Think my DH is sleeping with someone but can't prove it - WWYD?

[Brassica]

This is long, sorry. My DH and I have been married for 6 years and have 18 month old twins. He has previously been a completely exemplary husband - so loving, thoughtful, attentive, reassuring, fun-loving, cuddly, open, kind... Yet recently I have found myself more and more sure that he is cheating because there is stuff I just can't explain any other way, and most of it revolves around the use of his work Blackberry.

1. Firstly, he is quite distant. Gone are the spontaneous hugs, hand holds, kisses, 'love you's, etc and that was the first thing I noticed. I put it down to being so rushed with the twins that opportunities to do it are lost. We have averaged sex about once a month since they came along - I have not been initiating it really because of tiredness/slight hang ups over my body but he has not seemed bothered at all - has never seemed discontent about it.
2. He disappears upstairs on his own every evening (at least once, sometimes several times) and is not checking on the twins. Gone for 5-15 minutes each time. No mention when he comes down that he's been doing anything. Each time it is when I am safely occupied with something - washing up, watching something on TV. Yesterday I quietly came upstairs to see if I could hear what he was doing but couldn't - all I could tell was he was in our room with the lights off and when I asked 'what were you doing in there?!' he just said 'nothing' and stepped into the twins' room to check on them.
3. He keeps his Blackberry on his person at all times - which he has never done before. In the past if he's needed to look at work emails etc then it has been done openly and explaining that he's promised to deal with something.
4. Keeping his Blackberry on him is done secretly - I only know because I check his bag periodically at times when it should be there and it's not, but then a bit later it quietly reappears.
5. The reason why I have started checking where it is is that the other week he came in very late after a work night out, and although he woke me up I think he thought I'd dozed off again. He stood with his back to the bed tapping away on a device - I thought he must be checking cricket scores on his phone or something, but then at the end he dropped the device into his bag and it was therefore his Blackberry. At 1.30am and while drunk/tired is anyone checking work emails?
6. I can't remember when it started but for a while now (weeks? months?) he has engineered a reason to leave the house without me on days when we are there together - volunteering to take the twins for a walk "so I can have a break" or going to the supermarket, or on Sunday going into town to see the end of the women's road race. On Sunday he took his camera with him and in the bag was his Blackberry (I had a very swift look)...
7. It was my birthday the other week - a 'special' one - and although he ticked all the boxes pretty much like taking me out for lunch, it didn't feel like a special one from his end. He didn't say happy birthday for about the first 5 minutes we were awake, he didn't remember to get me a present or card from the twins, he didn't 'make a fuss of me'. I had a party with lots of friends and family and I think the old DH would have said a few words but he didn't.

So it's just unsubstantiated hunches but I am struggling to see why he would be doing this stuff apart from to allow him to contact someone else either by phone or text/email without me knowing. The twins must serve as a great distraction because he knows when I am dealing with them I can't do much else.

I tried to broach the subject the other day but only got as far as addressing the distant attitude, which he has apparently tried to put right the last few days, so there have been more kisses and a bit more attentiveness, but he didn't even react when I mentioned about our sex life being too sporadic. I felt as though I couldn't challenge him on the Blackberry use because I don't have a shred of evidence.

So what would you do? I don't have a clue what the password is for his Blackberry so I can't take a look at it (on the rare occasion it's not on his person). If I bring up my suspicions then he's just going to deny it, isn't he? He'll find reasons to explain it and cast doubt on my gut feeling. I find it unbelievable that he, of all people, could cheat, but then I find the way he's behaving even more unbelievable at the moment.

Hey - good to hear from you - you sound very strong and sorted. Good luck. Your post struck a chord with me as I remember those heady days of having small twins, and the pressure you're under just from caring from them, let alone worrying about something like this. I hope it all turns out for the best for you.

OP, you sound wonderful and you don't deserve to have this worry blighting what should be a lovely family time for you

Loads of men cheat simply because the opportunity presents itself. I am in the minority in my friends group who haven't cheated. Usually many miles from home and for one night. Little risk of being caught and has nothing at all to do with their relationships with their wives.

and women too, maleview, just for a bit of balance

To pick up about the part him texting whilst out, sometimes stupid OHs think that if they text/bb in plain view of their spouse that they'll never guess and the heady rush is worth the risk. Wonder how he'd react if you casually lent over his shoulder whilst he was on his phone?

Thinking of you ((()))

That's depressing, maleview. I wonder how representative your friends are? There is a wedding picture of my STBExH with his groomsmen, all in their 30s with good jobs, happily married with lovely families, and all the marriages within 10 years have failed due to adultery, the affair with people they worked closely with.

Hey Brassica,

Chin up.

1. Your op says that you think he is sleeping with someone else. Well, lets see. He may be, he may about to be. He may be nothing of the sort. He may be having a shit time at work.

1. I agree that your suspicions are likely well founded and gut instinct is a great barometer. You know what goes in your own relationship.

1. From my own experiences its the little things that give it away.

• new trendy clothes
• losing weight
• going to the gym
• suddenly liking a new band (moving from a bit of Rod Steward to Kings of Leon anyone?)
• critical attitude towards you

1. If you notice indifference - by this time the relationship is dead and gone, he has checked out.

1. Sooner or later the guilt will eat him up. Lying is very very hard and emotionally draining.

It is likely that if something is happening, it WILL come out. Its a question of whether you want to take the risk of a challenge. Only you know the answer. Is there anyone close to whom you can confide AND TRUST who also knows him? It might help to ease the burden.

However, suspicion will eat you up and drain you and reduce you as a person (like another poster I remember being on my hands and knees in my underwear heart hammering, checking pockets/phones..how dare he reduce me to this?). I could cry when I think of that woman which was me.

Taxi xx

Brassica - you do sound lovely. You sound understanding and kind. I hope your DH is going to prove worthy of you.

Regardless of whether or not he is cheating, I really feel his behaviour is unacceptable. You have twin children - that's huge, talk about a burden. He should be pulling through with you, supporting you - I bet you are exhausted at the end of the day. You should be building a bond and a family. The fact that he disappears to do whatever he does upstairs (and lets be charitable and say its work) in the evening is not acceptable. The fact that you are left feeling neglected and unloved is not acceptable. I think you have to really believe that.

I would also tell him to put the fucking BB away when you are out on a family day (did he have the day off?). It's disrespectful. Start standing up for yourself.

Think about what you expect him to do:

1. Make time for you as a couple?
2. Spend time together in the evening - chatting/having a bath/watching tv together?
3. Get a babysitter for a weekend away?
4. Get a babysitter once a week so you can have a nice evening out?

These are suggestions. You decide what you'd like and tell him - maybe you have a hobby you share? You sound like you want to be there for him, but how much goes the other way.

good luck with the conversation. x

It's good to see you back and updating Brassica.

You have to find the approach that works for you and which you can live with. FWIW I think a combination of airing the stuff that's irrefutable, together with a request to see the Blackberry there and then (and to have a bit of time with it) sounds like a good approach. Good luck.

Just seen this brassica. Yes, the key is the blackberry. I grabbed dh's phone while he was in the shower (only time he ever let it out of his sight) and found about 50 texts between him and OW just in the previous 2 days. Rest had been deleted.fwiw I am sure he would never have admitted it and I don't think it would have stopped if I hadn't checked. It stopped instantly when I did though. Blackberry is key IMO. But you will have to insist on seeing it there and then.

Good luck. Limbo is a horrible place to be

Abitwobblynow - I am sorry if you feel I was preaching, I was merely trying to give a different opinion. I am aware that if someone has an affair they should proactively communicate with their OH, rather than having an affair, and I never said having an affair was right.

The point I was trying to make is that if the OP wants the relationship to work, then her energies are better put into making the relationship happier, rather than snooping around for evidence of an affair. ie, what Triffiddealer said a few posts up.

In my opinion, anyone who goes behind a partners back for what ever reason is a horrid person, and that incudes snooping around checking other people's personal messages, as well as having an affair. Don't stoop to someone elses level just because you have been hurt by them.

NW, you seem incredibly naive - I really hope you never have to go through this in the future, so many women on here have been driven to snooping by their partner's behaviour, can't you see that it's better to snoop early on, at the first inkling of something being "not quite right" , rather than be driven half insane by lies over months , or years even?
What do you do if your partner won't be honest with you, *won't communicate, if you know in your heart that something is wrong but you don't know what?
Snooping saves peoples' sanity in many, many cases. Your own mental health and well being is more important than anything else, including your relationship.

NW - if we didn't snoop, how else were we supposed to find out what is really going on? As we have said, asking them outright usually ends in lies and denials - they will deny deny deny.

My DH is bloody glad I snooped - otherwise our marriage would have been well and truly over.

I guess what it boils down to is that some people think snooping is ok, whilst I don't. To me, snooping is a sign you don't trust the other person.

If your partner won't be honest with you, won't communicate, but you think something is wrong, then it is time to talk about ending the relationship, as clearly the other person is not putting effort into alleviating your fears.

For me, it is on par with "Well I hit him/her as they were winding me up and annoying me". It may make you feel better, but it doesn't make it right.

Again, it does not matter what is going on. Even if they deny something is going on, something is not right in the relationship, and so the relationship either needs to change or ended.

Clearly if you are willing to make an effort to talk and change things and they are not, then it is time to end the relationship.

Snooping will not help the relationship in any way.

NW - yes, things are not that simple. Making the decision to end a long and what was previously happy marriage, disrupt your children's lives and lose the family home etc all because you have fears that things are not quite right is very hard. I hope you are never in this situation.

And what if your partner communicates lies and you have no way of knowing what is the truth? Cheating spouses often would make up reasons such as work stress etc and of course their spouses who never dreamt that they would cheat would believe their lies and put down their fears to paranoia.

So what if you did snoop and find out they are cheating? Nothing in that situation is different, only that you know they are cheating. The fact would still remain; the OH was not putting enough effort into the relationship (and in fact putting thier efforts elsewhere)

I guess you could confront your OH about the affair, which may change they way they behave, and if you could forgive them then the relationship may improve, but the net result is the same; the relationship either gets better with both making an effort or it ends. The fact that an affair exists or not is coincidential to me; the efforts both parties are making is far more important.

I think you are being naive in thinking that the relationship will get better after the "conversation" and he agrees to put in more effort as the marriage will still based on lies and deceit and believe me, it really does mess your mind around when/if the truth finally comes out.

Don't get me wrong, I am a true beliver in trusting your gut; if you think your partner is cheating, then they usually are. Not always, but usually.

But snooping risks greater damage to a relationship than it solves. Hypothetically, the OH could be planning a big surprise holiday / gift, and by snooping, not only would you be spoiling the surprise, but you would also telling your OH that you don't trust them, and cause potentially irreversable damage to what may be an otherwise good relationship.

That is why I say talk to your OH. If you married them you should be able to talk. You should also know them well enough to know when they are lying.

Yes, each one has their own limits, so to some they can never forgive or forget an affair, but to others (like myself), an affair is not right, but if it happens, with effort, the relationship can survive, and in fact be stronger in the long term. I have first hand experience of this.

In my opinion, the marriage would not be based on lies and deceit at all; there would have been a time prior to the affair that they would both have been happy, they just need to understand what went wrong and how things can be improved. It would take a lot of effort and would be extremely hard and I understand some feel they can never forget and so never trust the other person, but that is not the case for everyone.

NW - its so obvious that you have never been in this situation lol.

Most betrayed spouses have reported how hard it is to detect a lying cheat - I am a very assertive no nonsense person and yet I still believed my DH. Its what most normal married people do - they trust and believe their spouses.

Many cheaters have become practised liars - they can look at you in the eye and swear blind on their children's lives that they are not cheating. They lie because their comfortable lives depend on it - they do not want to lose their home comforts, family, home, respect from friends and relatives and in some cases their careers.

I disagree when you say the marriage would not be based on lies and deceit should an affair go undetected - trust, honesty and openness is so important in a healthy marriage.

Well, when he putws his blackberry up on the chest of drawers make out you are off to the toilet or something and go towards the drawers and see whether he leaps out. Or pick it up and say you wouldnt mind one, how does it work. That'll tell you alot.

Ahh, I meant if the OH admitted to the affair, not should it go undetected....