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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

I found some knickers that are not mine. Can anyone come up with an explanation ?

307 replies

ABitOfAPuzzle · 06/08/2012 20:02

OK. H just back from a weekend away with his friends, doing a sporting activity.

I found some women's knickers that are not mine, and not my DC's, openly left out on our bedroom dressing table.

Has anybody any ideas of what could be an appropriate explanation for this ? At the moment, I am struggling to see one. I am asking him about it later when the DC are in bed.

No other signs, or history, of playing away, btw. Just this.

OP posts:
VicWilcox · 07/08/2012 22:48

Cross post there puzzle. Do you mean he was late home from work after you had the argument? (sorry if I missed a post)

Original poster
ABitOfAPuzzle · 07/08/2012 22:51

scissors, those knickers appeared on the dressing table yesterday

I cannot vouch for where they were before yesterday (I already said I have no real idea of the contents of his underwear drawer if they had found their way in there by mistake) but I am a very neat person, and I know this

there is no way they have been there for a few days, even

their appearance coincides with his lads weekend away, this is a fact (one of the very few here)

OP posts:
Original poster
ABitOfAPuzzle · 07/08/2012 22:52

no, we had a short discussion late last night and didn't speak again until he was late home this evening (I don't think there is anything sinister in this, but it pissed me off because he didn't call, and he would usually)

OP posts:
Original poster
ABitOfAPuzzle · 07/08/2012 22:54

the argument was when he had been home about an hour this evening, we weren't talking and he suddenly said "why is this at my door" and off we went...

OP posts:
Original poster
ABitOfAPuzzle · 07/08/2012 22:55

God, I am fucking boring myself now

Sorry everybody, I will spare you now and go to bed

thanks again

OP posts:
VicWilcox · 07/08/2012 22:56

Yes, but he may not have left them there intentionally, more of a 'oh there are the OW's pants, I'll just put them there and then will get rid' and then forgetting. You would not believe the casual fuck ups that my exH made when he was cheating. And how blind I was not to see until it was literally shoved in my face!!!

Now I am not saying for a second that your H is cheating puzzle, and as you know there could be plenty of innocent reasons why the pants were there. But you don't have an answer, and probably won't get one, so you need to have a proper talk with your H about this and why you are feeling unsettled etc. Also maybe a really honest think with yourself as to whether anything else has been making you feel uneasy lately.

It's a tricky one, I hate mysteries too and would have been similarly uncomfortable without a concrete explanation.

Southfacing · 07/08/2012 22:59

This reply has been deleted

Withdrawn at the user's request

RunningWithSharpScissors · 07/08/2012 22:59

ok I understand OP thanks. Like you said, I don't think you're going to get any more of an explanation. I think I would try to accept what he's saying especially as there haven't been any other 'red flags'. He must be as bemused as you are. Hopefully you'll be laughing about it in a few weeks and can join the ranks of those of us who've found mystery items of clothing in the past! (Definitely at least one pair of mens pants have turned up in my house which were nothing to do with my DS, my H or my DD bf - no idea where they came from and never will have)

VicWilcox · 07/08/2012 22:59

Sorry, that first para was for scissors, not for the OP. I am boring myself too!!!! Sorry OP, hope communication opens up a bit with your H. Maybe ask him to put himself in your situation and see how he would feel. Hope you get a good nights sleep.

RunningWithSharpScissors · 07/08/2012 23:04

Vic lol, leaving them on the dressing table would be a monumental fuckup tho ! besides which, surely no self-respecting OW would wear sloggis to do the deed, would she? Grin
OP am convinced there's no OW in your case by the way, hope you sleep well

VicWilcox · 07/08/2012 23:11

Yes, it would be a bit of a faux pas running Grin.

I recently went on a dirty romantic weekend with a new man and only took my giant black cotton Tesco pants [shame]. I just don't equate being sexy with buying daft nylon uncomfortable knickers! I have great bras though!

My ex went out to buy condoms for him and the OW and put them on our clubcard so they showed up on my regular online shopping list! Still, it was nice to get the points :) (I can laugh now)

OP, innocent explanations are usually the right ones.

garlicnuts · 07/08/2012 23:31

he suddenly said "why is this at my door"

This does sound weird to me. OK, people use expressions in different ways in various parts of the country ... To me, that means "Why am I being asked to explain a pair of knickers?" The answer, I'd say, is pretty obvious - because they're his (as it were)!

I kind of hope that isn't exactly what it means where you live, Puzzle. Because, if it is, it's a damn sight weirder than a stray pair of pants finding their way to yours from a multi-occupancy hotel room.
To explain my thinking:
The question is "How come you've left an unfamiliar pair of knickers on the dresser?"
Normal replies (depending on personalities) might be:
"They were in my bag, I thought they must be yours."
"OMG, did you think I was having an affair?"
"OMG, you didn't think I'd have an affair with a woman in Sloggis!"
"God knows, I'm pretty sure they aren't my mate's."
"I found them in my bag. Not sure whether to ring my mate about them or not."
Abnormal replies would include:
"Oh, those, I put them there days ago."
"WTF are you asking me for? What are you trying to say? You suspicious old bag!"

.... because the last two would be gaslighting. And that's not nice.
I hope "put this at my door" doesn't mean "WTF, etc" round your way because I want this to be a storm in a teacup, all back to normal by the time you read this.

If not: well, divulge please. You can talk about your feelings here. It is Relationships after all :)

garlicnuts · 07/08/2012 23:35

ps: How late home? Stuck-at-roadworks late, or putting-off-going-home late?

StealthPolarBear · 08/08/2012 08:22

"My ex went out to buy condoms for him and the OW and put them on our clubcard so they showed up on my regular online shopping list!"
Did you start a thread about that? Sounds really familiar, although in the version I remember it had come up as advertising (Tesco stick adverts whch can be for whatever at the top of "stuff you usually buy") and had led the woman to accuse the man of cheating unfairly. Am I misremembering or maybe yours is nothing to do with that!

FaintingGoat · 08/08/2012 08:51

OP, did your DH not at any point ask if they were yours?

doinmummy · 08/08/2012 15:18

Hope your ok puzzle
Has anything more come to light?

I'm sorry that this has worried you and I apologise for my flippant comments.

VicWilcox · 08/08/2012 20:47

Stealth no that wasn't me, they appeared on my favourites, or whatever you call it page. 'Luckily' for me I had actually found him out a few weeks earlier so it didn't come as a shock as such, rather just more fuel for the fire!!! I think whichever poster was convinced by their H that Tesco randomly generates adverts for condoms on their shopping list has rather had the wool pulled over their eyes Shock

notdrinking · 08/08/2012 21:18

Can anyone remember which MNer left her knickers in her son's packed lunch box??
Wink

VanderElsken · 08/08/2012 21:29

Goog grief, the OP has found women's underwear in her house that isn't hers and when she raises it her partner is angry and defensive (rather than bemused or amused and baffled) and gives her an explanation that doesn't make sense and that changes all the time. He then stayed out late with no clear explanation (explaining and planning with OW?) the next day and communication has broken down between them. This is almost certainly cheating and it's crazy that everyone seems to be claiming brand as the reason why not. Do return, OP, I hope this gets properly addressed. I'm afraid if it is what's most likely is that he will either finish it as a result of fearing being caught and knowing it's it worth it or be driven to be more careful. If I were you I would snoop like crazy and check out recent stories about nights out and time away as much as you can. If you talk about this further and he understands your reaction and comforts and reassures you, he is less likely to be cheating .

Windsock · 08/08/2012 21:31

I started a thread about the condoms club card thing. Was a joke. Bryan only a month later the daily mail featured a rl story about a rl person. Was hilarious. We all lolled.

Windsock · 08/08/2012 21:33

Lol at OPs "sloggi wearing women"

JustFabulous · 08/08/2012 21:55

notdrinking - I think she was called lisalisa.

Mia4 · 09/08/2012 12:47

It could be cheating (i'm presuming you have no teenage kids who could be doing the dirty without you knowledge) or -and here I' going by one of my friend's experiences- he could be dabbling in crossdressing. Even if they aren't his size. My friend found her knickers forced onto her boyfriend when she came home early one day. He's a pretty big guy and she's only a size ten...

giraffe17 · 09/08/2012 14:24

I once found a pair of flimsey black size 8 knickers in my drawer - I'm a size 16 and like big pants!!!

fanniadams · 09/08/2012 15:12

I have a similar issue with DH, in that whenever I raise something he doesn't want to discuss, he gets defensive and then passive aggressive - absolute silence, no explaination end of discussion. I find it really difficult to work out whether he just doesn't deal with conflict well or if there is a bigger issue. I'm made to feel I'm unreasonable for even raising it.

I know if I asked him about a pair of pants that suddenly appeared, his response would be along the lines of "why on earth are you asking me about them, how the hell should I know, they're not mine! What's the matter with you now.."

Is he cheating? I don't know, but I do sympathise as its so hard to work out what's going on when they refuse to talk or get confrontational. I hope you get some sensible answers soon.