Breaking up with someone who's bipolar

[zellen]

I'm a man who's met the most wonderful woman. The problem is that she was with someone beforehand who she says is bipolar. She says they've split up, and I believe her, but from things like facebook (only what's on the wall, etc), it's not entirely clear he understands this. I've not met this person and he lives a distance away. In an ideal world, he would be completely out of the picture

My new partner has asked me to be a little patient. However, I feel decidedly uncomfortable that he is still on the scene. I don't want to appear insensitive to the difficult situation, but also, it does make me feel a little uncomfortable.

How would you handle this situation? I trust my new partner in that she is being honest with me

it's pretty nasty to even start a thread asking how to split up with someone who has bipolar, as if we are all unexploded bombs or something

I echo what others have said re bipolar - it doesn't make someone unable to understand a relationship has ended. It doesn't make someone dangerous per se either. People with bipolar are a risk to themselves more than anyone else. Can anyone here remember reading about someone bipolar killing someone in the newspapers? I can't.

It's refreshing to see the enlightened views on here, but OP I'm not impressed with yours. You seem to view this ex as dangerous simply because they've been diagnosed with a mental illness. They are no more likely to be dangerous than if they had diabetes.

Alameda, I'm sorry if it upset you. I was trying to ask a serious question. I don't have a great deal of experience with bipolar, and I wasn't implying bipolar people are murderous.

Cross posted with Alameda, agree totally that the title of the thread is offensive.

Tired, I've stated quite clearly I don't think he is a threat to my girlfriend. I think some of you might be missing the point. I understand he is a potential threat to himself as he has threatened to kill himself (according to my GF).

zellen if you don't have a lot of experience then educate yourself rather than make such insulting assumptions. You are living in Victorian times.

I could ask to change the title of the thread, but it is what the issue is partly about. My new girlfriend has asked me to be very patient in terms of severing contact completely because of his bipolar disorder

Why the title of the thread?

the bipolar is a total red herring here - he, perhaps, is quite likely to kill himself but obviously she can't stay with him for that reason

I think people are being unfair on the OP now. The boyfriend is still in contact with the OP's new girlfriend for whatever reason and is struggling to accept it's over. There's a history of emotional abuse/bullying, friends have said they think he may be dangerous but the girlfriend says not. There are hundreds of threads on verbally/mentally abusive men on this board where - almost to a woman - the partner says they stuck it out because he wasn't horrible all the time and they kept hoping he'd change. Some of these men even present themselves as 'damaged' (anger management problems, illnesses, bad upbringing) as an excuse for their bad behaviour.

OP I echo the advice to ask this woman to make sure she is properly single before getting involved with her. Emotional abusers (if that's what he is) are a persistent breed that are very difficult to shake.

I haven't made any insulting assumptions. I'm sorry, but I haven't suggested anywhere, that by being bipolar he is a risk to my girlfriend. I don't know how many times I can say that

The only way to break up with someone who is emotionally abusive (and this seems to the real problem here) is to state unambiguously that it is over, and then to cut ALL contact. Being "nice" does not buy you their goodwill: on the contrary it feeds their manipulative tendencies.

Your girlfriend needs to understand this, and cut him off: change e-mails, change SIM cards, and contact the police if she feels under threat in any way.

Agree with others here that your thread title and implications that bipolar = potentially lethal loose cannon is offensive, btw.

tired

"agree totally that the title of the thread is offensive."

"Why the title of the thread?"

Because you just said it was offensive!!!!

I'm sorry if I've offended anyone. I think Cogito has good advice here. Thank you

Alameda I'm not sure why you are so thick, or whether you are merely pretending to be this ignorant for your own amusement.

Wow what an unnecessarily nasty post. Personal attacks are not allowed you know.

If the op doesn't understand what the mental illness involves then perhaps see is as a chance to explain to him, not to deliberately that offence.

I meant why did you give it that title? Implicit is that there are issues with splitting up with someone who is bipolar, and you expect anyone who reads the title of the thread will 'get' this.

When in fact people who live with a mental illness are individuals like anyone else, have different personalities and are not defined by their illness.

why didn't you quote the whole post, which included some pertinent information about bipolar disorder and the ending of relationships?

that was to poopooinmytoes

everybody has told OP that the bipolar has nothing to do with his new partner's emotional availability (or current lack thereof) but he insisted on returning to the original, ignorant theme

I'm sorry that the thread title was poorly chosen. I thought it was a summary that would highlight to people browsing the board that they might see "bipolar", have some experience and would be helpful. It's a bit like putting keywords in an abstract. The issues swirling around my head were about breaking up with someone, and issues surrounding bipolar disorder.

Thanks PooPoo for spotting what I spotted.

I cross posted with you when I asked the question, zellen. I was asking you why you thought it was a good title, not responding to your post saying you might change it!

tiredofwaitingforitalltochange zellen if you don't have a lot of experience then educate yourself rather than make such insulting assumptions. You are living in Victorian times.

What the hell do you think he is trying to do here with this thread.

Op Apparently, although you need to educate yourself on bipolar, you aren't allowed to start a thread asking any questions about it until after you have educated yourself So you need to go away and learn about it and then come back and ask about it . . . except then you won't need to because you will have already have learnt about it. Probably on a forum where posters aren't desperately looking for things to take offense at.

but it really won't be the bipolar that is the problem - that is everyone's point, the difficulties your partner's ex is having are not related to the bipolar

you can be emotionally abusive with or without a mental disorder

To be fair, Alameda, it's not been me who has been insisting on returning to the issue of bipolar here. It's obviously something very close to you.

I just think we all need to calm down here and try to be pleasant to each other.

Hopefully, she will respect you for your integrity if you stay away until she is properly single. If she does not, she is not really worth having as a partner.

Eurostar, I think that's very good advice, thank you.