I found a list in my husbands pocket

[InSearchOfSunrise]

I've posted before about our difficult situation, relationship breaking down etc.

I just found a list in my husbands pocket with all our worldly possessions in a column, prices, and buyers. The buyers were all his family.

I feel sick to my stomach. Those were things we bought together. How can he compile such a list and how can his family be scavenging for bargains when our family is falling apart?

Feel sick and don't know what to do. Can he do this? I'm having images of his family just walking in and picking up my things and walking out with them, and me not being able to stop them, with a six month pregnancy and a 3 year old watching as her things are carted away for peanuts.

Please someone help

Really glad to hear you will call on Monday, they're both great organisations who can provide you with practical help and advice.

Be aware however that both Women's Aid and Shelter can get very busy so you may have to keep trying.

Probably easier to get through first thing, if possible?

This thread is really hard to read. You must do something, doing nothing is not an option, waiting for him to go means what happens to you and dd, how safe and how happy you both are is entirely and completely dependent on how well or poorly he decides to treat you. A man who really loves his children does not whisper hate into his pregnant wife's ear whilst calmly cuddling his sleeping child. He doesn't secretly fail to pay the rent so you get evicted, plan to sell your things, say he doesn't love one of his children. A man who really loves his child would treat her mother with respect no matter how he felt about her because he would know that that child is half her.

At the moment he treats this child in what appears to be a loving way but he has in his behaviour shown you that he is perfectly willing to hurt her directly in order to get to you. You absolutely cannot begin to believe that he will treat her with love and care during or after a split. Even if he does go before you are evicted, you will be evicted, the only way you have a chance of staying there is if you speak to the landlord and explain what has happened and that you would like to stay on as a HB tenant by yourself with dd if that is possible.

My landlord did this for me btw, he was glad to. He was an ex copper and said after he thought my ex was a prick and told me a load of horrible things he had said to him about me when we moved in.

And I'm sorry if that feels like pressure but tbh the pressure is not just coming from MN is it? He has chosen to plant (what the hell has he done with the rent money?) at least one big fricking ticking time bomb under you hasn't he? How are you going to find a rental now all together after being evicted for non-payment of rent?

How are you this morning?

Your DH seems to be mentally ill, sunrise, and you may need to be ready to take quick action. So hope you have had a chance to call women's aid.

Writing a plan to sell off possessions is worrying. Suppose he carried it off...does he personally plan on living in an empty home? What are you meant to do? What would he do with the money? I cannot come up with a healthy answer to this. And unless he already has a home or job overseas, the leaving the country scenario seems like ..just talk.

Suppose he had lined up buyers (I don't think he has for 2 seconds.) Wouldn't they want to know what the blazes was going on? Would they have room for this stuff, even? Are they as sick as he is.... Such that they would turn up and strip your house like a removals team without one word to you?

Not asking for answers, just reflecting on what you've said. I can only make sense of it in one way, and for that reason I believe you are seriously at risk.

You must make your own decisions, and I'm sure you are doing that. I just think you might have to be very brave sunrise, and get ready to move sooner than you think.

I agree with lady. Could you speak to your in-laws and ask what is going on? Do they actually know about this?

Im going to speak to my landlords today, and explain the situation to them.

I am afraid however, that they'll think it's a big plan because of the notice and they know that taking him off the tenancy would mean I get HB, and I may be doing it for that reason. They don't accept DSS, and I'm worried they won't believe me.
I will ring my agents today though and ask.

I can't speak to my in laws. We've fallen out - I'm cut off from them after the last time I left. They might be in on it.

Offred- yes, that's exactly what it is, a big ticking time bomb.
I need to deal with this don't I.

Oh God. How do I deal with this.

Love sorry to sound like a broken record. But please ring Womens Aid right now.

You are stewing and stewing and I'm not sure I understand why you won't call them til tomorrow.

They will help.

One step at a time sunrise, with MNers right behind you.

You are second guessing your landlord's reaction, which is only natural. But you won't know till you ring. The second guessing is only adding to your distress.

You could talk to his GP about your concerns for your H's mental health, should you feel up to it. Also, should he happen to threaten suicide, or you yourself feel threatened, please dial 999 straight away.

Sending strength. x

InSearchOfSunrise they might say no, but it can't hurt to ask.

How do you deal with this? Well there are two apects to deal with, the emotional side and the practical. The emotional is going to be difficult and may take a long time to get over, but you will do it. Once you are out of this situation you will start to heal - it must be very damaging for you and DD to be living like this, you may not realise how much at the moment. However there is a future in which you and DD are happy and actually glad to be out of this situation. Do you have anyone in RL you can turn to for emotional support?

Much more immediate are the practical things you need to deal with. If at all possible, you need to try to separate the emotional from the practical.

Make a list of the things you need to do, and carry them out.

Your most immediate need is to sort out housing for you and DD. make a list for this. It could include:

1. call landlord / letting agent
2. call women's aid, find out:

- what practical help / advice they can offer you - what what your rights to housing are - in your own place and/or in a shelter

3 call Shelter, find out:

• what their advice is on your situation
• what will actually happen if you don't move out and wait for eviction
• what you must do to avoid the council seeing you as "temporarily homeless"
• ask them at what point you should contact your local council

1. PM the kind poster who offered to go to appointments with you and arrange to meet, perhaps you could go to the council offices together (if Shelter advise that's a good thing to do).

Then depending on their advice, add more things to your list. (e.g applying for housing benefit if that's what you need to do).

I find in difficult times it can help to focus on the practical. Your DD needs you to fight for her. This is going to be an unsettling time, but you must be her rock, the consistent thing in her life. Please do not let your DP blackmail you into letting him have DD. She needs you, not possessions.

sorry, i meant

• what you must do to avoid the council seeing you as "intentionally homeless"

Hi Sunrise.
My reading of this is slightly different from others on here, although my conclusions on what you should do are the same. it does seem like your DH is not very stable and that is concerning for the reasons mentioned above. He could well be a threat to you and DD.
However I think the more likely possibility is that he has a plan. The list is evidence of this. He has stopped paying rent. Knowing this will lead you all to be evicted. I think he has arranged somewhere else for himself already. Maybe a furnished place or quite possibly moving in with someone else (OW?). Either way he has organised to get rid of your stuff and I bet is prepared to present you with a fait accompli on the day you are evicted. 'You have nothing and nowhere to go. I have this place sorted and ready. I'll take DD with me'.
You are so beaten down by him, he probably does not anticipate much trouble brow beating you into letting him take DD 'temporarily' until you are sorted.
In this circumstance your paralysis although completely understandable is playing into his hands. You must act. You must do something to ensure you and DD have somewhere to go. And you should go there before eviction.
He mentioned going abroad? I would keep DDs passport with you now, just in case.

"I would keep DDs passport with you now, just in case."

yes, very good advice.

Add to your list:

"find passports (yours and DDs) and put them somewhere safe - out of the house"

Can you give them to a friend to look after?

I think BlueMoonFergie makes a very good point.

He seems to be making all the plans here, and you know for a fact he isn't sharing them with you.

You need to take back some control of the situation.

Hi Sunrise,

I am trying to look at this from your point of veiw and remember how I felt when I was in your shoes. Please dont flame me everyone.

You actually CAN do nothing if that is how you feel and just wait to see what happens. SO LONG AS YOU ARE SAFE doing this.

Things will sort themselves out , it might be very messy , but things do get resolved.

"Things will be OK in the end, and if they're not OK then it's not the end".

I had sooooo many people givng me advice and telling me what to do that it actually made things worse in my head for me. I felt so downtrodden by my OH that I felt that I had to do what I was told by everyone.

Please only do what you are ready to do.

The night I had WA come and get me took no thinking about at all. I'd just had enough,picked up the phone and took it from there.

You will know when you are ready to take action.

I know for a fact he wouldn't run away with dd. in any case, she doesn't have a passport.

I have my passport and all important docs. I even had his up until now.

Either he is genuinely mentally unwell, and is really confused and lost about us having lost our home (very complicated back story there, which would be a whole other thread), and not being to secure another mortgage. He's just started a business of his own with a partner, and its not making much money yet - that can explain the money aspect. We can't apply for HB because of the money he got from the house and we are not making enough to cover rent. I do have an awful
Feeling that he has blown the money though and is not admitting to it. I found some receipts in his wallet for a Ladbrokes (sorry, massive drip feed I know), for substantial amounts of money, but all with REFUND receipts.

On the other hand, it's possible that there is nothing wrong with him mentally, he has made a plan, written that despicable list, and is just biding his time till he's ready to go.

Neither option is particularly appealing, or stable for me and DD. I'm going to ring my estate agents now.

Good thinking Blue .... This possibility might also account for the missing rent money. sunrise it's good you found that list, it's frightening but you have a window of time to go through your options. None of us know the whys and wherefores in truth, and we can only wish you strength while you make your move.
If we can help, we're here. Good luck with your next call.

I rang the agents by obviously they're closed.

Took DD to the carnival. He was supposed to take her but threw her giraffe inside on the last minute and told her to not take
It. She is so attached to it, and
I knew shed be upset without it, so I rang after them asking her if she wanted it. She replied with a teary yes. He started to shout and called me a fucking bitch, and DD came back upstairs saying she didn't want to go with him. He was furious. He barged back upstairs swearing and shouting, then proceeded to smoke inside the house. I told him to seek medical help and quickly. We got ready and went to the carnival, and on our return he was still there, having made himself something to eat and the kitchen in a mess.
I was shattered and went to lay on the bed and dd came in upset saying daddy said go away and don't come
In this room. I've picked her up and brought her to lie on the couch and sat
With her here, although I really am shattered and need to lie down. Nobody is going to bully us out of our living room. He turned the volume up so we could hardl hear ourselves speak.

Vile sick man. I can't wait for him to go so I can have a good spring clean and start living a happy life with dd.

Tomorrow I'm calling the agents and getting him out of house, the bastard. I hate him now.

You have to keep him away from her at the moment. Just be careful ok.

Sunrise? that is just awful. Tearing up at the thought of your daughter and her beloved toy. She must feel very frightened.
You sound stronger, sunrise, hold on to that strength, it will carry you through for the next step. Thinking of you both.

What Northern said.

From what you said about him being supportive last year it sounds like he has mentally lost it. Please stay safe. If he does anything ring police, they can make him leave and keep him away.