The Brave Babes Battle Bus - All Going On A Sober Holiday! <crosses fingers that it stays sunny>

[Mouseface]

Hello, tis me, mouse

Welcome to The Brave Babes Battle Bus, grab yourself a seat, they're really comfy and a , oh and a home-made chocolate chip before they all get eaten!

We're a Bus full of alcohol abusers/addicts, some of us say it out loud, some whisper it and some aren't ready to say it at all just yet.

That said, there are a few of us who just have the occasional drink and that's something that they can handle. There are a few of us who must NEVER have another drink because that first one will lead to many, many more which will only ever end badly.

We're open to all....there are no requirements to join us on our journey to sobriety, there's support, great laughs, tears and tantrums here and that's just me!!!

If you'd like to see how we got here, follow THIS LINK

Hee hee. Amitryptiline tramadol diclifenac and a dose

Sorry don't know what happened there. A dose of phenergan to top it all off for night time. Ticks the alcohol boxes but it does help!

Thurso my friend are you ok?
what set you off?
Pm me if you want to chat and take care of yourself
ma
x

Hello Ma

Yes, I'm ok, feeling better, just can't believe I was so stupid, and do you know I don't know what set me off.
It may have been coming back from holiday as Faire said, or maybe just in buying the wine I had it planned, I didn't think so, but my head can be a tricky little beast!
Anyway, no-one was hurt, no arguments or regretted words, so it could have been worse. I am going to try not to self flagellate about it as is my wont, going over and over and over and over what can't be changed, as you know I used to do all the time (still do, but not about drinking any more until today). Has taught me a good lesson though.
Your party sounds wonderful, you have so obviously been a fab mum, your Dc sound great. How's things with Dh these days?

Also just to say Venus, well done on recognising the signs last night, I wish I had, you are very admirable, I salute you (in a good and friendly way, just in case that sounded like a jealous snit )

Glad you are feeling better *Thurso":) sometimes we don't need an excuse or a reason, we just drink because it's there.

I'm sorry babes , I apologise for sounding like a big twat earlier, saying my alcohol free time has been a breeze. Thoughts about alcohol have been many, it's a part of my daily routine now (for 20 ish years). I think it's the lack of wrestling with the idea of having a drink, the will I or won't I? That has made it easy to do. For about five years now if I am out of the house alone in the car after three pm (which is every day) there will be a bottle shop stop and two standard drinks on the way home with roughlyy eight more between then and about 9 pm.

My GP gave me ten 5mg diazepam and I've had about four. Two before I even stopped drinking and only one in a moment of need. The only one time I was annoyed at being unable to pick up. So they were unnecessary really. OTOH I have consumed masses of chocolate (usually only ever eat leftover choc at easter) and some cans of coke. Going to start walking tomorow. I plan to stop taking aa at end of this month so I can have a few at an upcoming family do. Just hope that I don't get plastered on a couple due to decreased tolerance. Then I hope to get together with friends of DH who have bee asking for months who aredrinkers and I was reluctant to do sober, in the same weekend. Then star the aa again and stay on til christmas.

Fire you didn't 'sound like a twat' earlier. Those babes on the bus who don't drink say pretty much the same thing. Not drinking is far easier than the constant battle to regulate it. It's tiring, time consuming and takes up so much head space. Letting go of that is wonderful, liberating and a weight off your shoulders. Getting there is the tricky bit and that's what this bus is for x

Not sure about coming of the aa to drink and going back on it to stop yourself from drinking though. Is that something you can do for the rest of your life? Maybe it's a sensible short term goal?

God, I sound so smug don't I. I think I have a boing on! It's a strange feeling this permanent sober straightness. I would very much like a drink but see now how easy it is to do without. If I read this post 6 or even 2 months ago, I'd be thinking 'fuck off with your 'sober is great' crap, I bet it's BS'! I have a window now to where JWN (Hi, wedding sounded blissful!) and Soma are. A little voice in my ear is saying 'I bet you fall flat on your face' so i'll shut up now. Xx

Faire , thankyou. Yes the relief is enormous, not having to source it, pay for it, hide it, hide the evidence and pay again by feeling rubbish the next day is a load off my shoulders. I feel lighter. For the rest of my life? Who knows, for the next year or two, almost undobtedly. I don't think I'm strong enough to do it on my own. Will aim to but. So me, me, me. How are you doing Faire?

I'm sorry babes , I apologise for sounding like a big twat earlier, saying my alcohol free time has been a breeze. Thoughts about alcohol have been many, it's a part of my daily routine now (for 20 ish years). I think it's the lack of wrestling with the idea of having a drink, the will I or won't I? That has made it easy to do. For about five years now if I am out of the house alone in the car after three pm (which is every day) there will be a bottle shop stop and two standard drinks on the way home with roughlyy eight more between then and about 9 pm.

I'm doing good thanks Fire. Don't drink much these days and that's the way I like it. I have found that if I do have a 'wild' night, which would be 3 glasses of wine, I don't feel too great the next day. I think my body can really feel the poison now and doesn't like it.

So I'm concentrating on trying to fill my body with good stuff and get more exercise. (Although I have just eaten a packet of cheesy wotsits )

I am learning so much from all your posts. I was wondering today whether it actually helped me when I read about your slips off the bus, as my initial reaction is to think 'well, if she does it, then it's okay if I do it'. But then I realised that, actually, what it is doing is reminding me how fragile our grips on this sodding affliction are.

Having felt strong for 3 or 4 days, I am now feeling much more vulnerable, not helped, I'm sure, by my kids being away. I have asked my BF to take the wine away with him, but that still leaves a big box of Stella and another box of Tetleys, which he will take with him at the weekend as he is going to a big gathering of his friends at which the alcohol will be welcome. The fridge also contains a bit of Baileys and some Tia Maria. And there is also a small amount of gin left over from my birthday week.

I think I will bin the gin and try desperately to ignore the Baileys and Tia Maria (I am not likely to be tempted by them unless I have already been drinking...). The beer worries me slightly but it isn't in the fridge, so I will need to be very desperate

The one thing I am quite proud of is the state of my recycling box this week. ZERO bottles in there - the only ones are plastic lemonade / milk bottles. Not a single alcohol bottle to be seen.

I suppose I am also facing up, through your posts, to a realisation that this will be a life-long battle against the booze. I have read posts by some people who have gone teetotal who say they never look back once they give up and never are tempted again. I don't think that's going to be me, somehow... I don't think I would be where I am now if I could just walk away without looking back

It's also very interesting to read your thought processes on how to manage going forward - short / medium / long-term. I don't have much of a social life so there aren't likely to be many events which are unavoidable and which will require me to drink. And social drinking wasn't really my downfall. My problem is the daily drinking which I did on my own in the evenings. Therefore, in theory, as long as there is no booze in the house, I should be fine. I don't have a shop next door any longer (used to live next to the corner shop which was fatal, as even when the kids were in bed, I could literally pop next door and pick up wine / gin).

I have asked my BF to stop buying booze, which he has agreed to do. That should help. But I am now afraid of being tempted - I'm afraid that I'm not strong enough.

Arseing self-doubt...

NoNo you are doing so well. Make that promise to yourself that you won't drink today. Make a commitment for just one day and you will feel strong again. I will do it with you, I won't drink today.

It's a good idea to get rid of any alcohol you might be tempted to drink, even if you ask a friend to look after it for you x

NoNo you say >> I suppose I am also facing up, through your posts, to a realisation that this will be a life-long battle against the booze. I have read posts by some people who have gone teetotal who say they never look back once they give up and never are tempted again.

It is a battle and I think its always going to be a bit like that, although it does get easier.

I've been doing so much at work lately, and I think I crave someone to say 'Oh well done!' (don't know what a psychologist would say about that...) Maybe thats why I like the Bus so much, we come here of an evening and just state "No alcohol today" and everyone gives a big cheer!! Whereas in real life, if you said that people would just go 'So, what's the big deal?'

Faire - thank you. I have made that commitment, and I am very touched that you have committed alongside me. I won't drink today. And I will manage this by working until 6pm, speaking to the kids when they phone, then putting on my running clothes and going to running club. When I come back from running club, I will have a shower, get into my PJs, eat some tea and drink some fruit tea, and pack my lunch and bag for the following day.

I have to drive to Hemel Hempstead tomorrow morning (from South Wales). I need to be in the office by 9.30am so that is a 6.30am start. I have lost count of the number of times that I have done a journey like that after a night of heavy drinking. I suspect that on a number of times I have driven with alcohol still in my system... That is a shocking admission...

So my plan for avoiding alcohol tonight is in place. Tomorrow is another day, but I have a plan for that day too - involving a full day of working / commuting and an evening at Pilates and yoga, which means I won't be home until 9pm. Unlike other Wednesday evenings, I won't be stopping off at Sainsbury's on the way home from yoga to buy the little pre-mixed cans of G+T (4 for £5 or whatever they are) and drinking them all, plus half a bottle of wine... Because on Thursday morning I have a health assessment (including exercise treadmill test, bloods, ECG etc) so I can't be hungover for that.

That is as far ahead as I have planned at the moment. A day or so at a time, and being pleased not to have given in to things that I would previously have done. (And rejoicing in the virtuous recycling box!)

Sounds good Faire , thats where I'm hoping to get to. Yes alcohol is a cell poison, pity it doesn't feel that way going down!

argh and now i am in full on panic mode, as I have discovered that the sharepoint system is down at work (where everyone keeps all their documents) and won't be back up again until Friday, so that means that the audit I had scheduled for tomorrow in Hemel can't go ahead as the team won't be able to show me their collateral. I am panicking now because it means once again I am probably going to have to work from home, which means a whole day alone... the office is 150 miles away so there is no way I can drive there unless the audit is happening as they won't pay my travel (and it's a waste of time).

ARGH!!!

and then i feel rubbish because i think i should be able to spend a whole day alone in my house without panicking about it leading to drinking...

hi - i've fallen behind and you've filled pages so i'm afraid i've only skim read.

thurso - i'm so sorry! i can imagine how awful it must have felt to fall off the bus like that. i mentioned the other day on here about how in aa they call it a 'moment of madness' emphasising that it's mad of course but also that that is all it takes, just a moment of madness and you may not even know how or why it happened. glad you're not beating yourself up about it - hold on tight to the bus and whatever other support you have and stick to living in the day x

nono - how about relocating? can you go to a cafe with a wireless connection and work there for a few hours?

all ok here. feel a bit emotional today for no particular reason. yesterday was a very busy but good day. have a few things on my mind but nothing i can really 'do' much about right now so trying not to waste energy and peace on worrying and dwelling - much reminding myself of that as i repeatedly catch myself doing it!! bloody head

hope everyone is doing ok.

sAf - some of us are worriers and it doesn't matter how often we tell ourselves to stop, it won't make any difference.

i have now found out that i am in hemel tomorrow, which is a relief. i don't need to be there for 9.30 though, so no 6.30am start. but at least i will be out all day, as i had hoped

have found out today that my parents stopped paying money into my account in June towards the kids' CTFs. when the kids were born, my parents asked to contribute towards their funds, and set up a SO to my account. it would appear that, since the whole police / non-contact episode in February, they have decided that they don't want to make that contribution towards their grandchildren, and have stopped the SO without informing me. the CTF payments have still been made, as they come directly out of my current account, so there is no impact on the kids. but how grown up of my parents to do that... and how pleasant of them to inform me they were doing it

my BF asked me today if i felt angry about that, and i had to stop for a moment and think about it because i am so used to just taking their attitude towards me. but yes, i am angry about that. and i am also angry that they didn't send me a 40th birthday card, after my dad made such a fuss when he thought i hadn't sent a card to my mum for her birthday (i had - it just hadn't arrived even though i sent it with 4 days to spare).

I don't often comment these days, although I do always read, but I feel driven to talk to you theresafire. I read your comment about stopping the antabuse for a specific drinking event at the end of the month. In fact I have gone back and read it a few times because I am so amazed.

WHY would you do that?

You have been thrown a lifeline, prescribed a drug that many on here have had to beg their GPs for, and you are treating it like some kind of lifestyle choice. This month I will be in recovery, next month I will go back to being a drinker for a family party...
Please think carefully about what you are plannoing to do and read back what happened to Soma when she stopped the Antabuse and how Thurso felt last night.
You have the antabuse to help you, please make the most of this chance in your life.
x

Evening, tis me, Mouse

Fire - I'm with BProud on stopping the Antabuse for a specific occasion and feel that you'd truly regret it. With every ounce of your being, you'll feel like utter shite. I don't want that for you, not at all. It's your decision but hope that you'll reconsider xx

Thurso - OUCH! That fall was pretty mighty, much like my own when I had two large glasses of wine the other night whilst on holiday. Funny, or rather not, how all of a sudden we want to drink and actively control the night's events so that we can do so IYSWIM?

I deliberately ordered two large (think fish tanks ) glasses of white wine - yuk - because I wanted to check out for the night. I didn't think I did when I first posted about it, but now, with a lot more thinking, I really did want to get fuzzy so I could switch my head off for just one night.

• hope you're okay, you know where I am.

Has anyone heard from MsGee at all? I was wondering how she was getting on.

I've done the new thread and will put it up shortly, once this one has filled up a bit more.

We went to the CDC (child development centre) today for another appt with Nemo's Paediatric Community Consultant. She's not seen him for nearly two years so was very surprised to see how much he's changed. Don't have to go back now until March next year which is good.

Super tired today but Nemo is sleeping much more and waking a lot less

Right, best go and feed the rabble, DH has just given me that look.............

Evening babes,

Welcome to hopple

I'm struggling tonight, I made it past the station M&S where they serve a naicer class of alcoholic, and have made it home ,there is no booze in the house but I'm making silly deals with myself- if we have pizza tonight I'll go and get a bottle..etc

I'm sodding well cooking so I know we are not going to have the pizza and I'm not going for a bottle,tonight at least.And why does pizza = wine anyway?

I'm reading the brilliant " Into the darkest corner' by elizabeth Haynes where the protagonist learns to breathe through panic attacks (there are other events in the story too, btw). Soooo.. I'm breathing in...then out...

I intend to be sane and sober by 9 tonight, by 9 the wine witch has always fucked off for the night, probably to bother some other poor soul.

Deep breath!

good evening babes

mouse, glad to hear that things are going well with nemo

Turned a small corner today (although surely if you turn enough corners, you end up back at the same place?!) feel calmer and more in control.

Since I only had one glass of wine last night, there is one left over. I don't want it hanging over me, lurking at the back of my mind so I'll have that tonight. But I'm really pleased because its only a tiny bottle - 185ml or something measly - and normally I would have picked up some more to go with it. But no, last night I only had the one and actually didn't want any more, so hopefully same again tonight.

And after that, back on track... until the next bad day at work, or a stupid comment from MIL or an argument with my mother. I must find an alternative way of coping with the stress. I WISH I could do meditation, but am never able to 'switch off'. Any relaxing hobbies only work until bedtime, then its lying awake until the early hours. Am becoming a bit too fond of the codeine.