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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Inlaws walking in and update

118 replies

JenJen84 · 05/08/2012 11:35

Hi all, I thought you might like an update, it's good and bad I'm afraid though!

After I sat down and had it out with OH, we made progress. He said he had spoken to his parents and said to call or text and check before coming round.

Perfect.

Then, the week it was really hot. I was sat in the kitchen (nicest cool room in the house) and decided to take off my bra (well its getting constrictive now!) and then my shorts (well you can only imagine) so I'm sat in my smock, reading just generally enjoying the peace.

The house phone goes. I answer, no reply. Then my mobile, didn't recognise the number and thought "nah no cold callers today!" and didn't answer.

Ten minutes later they're calling me through the back gate (adjacent to back door so again, they knew I would be in, the door was open)

I decided to tell them I had been sleeping. No apology...Anyway they said how OH had told them to ring first (think they missed the bit where they were meant to NOT come over unless they were told it was ok)

Again this week they did the same. Only this time I WAS asleep, after OH had come off duty the night before at 1am :( They called my mobile (I didn't wake up) and lo and behold 2mins later they let themselves in. When I came down in my nighty they were like "oh we rang". "Yes I know, I said, I was asleep that's why i didn't answer". And nothing.

It's like they ARE going to come over, whether I like it or not and the phonecall is just cursory.

:(

Back to the drawing board I think. I can't fault OH for telling them, but what part of "making sure it's ok" goes with having NOT spoken to someone?

I'm so sick and tired of having this conversation with OH, do I admit defeat now and just give up??? I don't think I can face another argument over it.

OP posts:
Olympia2012 · 05/08/2012 11:38

So they have a key? Get it back if so.... Or put some inside door bolts on so they can't just walk in

Xales · 05/08/2012 11:39

You are going to get firmer.

If I don't answer please don't come around. If you do this one more time I will take your key/change the locks as my sleep is very important to me.

When they turn up now is not a good time go away.

MrsTomHardy · 05/08/2012 11:39

Hi
I think i remember your other thread, sorry but i couldn't put up with this.....your OH seriously needs to have stronger words with them.
You can't just sit back and let them be so intrusive.

cocolepew · 05/08/2012 11:40

I was just going to ask why they have a key too, get it back. They did know what was meant by phoning first, they are being obtuse.

GemmaPomPom · 05/08/2012 11:41

This is not on. I know what it's like for ILs not to get the message, though. We have the same thing, they just don't listen.

You need to change the locks.

laudinum · 05/08/2012 11:41

Change the locks and switch off the phones.

They abu and intrusive.

coppertop · 05/08/2012 11:41

Get the locks changed.

The inconvenience of having them regularly letting themselves in far outweighs any advantage to having a second/third keyholder.

RecklessRat · 05/08/2012 11:41

Get the key back off them/change the locks and explain why.

JenJen84 · 05/08/2012 11:42

I know I probably sound dreadfully wet, but I just can't bring myself to be rude when I see them as much as I want to.
I'm such a bottler - I have tried to say to OH, "Please, please don't let me get to the stage where I have to be rude. I really don't want to," and he's agreed, it'd be awful.

I just don't have an in the middle, I suppose I need to grow-up a bit, but I'm either bottling it up OR I'm exploding. I have an awful temper that I have worked really hard as a teen and young adult, to control so now I guess I don't even connect to that part of myself any more.

OP posts:
HecateHarshPants · 05/08/2012 11:43

take key off them/change locks.

keep the door locked.

Have your husband say that the idea of phoning first is to see if it is convenient to come round. Not to announce they are coming round. Or to consider dialing your house as having fulfilled the agreement to 'call first'

Come on, they are misunderstanding on purpose. They know what 'call first' means.

Unless he told them to let you know they were coming first. Which is totally different from call to see if it's ok.

But the main thing is to take back the bloody key! Then they can't let themselves in, can they?

They take the piss as much as they are allowed to.

dequoisagitil · 05/08/2012 11:43

Yes, key back.

RecklessRat · 05/08/2012 11:45

You don't need to get angry or be rude, just firm and reasonable.

They need to know what the boundaries are.

Pickles77 · 05/08/2012 11:45

How about a chain on the door for now?'maybe a bit of a hint to them?

JenJen84 · 05/08/2012 11:46

In fairness HHP maybe the wording OH used wasn't perfect, I don't know. But in my defense, you'd have to be pretty thoughtless to have let yourself in ONCE and awoken me - to then do it again?! Am I alone in thinking that?

I know you are all right, how do I ask OH to get their key back without being too confrontational/aggressive? I have 5 days to go til due-date and not feeling a war right now!

OP posts:
coppertop · 05/08/2012 11:46

Do you have a key to their house?

If not then they can hardly complain if they don't have one for yours.

If you do have a key, I'd be seriously tempted to start repaying the unexpected visits.

puds11 · 05/08/2012 11:47

Gently explain that it is only after they have actually spoken to you and you have confirmed its ok to come over, that they may do so. If they cant do it, say you will have to take the keys off them.

Why do they have to come over so much?

JenJen84 · 05/08/2012 11:47

RR - that's what I mean, I just can't do firm and reasonable. I suppose that's MY problem to sort out. I know that if I open my mouth about it, I will end up irrational and OTT/upset/angry.
Yes, that is MY problem I guess. Maybe I need a self help group as well as mum and baby groups? :)

OP posts:
slartybartfast · 05/08/2012 11:47

could you lock the house from the inside.

probably not helpfulbut at least they wouldnt just walk in

laudinum · 05/08/2012 11:49

You don't need to be rude, although I think their visits are dreadfully rude.

You do not need to justify to them why you are changing the locks however I would write them a letter to reiterate why they must phone first but accept if the call is not answered then it is an inconvenient time for you and dh therefore to respect this and not just pop round.

Be firm or get dh to be firm but polite.

JenJen84 · 05/08/2012 11:49

OH has a key to their house, but I don't, no.

They come over for all sorts of reasons, they are different to me in every way. I am very introverted and enjoy my own company, their family is different.

They are a "walk in family" mine are not. They are poppers-over, I am not.

In both instances I'm talking about, they had been shopping and bought things for baby, which is lovely. But I still could have done with my sleep more.

OP posts:
RecklessRat · 05/08/2012 11:50

Ask them round for a cup of tea, sit them down, with OH too and explain that you find it intrusive. That when the baby comes you need time on your own as a family and, whilst they're very welcome and you're really looking forward to them being part of their GCs life, it is your time for your family.

That's the decision that you and OH have made and that's final, so please give back the keys.

laudinum · 05/08/2012 11:50

Are you worried that you will lose it with them and tell them to fuck off?

Iheartpasties · 05/08/2012 11:51

Well this would do my head in, and I would want it sorted so that they wont be doing this when the baby arrives, that will be 100 times worse! get the damn keys back!!!

TimrousBeastie · 05/08/2012 11:52

could you not lose your key, and need their one until you can get one cut?

3littlefrogs · 05/08/2012 11:53

I had this. If I locked the door from the inside they just stood and rang the bell/battered on the door until they woke me (And sleeping baby).

It didn't stop until we moved 2 hours away from them.

I do feel for you OP.

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