Breaking up with someone who's bipolar

[zellen]

I'm a man who's met the most wonderful woman. The problem is that she was with someone beforehand who she says is bipolar. She says they've split up, and I believe her, but from things like facebook (only what's on the wall, etc), it's not entirely clear he understands this. I've not met this person and he lives a distance away. In an ideal world, he would be completely out of the picture

My new partner has asked me to be a little patient. However, I feel decidedly uncomfortable that he is still on the scene. I don't want to appear insensitive to the difficult situation, but also, it does make me feel a little uncomfortable.

How would you handle this situation? I trust my new partner in that she is being honest with me

handle what situation? the bipolar is a red herring isn't it?

The situation I've described. My new partner has an ex who doesn't seem to think entirely that he is an ex. But because my new partner who I trust say he's bipolar, she doesn't want to tell him to f off

what, in case he kills himself or something?

I don't think his mental state is particularly relevant. Plenty of ex boyfriends have trouble accepting they've been dumped. The main problem would be if your girlfriend was still contacting him because she feels sorry for him, worried about him or responsible for him in some way. (Asking you to be 'patient'?) If he's struggling with the break-up, it would be kind rather than insensitive to cut him loose.

In part, yes, and even, it has been said by a close friend of my parter, in case he kills her (although my partner doesn't think that's a risk)

Bipolar disorder doesn't make you unable to understand that a relationship is over.

Is she afraid of upsetting him, so has been so vague that she hasn't actually said anything at all? Because that's the only explanation which makes sense (and it's also kind of stupid, since she's going to have to upset him at some point if she wants to move on.)

Was he abusive in the relationship?

oh I didn't realise people with bipolar = more likely to kill other people than the general population

you learn something every day

As Alameda says, the bipolar is a red herring, either she's had the breaking up convo or she hasn't- you can't not break up with someone in case their condition worsens as that's true for half the population who are depresed/biopolar/have conditions activated by stress/might feel awful when you leave them.

I would say to her that you will be very keen to start a relationship when this other person is really clear they are split up. However, it may be that they continue as friends and that would account for the Facebook messages- are you happy with that or do you want her to cut all contact?

Cogito, that seems to the situation. He is contacting her, my partner has shown me emails, and is being up front, but it makes me uncomfortable

If there is a serious risk of him becoming violent then she definitely needs to break it off properly and probably also alert the police. Don't think there's any room for ambiguity.

From what I've heard, he sounds as if he was emotionally abusive.

Almeada, I'm not sure why you're being sarcastic.

What?!!!!

Does this person have a history of abuse/violence and so on? If not, I don't think they are at any more risk than with anyone else. The biggest risk factor is aggression/previous history of aggression/violence/abuse/control, all the classic things. If he is a nice person who happens to have bipolar (is it well controlled or was he having severe episodes), I don't think this has got much to do with anything, and her messing with unclear messages will probably be much more unhelpful to his mental state in the long run.

People with bi-polar do not, as a rule, kill anyone. She needs to tell you what is really going on and you need to have the strength to tell her to go away and return when she is single.

My new partner / girlfriend says she has told him it's over. However, he is saying "she hasn't given him enough of a chance to change"

If he was abusive, then all the more reason for her to cut off contact with him, is she hoping by being nice (and confusing) he won't come and get her?

Cogito is right, if he seems a danger/threat because of previous history, get help from Women's Aid on the best way to proceed and if I were her, I'd change her telephone no, let the police know and so on.

Well because it's slightly more relevant that he was EA than him being bipolar if you're going to throw around accusations of murderous tendencies

Kind of offensive to people with bipolar otherwise, no?

If she's just come out of an abusive relationship then she will need a lot of headspace anyway. I understand being uncomfortable with this situation (anybody would be) but just make sure you're not rushing her into something she isn't ready for, and that you're not trying to rescue her in any way. (Not saying you are but it is fairly common, well meaning but not a great basis for a relationship)

I don't think there is a risk of violence to my new girlfriend. I'm just uncomfortable with the fact that it doesn't seem to be entirely clear where everybody lies. I think Eurostat, you might have the right answer

xposted. That was in response to Y so sarcastic.

has he been diagnosed with bipolar or is it just what your gf says? Could it be an explaination she has created to explain his jekyl and hyde nice and nasty routines as she doesnt want to admit that he is abusive, or that she was in an abusive relationship?

I don't see where I have accused him of having murderous tendencies

You said "...and even, in case he kills her"

Even though you have stated several times that you don't think this is likely, so why mention it?

Crikey, I'll have to ignore the nasty comments on here. I'm not sure where that come from, Alameda. I was asking a serious question.

My understanding is that he has been formally diagnosed, but of course, I'm relying on what my girlfriend is saying

I was asked whether he was violent, I quoted a close friend of my gf who knows him (I've never met him), but I added the caveat that my gf didn't think it was likely