Inlaws walking in and update

[JenJen84]

Hi all, I thought you might like an update, it's good and bad I'm afraid though!

After I sat down and had it out with OH, we made progress. He said he had spoken to his parents and said to call or text and check before coming round.

Perfect.

Then, the week it was really hot. I was sat in the kitchen (nicest cool room in the house) and decided to take off my bra (well its getting constrictive now!) and then my shorts (well you can only imagine) so I'm sat in my smock, reading just generally enjoying the peace.

The house phone goes. I answer, no reply. Then my mobile, didn't recognise the number and thought "nah no cold callers today!" and didn't answer.

Ten minutes later they're calling me through the back gate (adjacent to back door so again, they knew I would be in, the door was open)

I decided to tell them I had been sleeping. No apology...Anyway they said how OH had told them to ring first (think they missed the bit where they were meant to NOT come over unless they were told it was ok)

Again this week they did the same. Only this time I WAS asleep, after OH had come off duty the night before at 1am :( They called my mobile (I didn't wake up) and lo and behold 2mins later they let themselves in. When I came down in my nighty they were like "oh we rang". "Yes I know, I said, I was asleep that's why i didn't answer". And nothing.

It's like they ARE going to come over, whether I like it or not and the phonecall is just cursory.

:(

Back to the drawing board I think. I can't fault OH for telling them, but what part of "making sure it's ok" goes with having NOT spoken to someone?

I'm so sick and tired of having this conversation with OH, do I admit defeat now and just give up??? I don't think I can face another argument over it.

Hi guys, thanks for taking the time to post.

Try to cover the points raised. I feel this is a real web of issues which perhaps need picking apart slowly. First of all, I don't think the prostate cancer is the reason, but OH mentioned it as in "Well my dad sometimes needs to come in to use the loo,". Yes, we do have more than one loo, one downstairs so I feel like even trying to counteract that statement would make me seem really churlish.

I believe they DO know my feelings on it. It has been a long time coming and I think I first started mentioning it to OH a year ago and if what I'm told is to be believed - he mentioned it to them. I sometimes think it's just pig headedness on their part, they think "well, we have things to drop in we'll just go round anyway" even though we see them on average once/twice a week.

I have yes moved into his house on the farm, he has always had an open door policy it would seem. So I can imagine I'm turning the tide a little, but a year is a good amount of time to get used to me being the way I am!

We have two/three main issues, one - the fact they walk in. Two - the fact they come over without checking (this is not only rude but highly inconvenient for me because currently as I say the dogs wake me up and/or will be waking baby up). Three - it is deemed completely unheard of that even if I'm IN, AWAKE and AVAILABLE that I might not want any company. That simply doesn't happen in this family.

I know the crux of it is my problem, my upbringing and my personality but if you cannot be yourself in your own home, well where can you?

I remember when I moved in, they saw me driving OH's car at the time (knowing he was in work) and followed me home here, even though I hadn't officially "met" them yet and came into the garden where I was alone with my dogs. Although I am glad in a way they did (I am painfully shy) that should have made it blatantly clear that if they want to do something (ie meet me) they'll do it.

Dear Jen,
Of course you should be able to be yourself in your own home, you are just going to have to be firm with ILs and tell them what your rules are.
This is especially important for you and your new baby, and your husband should support you, not his mother, in this.

Take care.

yes, you sound as wet as a rain-soaked August lettuce

sorry, but there ya go

just get it out in the open, I don't understand all these "mitigating" issues

if your OH is too chickenshit to sort it...sort it yourself

if you don't expect this all to escalate madly when the baby comes

these times you are "indisposed" ie half naked "loosened bra, no knickers" whaddeva will increase

let's hope there are no updates from you in a few weeks time "FIL walked in while baby was hanging off my nipple while I had the other airing nicely"

it's certainly a pattern

There is no mitigation. If your FIL gets caught short he can wee in a bush! He has no reason to be outside your house needing the loo unless he's arranged to come round with your permission, and if that's the case you'll let him in!

I think you need to sort out deadlocks or large bolts - you could fit those yourseld really easily.

Look - it is really very simple - either you deal with this now, or you resign yourself to the fact that nothing is going to change. If they are so thick-skinned they will come over and disturb a sleeping pregant woman multiple times then they are not going to change are they? If you think this is winding you up now it is going to be a fucking nightmare with them just 'popping' round to see the baby whenever they want to. Can you imagine how hard it will be to settle the baby with the dogs barking? Or to establish breastfeeding with Mil and Fil wandering in? Get the key back or change the locks. Lose your shit - why should you care about being rude when they obviously don't? FIL can piss in the garden. Seriously - make a stand now before your situation gets into the place where it becomes detrimental to your health and relationships with your DH, your baby, and with your PILS.

I think you will have to talk to them yourself, but preferably with DH also present so that you are presenting a united front. You can keep it light-hearted in a jokey sort of way (the first time), but spell it out to them so that you know they can't of misunderstood... Eg...

"When we asked you to phone before coming round, it was so that if I didn't answer you'd know I was asleep & not wake me up! It's going to be even more important when the baby comes, as I know you wouldn't want to risk waking him/her if I'd just got him/her off to sleep. From what my friends tell me of getting babies settled I'm likely to get really grumpy & start demanding your key back if that happens....."

And also have a private 'woman to woman' chat with MIL about how you're planning on breastfeeding (if you are) but would be mortified if FIL came in on you. Lay it on a bit thick.

Also have you been acting too pleased to see them when they turn up? Do you say 'sorry I didn't hear you, I was asleep' rather than a more pissed off 'I was asleep. You woke me up.' IYSWIM And don't offer them a cup of tea, if they offer to make you one, say you're going for a lie down & disappear upstairs. Be a bit rude, otherwise they might actually think that you are always pleased to see them!

Can't have misunderstood

So what are you, a public loo? Start charging.

Please do not put anything in writing - it is soooo easy to have your tone misunderstood,plus it's there forever.

Firm conversation from both of you over a cup of tea. Think about it- it's really low risk - they are clearly not going to cut you out if their lives! If their feelings are hurt for a short time then so be it.

It might be time for some passive aggressive leaving your key in the door so they can't open it even with their key. And bolt the back gate. Then you can explain that they need to check its ok to come round, not just try to ring.

You need to get tough, take their key back, tell them straight out that you will not be tolerating anybody letting themselves into your home.

You will soon have a little baby and will need peace and privacy to sleep (when you can), shower(when you can) and get the hang of breastfeeding (if that's what your going to do), the last thing you will need is people barging in on you. They know their behaviour upsets you and they don't care, return the lack of concern for feelings, the most important people here are you and the new baby you are preparing for the world.

Give your husband hell every time they overstep your boundaries, he'll soon have them in order, you'll be amazed how effective men become when they don't want to face your wrath

Its an awful situation to be, especially as OH doesn't seem to object to their behaviour. I think you should sort it out before your baby arrives though, the idea of anyone barging in and waking me up or my baby whilst sleeping (and you need sleep when you can get it) is awful.

You need to be more straightforward, they aren't taking the hints and are ignoring them. Be blunt, "don't come over unless I say it is conveinient because I / my baby may be may be sleeping and I do not want to be woken up". If they do ignore this and disturb you, make sure they know this and go back to bed, after seeing them out.

good luck with the birth and let us know.

I couldn't bear the constant invasion of privacy in this way. Especially if I were sleeping or something. I'm amazed you've put up with it at all so far.

I would just tell them the way it's going to be from now on, prostate cancer or not.

And their saying they're worried if you don't answer the phone or door is a ludicrous rationale too.

Be calm, firm and never ever feel like you have to explain yourself and your preferences to anyone. You are allowed to have your own choices in life, you know.

Jen I'm really concerned about how this is going to be for you once the baby is here. I'm sure I said that on your previous thread too.

They are only going to be worse then. I would suggest putting a note on the door saying Mum and baby are sleeping do not disturb, but I imagine they would not think it included them.

You are really going to have to sit them down and tell them. As someone else suggested tell them what you told us about being a different personality to them.

Change your locks and keep the door locked

You really must get this sorted before the baby arrives- it WILL get worse.
You need those keys back!

Your husband should tell them that he doesn't want you and the baby to be disturbed when you get back from hospital and settling baby at home so all visits will need to be pre-arranged. Keys should be given back as you need to be comfortable breast feeding (if you're doing this) sleeping undisturbed etc. You shouldn't have to make excuses but hopefully they should understand this- if not, it's tough for them really.

Do you want to stay married to your husband? I only ask because I feel that this is such an issue that if you don't get it sorted now, before the baby is born, it will only get worse. They will be round your house MORE once the baby is here. They will tell themselves that they are 'helping' you by popping in and 'looking after' the baby whenever they like. If this carrys on you will not be married to your husband long as it will eat into your marriage, you will resent and loose respect for your husband and it will kill your marriage.

I wouldn't bank on your DH being any more use after the baby is born, either.
My MIL came over to the UK from Australia 2w before DS was born and stayed for 6w after - she was mostly brilliant, but DH actually had the gall to say to me at one point that I should make more effort to get up and look after his mum (she didn't need me to, he was being a wanker) because I was spending apparently too much time in bed feeding a tongue-tied baby who could only feed lying down, and spent 2h+ per feed.

He got extremely short shrift from me over that one.

I really really feel for you op and little frogs....

Home is sanctuary - you should feel its the one place where you can retreat and be yourself and do whatever and relax away from the mad mad world.

If you cant do that in your home - then you can risk mental health problems....

I have too felt like a prisoner in home and directly after DD1 birth due to pushy in laws totally invading my home, cleaning thowing away my pillows and I have major neck/migrane issues, riffling through my personal papers - moving my furntire around to a more " suitable" place!!!

Then after a show down, they didnt back off but MIL went crazy saying DD was changing every day so then it was knocks on door - turnig up un annouced....

Like little frogs, I feel soo sad when i think of the time around DD1 birth....it was incredibly speical and magical and miraculous, and there was horrid PILS taking every for granted.

I also completly understand that you are unable to say anything but might eventually blow your top over it. I also understand that DP doesnt seem to understand your problems with it - alot of people do find it hard to empathise.

Could you give your mum a key and get her to come over when you know DH has just got in - or coming out shower? Just to gently show him what its like - or maybe he wont care about your DM conming in?

I agree with other posters NOT to write a letter.

On the other hand if you did loose your temper I would say you are well within your rights too you have tried other routes to deal with this...

Persoanlly I would try and come it from a more light hearted angle and try again with DH, " wow pils you have made jen feel so welcome, she is so touched about how caring you both are, and the efforts you have made to make her feel welcome, she is really shy though and cant change over night - would it be possible to not go round at all for a few weeks please, as she is struggling and she deals with things best on her own with no distractions...."

I know I'm in a minority of one here, but all of you who are saying, "it's your home and it's important be feel at ease etc," are forgetting that it's her DH''s home too. In the same way that most if you are uncomfortable with people popping in unannounced, I'd be equally as uncomfortable asking close friends and family to call first to check its convenient!

To me, that sounds incredibly rude and cold - especially if it's people who have come unannounced for years!

I do feel Jen's poor DH and his parents are being demonised just for having a different way of doing things.

Agent - if your DH felt the same way as the OP, would you insist on him putting up with it because that was the way you felt? Or would you support him in his own feelings?

Because this isn't fair on the OP at all. They are not just popping in, they are disrupting her life when she is heavily pregnant, needs rest, and they will carry on doing so when she has a brand new baby and will need even more rest and sleep.

I'm sorry - there is no demonisation going on here - the ILs are being selfish, not taking account of their DIL's needs at all.

Just take the keys back or change the locks

OP I would hate it too. I hate to be visited unexpectedly, it really sets me on edge and makes me grumpy - even if it is a very good friend.

I am not a popper-inner, but I know some people who are and what I notice about them is that they think that anyone who isn't is uptight, a bit strange and just needs to relax.

I would sit them down and talk to them, it probably hasn't really occurred to them that you could hate it as much as you do.

I disagree that it isn't your DH's problem. He needs to help you get the message across to them.

But agent, DH isn't there - they aren't popping in on him!