I am a shrew but is DH an arse? (long)

[braketime]

Not sure what to do. Yesterday we went to the Olympics to see the diving. Long wait to the awards ceremony, so suggested we leave early and go look round the park (DD lolling around complaining she was hot). Kids fought on and off all day and I did snap at them. When we get home at long last, I start getting them ready for bed. Yell at DD not to get out of the bath to show her dad her blister but to get back in and finish off first. DH then snaps, throws washing basket on ground, calls me a bitch in front of the kids and then says I ruined his day by leaving the Aquatic centre before the awards ceremony. I'm completely flummoxed but apparently he'd already told me earlier that this was what he wanted to do and I'd put him in a bad position by asking to leave (and then clearly sulked about it for the rest of the day).

Later on I tell him it was unacceptable behaviour, he then says I ruined his life by having a second child and we should separate and take one kid each as this is the only way to stop them fighting. Refuses to apologise and says his life is being ruined by the negativity around the children. Then tells me that i ruined his day by insisting we leave the awards ceremony. I told him I would have stayed if he'd said so but he didn't - I can't see that I did wrong but according to him it is all my fault and I should have remembered that he'd said before he wanted to watch it and I'd put him in an awkward position.

We do fight a lot, we snap at the kids a lot, they fight a lot. We are a disharmonious family. We could probably do with parenting lessons. But this is extreme surely?

DH always drags up old ground, criticises my parenting in front of the kids as says I yell too much. But the other weekend he threw a cup of water in DD's face as she was rude to him when he asked her what she wanted to drink (she said "whatever"). No apology to any of us, I just had to take a screaming DD upstairs to bed.

I'm sure if I were a better parent then life would be better. But do I have a right to expect better behaviour from him. Both DD and DS challenging - DS constantly in trouble at school (10), DD (7) very dramatic and high-maintenance at home (always screaming!). We got an educational psychologist to see DS as the school were up in arms - more money out the door. I am worried that DH will walk out as he finds the kids unbearable, to be honest I couldn't afford to live with the kids on my own. Should I just bite my tongue and get on with life?

Living in a constantly stressful environment raises children's cortisol levels- that is their stress hormone. Having this at a constant raised level can lead to behavioural difficulties.
My parents yelled at each other all the time, and were always blowing up at the slightest provocation. Like the OP's son, it made me obsessed with order and getting my own way, and also found it difficult to concetrate. I preferred to be in my own world as home life was so scary.
Interesting how she says 'she JUST can't control shouting at her kids and how her son IS trouble. These things don't come from nowehere!

Mardy thats so true. Also behaviours, thoughts and emotions 'burn' paths into brains so if the overriding experiences are negative, then the brain becomes hard-wired into negative behaviours, thoughts and emotions. This is what I mean when I say raising children is 'building a person'.

Do you want children to become negative, fearful and depressed adults? Then feed them with silly, joyful, kindnesses and stability and they are (although its not guarenteed) more likely to become resilient, kind, happy adults.

I'm a yeller. I HATE it so much that I'm having therapy to sort it out. It is helping. But I also found this book (When your kids push buttons) was good. It helped me to see some of my trigger points and try to defuse them before I started shouting.

Please start getting down on the floor and playing games with your children. Some of the best conversations I've had with my DS have been when we've been sitting down building Lego. It doesn't have to be Lego, but please try to meet your children where they are rather than expecting them to come to you.

Jigsaws are good for all ages too. My family laugh when I get one out, but gather round the table PDQ to have a go themselves. When we used to go on holiday with them when they were kids, I always used to take one with me.

Wild times eh

Do you still actually love your DH? Perhaps the relationship has truly run it's course which is sad and scarey for you but often children's behaviour improves once a very unhappy couple separate.

If you feel your relationship is salvageable then it might be worth seeing your GP about your family situation as they can often organise free parenting classes. Good parenting classes should help you to deal with your yelling and your DHs anger issues. If you can both learn to control your tempers, work as a team and generally provide a nicer atmosphere for your children to grow up in you will see your children become much more pleasant to be around. Much of their behaviour is learned behaviour.

Ladyindisguise, your post made me cry. Callisto bug off, I have come on here for advice not an excuse for holier than thou parents to wring their hands and feel good about how perfect they are. I do know I need to control the shouting and it is not good. I don't pretend it is.

But today I pick up DS and DD from holiday camp. DD has had a great time, made loads of friends, made lots of stuff. dS is in trouble because he has poked children, called them names and hit a boy. I tell him calmly I am very disappointed and he cries and stomps all the way home. Luckily this is for three days only.

Ladywordy - I'd be interested to hear more, as you seem to have both my DCs spot on!

Will post on DH later.

MrsBabookaloo I'm not sure what 'brand' of counselling it was. The therapist had qualifications in many areas. I do remember asking about Attachment Theory. The my DH and I filled in extensive questionnaires at home that indicated to her what our various schemas were. We spent lots of time working through the ones that troubled us and how that trouble manifested itself. Often with me it was expressed anger but with DH it was repressed anger. From our children's point of view, his simmering narkiness was as difficult to deal with and they thought he was the more 'cross' of the 2 of us.

Sorry - danger of hijacking.

OP can I just ask whether your son is a very good reader with unexpectedly poor spelling? Does he find it unusually difficult to organise himself? What are his interests and do things usually have to be done on his terms? Also, how is he with sensory stuff eg loud noises/food texture/the feel of clothing etc. Please tell me to mind my own business if you are uncomfortable with these questions.

OP, I posted a reply but have deleted it as I know I will get roasted.

Speak to your DH. Ask him if he wants to try and work towards you all staying together in a calm and happy house or does he really want to split up. Then on you go once you know what you are working towards.

fussArse, DS is normally described as very intelligent, good reader, a bit clumsy but not unusually so, horribly disorganised. Will put nose in book and stay there forever if possible. When not reading, normally causing havoc. I know some of th issues today will be because the others shut him out (kids know that DS is weird and normally instantly dislike him) and for some reason he thinks annoying them will make it better. So he will poke and annoy hm which makes it worse.

Also I am really interested in the counselling, thanks for this and for being so open. Off to do bed time stuff

FussArse, thanks. Sorry to continue thread hijack, but it might be relevant to OP: was it relate, or did you find your counsellor some other way?

OP, I hope you can take sthg from the helpful comments here. I'm sure that a few simple steps could start to turn things around.

Sorry to hijack again - but a lot of stuff on this thread spoke to me because DP and I haven't always been pulling together well recently and I have a temper. I have never shouted at the kids but I'm afraid I have shouted at him sometimes. I know it's not good and I hate it but I don't know what to do.

I want to hear what you think about whether he is being unfair or not, not about that he hates my shouting which I understand now is completely out of order (although I grew up with it), but about when I can't hide that I am angry or upset, but not shouting. Tonight I was hungry and sad and tired because there was nothing for me to eat (I had ordered a delivery for the morning and he had put everything in the freezer. I had been out at work all day so it was all frozen solid. And I was starving)
It was a mistake but I think a silly mistake because why couldn't he put something aside for me in the fridge? (none of it needed to go in the freezer)
I couldn't even look in the freezer because it was in the very top shelf and I couldn't get a chair to stand on because he was standing in the door way hectoring me to say it was ok, really having a go about the fact that I wasn't smiling and saying "tra la la I don't need meals anyway". I should have done, maybe, he works hard with the kids all day and it was a tiny tiny mistake. but I was too hungry and upset to do that and was obviously upset. Not shouting. talking quietly but not happily. Anyway he was so obstructive and annoying and I was so hungry I just walked out. Just back in now. no one to be seen. I'm all alone and lonely again.

Do I have to carry the can for this too? It was temper but not shouting. It was being unable to control my feelings but not shouting or swearing or saying mean things like "how stupid". When is ok just to have feelings?

sorry to hijack but I know nothing about what is ok or not.

And don't tell me to snack on the train because I am the size of a house and just need to eat proper meals and nothing in between if I am ever to lose weight

sorry to go on please just ignore if very bad form

sorry it's me again, please is anyone there?
I tried to talk to dp to patch things up because I knew I will be crying at work all day otherwise
he is very angry with me and says he is angry because I was being angry and cross which is unfair and he pushed me physically out of the room
as soon as I bounced out onto the landing I just wanted to cut myself I am so fucked up why do I want to attack myself because I have been attacked?
don't know what to do, don't want to break up, don't want to lose the kids, don't want to live like this, don't want to spend all my time at work crying, but don't know what to do
please is anyone there?

What did your husband and kids eat lost?

It might be wise to start a seperate thread?

I'm not very good at wise advice lost but ill sit with you and wait for better people to come along.....

Do you harm yourself?

Is you husband like this always?

It's not ok, that he pushed you

yes probably
they eat before I get home. dp is sahd, I work. I get very hungry because I get home, it's kids' bathtime, we do that together, I help clear everything up and then I can cook something.
yes probably need another thread, sorry

I haven't cut myself for a long time. I won't it was just the impulse that came to me when I felt so angry and sad that I had been pushed

It's always ok to have feelings

don't worry it doesn't matter not my thread

I think I need to phone someone I wish I had someone to phone

Why doesn't he save you something, of what him and kids have had?

sorry not my thread this is someone else's thread about something a bit more important than my dinner

What about Women's Aid or the Samaritans?

I am sick of all this I am such a stupid bitch

lost I'm so sorry... try calling Samaritans: www.samaritans.org/