Success, standards and still holding out for Johnny Depp...dating thread 18

[ChaoticismyLife]

Forget the olympics...we're aiming for dating gold.

Only the best is good enough.

As you were....:)

Anyway - have started a thread in aibu...... regarding mrl and his not wanting to stay over, he did it again last night. Im not sure if im being narked about nothing, or if it is big deal.

MrsT... I agree, the first date is a kind of round one interview thing. If you had met in the old-fashioned way, that part would have been out of the way, so I wouldn't worry but I am old and out of the game
Watch going to look at your other thread...

Just read your thread watch.
Me being me would call his bluff by saying you don't have the car for a couple of days as its going in for a service at a non dealer garage or a relative is borrowing it.
Then I would let him take the lead regarding decisions to see each other now that the mode of transport has been taken away.
You are having to put yourself out each time he decides not to stay.
Take control (meant in the nicest way).

Watch, taking into account stuff you have said earlier...is it possible he's got issues with intimacy?
Also, as others have said, him getting his own driving licence would be a really good idea.

Mrs Todd. I wouldn't worry at all. He's interested.

Watch Ive posted on your other thread :)

thanks ;)
i dont think he has intimacy issues, what i actually think is hes very set in his ways pandered to by his mother and likes things the way he is used to.

i cooked for him last night, just sausge and mash. He did bring up that he wasnt sure on the food, because it wasnt his usual brands/ types.

I think hes very analpaticular.

also he hasnt even offered me any petol money at any point and its starting to fuck me off because its £5 a round trip

Essentially what is happening is we are getting to know each other and im not sure if these things are worth dealing with or not.

I think the weekend will be very telling.

after i posted on the other thread i thought of the petrol money thing, fuel is so expensive right now its a lot for you to be spending when you don't need to, iyswim? especially if he's not either offering to pay, or buying food or wine or whatever in return...

He needs to pay for petrol when it's so expensive IMO.
I've met people who conviently forget the price of things. It's v annoying.

but see - hes just text me. Hes found a dog grooming place that has a walk in shower. my dog has very very bad hips, i cant shower him anymore, and he cant be lifted ... and all the grooming parlours lift them in. hes spent two days finding one that can do it for me. So, thats nice and thoughtful

And hes thanked me for last night, and said sorry about having to go home.

and then said how excited he is about the weekend.

So - thats all nice. he is nice, i dont know if hes just not realisng this stuff because hes not very experienced in relationships, and because ive not said in a blunt way.

and hes not buying food, which did grate a little, but then has brought be presents ( maybe spending about £50) Ive paid for the camping, and hes paid for the albert hall - which works out to be about the same.

Right, ive decided to be blunt and tell him... so, Ive text that i am tired today because of the late night driving and that it isnt good and maybe next time he could sleep in DD's room ( ill provide clean bed linen) or on the sofa.

ive text about other stuff too, so its not like its a moan, but its telling him its not happening again, but in a nice way.
I dont mind the odd trip doing it, but im not doing it all the time, its not fair on me.

And i supose his reaction and what happens will be telling and we go from there.

Food and fuel are 2 essential commodities that are expensive and draining.
I would say to him that it would be sensible to start a small kitty for fuel and petrol. Are you driving both of you to the camping site?
It's not being mean. Even a tender a week may be acceptable. It's the recognition.
The socialising needs to be discussed regarding who pays. We are living in times of austerity.

Im actually picking him up from work, he helping me load the car. then we are off to his ( not far from the campsite) to pick up his stuff.. and then going. the campsite isnt far at all, closer than my work and his house actually.

I wouldnt even want a tenner a week petrol. Maybe a fiver if we are going somewhere, thats all.

I can honestly say I do really like him, we constantly chat and giggle when we are together. We get on well, he doesn't pry into what happened with the ex, yet listens if I want to talk, though I haven't gone into details, just that I moved back to London, we are getting a divorce and have no contact.
Add to that he is gorgeous, laid back (needs to be with me), considerate, gentle. Stunning blue eyes. And yep I do Love our nights cuddled up.

watch it doesn't sound exactly like you are paying for everything but it doesn't sound 50/50 either. Maybe you need to drop into conversation about the petrol. And its got me thinking about learning to drive now too. I have my provisional no excuse not to.

hmmm - so according to my thread the majority think hes a loser and i shouldnt be bothering.

Just the fact that hes 29 and at home and isnt a driver seem to have him marked as a wastrel and possilbly a bed wetter [ confused]

i dont feel like thats the case, i know i immediately jumped to the same conclusion when i had first met him, but it really doesnt seem that way now i know him.

unless of course im being really thick and it does mean these things?

Anyway - ive told him im not driving back late again. So, im not going to.
And ill just see what he says/ does about it.

Personally, Watch, I think you are justified in how you feel and I think you are right in letting MrLovely know how you feel. There is no harm in setting boundaries, it's much much better than going along with things for fear of upsetting the apple cart. Sorting it now before resentment sets in, cos it would set in eventually, is the way to go. Well done you!

I did shudder a bit when you mentioned that he commented on the food you cooked, it not being his 'usual brand' and all that, cos that is what The Ex used to do. But I was stupid and made the mistake of pandering to him If I was to be in that situation again, I would tell him he is welcome to bring and cook his own food if he likes, while smiling at him sweetly of course My Ex was pandered to by his mother too, still is, at the age of 46 he is still firmly attached to the apron strings. From experience I do know this makes for a challenging relationship, but you have got your head screwed on right, I am sure you will deal with it as you see fit

i did tell him he was daft, he said he hadnt known what to expect. But did eat it all.
Ridiclous.
I wont be pandering to it, im not like that, i dont pander to my child, so im not pandering to a grown man.

Im just guessing his mother might pander to him, i dont actually know else hes just very paticular about stuff. I am not paticular about anything... :) so essentially he needs to relax about it abit.

All tha being said i like him. I like being with him, its fun and nice. We just have the bed issue ( and hes now said he will stay over thur, which means we will have thur/fri/ sat night together, which is rather alot ) and his liking his food a certain way.
I cant work out if these are big enough issues to warrant a dumping ( which would make me sad) or, if i set up a boundary, see what happens and go from there)

Mmmm. I can see your concerns. Considering he is nice and thoughtful, I wouldn't dump him, not unless you found it impossible to set boundaries, or if he raises objection to the compromise you are putting to him. If he insists he will not change, then yes, dump him. Because there will be bigger issues to follow. Trust me.

yes, what i dont want to happen, is i end up making excuses for someones crap behavioiur, that is a slippery slope to nowhere.

I think he would be sad if he knew i was really pissed off. Im not REALLY pissed off, more a bit narked, but i have let him know im not doing that again, and can only see what he does i supose.

Like you say, if hes unwilling to compromise, then hes out.And i dont think that will be the case....

I definitely dont think you have to dump him. Not at this stage - and possibly not at all.

It's perfectly ok to have certain things you expect - but you have to give him a chance to meet those expectations if that makes sense. You've put the ball in his court, now you have to see what he does going forward. If he is genuinely nice & thoughtful - and it seems he is - then things should all work out ok :)

:)

yes, that makes sense.

The sleep thing has been mentioned a lot, but hes only bailed out twice, on the weeekend he said he was ill ( he did say he was ill when we met hours earlier) and yesterday he still wasnt feeling great, so it could have been from that.
The other times he has just got on with it, and it hasnt been such a big deal.
perhaps it was more my disappointment talking.

Ive told him im not doing the late night drives again, so like you say, need to give him a chance to meet that expectation.

god, relationships. difficult.
!!!

Yes, and THAT is why I don't want one!

I'm at the Olympics...and even the security guard wouldn't frisk me :(

Right I need a username for ok Cupid....where do I start so it isn't cheesey?

@ Haunted. Maybe he just couldn't trust himself to rub his hands up and down your body without embarrassing himself!

Lol! He asked if he could pat me down...I held my arms out in 'the pose' and he said 'its alright luv, you're ok' ...

I'm sweating like a pig now in direct sun so no-one will be interested now...and I've gotta stink out xp's car all the way home (free tickets won by kids, have a block of 3 and a block of 2 so not actually sitting together but made sense to travel together)