Inlaws walking in and update

[JenJen84]

Hi all, I thought you might like an update, it's good and bad I'm afraid though!

After I sat down and had it out with OH, we made progress. He said he had spoken to his parents and said to call or text and check before coming round.

Perfect.

Then, the week it was really hot. I was sat in the kitchen (nicest cool room in the house) and decided to take off my bra (well its getting constrictive now!) and then my shorts (well you can only imagine) so I'm sat in my smock, reading just generally enjoying the peace.

The house phone goes. I answer, no reply. Then my mobile, didn't recognise the number and thought "nah no cold callers today!" and didn't answer.

Ten minutes later they're calling me through the back gate (adjacent to back door so again, they knew I would be in, the door was open)

I decided to tell them I had been sleeping. No apology...Anyway they said how OH had told them to ring first (think they missed the bit where they were meant to NOT come over unless they were told it was ok)

Again this week they did the same. Only this time I WAS asleep, after OH had come off duty the night before at 1am :( They called my mobile (I didn't wake up) and lo and behold 2mins later they let themselves in. When I came down in my nighty they were like "oh we rang". "Yes I know, I said, I was asleep that's why i didn't answer". And nothing.

It's like they ARE going to come over, whether I like it or not and the phonecall is just cursory.

:(

Back to the drawing board I think. I can't fault OH for telling them, but what part of "making sure it's ok" goes with having NOT spoken to someone?

I'm so sick and tired of having this conversation with OH, do I admit defeat now and just give up??? I don't think I can face another argument over it.

Can you unlock your doors from the outside if you leave the key in the lock from the inside, IYSWIM?

I could do, but when they come over the dogs go beserk, so I'd have been woken up anyway. They know this, every time they come they remark on how much noise the dogs make.

LOL Laudinum, yes, that's exactly what I'm concerned about! Heh you've made me laugh now :D

you must say something. It doesnt have to be awkward.

say it, once its done, then its done.

please dont just walk in. i would prefer you asked me first. note asked not just rang.
it wont be as bad as you think.

Your DH has to put a stop to this now.

I had PND. All caused by my in laws doing this constantly so that I never got a minutes peace. Ds1 was a terrible sleeper - because he was woken constantly by selfish in laws.

23 years on I can't forgive them.

What I'd do to ask for their key is make an excuse that either:

• you need to lend it to a relative/friend who is visiting soon
• or workman who needs to get in
• or even to get another one cut for some reason and it's not convenient to use your own (it's slightly damaged, not working well).

Or I'd change the lock and not have got them an extra key cut yet. And never do.

"I am very introverted and enjoy my own company, their family is different.

They are a "walk in family" mine are not. They are poppers-over, I am not.

In both instances I'm talking about, they had been shopping and bought things for baby, which is lovely. But I still could have done with my sleep more."

I think you just need to sit them down with a cuppa, as has been suggested, and explain this. Exactly this. That you were raised differently and are not comfy with it and just don't like it, and while you appreciate that there is nothing wrong with the way they are, there is nothing wrong with the way you are either and what they are doing makes you feel crowded. If they don't get to talk to you on the phone, so they know it's okay, can they please simply not come round until it is convenient.

I'd put money on your DH having said, "Call beforehand to let us know you're coming" which is exactly what they're doing. You wanted them to check that it was okay to come round.

Don't give up. To be honest, this is the stuff that festers and eats away at family relationships, so you can't just let it go. You'll seethe underneath more and more.

how about "Look PIL, I don't want to be rude, but if I don't answer the phone that's because I'm either asleep or out, so I'm either not in to have a visitor or I'm asleep and don't want to be woken up - can you make sure you don't come round unless you are able to check we are in and awake?"

I disconnected the doorbell and put a "Do nor Disturb" sign on the door.

It didn't stop them banging on the door until they woke us up.

Sorry to labour the point, but with people like this, your DH will have to man up and tell them.

The problem with changing locks and not giving a key is that they'll just ask DH to lend his and get one cut. Money on it.

Get this sorted before the baby comes, otherwise you'll resent them forever. Believe me!

Thank you all. It's so reassuring to read that you can understand where I'm coming from.
I feel like an unsufferable whinger, mentioning it to OH again. He adores his parents and I hate having to bring things up that make him feel like I'm forcing him to do things (he doesn't care if they walk in/out no matter what he's doing) but likewise, the person who said it'll fester - it will and being a bottler then an exploder it will end up causing worse if I don't mention it.

My mother lives in the same town as them, not 5mins away.

I think, if you have 5 days until your EDD, then now is the perfect time for a full on hormonal rant actually - they are behaving in such a terribly inconsiderate manner, it would serve them right.

I second the idea of bolting the doors from the inside - extra security of course, while you're sleeping.

CHanging the locks is very expensive, but may be worth it since it sounds like your OH won't manage to get the key back off them.
You really need to get this sorted before the baby arrives or they'll be "popping in" at all hours, waking the baby when you've just got it settled, interrupting you breastfeeding (if you choose to), that kind of thing - you have to knock it on the head NOW.

Good luck!

Perfect storm you are right.
There are some background reasons I think, entwined up in why OH will not be strong with his parents. His sister was horrendous to them but they are friends now(she lives next door) his Dad has had prostate cancer (this is given as a reason why they need a key) and OH is genuinely very loving towards them anyway.
I do feel though, all those reasons aside, this is a time where I need OH to be "for me" and behind me all the way. It's probably going to be the only testing time we have, so I don't think I'm going overboard in asking for their key (and demanding they don't get given another one)

You're not a whinger OP, god knows in law relationships can be tricky to navigate, but you do need to get it sorted calmly and reasonably before the baby comes.

Festering and explosions will be no good for you or your new little family.

I would leave the keys in the locks from the inside, so theirs won't work, and then let them bang on the doors as much as they want. Let the dogs bark. Seriously, how long with your ILs last? They will get fed up and go away eventually, just don't cave.

Repeat as necessary until they get the message.

You do not in the slightest sound like you are whinging!

his Dad has had prostate cancer (this is given as a reason why they need a key)

I assume you mean in case they turn up and he needs the bathroom. That is not a reason why they need a key, that is a reason why they should call first!!

I suppose it's because they know I'm there. I don't know how long they would last actually, in all honesty they'd probably get in round the back (it's a farm, there's no real way of keeping people that out!)
Or they'd ring OH in a panic thinking I was dead or something then OH would ring me and I'd have to answer, then he'd have to tell them I was in and I'd have to answer the door anyway lol
I'm a prisoner in my own home lol it's not even funny but you have to laugh!

Yeah, I don't know much about it, but I gather when he has to go, he has to go. How the heck can you argue with that kind of argument - if you say anything to challenge that you seem like a disgusting person by default (well that's how I'd feel if I challenged that!)

But that means her DH can't let himself in - and it means they can do it when he's home, too. The issue here is that nobody is giving a toss about HER feelings. They like it this way, they want it this way, screw her. That's pretty shit. She doesn't have to live her life as they enjoy - nobody is saying they aren't allowed to visit, and visit often, just that they respect the fact that their DIL is not their child and that they can't behave as if her own boundaries are irrelevant.

I do think a cup of tea with all concerned and a conversation that starts, "Okay, I need to explain how my family works - we all love each other but like some space, nobody just pops round, and that's how I am comfortable, I'm an introvert and need to feel safe to just have time alone unless otherwise arranged..." needs to be had. No need to be assertive or tactless, just very clear on what you need. You can play the at-risk-of-PND and wanting that respected card, too, given it isn't a lie from where I'm standing. It's hard with a new baby with people who aren't great at boundaries, and worse when they see no reason not to treat your home as theirs.

If they're good people, they will accept that you are just different to them and can't cope with feeling this crowded. That's all that needs to be said - but to them, with DH there, IMO. He thinks you're being unreasonable (you so, so are not - why are your feelings an irrelevance?!) so he won't stand up to them. And it may be that he's never explained how you feel at all. They may be appalled to know they've made you unhappy with this.

I don't understand why having prostate cancer (very sorry about that, obviously) is a reason why they need a key.

They need a key because he has prostate cancer.

Doesn't make any sense

Prostate cancer is not a reason why they need to be able to gain access to your home instead of ringing before they come over.

It's ridiculous. That can be solved by calling you from their home, making sure that you are in and it's ok to come over, then there's no problem with access to the loo.

That argument is what is known as an excuse/justification, not a reason

Do you have more than one loo? If not then your answer is 'well definitely best to check with us first then, otherwise what if I were in the bath?'

And next time they call and you don't answer, immediately get in the bath so you'll be there when they arrive, thus proving your point!

OP I was exactly that. A prisoner in my own home.

I spent the first year of DS1's life walking around the streets so that he would be able to have a nap.

I was exhausted.

They would arrive first thing in the morning and MIL would lecture me about housework and why it wasn't done - because I didn't know how to organise my time.

They would insist on putting the TV on full blast. (In a tiny 2 up 2 down terrace house).

They wanted the baby awake so they could play with him ALL DAY.

She didn't agree with breast feeding.

I decamped to my mum's for 8 wks (300 miles away).

It nearly ended my marriage.

show your DH this thread if all else fails.

I realise that all everyone's different (I'm very much a popper-inner, but I have some friends who would be very stressed if they didn't have notice of a visit) but I really don't think it's you DH's problem to sort out. It's you that's bothered by it, and you that it's usual for if he and his family are used to popping in.

So he needs a key so when they come over without checking if anyone is home he can access a loo? Oh dear God, what a manipulative pile of... sorry, but that is, as has been said, an excellent reason why they don't come over without calling.

There's nothing at all wrong with how they live, IF all parties are happy with it. You're not happy with it at all and it is seriously disrespectful of your DH to ride roughshod over you to try to enforce his wishes. If he wants to see his family that much that's lovely; he can use his key to THEIR house.