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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

I am a shrew but is DH an arse? (long)

129 replies

braketime · 31/07/2012 12:20

Not sure what to do. Yesterday we went to the Olympics to see the diving. Long wait to the awards ceremony, so suggested we leave early and go look round the park (DD lolling around complaining she was hot). Kids fought on and off all day and I did snap at them. When we get home at long last, I start getting them ready for bed. Yell at DD not to get out of the bath to show her dad her blister but to get back in and finish off first. DH then snaps, throws washing basket on ground, calls me a bitch in front of the kids and then says I ruined his day by leaving the Aquatic centre before the awards ceremony. I'm completely flummoxed but apparently he'd already told me earlier that this was what he wanted to do and I'd put him in a bad position by asking to leave (and then clearly sulked about it for the rest of the day).

Later on I tell him it was unacceptable behaviour, he then says I ruined his life by having a second child and we should separate and take one kid each as this is the only way to stop them fighting. Refuses to apologise and says his life is being ruined by the negativity around the children. Then tells me that i ruined his day by insisting we leave the awards ceremony. I told him I would have stayed if he'd said so but he didn't - I can't see that I did wrong but according to him it is all my fault and I should have remembered that he'd said before he wanted to watch it and I'd put him in an awkward position.

We do fight a lot, we snap at the kids a lot, they fight a lot. We are a disharmonious family. We could probably do with parenting lessons. But this is extreme surely?

DH always drags up old ground, criticises my parenting in front of the kids as says I yell too much. But the other weekend he threw a cup of water in DD's face as she was rude to him when he asked her what she wanted to drink (she said "whatever"). No apology to any of us, I just had to take a screaming DD upstairs to bed.

I'm sure if I were a better parent then life would be better. But do I have a right to expect better behaviour from him. Both DD and DS challenging - DS constantly in trouble at school (10), DD (7) very dramatic and high-maintenance at home (always screaming!). We got an educational psychologist to see DS as the school were up in arms - more money out the door. I am worried that DH will walk out as he finds the kids unbearable, to be honest I couldn't afford to live with the kids on my own. Should I just bite my tongue and get on with life?

OP posts:
dreamingbohemian · 31/07/2012 22:19

You are NOT a stupid bitch, you just need some help... we all do sometimes. Please call Samaritans, they will listen to anything you have to say.

Do start your own thread too, there are lots of people here to help.

baskingseals · 31/07/2012 22:21

lost it does matter. can you phone for a takeaway?

life can be overwhelming for all of us at times. can you do something nice for yourself right now?

lostconfusedwhatnext · 31/07/2012 22:21

I just wanted to talk so we would feel better but he was so angry and he pushed me and now I feel absolutely violently self hating, why did I end up in this situation, why am I such a stupid bitch, what am I doing to do.

CinnabarRed · 31/07/2012 22:24

Of course you matter. But do start a new thread because then you'll get advice specifically tailored to your situation.

FWIW, it's always OK to have feelings and it's never OK for him to push you.

From what you've written it sounds like you handled the food-in-freezer thing OK. I'm not all that clear on why you couldn't defrost something in the microwave, but that's not what your post is about. Equally, I'm a bit shocked that if he's cooked for the rest of the family that he doesn't routinely set a portion aside for you. That would be the obvious longer term solution.

When you start you new thread, it would be helpful if you describe s bit more background to your relationship, rather than one illuminating snapshot.

baskingseals · 31/07/2012 22:24

it's alright. hold my hand. please don't hate yourself. you are just doing your best. it will be alright. don't blame yourself, it doesn't help anything.

i am here. and have been where you are. most of us have lost.

icecold · 31/07/2012 22:26

Please eat something.....you might feel a little better for it, if you are really hungry

lostconfusedwhatnext · 31/07/2012 22:26

Thanks. I went out to get some food, I don't need to eat now, that is partly why he is angry (because I went out without saying where I was going - only for 40 minutes)

Thanks everyone, it really helps to talk
I shouldn't be all over this thread but it really spoke to me for lots of reasons, there were lots of interesting things up thread and I got upset and carried away

I think I am messed up and should never have got into a relationship that led to kids
I am 40 now and am messed up the same way I was when I was 22. I should have had therapy then before I went near a long term relationship
now it's all going to shit.

icecold · 31/07/2012 22:29

Don't feel guilty..you can't live with someone who pushes you around though

baskingseals · 31/07/2012 22:30

are your dc still quite small?

one of the many gems that i read on mumsnet was that nobody should get divorced if they have any children under the age of 5. don't underestimate the immense pressure young children put on any couple.

be as kind as you can to yourself. x

baskingseals · 31/07/2012 22:32

fwiw i have learnt more about myself in the last 5 years than in the other 39 years of my life.

don't play the shoulda woulda coulda game. it just makes you feel even worse.

lostconfusedwhatnext · 31/07/2012 22:34

icecold, I have to if h has decided to be someone who pushes me around. how can I make him into someone who does not push me around?
I can't leave because he is not working and I am fucked if I am working to give him money to look after my kids (they are his kids too but I am not leaving them, no way)
My salary would not support two households anyway. the kids are 1 and 3 so childcare is expensive, which is why dp is at home.

lostconfusedwhatnext · 31/07/2012 22:36

baskingseals, so right about the shoulda stuff, so right, I hardly ever go there, part of just having a little flip out right now, all the stuff that is no good is flooding through my head, need to get it under control

Original poster
braketime · 31/07/2012 22:38

Um lost maybe you could ask Mumsnet to take your posts and put them in a different thread? not sure you want to join on this thread as you sound in a different place - your DH definitely is an arse but you don't sound like a shrew to me and therefore should not join in the self flagellation here (or a least what some posters would like to inflict on me).

OP posts:
icecold · 31/07/2012 22:40

Do you want to leave him?

baskingseals · 31/07/2012 22:49

brake I am on your side, and hope you are okay. fwiw he sounds like an arse to me, but you ain't no shrew.

lostconfusedwhatnext · 31/07/2012 22:52

braketime, actually I think some of the stuff you were getting on this thread was unfair and "shrew" does you a disservice. I'm on another thread now with my stuff but I wish you all the best. Sorry to clutter up your thread.

Whenthetoadcamehome · 31/07/2012 22:59

Braketime. I am a yeller too. Or often a sharp talker which can be as hard for a dc to take i think. I have a short fuse and I try so hard not to snap at the kids but usually fail at least once a day when they are winding each other up. Poor DD is usually the one I shout at as she is the eldest and so I expect her to be the least confrontational but she winds her brother up no end. it is something I feel daily guilt about.

Two things I have tried recently which seem to be helping. The first is when I feel myself getting cross I try and imagine that everyone I know can see me and judge my actions at that moment. So I try to act accordingly, instead of shouting I take deep breaths, calm myself down, go to a different room and scream into a pillow if necessary. It doesn't always work, but in a day it can reduce the times I yell or get cross and I guess in time will help me really get those instances down to a very low level.

If that fails, and I end up yelling, and I know I have been unfair I will go and see DD and apologise, and explain that it is not her fault, that although her actions were wrong the correct response from me should have been to reason with her and that I am sorry I yelled. My parents were yellers and never ever said sorry or admitted they were wrong and in doing so i hope to f my kids up less. I do however only do this if I feel my yelling IS unreasonable.

I think most parents yell and on some occasions I do actually feel this is a valid response as long as it is brief and you forgive and reconcile as soon as your dc has said sorry or amended their behaviour. (Ie if you have tried to patiently state expected behaviour or remind a child of what is is/not allowed on several occasions and have been ignored and that behaviour is violent, dangerous or mean/disrespectful towards others.)

Well done for having the self awareness to realise this situation is untenable for you and your family, for being honest on here and with yourself, it's not easy and as you have seen you will get a lot of flack, but I hope the more constructive comments genuinely help you through this.

Ormiriathomimus · 01/08/2012 06:21

Agree that it is important to say sorry when you fo react by shouting. When I've been depressed I tend to react to the dc in a more volatile way but would always apologise when I did. DH tended to assume he was always right even he behaved badly.

Good luck braketime x

LadyInDisguise · 01/08/2012 07:25

braketime how much self confidence do you have? Because self flagellation and self blame aren't going to get you anywhere.

perhaps that's where individual counselling could help.

Also, I have been wondering what has caused what. A lot of posters have been saying that your (you and your DH) attitude & behaviours have caused your dcs reactions & behaviours.
Someone has mentioned ASD (I have to say, I had thought about it too) and i am wondering if it couldn't also be that it's your dcs behaviour that has stretched you out so much that you can't cope anymore.
Or it can be a combination of both.

What about going and see the GP and ask for a referral re your ds to a development paed and see what they say.
And also you both go to see the GP and ask for counselling, check for possible depression etc...

diddl · 01/08/2012 09:04

There seems to be a lack of communication, that´s for sure.

If he wanted to stay-why didn´t he say so?

He´s only got himself to blame for that.

Did he think that you wouldn´t listen?

Original poster
braketime · 01/08/2012 09:58

thank you everyone (well maybe not everyone). Yesterday made an effort. DH very angry about DS's behaviour at holiday camp, said he wanted to have a strategy. I said let's talk about how we communicate and DH stormed off, said I was changing the topic and he only wanted to talk about DS and DD, not us. I could have snapped back and had a big angry exchange which would have degenerated into a name calling session and how I'd ruined his life.

Instead I said ok, what is your strategy (which seems to be lots of time out and removal of all electronic devices). Not my strategy but I make soothing agreeable noises.

DH then seemed calm enough so could then say, I think we need to talk about how we communicate with each other, would we consider counselling. He says no, we've spent too much on DS and got nowhere. I then say I hate the way we yell at each other all the time and we need to improve because it is bad for the kids. We then have a reasonably civilised conversation which is not perfect but better. I say I don't want to make him angry and I don't mean to ignore him, and he should just say what he wants and I wouldn't be cross.

So some improvement. DS still trouble and our holiday could be hell, but at least I've got the impetus to try to make an effort. This thread has been hugely helpful in highlighting how abnormal our behaviour is at present and how it needs to improve.

Will report back at some stage (maybe i need an anger management support thread for all us shouters).

OP posts:
2fedup · 01/08/2012 10:04

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Themumsnot · 01/08/2012 10:12

Well done, that sounds really positive, and good on you for staying calm and persisting.

Ormiriathomimus · 01/08/2012 10:12

Well done brake. It's hard being the one to make the first move especially if you feel like you are doing it one your own. Perhaps DH will respond more as time goes by and your strategy begins to work.

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