · 13/08/2012 08:08

How about trying Shelter if not Women's Aid then?

They can give you information about where you stand legally and what is likely to happen with the eviction process.

Knowledge is power!

Here's their page on eviction

i've linked to the page relating to England (& Wales?). If you're in Scotland you'll need the Scottish site

threeleftfeet · 13/08/2012 08:08

Here's Shelter's number 0808 800 4444

threeleftfeet · 13/08/2012 08:10

According to this page

The council should see you as a priority need for housing, both for being pregnant and having your DD.