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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

I found a list in my husbands pocket

601 replies

InSearchOfSunrise · 10/08/2012 20:51

I've posted before about our difficult situation, relationship breaking down etc.

I just found a list in my husbands pocket with all our worldly possessions in a column, prices, and buyers. The buyers were all his family.

I feel sick to my stomach. Those were things we bought together. How can he compile such a list and how can his family be scavenging for bargains when our family is falling apart?

Feel sick and don't know what to do. Can he do this? I'm having images of his family just walking in and picking up my things and walking out with them, and me not being able to stop them, with a six month pregnancy and a 3 year old watching as her things are carted away for peanuts.

Please someone help Sad

OP posts:
Original poster
InSearchOfSunrise · 12/08/2012 18:41

All I feel right now is hate.

I just want him to go.

I don't even feel Sad anymore.

OP posts:
LizaTarbucksAuntie · 12/08/2012 18:44

Keep it together lovely. I know it's hard when the reality hits you but if you're going to do it tomorrow you only need hold on til then, You can keep it together til then.

If you feel threatened in the meantime then you can phone the police.

Keep repeating to yourself only a few hours, only a few hours.

Clytaemnestra · 12/08/2012 18:58

Don't leave your DD on your own with him. It really sounds as if he is not mentally well and if that is the case there is a REAL chance he could hurt her. I don't want to be dramatic but if he's literally not in his right mind he could do anything, no matter how inconceivable it sounds based on his previous behaviour.

If you want him out, call the police. Tell them he slapped you in front of your DD and you need him out. The letting agents aren't going to get him out for you. Only the police have the power to make him leave and stay away.

PedroPonyLikesCrisps · 12/08/2012 19:01

Agents are usually pretty responsive to major issues, of course it will be the underlying Landlord who will be making the ultimate decision, but there's a good chance that he/she will understand and be able to arrange something with you. Also, the agent may well be able to help with finding alternative accommodation if you need it. Can you visit the agent's office (tomorrow)? Talking it out face to face will be much more effective.

On the eviction side, don't know if this will help, but: Once served with a Section 21 notice, you will be given at least 2 months to leave with the last day of the Tenancy being the day before a rent due date. If you have had a Section 8 notice due to 2 months unpaid rent, then the eviction date will be sooner (as stipulated on the notice) however, the Landlord will HAVE to gain a Court order to forcibly remove you from the property. So if you remain in the property after the eviction date, the LL must file with the local Magistrates' court. Depending on your local court, this could buy you anything up to 12 weeks more potentially, then you'd have a court hearing and then the Magistrate will order a new date to be out by which can be 2-6 weeks depending on circumstance (pregnancy will virtually guarantee 6 weeks) After which LL can call in the bailiffs to remove you (again will take some time to arrange) . Obviously if it goes this far you end up with a CCJ (as does H) but the point being that your first eviction date is not the final final date and you can buy some time if you need it.

OneOfMyTurnsComingOn · 12/08/2012 19:07

Hi Sunrise. Thinking of you. I really hope you get some rest, and manage to do whatever is right for you.

PedroPonyLikesCrisps · 12/08/2012 19:31

Oh, and forgot to add, if you simply leave the property on the eviction date, this will likely be construed by the council as intentional homelessness, CAB would likely advise you to stay in the property until removed by the Court of you intend to claim HB.

HappySunflower · 12/08/2012 20:01

I've just sat and read all of this.
This man is unstable.
To me, on the outskirts of this situation, it sounds very much to me as though this is a man on the brink of a breakdown/major outburst or explosion behaviour wise.
If you are insistent that you stay in this house, I would suggest the following to you:

  1. Tell somebody local to you what is going on. Check in with them a few times each day. If they don't hear from you, make sure they try to make contact.
  2. Keep your daughter close to you, both of you should stay as far away from him as you can.
  3. Make sure that your phone stays fully charged and keep it close to you.
  4. Gather all important paperwork, statements, passports, mortgage statements etc and ask a friend to look after them for you.
  5. Pack a bag with a few days worth of essential things and hide it somewhere where it is easily grabbable, or, better still, keep it at a friend's house.
  6. Clear your internet broswer history after every use. Make sure that none of your email/Mumsnet passwords are saved.
chocolateistheenemy · 12/08/2012 20:06

Have read your post with utter horror and just wanted to say I'm thinking of you. Stay strong.

Original poster
InSearchOfSunrise · 12/08/2012 20:14

We are at my close friends house and have been for the past couple of hours.

I intend to stay well away, with DD.
My friend knows everything that is going on.
She checks up on us all the time.

OP posts:
threeleftfeet · 12/08/2012 20:24

InSearchOfSunrise that's great news, I'm so glad to hear you and your DD are out of that situation, and that you have a close friend there to support you.

Can you both stay there tonight?

Lucyellensmum99 · 12/08/2012 20:27

It is with great relief that i read that you have gotten out with your DD. You have done the right thing - like you say, he is either sick (and in that case i do have some pity for him, but still he is a danger to you adn your dd you have no choice but to leave him) or just a vile despicable pig. Either way, your lives can only get better from here. I hope he gets the help he needs, but this is not your job, your DD is more important. You've done the right thing. Well done - so brave xxx

ladyWordy · 12/08/2012 20:28

Oh, thank goodness sunrise. What a great friend. Thinking of you

milk · 12/08/2012 20:34

I am absolutely shocked how a man could be so vile Shock I admire how brave and strong you are. Your DD is very lucky to have you :)

Ormiriathomimus · 12/08/2012 20:37

So pleased to read your update x

AllOverIt · 12/08/2012 20:38

So pleased to read that you've got out. All the best for the future Smile

edam · 12/08/2012 20:53

Glad you've got away from him, well done that woman! First step to a much better future for you and dd.

crisisofidentity · 12/08/2012 21:07

Sunrise,
I'm like everyone else, worried about you.
I left due to DV when pregnant, his mental health and alcoholism, there's nothing to be ashamed of.
The council will priority house you as everyone has advised.

You say you are exhausted, of course you are. And it will only get worse. That is why you are advised to go while you have the energy.

Your wanting him to leave you, it sounds like a final wish for there to be a relationship, if he leaves it.
The relationship is already over.
But you can and will only leave when you are ready to detach
Please keep yourself and your dd safe.

FWIW, ds was born in a hostel and I had loads of people around me there for support.

crisisofidentity · 12/08/2012 21:08

Fantastic news!
First day of the rest of your life.

Original poster
InSearchOfSunrise · 12/08/2012 21:08

I only meant I'd gone for a visit. I can't stay there, she has a family and a husband and no space for two more people.

I'm back home now and he's again told dd to stay away from his room. I've just shouted at dd to LISTEN and to stay the fuck away from him if that's what he's saying, why doesn't she understand that??

God I am so sick of it.

OP posts:
crisisofidentity · 12/08/2012 21:12

Sorry sunrise,
So good you have your friend close by.
Do you think he has gambled the rent money?
Still very concerned for you and your dd.

HappySunflower · 12/08/2012 21:15

If I've remembered correctly, your daughter is 3, yes?
She is probably extremely confused and unsettled by all that is going on; given that, I'm not surprised that she doesn't understand.

She is too little to keep herself safe, you need to do that for her.
I really think you need to consider going to stay in a refuge, even if only for a few mights until you have things sorted out with your landlord.

Original poster
InSearchOfSunrise · 12/08/2012 21:20

She follows him around the flat like a lost soul, and my heart breaks when he rejects her and then sometimes calls her in.

She's got into the habit of saying things like 'daddy wants this', just so I can give it to her and she can take it in, and then have an excuse to stay there.

OP posts:
Northernlurker · 12/08/2012 21:27

You have to keep her away from him just now. She is too young to deal with this rejection alternated with affection. Come to that adults can't deal with that either! You need to protect your dd physically and mentally and that means living apart from this man. I know this is heartbreaking - which is why it must stop. You must stop it tomorrow because it IS harming your dd. I know you don't want that to happen. I know you want to protect her. Make that happen tomorrow please.

Original poster
InSearchOfSunrise · 12/08/2012 21:39

During the day, he's at work all day and I will change dd's bedtime so she's asleep before he gets in.

I intend to stay away on weekends from now on - I might just go to my mums.
From one toxic environment to another. What a fabulous childhood.

But at least no one will reject her there. I'll just have to keep her glued to me 24 hours a day.
Earlier on when we were walking home from the carnival, she was pulling on my arm and it was aching so much. She must
Have been really tired, but my arm felt like it was being pulled out of its socket and I just felt an awful feeling of resentment inside me suddenly, for having to be the protector and the rock for her all the damn time, and very soon for a newborn too.

Sad
OP posts:
Northernlurker · 12/08/2012 21:49

She doesn't have to be in a toxic environment at all. She shouldn't be. You can break away and live your own life. You can. People do. I know to have both dd and baby dependant on just you is daunting but you CAN do it and it would be much, much better for them than living in the hell you're in now. What about ringing your midwife tomorrow and telling her what's going on and how down you are? I think you need more RL support.