Inlaws walking in and update

[JenJen84]

Hi all, I thought you might like an update, it's good and bad I'm afraid though!

After I sat down and had it out with OH, we made progress. He said he had spoken to his parents and said to call or text and check before coming round.

Perfect.

Then, the week it was really hot. I was sat in the kitchen (nicest cool room in the house) and decided to take off my bra (well its getting constrictive now!) and then my shorts (well you can only imagine) so I'm sat in my smock, reading just generally enjoying the peace.

The house phone goes. I answer, no reply. Then my mobile, didn't recognise the number and thought "nah no cold callers today!" and didn't answer.

Ten minutes later they're calling me through the back gate (adjacent to back door so again, they knew I would be in, the door was open)

I decided to tell them I had been sleeping. No apology...Anyway they said how OH had told them to ring first (think they missed the bit where they were meant to NOT come over unless they were told it was ok)

Again this week they did the same. Only this time I WAS asleep, after OH had come off duty the night before at 1am :( They called my mobile (I didn't wake up) and lo and behold 2mins later they let themselves in. When I came down in my nighty they were like "oh we rang". "Yes I know, I said, I was asleep that's why i didn't answer". And nothing.

It's like they ARE going to come over, whether I like it or not and the phonecall is just cursory.

:(

Back to the drawing board I think. I can't fault OH for telling them, but what part of "making sure it's ok" goes with having NOT spoken to someone?

I'm so sick and tired of having this conversation with OH, do I admit defeat now and just give up??? I don't think I can face another argument over it.

Sorry - didn't realise Jen's DH wasn't it (there's obviously another thread that I haven't seen). In that case, I'd compromise, which answers Thumbwitch's question; "Come round whenever you want at weekends (or whenever DH is in) but if I'm in on my own, phone first because I don't like it when people just arrive"

I do find the attitiude of 'popper-inners' as rather selfish and vain, it's basically saying you should always want their company - that at any given moment, spending time with them is more interesting than anything you could have planned for yourself or it's saying "I want to see you, so I will see you and it doesn't matter if you don't want to see me at this given moment, my needs are more important" - these people tend to get shirty when you make it clear you don't want to see them and take it as you don't want to see them ever, rather than just not at this given second.

You need to stand up to them now it will be harder when you have a baby. Sit them down and be polite but firm - you want them to check you are available, not call to warn you - make this point very clearly.

It will be tricky, but you are about to have a baby, they wont cut you out.

You've got to sort this out, it will only get worse if you don't.

What about taking them some flowers and a card, thanking them for their support during your pregnancy, then saying that once the baby has arrived, you would prefer that they phoned only on the house phone, and then asking you if it is convenient before popping round, bu if there is no answer to assume that you are out or unavailable. You can reassure them that this way will ensure they get so spend lots of time with the new baby, but that it will be easier for you to get used to being a new mum.

Do you have an answerphone? If so, say that you will call them back when it is convenient if they have left a message, but would prefer that they don't keep ringing in case they disturb the baby.

don'tmind is right - they're thoughtless

irrelevant of babies or anything else, you value privacy - like many of us on here. They value company - not wrong, but incompatible.

suggestion - practice with friend or dh having 'The Conversation' so all counterarguments come up and you can rehearse responses - do it til you're totally used to it, then it won't phase you when you say it to ils.

you must do this asap. loads of support on here; your ils ABVU

I really think as your OH doesn't get it, he just hasn't been clear. Really push how tired you currently are and them disturbing you is upsetting you, to your OH.

I'm concerned as pps have put that you will really struggle with this once the baby is here, like the poor person who wandered the streets.

I remember your other thread, what a nightmare.

I do think your DH has to be responsible here, it's time to put his wife before his parents. A compromise of being welcome any time he is at home would be good.

Or an enormous bolt. Maybe you could leave it undone when DH is at home and shut it when you're alone. They might wake you up at first but maybe they would get the hint after a while that your life does quite rightly not revolve around them!

you really are going to have to get that key back before the baby comes. If you feel shit now just imagine how awful it is going to be when they are walking in when you have a newborn!

Could you tell DH that he must get the key back at the same time that he tells them you are expecting to be able to settle for the first few days after the first visit and won't want anyone popping by un-announced?

I honestly truely would arrange to get the locks changed, give DH a new key and tell him that he must not give them one at all.

Can you put a portaloo outside? I can't stop laughing at "FIL can piss in the garden"

I feel for you OP, being an introvert with ILs who also just walk in.

Anyone else wondering if Jen has gone into labour?

I am, just hope the ILs don't have a key to the delivery room.

Jen - you have my sympathy! As soon as I read 'on a farm' I knew exactly how bad the problem is!

I don't think throwing a tantrum is going to help at all (anyway I think that probably isn't your way). You really need to sit down with them and your husband and explain that you are not used to 'drop-in' family, and that you find it quite difficult. You need to set boundaries with them - and your husband needs to back you up on this (frankly, if he doesn't, you will get absolutely no where!)

There is no need for this to be aggressive in any way - but it does need to be a little bit formal - as in they are invited to come and fed tea and cake in the sitting room, and then told what WILL happen. It;s up to you how much notice you need. I would suggest that they just ring beforehand, and ask if you are OK for visitors (but they MUST accept) if you say it isn't convenient - and your husband MUST stress this. You, in your turn, would be wise to say when it would be convenient ie 'tomorrow morning at 10.00?'

I would assume that your home is either just vacated by the PIL or is owned by them and on their land? Not sure which is worse!

The reason I know so much about this is that my best friend had exactly this problem - she would come down in the morning after a very sleepless night with eldest and find her MIL at the kitchen table drinking tea, and opening the post addressed to my friend and her husband! (MIL did the farm's accounts). HER husband would not stand up to his mother, which caused so much grief. Needless to say they are now divorced.

I'm sure this can be sorted quite amicably................. provided your husband will totally back you up.

Good luck

OP you have my sympathy.

When dd was born we had a friend and former who had been widowed very suddenly. Someone local was having an affair and had taken to dropping in on her every evening with his ow.

She felt she couldn't avoid them, and to do so, started dropping in on us every evening I was bf and had a 40-50 mile commute every morning and evening. She would ask in surprise 'oh, haven't you eaten yet?' and still stay. Dd would wake and cry for her 10pm feed, and she would still stay. We'd end up going to bed completely knackered, and without eating, so that I could get up and feed dd at 6am before going out to work.

At the end, it made me almost suicidal, as I/we ended up feeling as if we were living under siege.

Please sort this out before your little one is born, as you might end up feeling so much worse about their visits afterwards.

Good luck

Inside bolts- we fitted some recently and it's brilliant.
Will save you fiddling with the keys when carrying baby in car seat/bags etc.
Also when nipping in and out the house with a toddler (say to get a drink on a sunny day when in the garden), is brilliant to quickly bolt the door.
It's also extra secure and cheaper than changing the locks. Maybe fil could help fit them then he'll know they're there....

Can I just ask (apologies if this has been asked before and I've missed it), but what happens when they pop round and you're genuinely not there? How long do they spend snooping about your house while waiting to see if you're going to emerge from sleep upstairs??

how helpful are they? when i had my ds my mil came round every day for a week and did the cooking and cleaning.

my own family is more like yours and my mum wouldnt think of doing that, she would see it as intrusive.

i did feel a bit uncomfortable but mil reassured me, and stressed how important it was form me to rest etc.

you may be thankful for their help.

however she did knock and no key.

God. What a nightmare. I'm not a 'popper-inner' either and HATE it when people call by unannounced. DH's family are like this, though not as extreme, thank goodness.

I can guarantee that this will get a whole lot worse when your baby is born. I imagine it'll come to a head then...

Good luck OP

Hi Jen

I posted on your last thread and I'm really to see things are no better yet.

This must be making you feel so stressed out and I really feel you NEED to get this sorted before baby arrives as I can predict it is only going to get worse otherwise

At some point in the next couple of weeks you're going to become a mum and you need to feel calm and collected for your baby.

At this stage I would be tempted to email ILs with a link to this and your previous thread - subtle doesn't seem to work where they are concerned does it?

If after that they STILL persist, I'd thence going on the full FUCK OFF rant - probably not helpful but it would work? If DH was supportive though

Good luck with the birth

Oh my goodness tb, please tell me you eventually told this woman where to go.