Inlaws walking in and update

[JenJen84]

Hi all, I thought you might like an update, it's good and bad I'm afraid though!

After I sat down and had it out with OH, we made progress. He said he had spoken to his parents and said to call or text and check before coming round.

Perfect.

Then, the week it was really hot. I was sat in the kitchen (nicest cool room in the house) and decided to take off my bra (well its getting constrictive now!) and then my shorts (well you can only imagine) so I'm sat in my smock, reading just generally enjoying the peace.

The house phone goes. I answer, no reply. Then my mobile, didn't recognise the number and thought "nah no cold callers today!" and didn't answer.

Ten minutes later they're calling me through the back gate (adjacent to back door so again, they knew I would be in, the door was open)

I decided to tell them I had been sleeping. No apology...Anyway they said how OH had told them to ring first (think they missed the bit where they were meant to NOT come over unless they were told it was ok)

Again this week they did the same. Only this time I WAS asleep, after OH had come off duty the night before at 1am :( They called my mobile (I didn't wake up) and lo and behold 2mins later they let themselves in. When I came down in my nighty they were like "oh we rang". "Yes I know, I said, I was asleep that's why i didn't answer". And nothing.

It's like they ARE going to come over, whether I like it or not and the phonecall is just cursory.

:(

Back to the drawing board I think. I can't fault OH for telling them, but what part of "making sure it's ok" goes with having NOT spoken to someone?

I'm so sick and tired of having this conversation with OH, do I admit defeat now and just give up??? I don't think I can face another argument over it.

Agent, there's 'popping in' and there's letting yourself into someone else's house when you've been told not to and to call before turning up.

You need to have deadlocks fitted on the doors. They're perfect for this situation as they are a) very good home security and b) great for when DC start to be able to open doors as they tend to be fitted 6 foot up and c) cannot be opened from the outside even if they have a key! And they avoid the whole changing locks awkwardness. You can even give them a spare key for the new locks!

Yes, I know, but what I mean is if this is the norm for the OP's DH and his family, they're not going to get what a big deal it is for the OP - especially if she's welcoming when they do come in. What I was - clumsily - trying to say is that it's up to her to make it clear to the parents how upsetting she finds it, rather than relying on her DH to give the message. Because if he's anything like my DH, he is probably playing down to his parents how big an issue it is for the OP.

3littlefrogs

If he doesn't tell them it makes the OP look unreasonable.

He has to be willing to listen to his wife and support her.

Presumably this doesn't affect him? He isn't the one who is going to be tired, feeding a baby, trying to have a nap while baby sleeps etc.

My DH had absolutely no clue about what it was like managing and caring for a new baby, getting feeding established etc.

He was at work all day, I was doing all the feeds at night.

He couldn't understand why I was making a fuss - he thought his parents were helping.

My in laws certainly didn't listen to my opinion on anything.

I agree with Agent. It isn't an issue for him, so he isn't telling them it is. He's not, I don't believe, told them to call and see if it's okay. He's told them to call and say when they're coming. Totally different.

She needs to sit the lot of them down and say, great that you like to live this way. I don't want to. Please respect that different boundary as it is very important to me. Only more gently, as she has posted.

I am starting to well up now just thinking about it.

23 years on.

Even if your in laws are nice, kind people, you have to sort this now.

My in laws are not nice people. This obviously made things more difficult.

But, not being able to relax and enjoy your first baby in your own home is damaging for everyone.

It's an issue for him because it's his parents who are doing it. And as they're his parents, of course he doesn't find it as intrusive. Empathy and being a decent partner means you see that it is a problem for your DW and you tell your parents to stop doing it, because it's her home too and they're doing it when she's there alone.

3littlefrogs - Oh, sweetheart. I don't care if I'm thrown off mn but (((HUG)))

It is baffling how some people just cannot read the signs, no matter how well meaning they are.
I am all worried now about OP and want to stand guard at her gate being an mn bouncer after she has her baby.

Jen - how are things with your own mother - could she come and stay and act as bouncer for a bit? and perhaps she could act all horrified and "you mean you let yourself in when the door isn't answered????!! But they could be doing anything, how very inconsiderate of you!"

I wonder what he tells them and I wonder what they hear.
My in laws were exactly the same.
It will get worse when the baby comes.
Sit them down and tell them, I never managed and it's still festering.

OP - I feel your pain. DH is a farmer and all his life he's lived with an open door policy to everyone in the village. The IL's, ESPECIALLY MIL, are prone to just walking straight in and sitting on my sofa. It drives me INSANE.

Or it did, until MIL came in unannounced and found DH & I having sex on the sofa. I kid you not, she just plonked herself in the chair and said "oooh, don't mind me". Cue my full on RANT about lack of boundaries and lack of privacy. I'm to say I completely lost the plot, demanded keys back and went postal slightly OTT.

It's solved the problem.

If you effectively get a 10 minute warning with the phone call each time, in your shoes I'd probably be trying to ensure we were having loud sex on the kitchen table when they walked in. Or walking out of the shower holding my towel. FWIW you have my sympathies, DFiL nearly got clouted with a vase when I was home sick and he turned up unannounced. I thought we were being burgled. Your DH has to have a very clear word with them. The longer it goes on, the more they will expect it as the norm, and the harder it will be to address.

quiettiger!!!!!!

Classic!!

Am sure you weren't laughing at the time, but that's hilarious!

cross posted with QuietTiger! Sofa or kitchen table as appropriate!

I don't think it is for your DH to solve this problem, it is up to you. The next time they come into your home tell them to give you the keys back. You do not have to justify this at all, it is your home.
Or
Here are a couple of things to try

Leave your keys on the inside of the door or bolt it or put the sneb up to prevent them entering. When they knock, open the door slightly, and say loudly and firmly " This not a convenient time for you to visit.". Immediately shut the door and go upstairs to sit it out till they leave. Make sure you have locked all other entrances.

When they phone, immediately answer the call with the not convenient statement, do not get into a conversation with them. End the call and turn your phone off. If they ring the land line, do the same.

As soon as you think they are about to enter your home, strip all your clothes off, greet them with the not convenient statement.

If nothing else there will be a family discussion about your behaviour, and you can say what you have said on this thread. If you take no action, it will be much worse after the baby is born.

Good luck, and be strong.

SAT HERSELF ON THE CHAIR WHILE HER SON WAS HAVING SEX ON THE SOFA AND SAID, DON'T MIND ME?!!

Oh. my. God. There's no words of sympathy strong enough for that.

It does sound like a strategy though, OP!

Allalonenow I get the feeling the OP doesn't want this to escalate into allout war, and what you describe is guaranteed to do that. And I disagree that there's no need to explain anything; what they are doing is what they think is normal, they're not trying to upset the OP, I think they're doing what their son has asked them to do. They need to be told that it does upset her, that she doesn't want them to do it, and please can they stop, before she just bars them from the house.

The methods you're suggesting will be necessary if they keep doing this after she has tried talking to them reasonably. They're the nuclear options.

They're not getting the message, either because they're determined not to, or because they're very thick-skinned and the message they've been given by your DH was ambiguous.

So you need to be more clear. Sorry. This will get worse once the baby arrives. You don't need that stress. Utilise your pregnancy excuse hormones and get it sorted.

To be fair, 5 days before her due date, the OP is probably not really in a state to start shagging her DH on the kitchen table every time the phone rings on the off-chance it's her in-laws calling to say they are on their way over

Yes, I take your point perfectstorm, but this has been a problem for Jen for a while now, and her ILs are not taking the hints and are ignoring her softly softly approach.

The arrival of the baby any day now means that she has to take the initiative soon or put at risk those precious weeks with her new born child.

I like the idea of involving Jen's mother as a gate keeper, but that might only be a short term solution, and when her mother is no longer there, ILs will return to old habits.

I think it would only turn into a war if the ILs chose to make it so, as OP and her husband seem gentle souls.

OP have you considered writing them a letter? Sometimes easier to say it on paper, as you can make sure everything is covered. I find that in the heat of the moment it is easy to lose emotional control, and not get your point fully explained.
Ask them for privacy as a present for their new gc iyswim...

Writing a letter (or an email) is probably a good way to deal with this. Bear in mind that it's your home they are invading and it is not wrong of you to resent the intrusion. It's particularly important at the moment that your feelings are prioritized over other peoples', you are about to have your first baby, which is the most life-changing and exhausting experience ever.

The thing with writing it all down is you can go over what you've written till you've got the tone right; polite and friendly but firm.
Best of luck. But if a letter doesn't work then you are going to have to up the levels a bit, change locks, unplug phones etc. Because if the letter doesn't work then you are not dealing with people who just have a different way of conducting their lives, you are dealing with bullies who are determined to get their own way and make you obey them, and there is no moral obligation to pussyfoot round bullies.

I think that's the crux of it. If a letter/email that carefully and gently explains the situation doesn't fix this, you aren't dealing with different standards. You're dealing with controlling in laws, and different rules apply. But at this point I do think it's worth trying the direct communication route, as your DH has been pretty useless as a mediator. Unsurprisingly, as he thinks what they're doing is reasonable.

I think someone else made the very pertinent point that this is fine with your own kids, if they don't mind. But you are NOT their child. I did wonder, when you mentioned the farm aspect, whether your DH had the place before you married him, so what you're up against is a pattern set in that actual house, too? Always tougher to be incoming and shifting those. But it's irrelevant when it comes down to it. It's your home, your imminent family, and needs to feel your domain.