Afternoon, tis me, mouse
NoNo - I feel like a terrible mother for allowing my children to be separated from me
I can relate to that and your feelings just now. I can feel the pain in each and every word,I understand that you feel so guitly, almost like you're failing them each time they go to their father's home, domain.
I've not read your thread but I will. I expect it's full of shitty comments about you, and how the children have a right to their father and vice versa. The usual flaming/ignorant/eyes wide shut stuff on MN.
I used to vomit when DD went with her father. I was absolutely terrified he'd take her away or not look after her properly, I dreaded him knocking on the door to see her. We didn't go through the court process, I agreed to let him have open access when she was a baby, and onwards to a toddler etc...... I hated every single moment. I was the ONLY ONE who could protect her, and keep her safe
Nothing and no-one could stop me feeling like that. Nothing could switch my head off, stop my heart aching.
She's 13 now and hates him one moment but is happy to talk to him the next. We split up before I knew I was pregnant. He wasn't interested but changed his mind when she was born. I'd left the door open for him, even though he'd been shagging everything with a pulse and a vague resemblance to a female.
It wasn't her fault he behaved the way he did. He's told her plenty of lies about me along the way, and just recently there's been a bit of a rocky road for her to walk, but I have stood beside her, not holding her back..... I've just been around the corner, I've just let her know that I'm here.
It's so hard to watch them leave, to see them happy with him. I used to listen to how much of a great time she'd had, how she'd been here, there and everywhere. How he'd spent so much money on her......
I hated his new wife because DD liked her. His new life was oh so wonderful. Funny how he knocked on my door whist his new wife sat at home waiting for him...... not so perfect but I shut the door in his face and have never told DD about him trying it on with me, and nor would I. Ever.
It's an entangled ball of twisted, mixed, raw emotions that just grow and swell uncontrollably for a while, you can't pick at it, the ball, or try to make it smaller, it sits deep within you until it feels like making your life that little bit harder.
I could go on about it but won't because my post is about you NoNo. Massive hugs to you. I'm glad your BF has the decency to give you time and space. xx
Saf - I like that idea too..... 
. I am very OCD when it comes to lists so that task is ideal for me. I sometimes forget just how much I do have to be grateful for. I think that sometimes I get stuck in a loop, or a rut, just worrying about the same shit, thinking the same thoughts, using the same excuses, day in, day out.
After reading your posts Saf, I've tidied the kitchen and lounge, done a load of washing, been and bought Nemo an occasional use pushchair for mu car, DD has arrived back home after her night out, DH is in the garden and I've just pottered but just looked at how much I've done instead of sitting here, on MN, or Facebook etc.......
I've got lists everywhere of things I want to do today. Tomorrow or this week. I want to complete them myself (within my pain limits) and your posts are really helping me. I'm getting a sense of achievement which is replacing the frustration of having to wait for someone to help me.
Thank you Saf xx